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I am sad to say that we have in our hotel tonight one of those couples of pathetic old people who have nothing in their lives, thus necessitating their purchase of an animal that they dress up in little outfits and dote on as though it was a small, deformed, and unusually hairy child.
When the old man checked in, he gave every impression of being normal and we didn't notice anything amiss until the boss, outside watering flowers, noticed him walking his animal (NOT a dog -- explanation to follow). She called his room and informed him that while we allow pets, we charge $10 per night for them. If you sneak one in and we catch you, then we drop a fine of $50 on you. His choice: $10 or $50. Wisely, he chose to pay $10.
Later, he came down to pay for the night. He was already in a bad mood for the pet charge though and mentioned that he would not be staying with us tomorrow night. Instead, he would be staying next door at a hotel that has a pool and is pet-friendly. It has amenities, he said, obviously expecting it to sting.
"I know. We own them," I said, without looking up.
Not long after that, he came down with his remote control and complained that it wasn't working. This was nothing unusual. It's a pain in the ass, but it is a daily occurrence. I reprogrammed it and he went away.
He returned. His key wasn't working. Typically, when a key isn't working it's because it's been demagnetized. I reprogrammed it. He went away.
He returned. His key still wasn't working. This time, the boss had come out of the office and they talked. On the phone before, when she called to ask him about his animal (NOT a dog), he had said, "It's not a dog, it's a Yorkie. What's the big deal?" Now he went into a lecture about how Yorkies are very special. They never shed, excuse me -- lose their hair. Ever. They don't even have fur in fact, but rather hair. They don't have dander. At all. The Yorkie (NOT a dog) was groomed and bathed once a week, and my boss should be so lucky as to receive that kind of spa treatment. This, after we told him that we charge extra for pets because we try to clean the rooms more thoroughly if there have been pets in them due to other people's allergies.
After this, we ascertained that his key wasn't working because his wife had the deadbolt thrown in the room. If he wanted in, he was going to have to make her open the door.
And after this, we got a lecture about how he was a world traveler and had never, ever had this kind of problem with his key or his remote control at any hotel he had ever stayed at in London, Paris, Amsterdam, or Rome. This did not impress my boss, as she speaks five languages and owns property on two continents, and has herself this year spent time in Mumbai, New Delhi, Paris, London, and Cairo, among others.
Yes, it's true. We are the only hotel on the face of the earth whose remotes misbehave and we are the only hotel on earth where wives can lock their husbands out of the rooms with deadbolts. We're terribly low class, obviously and we should voluntarily close the place down if we have any sense of human decency about us. The irony here is that the old man's problem with his key was caused by his wife and she alone. The key worked fine. The further irony is that his dog (YES, a dog), is not a child and is not special. It's a pet, and we charge for pets, as does the hotel he plans to stay at tomorrow. And we know their policies of course, because we own them.
Bonus irony: In referring to the hotel next door, the old man called it by the wrong name three times, and twice said that he had come to our hotel by mistake because it was new and he had confused it for the hotel next door. What's wrong with this picture is that this hotel is 14 years old and is older than the hotel next door. Perhaps it was just the jetlag talking though.
When the old man checked in, he gave every impression of being normal and we didn't notice anything amiss until the boss, outside watering flowers, noticed him walking his animal (NOT a dog -- explanation to follow). She called his room and informed him that while we allow pets, we charge $10 per night for them. If you sneak one in and we catch you, then we drop a fine of $50 on you. His choice: $10 or $50. Wisely, he chose to pay $10.
Later, he came down to pay for the night. He was already in a bad mood for the pet charge though and mentioned that he would not be staying with us tomorrow night. Instead, he would be staying next door at a hotel that has a pool and is pet-friendly. It has amenities, he said, obviously expecting it to sting.
"I know. We own them," I said, without looking up.
Not long after that, he came down with his remote control and complained that it wasn't working. This was nothing unusual. It's a pain in the ass, but it is a daily occurrence. I reprogrammed it and he went away.
He returned. His key wasn't working. Typically, when a key isn't working it's because it's been demagnetized. I reprogrammed it. He went away.
He returned. His key still wasn't working. This time, the boss had come out of the office and they talked. On the phone before, when she called to ask him about his animal (NOT a dog), he had said, "It's not a dog, it's a Yorkie. What's the big deal?" Now he went into a lecture about how Yorkies are very special. They never shed, excuse me -- lose their hair. Ever. They don't even have fur in fact, but rather hair. They don't have dander. At all. The Yorkie (NOT a dog) was groomed and bathed once a week, and my boss should be so lucky as to receive that kind of spa treatment. This, after we told him that we charge extra for pets because we try to clean the rooms more thoroughly if there have been pets in them due to other people's allergies.
After this, we ascertained that his key wasn't working because his wife had the deadbolt thrown in the room. If he wanted in, he was going to have to make her open the door.
And after this, we got a lecture about how he was a world traveler and had never, ever had this kind of problem with his key or his remote control at any hotel he had ever stayed at in London, Paris, Amsterdam, or Rome. This did not impress my boss, as she speaks five languages and owns property on two continents, and has herself this year spent time in Mumbai, New Delhi, Paris, London, and Cairo, among others.
Yes, it's true. We are the only hotel on the face of the earth whose remotes misbehave and we are the only hotel on earth where wives can lock their husbands out of the rooms with deadbolts. We're terribly low class, obviously and we should voluntarily close the place down if we have any sense of human decency about us. The irony here is that the old man's problem with his key was caused by his wife and she alone. The key worked fine. The further irony is that his dog (YES, a dog), is not a child and is not special. It's a pet, and we charge for pets, as does the hotel he plans to stay at tomorrow. And we know their policies of course, because we own them.
Bonus irony: In referring to the hotel next door, the old man called it by the wrong name three times, and twice said that he had come to our hotel by mistake because it was new and he had confused it for the hotel next door. What's wrong with this picture is that this hotel is 14 years old and is older than the hotel next door. Perhaps it was just the jetlag talking though.
At least that's what he thinks he is.
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