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I was just coming off lunch today when my phone rang and...stupidly...I picked it up.
This guy, who informed me he was calling from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, proceeded to take me on a 10-minute, 46-second whirlwind tour of insanity. I didn't think fast enough to write this all down verbatim, but let me hit the high points for you.
First of all, when I picked up the phone and gave my standard greeting of "Newsroom", the first words out of this guy's mouth were "Are you a strong Texas woman?"
I think my exact response was "Huh?"
He repeated himself. "Are you a strong Texas woman?"
Well, all right, I already answered the phone, I guess I'm committed to see where this is going. "Yes sir."
He then explained that what he was about to ask me to do was going to be rather unusual. I had already gathered that, so I just kept playing along. He then asked me to write down a question for him. It was "Which woman is actually a male ex-convict Canadian?" Then he told me to write down six names...Barbara Bush, Sarah Palin, Laura Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Cindy McCain, and I forget what the sixth one was because by then it was all I could do not to howl laughter over the phone. Don't want to be rude, after all.
He then proceeded to inform me of the following about each of these women...that they were all former male Canadian citizens, that about half of them were ex-cons who had fled from Canada into America PLANNING to become the first woman president, despite the fact, and this IS a direct quote..."they still have their ding-dongs between their legs." Whoo boy. (Oh and he also told me that Elizabeth Dole was/is the son of Stu and Helen Hart, which made the wrestling fan in me LMAO at the sheer randomness of it, especially since she was born something like 12 years before Stu and Helen even got married.)
Oh, and then, after this little excursion, he had me "write down" (I wasn't actually writing this down so much as I was pantomiming into the air, but yeah) another name that I had never heard before. He informed me that the Texas Rangers, for some reason, stole this woman, smuggled her all the way to and across the Canadian border, and put her into a hole underground with JFK and RFK, who are both still alive but being held captive by the "gutless, cowardly SOBs" (indirect quote, I'm watching my language) in the Texas Rangers.
Then he told me to take all this that I had written down, take it around to all "my" Texas Rangers, call them GD gutless cowards to their faces, and demand to know where his wife was. Even though she's apparently in a hole in Canada with JFK and RFK. And for some reason, a bunch of men, including a member of the Hart wrestling family, dressed in drag and snuck across the borders to become the first female American presidents, are apparently involved.
Oh yeah, and he said that back in 1978, he had "declared the North American Military Police Act," which is apparently sort of like hitting home base in a game of freeze tag, so the Texas Rangers couldn't touch him, but they took off with his wife to spite him, and stuck her in the hole underground with the Kennedys. Except Teddy, who is apparently too wily to get caught. And he repeated "Where is my wife?" several times in between calling the Texas Rangers (he never specified if it was the cop version or the sports version, come to think of it) all sorts of horrible names.
At the end of the call, he politely thanked me for my time, repeated that I should take his message to "my" Texas Rangers, and hung up.
So...yeah...Graves...come get your psycho and take him back home with you. I ain't babysittin'.
Edit: Finally remembered. The sixth woman was Hillary Clinton. How in the name of hell I forgot Hillary Clinton and remembered Elizabeth Dole, I don't know, but there ya go.
This guy, who informed me he was calling from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, proceeded to take me on a 10-minute, 46-second whirlwind tour of insanity. I didn't think fast enough to write this all down verbatim, but let me hit the high points for you.
First of all, when I picked up the phone and gave my standard greeting of "Newsroom", the first words out of this guy's mouth were "Are you a strong Texas woman?"
I think my exact response was "Huh?"
He repeated himself. "Are you a strong Texas woman?"
Well, all right, I already answered the phone, I guess I'm committed to see where this is going. "Yes sir."
He then explained that what he was about to ask me to do was going to be rather unusual. I had already gathered that, so I just kept playing along. He then asked me to write down a question for him. It was "Which woman is actually a male ex-convict Canadian?" Then he told me to write down six names...Barbara Bush, Sarah Palin, Laura Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Cindy McCain, and I forget what the sixth one was because by then it was all I could do not to howl laughter over the phone. Don't want to be rude, after all.
He then proceeded to inform me of the following about each of these women...that they were all former male Canadian citizens, that about half of them were ex-cons who had fled from Canada into America PLANNING to become the first woman president, despite the fact, and this IS a direct quote..."they still have their ding-dongs between their legs." Whoo boy. (Oh and he also told me that Elizabeth Dole was/is the son of Stu and Helen Hart, which made the wrestling fan in me LMAO at the sheer randomness of it, especially since she was born something like 12 years before Stu and Helen even got married.)
Oh, and then, after this little excursion, he had me "write down" (I wasn't actually writing this down so much as I was pantomiming into the air, but yeah) another name that I had never heard before. He informed me that the Texas Rangers, for some reason, stole this woman, smuggled her all the way to and across the Canadian border, and put her into a hole underground with JFK and RFK, who are both still alive but being held captive by the "gutless, cowardly SOBs" (indirect quote, I'm watching my language) in the Texas Rangers.
Then he told me to take all this that I had written down, take it around to all "my" Texas Rangers, call them GD gutless cowards to their faces, and demand to know where his wife was. Even though she's apparently in a hole in Canada with JFK and RFK. And for some reason, a bunch of men, including a member of the Hart wrestling family, dressed in drag and snuck across the borders to become the first female American presidents, are apparently involved.
Oh yeah, and he said that back in 1978, he had "declared the North American Military Police Act," which is apparently sort of like hitting home base in a game of freeze tag, so the Texas Rangers couldn't touch him, but they took off with his wife to spite him, and stuck her in the hole underground with the Kennedys. Except Teddy, who is apparently too wily to get caught. And he repeated "Where is my wife?" several times in between calling the Texas Rangers (he never specified if it was the cop version or the sports version, come to think of it) all sorts of horrible names.
At the end of the call, he politely thanked me for my time, repeated that I should take his message to "my" Texas Rangers, and hung up.
So...yeah...Graves...come get your psycho and take him back home with you. I ain't babysittin'.
Edit: Finally remembered. The sixth woman was Hillary Clinton. How in the name of hell I forgot Hillary Clinton and remembered Elizabeth Dole, I don't know, but there ya go.
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