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  • Boys confuse me

    I don't get why it is that the more people sleep together, the further away they push each other, at least publicly – it’s not like there is need for secrecy; I can understand privacy, its no ones business but the people sleeping together…

    Honestly, if you don’t want people to suspect something – don’t change anything. No, seriously – don’t delete or block someone on FB, don’t stop saying hi to each other in public places. If you act as you always did prior to sleeping with the other person, then no one has a reason to start questioning “are X and Y sleeping together? Or did they have a falling out?” It’s when the behavior changes that the questions, speculations and rumors start.

    If there are no “ground rules” set in place, then when one party changes behavior, the other party can feel insecure, slighted, degraded, disrespected, insulted, and hurt; “good enough to sleep with, not good enough to acknowledge…” this leads to asking mutual friends “WTF?” which feeds the rumors….

    If you were friends before sex, don’t stop being friends just because of sex; both guys and girls can do the “casual sex” thing w/o getting emotionally attached, however most humans are creatures of habit, so we prefer what is familiar and comfortable, the tried & true, “if it ain’t broke, don’t change it”; we often justify it as “the sex is good (enough) and I don’t want to kick them out of bed when we’re done, plus s/he’s hot”


    Yes, this is something I'm experiencing.... but I happen to know that I am not the only person that has gone through this, or something similar....

    what really doesn't make sense is that I thought we had an *unspoken* understanding of not leaving marks (hickeys/love-bites, etc) on each other - and he left 2 marks on me... I went to work with a visible bite on my neck, now fortunately we don't work w/ the public, but still I do work w/ my mother.

    the guy in question - we have slept together on 3 different occasions, the 1st time, nothing changed, the 2nd time - he deleted me from his friends list, then last night I discovered that either I've been blocked, or he's deleted his profile - i'd like to hope that he's deleted his profile, as he's not on very often, but I have a feeling i've been blocked... and the thing is, to me its highly immature, i realize he's younger than me, but since he's a "former" Marine, I kinda expect less immaturity from him; I don't stalk him... i may show a pic of him to someone cause he happens to come up in conversation (and they're not placing face & name), or something equally harmless... even when we were "FB-friends" I didn't like everything he posted, I didn't comment constantly, I treated him the same as everybody else that's not family....

    now obviously many of you are going to suggest "Don't sleep with him again"... well... it had been like 6 months since I'd slept w/ any body (and yes, he was the last, also the only one i've slept w/ since my breakup) and I can't count the number times I turned him down.
    Last edited by Ree; 05-13-2012, 12:27 PM. Reason: Removed link to photo
    I am well versed in the "gentle" art of verbal self-defense

    Once is an accident; Twice is coincidence; Thrice is a pattern.

    http://www.gofundme.com/treasurenathanwedding

  • #2
    oddly this makes me think of the military and rumors. cos there's always rumors about who is sleeping with whom. and if you say... get caught chatting with the same guy more than once on the mess decks people start asking if you're dating.

    and trying to cover stuff or deny it too hard and it just confirms their suspicions.

    (although apparently finding it funny and laughing about it seems to work wonders in nixing said rumors. yeah it happened to me, but I wasn't dating the guy & wasn't even interested - we just talked about LOTR sometimes... so my reaction pretty much killed my coworkers' fun in spreading the rumor)

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    • #3
      You are trying to apply logic to guys. Good luck with that. Once again, I feel the need to bring up the Universal Law of the Sexes: All men are stupid. All women are insane. There are NO exceptions.

      You are also trying to apply logic to people who are having sex. Have I mentioned the Universal Law of the Sexes?

      Look, YOU can be logical and rational about sex. That does not mean your partner can. Remember this.

      Quoth Treasure View Post
      If there are no “ground rules” set in place, then when one party changes behavior, the other party can feel insecure, slighted, degraded, disrespected, insulted, and hurt; “good enough to sleep with, not good enough to acknowledge…”
      An excellent argument for actually setting down ground rules in such situations, don't you think?

      Quoth Treasure View Post
      what really doesn't make sense is that I thought we had an *unspoken* understanding of not leaving marks (hickeys/love-bites, etc) on each other - and he left 2 marks on me...
      The problem with unspoken rules is that they are, in fact, unspoken, which means that not all parties may be aware such rules are supposed to be in place. The best way to avoid this trap is to 1. Never Assume, and 2. Makes Sure All Rules Are Known by Both Parties.

      Just a few thoughts.

      "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
      Still A Customer."

      Comment


      • #4
        Unspoken agreements aren't agreements. Unless you've very clearly articulated what you want, *and* you've heard him repeat it back to you in such a way that it makes it clear he really does understand, then there is no agreement.

        Just my $0.02 on this issue. A great many relationship issues tend to boil down to people thinking the other party understands when the other party hasn't got a clue. And that goes for the changing behavior thing as well. He may think that's what you want. He may not be aware he's doing it. Any number of various possibilities may apply, and the only way to sort 'em out is to talk about 'em in frank and straightforward terms.
        The best advice is this: Don't take advice and don't give advice. ~Author Unknown

        Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself. ~Cicero

        See the fuzzy - http://bladespark.livejournal.com/

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        • #5
          My problem with my last FWB was that we had a verbal agreement to just act normal in public...but then she started being super clingy to me when we were out with friends who had no idea. And then if we were staying over a friends house, she'd expect me to sleep with her on the blow up mattress in the living room or something. Uh, sorry, that's not normal and would definitely blow our cover.

          The main thing is keeping everything verbal. Both parties need to know what to expect from each other and what they want from the deal. Can't leave anything out or just expect them to be a certain way cause it doesn't work like that.
          "I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask." - House

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          • #6
            I'm leaning towards he's sleeping with multiple girls and one way to prevent them from finding out is to not have them as friends on Facebook so if his buddies say "can't believe you hooked up with X last night!" and he doesn't hide it/delete it right away, then his cover isn't blown with you and he can still sleep with the 2-4 girls he may have on call.

            I don't do fwb simply because the guys usually can't keep their mouth closed. They have to tell their best friends who have to tell their other best friends and so on.

            Comment


            • #7
              1 - I tried to establish ground rules, the 2nd time we got together - a couple of days later is when i discovered i'd been unfriended - I went WTF??? jackass

              2 - I suspect I am not the only person he's sleeping with, I don't care either - Its not in my face, he doesn't talk about, we're good; and again, I am very grateful for my lack of latex allergy, as it allows me to maintain my "100% scurvy free" status.

              Universal Law of the Sexes: All men are stupid. All women are insane. There are NO exceptions.
              Jester - you forgot the sub_section - Women are insane, b/c Men are stupid.....


              I would dearly like to establish ground rules, but that apparently hints at too much intimacy and requires us to actually talk beyond "Yes, No, c'mere" etc...

              He frustrates me...
              do I want a relationship with him? dunno - I'm not going to be the one to ask; if he asks, I'll consider it... but can't say with any honesty if I'd say yes or no... I'll know my answer, if I ever get asked the question... but if I don't get asked, I'm good too.

              Do I want things to stay the way they are? Not really... we used to talk, we used to be friends (fledgling as it was); and I'd rather the friendship, if that means we have to stop sleeping together (infrequent as its been) then OK

              does he know this? of course not, that would mean he'd have to stop being a turd long enough to listen to me when I tell him this....
              I am well versed in the "gentle" art of verbal self-defense

              Once is an accident; Twice is coincidence; Thrice is a pattern.

              http://www.gofundme.com/treasurenathanwedding

              Comment


              • #8
                Well I want to say to you..whatever makes you happy. Now that I've said that..you do deserve better/more (if that is indeed what you want). I'd prefer you happy, whatever it takes to get you to that point. Hope I'm making any sense at all.
                Engaged to the amazing Marmalady. She is my Silver Dragon, shining as bright as the sun. I her Black Dragon (though good honestly), dark as night..fierce and strong.

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                • #9
                  Quoth Treasure View Post
                  I would dearly like to establish ground rules, but that apparently hints at too much intimacy and requires us to actually talk beyond "Yes, No, c'mere" etc...
                  Establishing ground rules is not intimacy. It's common sense. Both people need to know what is okay with the other person and what isn't. Nothing kills the mood like being surprised by your partner doing something you doing something you don't like unexpectedly. For instance, I don't like having marks on me. So if some woman I'm with starts biting on my neck or sucking really hard on it, I'm going to be pissed and not in the mood anymore. By establishing the rules, we can avoid that situation all together.
                  "I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask." - House

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