Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

I feel like I'm losing control of my life.

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • I feel like I'm losing control of my life.

    This will all sound like a lot of self-indulgent whining, so fair warning.

    Okay, here goes. I am in a bad place mentally right now. I feel like an overstimulated child, dealing with too much coming from too many directions all at the same time.

    Firstly, my partner and I had a huge fight back in April over everything that was, is, and ever has been wrong in our relationship, and for a while afterward things got much better. Then I did something that made him suspicious, and though he says we're over that setback I don't feel it and I don't feel as close to him as we were before.

    Secondly, part of that big fight was the fact that he's basically supporting me while I go to school. I need to contribute to the household and put some hard evidence -- some cash -- into things as proof I'm invested in this. I had to get another job. I did. It's thrown me into the drowning pool. I got a job doing the night audit at a hotel four nights a week, figuring I could draw on my previous hotel experience.

    It's not working. I'm no longer cut out for customer service. The thought of going to work fills me with dread, and I go around at work hunched over like I'm waiting to be whipped. It didn't help that on my second night there a guest threw his keys in my face and berated me. Now I assume they're all like that, and I have to battle the fight-or-flight reaction to every single phone call and guest walking by, checking in, or asking a question. It also didn't help -- at all -- that two different people taught me two different ways to do the audit, and my reaction to that makes me think the bosses are wondering if they made a mistake in hiring me. Then, there's the fact that I specifically chose the night audit because I hoped to have time to study and do schoolwork while I'm there. One of the people training me informed me that wouldn't be the case, that the hotel general manager was lying when she told me I could expect about three hours of downtime a night, that I'd get about half an hour a night if I was lucky, and that perhaps I should consider another job instead. Although, to her credit, she was just as sweet as treacle when she said it. Called me "darlin'" so many times I thought I might have to slap her.

    Then there's school. I'm going to have class four nights a week next semester, meaning work and school will overlap one night, and I still have to fit in my hours during the day with the developmentally-disabled kid I work with at my other job. And I'll have a six-hour-a-week internship, unpaid, to contend with. I don't know how I'll do it and I'm terrified.

    This leads me back to my partner. We spend so much time apart from each other now and it feels like we're drifting away. Maybe fading. We barely even have sex anymore. And speaking of spennding time away from people and not doing things anymore, I almost never see my friends anymore, and one is moving away in September. We've been friends since high school, almost twenty years now, and now I'll likely never see her again.

    Nothing is going right, right now. I feel like screaming, but I doubt anyone would hear me. I'm seeing a therapist (another condition of that big fight) but she's no help. Nothing helps. I feel like I'm trying to catch water with my fingers.

    What the hell do I do?
    Last edited by Antisocial_Worker; 07-24-2014, 02:38 PM.
    Drive it like it's a county car.

  • #2
    Wow, that's tough. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this right now.

    I don't have much advice but have you sat down with the partner and laid out your schedule for him? Maybe he isn't really aware of how hectic things are for you right now. And how does your budget look? Do you actually need two incomes, or does he just feel like you should be bringing in money?
    https://www.facebook.com/authorpatriciacorrell/

    Comment


    • #3
      I don't think anyone is in real control of their lives; if anything, our lives are in control of us. All you can do is control yourself.

      You can accommodate your partner, but if he won't cooperate, there's only so much you can do.

      Seeing customers as potential threats... Well, they *are* potential threats. Doesn't mean they will be. And getting screamed at is unpleasant, but you can get past that. I'd like you to stand up, stare at a wall, imagine that customer screaming at you, and you just standing there staring her down.

      As a frequenter of this forum you're aware of how badly jobs can suck. You should also know some of the solutions. Document, document, document. Ask for clarification. See if they can accommodate your changing school schedule. If you don't like the job anyway, throw your resume around and see if you can find something else.

      As for screaming... Go ahead and scream. Get it out.

      Comment


      • #4
        If this therapist isn't working for you, seek another. My own therapist told me once that several different researchers (working different angles) had found that the best marker for success in psychotherapies is the relationship between therapist and patient.
        Exactly which talking therapy is used does matter, but not as much as the quality of the working relationship.

        As for everything else:

        Step 1: Scream.
        Or paint, knead dough, play furious music, otherwise get your emotions expressed. Just go ahead and express, don't let your internal censor get in the way.
        You'll be able to think more productively once that's done.

        Step 2: Harness the emotional energy.
        Now that the worst of the emotion is vented, the rest of it is able to give you emotional strength; and also to point you towards genuine problems.
        I don't know if you've read such books as "The Gift of Fear" or "The Dance of Anger"; but emotions - even sadness, even depression! - have purposes behind them. You can use those purposes to help you determine what's wrong in your life; they're signposts.
        And emotions can also give you strength. Anger can give you drive and purpose and motivation (the internal sort, not the silly 'motivational poster' sort) to Get. Things. Done. Sadness can give you space to rest, relax, meditate and reflect. Anxiety and fear can both heighten your perceptions (if you harness them, rather than letting them harness you).

        Step 3: Make some lists.
        Write down what you think you need to get done every week. A whiteboard or a word document is good for this.
        Now make a four part table; cross shaped. +
        Left column: Urgent. Right column: Not urgent.
        Top row: Important. Bottom row: Not important.
        Sort everything into one of the four spaces in the cross/table.

        Make sure that 'loving and being loved' is in the urgent/important section.


        Step 4: Study emotional signposts.
        Sit and meditate, with the table in front of you. Focus on each emotion in turn, whether it's been bothering you or not. (If sitting meditation doesn't work for you, do a walking meditation with your phone ready to record notes, or .. whatever does work.)
        Not all emotions will currently have messages for you; but many of them will. Some will want you to move a thing from one section of the table to another.
        Some will want you to add something to the table. Some will tell you that something you've written down doesn't actually matter.
        Some will want you to write down something that doesn't belong in a task list. If so, write that down.

        Eventually you'll have a sorted table, and some side issues. One of the side issues is likely to be your anxiety/fear about customers.
        You will need to work on that as an action item, and probably in the urgent/important list. Now me, I've been out of customer service so long I don't have a right to try to suggest anything except from random 'life wisdom': but maybe other folks here will have suggestions.
        Or maybe meditating on the issue will have found you an answer. Hell, I dunno: I just live here!


        Step 5: Now you know...
        .... which of the tasks is important to you, which are urgent, and which can be delayed, and which can wither on the vine.
        Seriously, many of us do things in our day which are just makework and irrelevent to our greater lives. When life is stressing you out like this, chop them off.


        I hope this helps. I really do.
        Seshat's self-help guide:
        1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
        2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
        3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
        4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

        "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

        Comment


        • #5
          I wanted to make sure that you all knew your advice was not ignored. Sometimes it's just exhausting to say any more about one's problems though.
          Drive it like it's a county car.

          Comment


          • #6
            I understand that. I hope at least some of the advice was helpful.
            Seshat's self-help guide:
            1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
            2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
            3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
            4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

            "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

            Comment

            Working...
            X