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Yesterday was the custody hearing regarding my children. I really didn't know what to expect. I wasn't expecting any surprises from my ex, she was going to go right into her usual tale of how horrible I was and give examples of alleged abuse (that leads one to wonder why she didn't report any of it had it really happened). Not surprisingly, she showed up with he usual cheer squad (her sister, her grandmother, and Shiny New Hubs heretofore referred to as SNH). Oddly enough, her mother was not present, I would assume she was watching the kids, and that's fine with me.
My mother had mentioned to me the other night that she would have taken the day off to be there but she didn't want to "cause a problem." Because the only people my ex hates more than me are my parents. I told her my ex had no say whatsoever in who came to the hearing and she had every right to be there if she wanted to. So my mom wound up taking the day off and bringing a friend/coworker of hers who knows my ex's family (they go to the same church I think). Her friend told my mom she didn't need to be alone all day so she offered to come along, which was no problem for me.
Met my mom and her friend in the parking lot, my ex had just gone inside the courthouse so we waited a few minutes before going in. There was another hearing still in progress so we had to wait. My attorney got there and we waited outside the courtroom. Ex was inside one of the nearby conference rooms with her attorney, SNH kept coming and going every few mins, apparently dispatched to fetch drinks and who knows what.
My attorney explained to me the legal definition of sole custody vs Joint Custody. Basically, sole custody does NOT mean no time with the kids, it just means that the parent with sole custody makes the decisions such as which school the kids go to, who their doctor is, and so on. Finally it was time to go inside the courtroom and get started.
Ex was allowed to present her case first since shew as the petitioner, which was fine. All witnesses were sequestered, which were just a CPS worker, ex's sister, and her grandmother (odd choice for a witness, as her and I always got along very well and frankly I just love that woman to death). First they called the CPS lady.
She was assigned to my ex's case just to come visit her and the kids and help them deal with the stress and see how things were going. She only worked with them for a few months, then someone else took over. This witness was an odd choice to me. She only started the job a month before she was assigned to my ex, so she had been brand-new at this (inexperienced), had a degree in Elementary Education (possibly unqualified), and didn't really have a whole lot of information to offer. She was about to say what one of my boy's told her, when my attorney objected on the grounds of hearsay, since the children would not be present to speak for themselves. This was upheld, and that was good because it kept the case focused on the facts rather than a "he said, she said" type of circus. She testified that the children acted, "unnaturally" by crying, throwing fits, and having temper tantrums over insignificant things. I'm not entirely sure when small children doing this over little things became "unnatural" but I'm allegedly not fit to be a parent so what do I know? And I'm not the one with the Education degree. Of course, my attorney was able to put a spin on this, pointing out that the kids did these things while in the care of my ex (meaning not that she's a bad parent, but that I wasn't around to be solely blamed for it). She said yes, but that these behaviors were in response to "past trauma." Which she was fully qualified to assess due to her degree in Psychology... oh wait. So that was it for her.
Next was my ex's turn to take the stand and by now I'm sure you can all guess what she said. So I'll just point out a few interesting highlights. She stated she saw me put my hands around the kids' necks and squeeze til they turned blue. First of all, wtf? Secondly, why didn't she report that if it was true? Not reporting something like that is grounds for being an accessory to child abuse (where you fail to report abuse you witness). She said her husband told her about an incident where he picked up the kids from daycare and a car matching my car's description started following his car so close he couldn't see the headlights in his rearview mirror. Then one of the children recognized the driver as me, they all started screaming, and when I saw that I suddenly turned a corner and sped off. But even though that would have been a violation of the restraining order, which would have revoked my bond and left me in jail, she didn't report it. My attorney asked me if I knew about that, I said I have no idea where my kids go to daycare, let alone what kind of car SNH drives. That was just totally random (and hearsay as she didn't actually see it). Then she talked about an incident that happened at Wal Mart last month (I forgot to post about it, but talked about it in chat). She said she was at the store one night and I came in. She saw me, but she understood that with only 2 stores in town we might be in there at the same time once in awhile, and she was TOTALLY okay with that. But one of the kids saw me and they all started screaming and freaking out and an employee came over to see if they were okay. She told them they were afraid of me and the employee said he'd take care of it. Cause she's not vindictive at all, you know. And that my kids wet the bed for several nights after that, because that's how scared of me they are.
Then came what would be the main focus of her attorney's case. He asked her if she knew I identified as a woman. She talked about how I had come out to her and that she just hadn't known what to think and that it was "weird" but it seemed to make me happy. She said the children became very confused and didn't like that I "made" them call me Mama and that they would say things like "I don't have 2 moms, I have 1 mom." I couldn't help but smile at her blatant lies about this. It's not like she could admit she was very much in favor of the idea at the time, wanted me to come out when I still wasn't ready, and even had the idea that we'd take a second honeymoon and both be wearing those silly "Bride" baseball caps. And she said that knowing about me now made my kids feel ashamed and embarrassed (really? I thought the mere thought of me caused my children to have mental breakdowns).
My ex's cross-examination was admittedly fun to watch. My attorney asked her if she had reported any abuse in the first year of our marriage. She glared at him and said "No, there weren't any children then." He asked about the second year. She got MORE pissed and said there hadn't been. And so on. He said, "So you're saying there were no reports of abuse until December 2010." She raised her voice a little and said, "No, that's NOT what I said. I SAID there was no abuse REPORTED." Way to try and make a case against my anger while letting yours take over on the stand. And she KNEW she let it happen so she spent the rest of the cross-examination with her arms crossed.
Next they called her sister. I was curious about her testimony, especially the way she walked into the courtroom all confident and took the stand with a smug look on her face. The very first statement she made started with, "I've heard the children say-" and the judge cut her off. She'd been outside when he declared the only testimony allowed was what people OBSERVED and nothing about what the children SAID. And clearly that had been my former sister-in-law's entire testimony because she didn't have much left, other than to claim she saw me kick the children (and didn't report it because.....) and that 2 months after we'd been married my ex called them in tears because I had shut her head in a door.
I had totally forgotten about that. We'd been having a fight about something and I left the apartment to go get the laundry from the dryers down the hall. I came back and she had locked me out. I got her to open the door a bit and we continued to argue as we were both pulling the door in different directions. The door swung enough for her to stick her head in the gap to yell at me. But we were still both tugging at the door and it hit her in the head. It was a stupid thing that happened because we were BOTH being childish and stupid.
Then she said my kids were "emotionally distressed." In the cross examination, my attorney asked her how she could tell they were emotionally distressed. She said because she knew. He asked, "So you're a psychologist?" And then SHE lost her cool and goes, "NO, I'M NOT!" And that was about the end of that. And as her sister walked by, my ex turned toward her, threw her hands up and had a "what the fuck was THAT?" look on her face. Clearly that testimony didn't go the way they intended.
Grandma was next. I was completely clueless about what she had to say. And ex's attorney asked her about the children and she said, "They're precious." God I love that woman. She didn't testify to any abuse she'd seen, just that she could tell that the children were stressed or seemed to be afraid. My attorney asked her if she thought stress could be a negative factor and she said yes. He asked her if she believed that both biological parents should be part of any child's life and she said that was VERY important, as long as it wasn't harmful to the children. So she actually helped me more, even though she was my ex's witness. And I just love that woman.
Ex's side rested their case. We took an hour for lunch and when we came back my counselor had arrived. Her testimony gave the court a professional psychological opinion of me that was, of course, very favorable. The questioning from ex's attorney focused on my gender. Then came one of the highlights of the day, he asked my counselor, "And you are a lesbian, is that correct?" The judged raised an eyebrow and my counselor blinked and said, "I don't see how that's relevant, but yes." Ex's attorney tried to say he thought it would make her unfairly biased in my favor and the judge said the question was NOT relevant, though my counselor did add that in a "typical" family, she's be more biased in favor of my ex.
Now it was finally my turn. I talked about the horrible state of my marriage and all and how I didn't LIKE being angry and miserable and how I was overworked and all that. I also addressed the time I allegedly followed her hubs and said I have no idea what he drive, where my kids' daycare is, or what their schedules are. I said if I'd ever been behind him, it was a coincidence and I hadn't been aware of it, that any time I saw my ex on the road I'd deliberately turn and go another way just for the sake of avoiding her. My attorney asked me if I would be okay with supervised visits of my children and I said that since it's been over a year since I've seen them and that my suitability as a parent would be under so much scrutiny, I thought that might be the BEST option to start with. We discussed my gender and I corrected what my ex had said. I stated how we had discussed the idea of telling the children about me, how I had been uncertain as to whether or not it was a good idea since I thought they were too young to understand. But she convinced me that our daughter was old enough and MAYBE our oldest son. So we had called our daughter into the bedroom and talked about it. and my ex, NOT ME, had told her she could call me "Mama Kara" if she wanted to.
Then I talked about the night she kicked me out of Wal Mart, about how the employee approached me and said that SHE, not my kids, had come to him and said that she had a restraining order and that I had to leave. I stated how I informed the employee that was NOT what the restraining order said, but to avoid a situation I'd just leave. And then I told them what happened about 5 days later. I had gone to Wal Mart, again after work, and since that time I had been looking around in case they happened to be there, I saw a little girl and thought to myself how she had beautiful hair just like my daughter's. Then I realized she WAS my daughter, and how she had looked over, saw me, and her face LIT UP and she smiled at me. My ex was right there but she had her back to me, as did SNH who was talking to his son. And that was NOT the reaction I'd expect from a child who's afraid of me.
The judge put up a hand and told me he had to stop me there. I was wondering what the hell I said wrong when he pointed at SNH and said, "Sir, during this entire testimony, you've been shaking or nodding your head and gesturing... if I see you do that ONE MORE TIME, you are OUT of this courtroom. Do you understand?" I hadn't been looking at my ex or SNH, I was looking right at my attorney as I testified. But my mom's friend and my counselor both told me he had been FURIOUSLY shaking his head a few times. PWND.
Then her attorney started the cross examination, focusing on my gender. He asked me my legal name and what name I go by. He asked me about any identification I've changed or plan to change. He asked me what medications I was on (I knew where he was going with this because a lot of people self medicate with hormones). I said I was on prevacid for my reflux, had recently come off blood pressure meds, and that I was taking PRESCRIBED hormones. He asked me what they were and I told him. He asked me if I thought being the way I am would have a negative impact on my children and I said no. He asked me why I hadn't taken a parenting class (because ex had bragged that she had completed 3 parenting classes) and I said with my criminal case plus everything else that's gone on, I simply didn't have time.
Then we got to the closing arguments, my attorney recommending I be able to see my children and be in their lives. Then her attorney got up there and argued about how it would be insane to let my kids have anything to do with me. He said I didn't do enough for my kids over the past year, and that I didn't even CARE how I might impact them (because I said I don't think what I am will be negative to the children - and I don't think so, I know several transgender parents with children of all ages and backgrounds). The ONE thing he said the whole time that really bothered me was when he referred to me by saying, ""dad, mom, whatever you want to call it."
Then the judge made a ruling. He awarded her sole custody. As was explained, and the judge reiterated, the legal definition of sole custody means she is the only one who can determine things like where the kids go to school and what doctor they see and all that... BUT... I now have the right to have any information about my children in regards to their school, their medical records, and their reports from their therapists. The latter I am VERY concerned about and will be making a request from them soon. Because despite what her attorney says, I am very much concerned about the welfare of my children.
And now comes the part I'd been waiting for. He ruled on parenting time. He said he did NOT agree with her attorney and he felt it is important for me to be involved in the lives of my children. He said that even though I haven't taken parenting classes (I have to do one, btw) I have done many things to improve myself for the sake of my children. And that since it's been over a year since my children have seen me we should INTEGRATE me back into their lives, starting with supervised parenting time (and we'll go from there over time). And our attorneys have 2 weeks to present a proposal.
I am going to see my children again. Soon.
Of course, the main issue I can see is my ex. I stated in my testimony that I would be willing to work with her for our children. I'm enough of an adult that I'm not going to argue with her, pick fights, or keep digging up the past when I deal with her directly. I'm not going to want to hang out with her or anything, but I believe two people can act like mature reasonable human beings and be civil about this. I just don't know if she can do that. She hates me so much, she's made it her mission to ensure that my children are taken from me forever. And she just lost that fight.
Which brings me to a final point. The judge allowed the restraining order to be in effect on HER until December (they can only extend it until 2 years after it was originally filed, so it'll be up on December 9th of this year). The judge told her that she MUST open her heart and mind to the idea that I will be part of the lives of my children. So hopefully 9 months is enough time for her to be pissed about the custody ruling, realize what's done is done, stop harboring childish resentment, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, stop trying to outright destroy me and start to be reasonable with me. If for no other reason than for the sake of our children.
My mother had mentioned to me the other night that she would have taken the day off to be there but she didn't want to "cause a problem." Because the only people my ex hates more than me are my parents. I told her my ex had no say whatsoever in who came to the hearing and she had every right to be there if she wanted to. So my mom wound up taking the day off and bringing a friend/coworker of hers who knows my ex's family (they go to the same church I think). Her friend told my mom she didn't need to be alone all day so she offered to come along, which was no problem for me.
Met my mom and her friend in the parking lot, my ex had just gone inside the courthouse so we waited a few minutes before going in. There was another hearing still in progress so we had to wait. My attorney got there and we waited outside the courtroom. Ex was inside one of the nearby conference rooms with her attorney, SNH kept coming and going every few mins, apparently dispatched to fetch drinks and who knows what.
My attorney explained to me the legal definition of sole custody vs Joint Custody. Basically, sole custody does NOT mean no time with the kids, it just means that the parent with sole custody makes the decisions such as which school the kids go to, who their doctor is, and so on. Finally it was time to go inside the courtroom and get started.
Ex was allowed to present her case first since shew as the petitioner, which was fine. All witnesses were sequestered, which were just a CPS worker, ex's sister, and her grandmother (odd choice for a witness, as her and I always got along very well and frankly I just love that woman to death). First they called the CPS lady.
She was assigned to my ex's case just to come visit her and the kids and help them deal with the stress and see how things were going. She only worked with them for a few months, then someone else took over. This witness was an odd choice to me. She only started the job a month before she was assigned to my ex, so she had been brand-new at this (inexperienced), had a degree in Elementary Education (possibly unqualified), and didn't really have a whole lot of information to offer. She was about to say what one of my boy's told her, when my attorney objected on the grounds of hearsay, since the children would not be present to speak for themselves. This was upheld, and that was good because it kept the case focused on the facts rather than a "he said, she said" type of circus. She testified that the children acted, "unnaturally" by crying, throwing fits, and having temper tantrums over insignificant things. I'm not entirely sure when small children doing this over little things became "unnatural" but I'm allegedly not fit to be a parent so what do I know? And I'm not the one with the Education degree. Of course, my attorney was able to put a spin on this, pointing out that the kids did these things while in the care of my ex (meaning not that she's a bad parent, but that I wasn't around to be solely blamed for it). She said yes, but that these behaviors were in response to "past trauma." Which she was fully qualified to assess due to her degree in Psychology... oh wait. So that was it for her.
Next was my ex's turn to take the stand and by now I'm sure you can all guess what she said. So I'll just point out a few interesting highlights. She stated she saw me put my hands around the kids' necks and squeeze til they turned blue. First of all, wtf? Secondly, why didn't she report that if it was true? Not reporting something like that is grounds for being an accessory to child abuse (where you fail to report abuse you witness). She said her husband told her about an incident where he picked up the kids from daycare and a car matching my car's description started following his car so close he couldn't see the headlights in his rearview mirror. Then one of the children recognized the driver as me, they all started screaming, and when I saw that I suddenly turned a corner and sped off. But even though that would have been a violation of the restraining order, which would have revoked my bond and left me in jail, she didn't report it. My attorney asked me if I knew about that, I said I have no idea where my kids go to daycare, let alone what kind of car SNH drives. That was just totally random (and hearsay as she didn't actually see it). Then she talked about an incident that happened at Wal Mart last month (I forgot to post about it, but talked about it in chat). She said she was at the store one night and I came in. She saw me, but she understood that with only 2 stores in town we might be in there at the same time once in awhile, and she was TOTALLY okay with that. But one of the kids saw me and they all started screaming and freaking out and an employee came over to see if they were okay. She told them they were afraid of me and the employee said he'd take care of it. Cause she's not vindictive at all, you know. And that my kids wet the bed for several nights after that, because that's how scared of me they are.
Then came what would be the main focus of her attorney's case. He asked her if she knew I identified as a woman. She talked about how I had come out to her and that she just hadn't known what to think and that it was "weird" but it seemed to make me happy. She said the children became very confused and didn't like that I "made" them call me Mama and that they would say things like "I don't have 2 moms, I have 1 mom." I couldn't help but smile at her blatant lies about this. It's not like she could admit she was very much in favor of the idea at the time, wanted me to come out when I still wasn't ready, and even had the idea that we'd take a second honeymoon and both be wearing those silly "Bride" baseball caps. And she said that knowing about me now made my kids feel ashamed and embarrassed (really? I thought the mere thought of me caused my children to have mental breakdowns).
My ex's cross-examination was admittedly fun to watch. My attorney asked her if she had reported any abuse in the first year of our marriage. She glared at him and said "No, there weren't any children then." He asked about the second year. She got MORE pissed and said there hadn't been. And so on. He said, "So you're saying there were no reports of abuse until December 2010." She raised her voice a little and said, "No, that's NOT what I said. I SAID there was no abuse REPORTED." Way to try and make a case against my anger while letting yours take over on the stand. And she KNEW she let it happen so she spent the rest of the cross-examination with her arms crossed.
Next they called her sister. I was curious about her testimony, especially the way she walked into the courtroom all confident and took the stand with a smug look on her face. The very first statement she made started with, "I've heard the children say-" and the judge cut her off. She'd been outside when he declared the only testimony allowed was what people OBSERVED and nothing about what the children SAID. And clearly that had been my former sister-in-law's entire testimony because she didn't have much left, other than to claim she saw me kick the children (and didn't report it because.....) and that 2 months after we'd been married my ex called them in tears because I had shut her head in a door.
I had totally forgotten about that. We'd been having a fight about something and I left the apartment to go get the laundry from the dryers down the hall. I came back and she had locked me out. I got her to open the door a bit and we continued to argue as we were both pulling the door in different directions. The door swung enough for her to stick her head in the gap to yell at me. But we were still both tugging at the door and it hit her in the head. It was a stupid thing that happened because we were BOTH being childish and stupid.
Then she said my kids were "emotionally distressed." In the cross examination, my attorney asked her how she could tell they were emotionally distressed. She said because she knew. He asked, "So you're a psychologist?" And then SHE lost her cool and goes, "NO, I'M NOT!" And that was about the end of that. And as her sister walked by, my ex turned toward her, threw her hands up and had a "what the fuck was THAT?" look on her face. Clearly that testimony didn't go the way they intended.
Grandma was next. I was completely clueless about what she had to say. And ex's attorney asked her about the children and she said, "They're precious." God I love that woman. She didn't testify to any abuse she'd seen, just that she could tell that the children were stressed or seemed to be afraid. My attorney asked her if she thought stress could be a negative factor and she said yes. He asked her if she believed that both biological parents should be part of any child's life and she said that was VERY important, as long as it wasn't harmful to the children. So she actually helped me more, even though she was my ex's witness. And I just love that woman.
Ex's side rested their case. We took an hour for lunch and when we came back my counselor had arrived. Her testimony gave the court a professional psychological opinion of me that was, of course, very favorable. The questioning from ex's attorney focused on my gender. Then came one of the highlights of the day, he asked my counselor, "And you are a lesbian, is that correct?" The judged raised an eyebrow and my counselor blinked and said, "I don't see how that's relevant, but yes." Ex's attorney tried to say he thought it would make her unfairly biased in my favor and the judge said the question was NOT relevant, though my counselor did add that in a "typical" family, she's be more biased in favor of my ex.
Now it was finally my turn. I talked about the horrible state of my marriage and all and how I didn't LIKE being angry and miserable and how I was overworked and all that. I also addressed the time I allegedly followed her hubs and said I have no idea what he drive, where my kids' daycare is, or what their schedules are. I said if I'd ever been behind him, it was a coincidence and I hadn't been aware of it, that any time I saw my ex on the road I'd deliberately turn and go another way just for the sake of avoiding her. My attorney asked me if I would be okay with supervised visits of my children and I said that since it's been over a year since I've seen them and that my suitability as a parent would be under so much scrutiny, I thought that might be the BEST option to start with. We discussed my gender and I corrected what my ex had said. I stated how we had discussed the idea of telling the children about me, how I had been uncertain as to whether or not it was a good idea since I thought they were too young to understand. But she convinced me that our daughter was old enough and MAYBE our oldest son. So we had called our daughter into the bedroom and talked about it. and my ex, NOT ME, had told her she could call me "Mama Kara" if she wanted to.
Then I talked about the night she kicked me out of Wal Mart, about how the employee approached me and said that SHE, not my kids, had come to him and said that she had a restraining order and that I had to leave. I stated how I informed the employee that was NOT what the restraining order said, but to avoid a situation I'd just leave. And then I told them what happened about 5 days later. I had gone to Wal Mart, again after work, and since that time I had been looking around in case they happened to be there, I saw a little girl and thought to myself how she had beautiful hair just like my daughter's. Then I realized she WAS my daughter, and how she had looked over, saw me, and her face LIT UP and she smiled at me. My ex was right there but she had her back to me, as did SNH who was talking to his son. And that was NOT the reaction I'd expect from a child who's afraid of me.
The judge put up a hand and told me he had to stop me there. I was wondering what the hell I said wrong when he pointed at SNH and said, "Sir, during this entire testimony, you've been shaking or nodding your head and gesturing... if I see you do that ONE MORE TIME, you are OUT of this courtroom. Do you understand?" I hadn't been looking at my ex or SNH, I was looking right at my attorney as I testified. But my mom's friend and my counselor both told me he had been FURIOUSLY shaking his head a few times. PWND.
Then her attorney started the cross examination, focusing on my gender. He asked me my legal name and what name I go by. He asked me about any identification I've changed or plan to change. He asked me what medications I was on (I knew where he was going with this because a lot of people self medicate with hormones). I said I was on prevacid for my reflux, had recently come off blood pressure meds, and that I was taking PRESCRIBED hormones. He asked me what they were and I told him. He asked me if I thought being the way I am would have a negative impact on my children and I said no. He asked me why I hadn't taken a parenting class (because ex had bragged that she had completed 3 parenting classes) and I said with my criminal case plus everything else that's gone on, I simply didn't have time.
Then we got to the closing arguments, my attorney recommending I be able to see my children and be in their lives. Then her attorney got up there and argued about how it would be insane to let my kids have anything to do with me. He said I didn't do enough for my kids over the past year, and that I didn't even CARE how I might impact them (because I said I don't think what I am will be negative to the children - and I don't think so, I know several transgender parents with children of all ages and backgrounds). The ONE thing he said the whole time that really bothered me was when he referred to me by saying, ""dad, mom, whatever you want to call it."
Then the judge made a ruling. He awarded her sole custody. As was explained, and the judge reiterated, the legal definition of sole custody means she is the only one who can determine things like where the kids go to school and what doctor they see and all that... BUT... I now have the right to have any information about my children in regards to their school, their medical records, and their reports from their therapists. The latter I am VERY concerned about and will be making a request from them soon. Because despite what her attorney says, I am very much concerned about the welfare of my children.
And now comes the part I'd been waiting for. He ruled on parenting time. He said he did NOT agree with her attorney and he felt it is important for me to be involved in the lives of my children. He said that even though I haven't taken parenting classes (I have to do one, btw) I have done many things to improve myself for the sake of my children. And that since it's been over a year since my children have seen me we should INTEGRATE me back into their lives, starting with supervised parenting time (and we'll go from there over time). And our attorneys have 2 weeks to present a proposal.
I am going to see my children again. Soon.
Of course, the main issue I can see is my ex. I stated in my testimony that I would be willing to work with her for our children. I'm enough of an adult that I'm not going to argue with her, pick fights, or keep digging up the past when I deal with her directly. I'm not going to want to hang out with her or anything, but I believe two people can act like mature reasonable human beings and be civil about this. I just don't know if she can do that. She hates me so much, she's made it her mission to ensure that my children are taken from me forever. And she just lost that fight.
Which brings me to a final point. The judge allowed the restraining order to be in effect on HER until December (they can only extend it until 2 years after it was originally filed, so it'll be up on December 9th of this year). The judge told her that she MUST open her heart and mind to the idea that I will be part of the lives of my children. So hopefully 9 months is enough time for her to be pissed about the custody ruling, realize what's done is done, stop harboring childish resentment, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, stop trying to outright destroy me and start to be reasonable with me. If for no other reason than for the sake of our children.
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