Because Skippy isn't the only person who gets rules laid down for him.
Just because I'm not the same snarling bitch I used to be doesn't mean that my, uh, talent for misbehavior has gone away. It's just been redirected towards being weird as hell and sort of a troll. In my last two jobs...one as a chef in a school kitchen, and one at the newspaper (the one most people know me for), I got up to a lot, thus...rules.
And yes, before you ask, there is a story behind each and every one of these. Most are self-explanatory. The ones that aren't...I'm probably not going to tell. Copypasta'ed from my tumblr...(Bonus points if you catch all the pop culture references that led to these things.)
Things Mysty Can No Longer Do At Work
In The Kitchen:
1. No longer allowed to announce anything about Ambassador Pineapple and how he will be representing me on the floor. Especially not with actual pineapples.
2. No more threatening high school class with “OUT OF THE WAY PECK!”
3. No more sending high school class to the back of the freezer before shutting the door and turning off the light.
4. No more showing a bottle of thickened red food coloring to high school class and claiming it to be cow’s blood before drinking it.
5. As a matter of fact, must stay away from high school class at all times.
6. No longer allowed to mention possibility of immersion blender “solving up to 800 problems a minute.”
7. No longer allowed to sing 14-minute long songs about the Rapture, no matter how “rockin’ metalcore” Fozzy is.
8. No more telling classmates urban legends about “jumping ticks” and later bouncing raisins in front of them from the dry storage room.
9. No more attempts at feeding customers “What The Hell Stew.”
10. No more swinging from freezer door to test “resonance cascade proofing”.
11. No more lengthy “debates” with coworkers on whether or not John Cena could beat Brock Lesnar in a fight, if said debates will continue to end with impromtu kitchen fencing.
12. No more chocolate during work since it makes me hyper and causes me to do all of the above.
13. For purposes of this list, straight cocoa powder counts as chocolate.
14. No more cooking an entire pot of mushrooms and eating them in one sitting just to win a bet.
15. Commenting that resulting vomit “looks a lot like our cream of mushroom soup” will get you sent home for the day.
16. ESPECIALLY if this is said in front of customers.
17. No longer allowed to handle Jell-O. EVER.
18. Gloating to head chefs about being right about meatloaf cupcakes being a bizarre hit with college kids must end after one hour.
19. Answering a question about the answer to an equation with an even more complex equation is funny, but uninformative.
20. Further addendum to made as necessary.
In The Office:
1. Not allowed to respond to customers asking “Do you know who I am?” with “Screw you, I’m Captain America.”
2. Pre-emptively not allowed to claim to be Iron Man either.
3. No more mooing at angry soccer moms just before the elevator door closes.
4. No more referring angry brides to the Bridezillas website.
5. No more referring irrational customers to the local mental health resource center.
6. No more referring clearly insane customers to the local ghost-hunting group.
7. Stop referring people to other places period.
8. No more attempted psychological experiments on customers. Even if it’s “For Science!”
9. ESPECIALLY not if it’s “For Science.”
10. Just because one can hit someone in the head with a paper plate from across the room does not mean one should.
11. Seriously, you are not Captain America.
12. Even if you happen to be carrying the shield with you and have it stashed under your desk.
13. Why do you even have that? This is not a thing normal people do.
14. No more giving angry customers an email address that is one letter off and then condescendingly “correcting” them when they call back even more enraged.
15. The staple puller is not a toy.
16. The letter opener is not a toy.
17. The mailbox is not a toy.
18. NOTHING in the office is made to withstand your concept of “playtime”.
19. Leaving the toilet seat covered in red food coloring just before a customer uses it is not allowed.
20. White toothpaste on the toilet seat is ESPECIALLY not allowed.
21. You are to take breaks in the breakroom or at your desk, not in the elevator, on the roof, in the condemned building across the street, or under any coworkers desks.
22. Again, not even if it’s “For Science”.
23. Informing area politicians you don’t know who they are is probably not the best idea.
24. Not allowed to claim to be Face from the A-Team.
25. Not allowed to leave fake spiders on elevator buttons.
26. In the future, if thinking of something makes me giggle uncontrollably, I should assume I’m probably not supposed to do it.
27. If a thought does not make me giggle, but causes no less than three coworkers to be creeped out by the smile on my face, I am DEFINITELY not supposed to do it.
28. Rules may be modified at any given point.
Just because I'm not the same snarling bitch I used to be doesn't mean that my, uh, talent for misbehavior has gone away. It's just been redirected towards being weird as hell and sort of a troll. In my last two jobs...one as a chef in a school kitchen, and one at the newspaper (the one most people know me for), I got up to a lot, thus...rules.
And yes, before you ask, there is a story behind each and every one of these. Most are self-explanatory. The ones that aren't...I'm probably not going to tell. Copypasta'ed from my tumblr...(Bonus points if you catch all the pop culture references that led to these things.)
Things Mysty Can No Longer Do At Work
In The Kitchen:
1. No longer allowed to announce anything about Ambassador Pineapple and how he will be representing me on the floor. Especially not with actual pineapples.
2. No more threatening high school class with “OUT OF THE WAY PECK!”
3. No more sending high school class to the back of the freezer before shutting the door and turning off the light.
4. No more showing a bottle of thickened red food coloring to high school class and claiming it to be cow’s blood before drinking it.
5. As a matter of fact, must stay away from high school class at all times.
6. No longer allowed to mention possibility of immersion blender “solving up to 800 problems a minute.”
7. No longer allowed to sing 14-minute long songs about the Rapture, no matter how “rockin’ metalcore” Fozzy is.
8. No more telling classmates urban legends about “jumping ticks” and later bouncing raisins in front of them from the dry storage room.
9. No more attempts at feeding customers “What The Hell Stew.”
10. No more swinging from freezer door to test “resonance cascade proofing”.
11. No more lengthy “debates” with coworkers on whether or not John Cena could beat Brock Lesnar in a fight, if said debates will continue to end with impromtu kitchen fencing.
12. No more chocolate during work since it makes me hyper and causes me to do all of the above.
13. For purposes of this list, straight cocoa powder counts as chocolate.
14. No more cooking an entire pot of mushrooms and eating them in one sitting just to win a bet.
15. Commenting that resulting vomit “looks a lot like our cream of mushroom soup” will get you sent home for the day.
16. ESPECIALLY if this is said in front of customers.
17. No longer allowed to handle Jell-O. EVER.
18. Gloating to head chefs about being right about meatloaf cupcakes being a bizarre hit with college kids must end after one hour.
19. Answering a question about the answer to an equation with an even more complex equation is funny, but uninformative.
20. Further addendum to made as necessary.
In The Office:
1. Not allowed to respond to customers asking “Do you know who I am?” with “Screw you, I’m Captain America.”
2. Pre-emptively not allowed to claim to be Iron Man either.
3. No more mooing at angry soccer moms just before the elevator door closes.
4. No more referring angry brides to the Bridezillas website.
5. No more referring irrational customers to the local mental health resource center.
6. No more referring clearly insane customers to the local ghost-hunting group.
7. Stop referring people to other places period.
8. No more attempted psychological experiments on customers. Even if it’s “For Science!”
9. ESPECIALLY not if it’s “For Science.”
10. Just because one can hit someone in the head with a paper plate from across the room does not mean one should.
11. Seriously, you are not Captain America.
12. Even if you happen to be carrying the shield with you and have it stashed under your desk.
13. Why do you even have that? This is not a thing normal people do.
14. No more giving angry customers an email address that is one letter off and then condescendingly “correcting” them when they call back even more enraged.
15. The staple puller is not a toy.
16. The letter opener is not a toy.
17. The mailbox is not a toy.
18. NOTHING in the office is made to withstand your concept of “playtime”.
19. Leaving the toilet seat covered in red food coloring just before a customer uses it is not allowed.
20. White toothpaste on the toilet seat is ESPECIALLY not allowed.
21. You are to take breaks in the breakroom or at your desk, not in the elevator, on the roof, in the condemned building across the street, or under any coworkers desks.
22. Again, not even if it’s “For Science”.
23. Informing area politicians you don’t know who they are is probably not the best idea.
24. Not allowed to claim to be Face from the A-Team.
25. Not allowed to leave fake spiders on elevator buttons.
26. In the future, if thinking of something makes me giggle uncontrollably, I should assume I’m probably not supposed to do it.
27. If a thought does not make me giggle, but causes no less than three coworkers to be creeped out by the smile on my face, I am DEFINITELY not supposed to do it.
28. Rules may be modified at any given point.
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