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  • Mysty's List

    Because Skippy isn't the only person who gets rules laid down for him.

    Just because I'm not the same snarling bitch I used to be doesn't mean that my, uh, talent for misbehavior has gone away. It's just been redirected towards being weird as hell and sort of a troll. In my last two jobs...one as a chef in a school kitchen, and one at the newspaper (the one most people know me for), I got up to a lot, thus...rules.

    And yes, before you ask, there is a story behind each and every one of these. Most are self-explanatory. The ones that aren't...I'm probably not going to tell. Copypasta'ed from my tumblr...(Bonus points if you catch all the pop culture references that led to these things.)

    Things Mysty Can No Longer Do At Work

    In The Kitchen:

    1. No longer allowed to announce anything about Ambassador Pineapple and how he will be representing me on the floor. Especially not with actual pineapples.

    2. No more threatening high school class with “OUT OF THE WAY PECK!”

    3. No more sending high school class to the back of the freezer before shutting the door and turning off the light.

    4. No more showing a bottle of thickened red food coloring to high school class and claiming it to be cow’s blood before drinking it.

    5. As a matter of fact, must stay away from high school class at all times.

    6. No longer allowed to mention possibility of immersion blender “solving up to 800 problems a minute.”

    7. No longer allowed to sing 14-minute long songs about the Rapture, no matter how “rockin’ metalcore” Fozzy is.

    8. No more telling classmates urban legends about “jumping ticks” and later bouncing raisins in front of them from the dry storage room.

    9. No more attempts at feeding customers “What The Hell Stew.”

    10. No more swinging from freezer door to test “resonance cascade proofing”.

    11. No more lengthy “debates” with coworkers on whether or not John Cena could beat Brock Lesnar in a fight, if said debates will continue to end with impromtu kitchen fencing.

    12. No more chocolate during work since it makes me hyper and causes me to do all of the above.

    13. For purposes of this list, straight cocoa powder counts as chocolate.

    14. No more cooking an entire pot of mushrooms and eating them in one sitting just to win a bet.

    15. Commenting that resulting vomit “looks a lot like our cream of mushroom soup” will get you sent home for the day.

    16. ESPECIALLY if this is said in front of customers.

    17. No longer allowed to handle Jell-O. EVER.

    18. Gloating to head chefs about being right about meatloaf cupcakes being a bizarre hit with college kids must end after one hour.

    19. Answering a question about the answer to an equation with an even more complex equation is funny, but uninformative.

    20. Further addendum to made as necessary.

    In The Office:

    1. Not allowed to respond to customers asking “Do you know who I am?” with “Screw you, I’m Captain America.”

    2. Pre-emptively not allowed to claim to be Iron Man either.

    3. No more mooing at angry soccer moms just before the elevator door closes.

    4. No more referring angry brides to the Bridezillas website.

    5. No more referring irrational customers to the local mental health resource center.

    6. No more referring clearly insane customers to the local ghost-hunting group.

    7. Stop referring people to other places period.

    8. No more attempted psychological experiments on customers. Even if it’s “For Science!”

    9. ESPECIALLY not if it’s “For Science.”

    10. Just because one can hit someone in the head with a paper plate from across the room does not mean one should.

    11. Seriously, you are not Captain America.

    12. Even if you happen to be carrying the shield with you and have it stashed under your desk.

    13. Why do you even have that? This is not a thing normal people do.

    14. No more giving angry customers an email address that is one letter off and then condescendingly “correcting” them when they call back even more enraged.

    15. The staple puller is not a toy.

    16. The letter opener is not a toy.

    17. The mailbox is not a toy.

    18. NOTHING in the office is made to withstand your concept of “playtime”.

    19. Leaving the toilet seat covered in red food coloring just before a customer uses it is not allowed.

    20. White toothpaste on the toilet seat is ESPECIALLY not allowed.

    21. You are to take breaks in the breakroom or at your desk, not in the elevator, on the roof, in the condemned building across the street, or under any coworkers desks.

    22. Again, not even if it’s “For Science”.

    23. Informing area politicians you don’t know who they are is probably not the best idea.

    24. Not allowed to claim to be Face from the A-Team.

    25. Not allowed to leave fake spiders on elevator buttons.

    26. In the future, if thinking of something makes me giggle uncontrollably, I should assume I’m probably not supposed to do it.

    27. If a thought does not make me giggle, but causes no less than three coworkers to be creeped out by the smile on my face, I am DEFINITELY not supposed to do it.

    28. Rules may be modified at any given point.
    "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

  • #2
    I love you.

    Comment


    • #3
      Mysty, you sound like someone I'd like to work with! Of course, we'd probably level any business we both worked at, but hey, life's too short to worry.
      I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
      My LiveJournal
      A page we can all agree with!

      Comment


      • #4
        I'd allow taking breaks under my desk, though I was known to crawl under cubicles and steal a single shoe, leaving a ransom note in the other shoe.....people started taking off their shoes and putting them in desk drawers after a bit.
        Honestly.... the image of that in my head made me go "AWESOME!"..... and then I remembered I am terribly strange.-Red dazes

        Comment


        • #5
          Some people have no sense of humour, I guess. You sound fun, in a totally insane way.

          However, Office-17 - this one you really should not do, because it will result in said plastic spider being inserted some place you probably wouldn`t enjoy. I am a bit irrational and massively over-reactive to spiders.

          That said, carry on, dear. The world needs more people like you.
          What colour is the sky in your world and how high of a dosage do you need before it turns back to blue? --Gravekeeper

          Comment


          • #6
            I like #23 in office. Hell, half the time I don't know who they are.
            And why do you have Captain America's shield, anyway...?
            When you start at zero, everything's progress.

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
              18. Gloating to head chefs about being right about meatloaf cupcakes being a bizarre hit with college kids must end after one hour.
              That sounds like a great idea, with mashed potato icing and a gravy filling.
              The High Priest is an Illusion!

              Comment


              • #8
                Mini bundt cake meatloaf with mashed potatoes in the center and gravy - it's a hit with all ages. :-)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
                  13. For purposes of this list, straight cocoa powder counts as chocolate.
                  Dear Dog! I did this as a child, thinking it would be like Nesquik. I'm surprised you can joke about it, the thought makes my jaw clench to this day.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth MoonCat View Post
                    I like #23 in office. Hell, half the time I don't know who they are.
                    And why do you have Captain America's shield, anyway...?
                    She's just that good.

                    I love this list, you must be one heck of a "scientist".
                    "If we refund your money, give you a free replacement and shoot the manager, then will you be happy?" - sign seen in a restaurant

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Mysty, you're awesome, that is all. You sound like a BLAST to work with.

                      [For the record, Cena would probably win against Lesnar, much as I hate to say it. Cena could just punch Lesnar repeatedly in his weak stomach until he pukes and passes out.]

                      Quoth CrazedClerkthe2nd View Post
                      She's just that good.

                      I love this list, you must be one heck of a "scientist".
                      In the finest traditions laid down by that great man of Science!*, Cave Johnson.

                      * - Capital S, with a bang.
                      PWNADE(TM) - Serve up a glass today! | PWNZER - An act of pwnage so awesome, it's like the victim got hit by a tank.

                      There are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because I choose to walk!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Few more for the office list:
                        24a. The same goes for OTHER members of the A-Team.
                        25a. The same goes for fake scorpions.
                        25b. Not allowed to do it with real creepy-crawlies and Krazy glue, either.
                        29. Modification of the rules is to be done by people OTHER than MystyGlitter.
                        Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          This might just be one of the greatest posts I've ever read...
                          Some people just need a high five...

                          In the face with the back of a chair....

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            My daughter the teacher's response after reading MystyGlytrr's list when I asked if she had been ****-listed at her school:

                            "No, they know I don't follow rules and they revel in my misbehavior."
                            I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                            Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                            Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Dammit. Why can't you be Cap? He's fucking awesome!
                              Driver Picks the Music, Shotgun Shuts His Cakehole.
                              Supernatural 9-13-05 to forever

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