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  • Letters to the Editor.

    How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
    selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
    football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
    for the rich and another for the poor.
    Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

    Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
    about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
    about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
    Mike Woods, e-mail

    With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
    soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
    a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly
    enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
    Shuggie, e-mail

    Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
    the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
    I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
    splendid sense of humour.
    Chris Scaife, Jesmond

    I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
    Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
    but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
    Dave Owen, Edinburgh

    I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
    is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
    customs.
    Stan

    What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
    the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
    Thomas J

    I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me
    I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out
    of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it
    up the side with a key.
    Christina Martin

    I'd like to congratulate the marketing geniuses responsible for naming
    the new A1 motor racing championship. Now they have craftily secured
    pole position in the Yellow Pages, surely there will be no stopping
    them. Bernie Eccles-tone will have to think again.
    Aardvark Mansell

    When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
    was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
    lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
    but the poor sod's face told a different story.
    Tommo, Hull

    I was being chased by a police dog last week and made the mistake of
    trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
    hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
    sticks.
    Stan Herschel

    I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning
    stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to
    put people off buying the product.
    Mark Mayhem

    Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
    Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
    crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
    are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
    spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How
    long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with
    this?
    Billington Smyth

    My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things
    I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done.
    I wish they'd make their ****ing minds up.
    Arnold Shoes

    'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote
    the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order
    to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off
    with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to
    me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the
    relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before
    they both get hurt.
    Mason, Rumpunter

    The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
    have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst
    picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the
    anus. That's not good luck in my book.
    Milos el Standish, Barcelona

    I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain
    's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My
    God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished,
    not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law
    abiding citizens can only dream of.
    Mrs Close, Headingley


    Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
    present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
    having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
    RAC have more responsible employees.
    Hugie Dixon, West Drayton


    The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
    heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
    living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
    wish they'd make their minds up.
    John

    'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
    says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
    Colin Hill

    I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
    mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
    around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
    would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
    extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

    L Palmer, London

    With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
    Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
    But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan
    .
    Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

    The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
    pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
    from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
    stop breaking the law, so will I.
    P Boddington, Ringway

    Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
    like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
    naked. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
    P, Leeds

    Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
    Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
    Anon

    On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
    Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
    obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road .
    Alan J., London

    Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
    Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
    climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
    get some faster cars.
    T Barnham, London
    The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all and sees all.

  • #2
    OH, GOOD GOD!
    Last edited by Spiffy McMoron; 06-21-2008, 10:47 PM. Reason: Excessive quoting and spaced smilies.
    "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

    Comment


    • #3
      With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
      soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
      a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly
      enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
      Shuggie, e-mail
      Sorry to be such a bore but that statement is wrong, it was Chris Ryan who was being chased in the Manhunt show and he was the one that got away, never caught, never gave up, slogged 200+ miles without food, water and being harrassed by Iraqi soldiers every step of the way.
      I am the nocturnal echo-locating flying mammal man.

      Comment


      • #4
        That reminds me, in the 70s there was a semi-famous local public toilet that got closed down because it was being used as a gay pick up area (and they still use other ones like that. Note to gay idiots, it's not illegal anymore so just go to a gay bar like all the gay non-idiots who are looking to pick up.)

        Anyway, back on topicish... There was a letter in the paper at the time, protesting the closure on behalf of all the people who use the public toilet. It was signed I.P. Daly.

        And there was a follow up a few days later about how you can just go in the gutter or behind a tree in the nearby park, signed I.P. Freeleigh.

        Comment


        • #5
          Ididn'tdoitnobodysawmedoityoucan'tproveanything.
          Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

          "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
            Ididn'tdoitnobodysawmedoityoucan'tproveanything.
            unless of course we liked it

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