Stealing the concept blatantly from Bill Maher, here are some New Rules for the bar!
thirtynothing: New Rule! If you're under 30, you cannot express shock at being carded. Nor can you in any way say, "I'm old." If you have not yet been on this planet for 30 years, and you are carded, your only job is to shut the fuck up and show your ID. This not only allows us to do our job and follow the laws where we work, it also prevents the patrons who are older than you from beating you over their heads with their walkers and running you over with their Hoverounds.
Full of Crap: New Rule! If you're only here to use the bathroom, don't lie and ask to see the food or drink menu. Just be honest and say, "We're just freeloaders, and we're here to take advantage of your plumbing facilities, so we can shit out the egg, potato, habanero, oatmeal, peanut butter, oyster, Pepto Bismol, sawdust, and paint chip burritos we had for breakfast at another place." If you're gonna use stuff you will never pay for, be like a politician or Fortune 500 executive and be proud of it!
Eyes Wide Shut: New Rule! You can no longer walk through the open front door of a restaurant, look around at the workers working and people eating and drinking and ask, "Are you open?" You're not Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder, you don't have a red-tipped cane or seeing eye dog, and you're a functional enough adult to have dressed yourself and wandered out of your house or hotel room on your own. By now, you should be able to read the blatantly obvious signs that, yes, we are open, and those people eating over there aren't confused picnickers who couldn't find the park or the beach, and in frustration wandered into a closed business, without any of the employees telling them they were trespassing.
Bazaar behavior: New Rule! You are no longer allowed to attempt your Trump-level negotiation skills to lower our prices. Our prices were set by management, and are not changing. And if they were, we would not be the ones changing them, as we are merely employees, and don't make such lofty decisions. So your pathetic so-called jokes about prices being less for you, such as, "Oh, this is only a dollar, right?" will no longer be tolerated. Unless, of course, you're willing to allow us to come to your jobs and attempt to negotiate with your boss into lowering your wages. "I think he's paid a bit much, don't you, Larry? How about we just round down by a few thousand on his salary, okay?"
Slappy Birthday: New Rule! You can no longer ask for free shots on your birthday, or on your friend's birthday. The bartender--and only the bartender--decides who, if anyone, is getting free shots, and since you're not blowing him at the moment, you're no different from any other mooch that wanders in here looking for free shit. If you really want free shots, be just as sly and sneaky as everyone else, and casually mention that it's your/their birthday. Or, better yet, stay at home and raid your parents' liquor cabinet, replacing the stolen booze with water, the way anyone else acting like a teenager drinking for the first time would do.
Brew Ha Ha: New Rule! It's about time you morons learned your basic geography, so when I say that domestic beers are on special during happy hour, you don't ask if that includes Guinness, Corona, or Stella. Those beers are from other countries, as you well know, and therefore are imports...as you also well know. Or, as we in the business like to call them, "not domestics." Wait, you don't like domestics? Guess what? No one else does, either. But they're on special because they're cheap beers. And people buy them because they're cheap people. You can have cheap or you can have tasty, not both. Your choice.
Remote control: New Rule! If you ask us to change the channel to a sporting event you say you want to watch, and we do so, you should stay for more than three minutes after that, so you can actually watch the event that was so important to you to make you stop us from helping other people just so we could change the channel to it. If you're only gonna watch a few minutes of soccer midway through the first period, it clearly wasn't that important to you to begin with. With such a short attention span as one of your endearing characteristics, it's no wonder your girlfriend is eyeing other guys around the bar.
thirtynothing: New Rule! If you're under 30, you cannot express shock at being carded. Nor can you in any way say, "I'm old." If you have not yet been on this planet for 30 years, and you are carded, your only job is to shut the fuck up and show your ID. This not only allows us to do our job and follow the laws where we work, it also prevents the patrons who are older than you from beating you over their heads with their walkers and running you over with their Hoverounds.
Full of Crap: New Rule! If you're only here to use the bathroom, don't lie and ask to see the food or drink menu. Just be honest and say, "We're just freeloaders, and we're here to take advantage of your plumbing facilities, so we can shit out the egg, potato, habanero, oatmeal, peanut butter, oyster, Pepto Bismol, sawdust, and paint chip burritos we had for breakfast at another place." If you're gonna use stuff you will never pay for, be like a politician or Fortune 500 executive and be proud of it!
Eyes Wide Shut: New Rule! You can no longer walk through the open front door of a restaurant, look around at the workers working and people eating and drinking and ask, "Are you open?" You're not Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder, you don't have a red-tipped cane or seeing eye dog, and you're a functional enough adult to have dressed yourself and wandered out of your house or hotel room on your own. By now, you should be able to read the blatantly obvious signs that, yes, we are open, and those people eating over there aren't confused picnickers who couldn't find the park or the beach, and in frustration wandered into a closed business, without any of the employees telling them they were trespassing.
Bazaar behavior: New Rule! You are no longer allowed to attempt your Trump-level negotiation skills to lower our prices. Our prices were set by management, and are not changing. And if they were, we would not be the ones changing them, as we are merely employees, and don't make such lofty decisions. So your pathetic so-called jokes about prices being less for you, such as, "Oh, this is only a dollar, right?" will no longer be tolerated. Unless, of course, you're willing to allow us to come to your jobs and attempt to negotiate with your boss into lowering your wages. "I think he's paid a bit much, don't you, Larry? How about we just round down by a few thousand on his salary, okay?"
Slappy Birthday: New Rule! You can no longer ask for free shots on your birthday, or on your friend's birthday. The bartender--and only the bartender--decides who, if anyone, is getting free shots, and since you're not blowing him at the moment, you're no different from any other mooch that wanders in here looking for free shit. If you really want free shots, be just as sly and sneaky as everyone else, and casually mention that it's your/their birthday. Or, better yet, stay at home and raid your parents' liquor cabinet, replacing the stolen booze with water, the way anyone else acting like a teenager drinking for the first time would do.
Brew Ha Ha: New Rule! It's about time you morons learned your basic geography, so when I say that domestic beers are on special during happy hour, you don't ask if that includes Guinness, Corona, or Stella. Those beers are from other countries, as you well know, and therefore are imports...as you also well know. Or, as we in the business like to call them, "not domestics." Wait, you don't like domestics? Guess what? No one else does, either. But they're on special because they're cheap beers. And people buy them because they're cheap people. You can have cheap or you can have tasty, not both. Your choice.
Remote control: New Rule! If you ask us to change the channel to a sporting event you say you want to watch, and we do so, you should stay for more than three minutes after that, so you can actually watch the event that was so important to you to make you stop us from helping other people just so we could change the channel to it. If you're only gonna watch a few minutes of soccer midway through the first period, it clearly wasn't that important to you to begin with. With such a short attention span as one of your endearing characteristics, it's no wonder your girlfriend is eyeing other guys around the bar.
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