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We had the proverbial white Xmas here a month back, and a foot of snow on the ground as recently as 2 weeks ago. But in the last 5 days, it's suddenly turned unseasonably warm, and rainy, like Mother Nature decided that January, February and March just weren't pulling in the ratings anymore, and cancelled them, so our weeknight lineup will now feature re-runs of April 10th, over and over again.... weather-wise. Back in late November, it was even MORE unseasonable, with one day in particular that reached into the 70's. I think this winter so far has given us one, MAYBE one day below the 10 degree mark on the thermometer. This is all important to understand the stupidity that permeates this next misadventure.
It starts at 2am, as I'm loading up the car the police have demanded removed from the public roadways because it's driver took the "Ethanol Compatible" badge on his car a bit to seriously and decided to "fuel up" himself. WHy oh why do these DUI's, with near surgical precision, pick the wettest, saltiest, dirtiest and most poorly-paved parking lots in the whole town to pull over in when the cops light them up? And they pull right up onto the curbs too so nothing loads nice and level?!
While I'm trying to load, the cellphone goes off, guys' back at the shop and wants his car. Ah, yes, I talked to him earlier, told him we had it, (parked in a private lot, which he didn't seem to understand why that was a problem) and he'd told me that he'd be by for it in the morning, since it wouldn't get an extra day of storage until sometime the following afternoon.
Well, change of plans, he wants it now..... he wants it noooooooooooowwwww
I tell him that at current, I'm lying on the ground under a car, but should be upright and back to the garage in about 20 minutes and I'll be happy to come up front and let him in.
"you can't do it now?" he asks
Nope, I try to explain to him that due to the laws of physics, I can't be in two places at once, and the whole reason the shop is locked up right now and they can't get in is because the sole employee there overnight tonight is me, and I'm currently under a car. They can wait, or they can come back in the morning if 20 minutes is too long. They 'agree' to wait it out, but let me know they aren't happy, because "it's cold" (50 degrees is cold? My gosh man, how do you not lose a limb reaching into the beer cooler at that rate?!). I tell them I sympathize, but that I have no control over when someone decides to commit DUI and when the PD tells me to "jump", I say "how high?" and all other customers/calls are subordinate. I actually beat my ETA back to base and get there in about 12 minutes.
The owner of the car wasn't bad, just clueless, wanted to know why he got towed from the Hotel he was staying at. And it took more time than it should have to explain to him that he hadn't parked on their property, he had instead parked on the OTHER SIDE of the street where there's nothing but apartments, with signs that clearly state "permit only" and had in fact been called in by the owner of that space who drops three bills a month for the spot. Once that piece of information finally forced it's way past the kink in the mental garden hose in his mind, he resigned himself to his fate and decided to pay, and wasn't an issue.
The real problem soon became his drunken buddy, who had been quiet up until now, but suddenly decided to pipe up.
DB -"You should have a heated waiting room or something, it's cold out there and my nose is running!"
Me - "Well, in a perfect world I suppose we would, but unfortunately, if I'm out on a call when you get here, you just have to wait a bit. I'm sorry about that, but it was a 911 call, they get priority"
DB -*snerk!* he snorts, *SNNNNEEEEEEEERK!* See? My nose is running, I probably have hypothermia!
I choose not to humor him with a response, and instead focused on walking his sober buddy though the paperwork. License, credit card, sign here, have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? Well, Not that staying busy stopped him....
DB - "So first we get towed for nothing, and then I have to wait, and now I get hypothermia? *SNERK!* See? MY NOSE IS RUNNY!"
It was hardly "nothing", you illegally parked. I think
DB - "If I have hypothermia, I'll sue!"
Oh, do tell..........
DB - *SNERK!* I'm going to sue! You gave me hypothermia!
Whatever, owners card clears. So, I lead the parade out back to the impound lot and let the two in to retrieve their car.
They get in, start it up, and it sits and idles..... and idles.......... and idles.......
Peachy! Passive-aggresive, I just love it when they do that, start their car but refuse to actually LEAVE. The headlights go on, then off, then on, then off, they fiddle with the gearshift, the reverse lights go on, then off, then the brakes go no n' off a few times..... Then, they play the Chinese Fire Drill, they get out stand for a second, consider swapping seats, then get back in.... I'm a patient man, but, enough is enough, it's been 5 minutes, whatever they're doing, there's no reason they can't do it out in the street where I don't have to keep and eye on them.
The drunk passenger gets out, walks to the back, pops the trunk and pulls out a jacket.... he sees me watching them and starts up again
DB - "See? I need a jacket now cuz' I got hypo....."
That's it, we're at the Popeye point, I've had all I can stands, can't stands no more! I've got a DUI car to unload, write up and then more stuff out there to find and tow, this is literally costing me money.... do not mess with Uncle Argy's moneyclip! YOU DID NOT GET HYPOTHERMIA FROM STANDING OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR FOR 15 MINUTES IN 50 DEGREE WEATHER YOU PONCE!
SIR! You need to leave, I have other things I need to do, if you don't leave now, I'll call the police for trespassing.
DB - "Whatever, guess you'll hear from my lawyer, because you gave me hypothermia!"
He finally gets back in the car, and it slowly, agonizingly, glacially, at a lateral ground speed that would make the advance of Dutch Elm Disease seem like the winner of a Funny Car race, putts it's way out of the yard and into the night.
I never did hear back from that guy, or his lawyer, maybe he succumbed...... to hypothermia after all? Or perhaps hypointellegence.... seems to be really going around as of late.
It starts at 2am, as I'm loading up the car the police have demanded removed from the public roadways because it's driver took the "Ethanol Compatible" badge on his car a bit to seriously and decided to "fuel up" himself. WHy oh why do these DUI's, with near surgical precision, pick the wettest, saltiest, dirtiest and most poorly-paved parking lots in the whole town to pull over in when the cops light them up? And they pull right up onto the curbs too so nothing loads nice and level?!
While I'm trying to load, the cellphone goes off, guys' back at the shop and wants his car. Ah, yes, I talked to him earlier, told him we had it, (parked in a private lot, which he didn't seem to understand why that was a problem) and he'd told me that he'd be by for it in the morning, since it wouldn't get an extra day of storage until sometime the following afternoon.
Well, change of plans, he wants it now..... he wants it noooooooooooowwwww
I tell him that at current, I'm lying on the ground under a car, but should be upright and back to the garage in about 20 minutes and I'll be happy to come up front and let him in.
"you can't do it now?" he asks
Nope, I try to explain to him that due to the laws of physics, I can't be in two places at once, and the whole reason the shop is locked up right now and they can't get in is because the sole employee there overnight tonight is me, and I'm currently under a car. They can wait, or they can come back in the morning if 20 minutes is too long. They 'agree' to wait it out, but let me know they aren't happy, because "it's cold" (50 degrees is cold? My gosh man, how do you not lose a limb reaching into the beer cooler at that rate?!). I tell them I sympathize, but that I have no control over when someone decides to commit DUI and when the PD tells me to "jump", I say "how high?" and all other customers/calls are subordinate. I actually beat my ETA back to base and get there in about 12 minutes.
The owner of the car wasn't bad, just clueless, wanted to know why he got towed from the Hotel he was staying at. And it took more time than it should have to explain to him that he hadn't parked on their property, he had instead parked on the OTHER SIDE of the street where there's nothing but apartments, with signs that clearly state "permit only" and had in fact been called in by the owner of that space who drops three bills a month for the spot. Once that piece of information finally forced it's way past the kink in the mental garden hose in his mind, he resigned himself to his fate and decided to pay, and wasn't an issue.
The real problem soon became his drunken buddy, who had been quiet up until now, but suddenly decided to pipe up.
DB -"You should have a heated waiting room or something, it's cold out there and my nose is running!"
Me - "Well, in a perfect world I suppose we would, but unfortunately, if I'm out on a call when you get here, you just have to wait a bit. I'm sorry about that, but it was a 911 call, they get priority"
DB -*snerk!* he snorts, *SNNNNEEEEEEEERK!* See? My nose is running, I probably have hypothermia!
I choose not to humor him with a response, and instead focused on walking his sober buddy though the paperwork. License, credit card, sign here, have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? Well, Not that staying busy stopped him....
DB - "So first we get towed for nothing, and then I have to wait, and now I get hypothermia? *SNERK!* See? MY NOSE IS RUNNY!"
It was hardly "nothing", you illegally parked. I think
DB - "If I have hypothermia, I'll sue!"
Oh, do tell..........
DB - *SNERK!* I'm going to sue! You gave me hypothermia!
Whatever, owners card clears. So, I lead the parade out back to the impound lot and let the two in to retrieve their car.
They get in, start it up, and it sits and idles..... and idles.......... and idles.......
Peachy! Passive-aggresive, I just love it when they do that, start their car but refuse to actually LEAVE. The headlights go on, then off, then on, then off, they fiddle with the gearshift, the reverse lights go on, then off, then the brakes go no n' off a few times..... Then, they play the Chinese Fire Drill, they get out stand for a second, consider swapping seats, then get back in.... I'm a patient man, but, enough is enough, it's been 5 minutes, whatever they're doing, there's no reason they can't do it out in the street where I don't have to keep and eye on them.
The drunk passenger gets out, walks to the back, pops the trunk and pulls out a jacket.... he sees me watching them and starts up again
DB - "See? I need a jacket now cuz' I got hypo....."
That's it, we're at the Popeye point, I've had all I can stands, can't stands no more! I've got a DUI car to unload, write up and then more stuff out there to find and tow, this is literally costing me money.... do not mess with Uncle Argy's moneyclip! YOU DID NOT GET HYPOTHERMIA FROM STANDING OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR FOR 15 MINUTES IN 50 DEGREE WEATHER YOU PONCE!
SIR! You need to leave, I have other things I need to do, if you don't leave now, I'll call the police for trespassing.
DB - "Whatever, guess you'll hear from my lawyer, because you gave me hypothermia!"
He finally gets back in the car, and it slowly, agonizingly, glacially, at a lateral ground speed that would make the advance of Dutch Elm Disease seem like the winner of a Funny Car race, putts it's way out of the yard and into the night.
I never did hear back from that guy, or his lawyer, maybe he succumbed...... to hypothermia after all? Or perhaps hypointellegence.... seems to be really going around as of late.
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