Depressed and on new Meds

[LillFilly]

A little over a year ago I left here because I was trying to pick up the pieces of my life after my boyfriend of 8-years dumped me.

I did a lot of soul searching and tried to re-create myself into who I wanted to be, rather than who I became for him.

It didn't always work. Even 6-months ago I was a gnats wing away from suicide. I had detailed plans of how and when and even had money put away towards rent until the housemates could find a new renter. Talking to the few long distance friends I have didn't do much, and I wasn't going to tell my parents; things were already bad enough.

But I kept trying; and it hit me - it wasn't all me. I mean, after almost 2-years how could I still feel like this? It couldn't have just been the break up. I tried a few other things and finally thought that maybe the antidepressants I'd been on for 10+ years wasn't working anymore. After the break-up my doctor upped the dose but it didn't make a difference (Zoloft, 200mg a day).

So my next doctors appointment they happened to have mental health surveys. I filled it out quite honestly. The doctor agreed we could try another medication; I'd done some research and thought an older generation pill would be best and was deciding between Prozac and Paxil; same generation as Zoloft, but affect the brain differently. We decided on Prozac, starting at 20mg. I guess the medication was just another part of my life by this point and I sort of forgot what it was supposed to be doing. I also really never discussed my mental health with the doctor, I figured I was just a broken soul.

It's. Been. AMAZING! I find myself laughing at little silly things now. I'm focusing on myself and what I want to do. Things don't get under my skin or get my down as much now. I'm enjoying life again. I don't know if I'm...normal... yet. Because I forgot what normal was. I wonder am I feeling happy enough? Sometimes I still get a dark thought flitting through, but I can ignore it. I know it's not a miracle, but it's a darn good stepping stone! And I get to see a therapist for free through the doctor's office once a week! This was my biggest hurdle because my insurance didn't cover ANY of the therapists listed in my insurance paperwork, I guess because it wasn't a work related issue, and I couldn't get any other mental health because I hadn't tried to kill myself yet. So, there's plenty of resources to help people getting near the edge, but unless you want to pay $170 out of pocket, unless you have already fallen, there's no help for you. Whatever happened to preventative therapy?

But , I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I wanted to get it off my chest. Maybe it will help others looking at medications. I haven't noticed serious side effects yet. The Zoloft apparently was a downer; the Prozac is an upper and for the first week I was a little jittery like I'd had too much coffee. I feel more normal now, not hyped up, but not lethargic either. I don't know how long this will work for me or if eventually I'll have a tolerance to this too. Heck, part of me wonders if it's all in my head and this is a placebo effect! But, if I think it's working that's good enough for me. Thanks for letting me get this out.

[greek_jester]

Thanks for letting me get this out.

You're welcome. That's what we're here for.

You've actually reminded me that I need to get my own antidepressants reviewed; I've been on the current tablets and dose for a couple of years now. While it's working fine on getting me to sleep and keeping me on a more even keel, it'd be nice not to have the constant, gnawing hunger, even if I've just finished eating enough food to stuff myself to bursting...

[Sapphire Silk]

I'm glad you wrote this. You proved that things CAN get better.

I urge you to follow up with a therapist. Medication has its limits; you need to deal with the root of the problem, and meds can't do that for you.

But you're on the right track and can go back to seeing the wonderful person you are inside again!

[fireheart]

there's a passage in a book that I read that makes sense to this. Basically the passage referred to ADHD meds, but is relevant to this.

The passage was that "[the teacher] had come to appreciate the effect the medications had on her students with attention concerns, nut she didn't like the way some teachers and parents felt as if it was the perfect panacea. Drug the kid and move on. Students [with ADHD] needed to learn strategies that helped them focus, tips to be more organised. The medicine just slowed down their brains long enough for their teachers to help give them those skills." (One Breath Away, Heather Gudenkauf)

In this case, the medication brings you up enough to learn strategies for coping with the depression, but it isn't the panacea.

[Seshat]

Fireheart:

That passage is ABSOLUTELY accurate. It's also accurate about kids with high functioning autism spectrum "disorders". And I put disorders in quotes, because I'm HAPPY being who and what I am, I just have to tweak my behaviours around the muggles.

Medication puts us neurologically-atypical people into a place where we can learn and use coping strategies. And yes, I may be happy as I am, but if I want to interact with the rest of the world, I need to accept that outside my front fence, the world is the way it is, and it's me who has to adapt.

* Yes, 'reasonable accomodation' laws and mores exist; and I agree with the concept. But the entire human world simply cannot change to suit my disability without becoming unsuitable for certain other disabilities, and some of what I need for my personal preferences and comfort would be 'unreasonable'.