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One I forgot....
  #21  
Old 07-24-2006, 05:11 AM
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Default One I forgot....

70. I probably should not, upon leaving work within view of customers, pump my fists in the air triumphantly and shout "FREEDOM!"

I probably shouldn't....but I quite often DO!
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  #22  
Old 08-02-2006, 02:56 PM
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-When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.

-Nor may I offer to push the button for her after she climbs in.

-If I am dealing with two angry phone customers I am not allowed to patch them both into a three way call and listen while they abuse each other:
"I called you!"

"No, I called you. Moron!"

"Jerk!"
-Even if the boss finds the idea just as funny as I do.
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  #23  
Old 08-03-2006, 09:12 PM
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Quote:
Quoth Dips
-When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.
LMAO . . .I need no ideas.

Let me add this little ditty . . .

No playing Superman with the floor machine while high on Benadryl (I actually witnessed this being done by a store manager of all people.)
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  #24  
Old 08-22-2006, 10:05 PM
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1.) If asked by an applicant if it matters that they are charged with something, but not convicted; I am not allowed to laugh.
2.) -I am not allowed to tell everyone about it either.
3.) While the applicant is still at the computer.
4.) Free samples are for the customers.
5.) If I have to ask for something with the words "Uh, could I talk with you a second?" I'm not getting it.
6.) Saran wrap on the toilets is not funny.
7.) Nor is a stink bomb just under the rim.
8.) When called on the in house phone, do not ask the customer to hold on while I flush.
9.) Do not randomly lock the unisex bathroom.
10.) With myself inside.
11.) Telling a customer that herbicide only kills the bad plants because it is smart, is wrong.
12.) So is convincing them to buy a bottle of it to spray over their new seed to prevent weeds from coming up.
13.) Electric fork lifts are not called "Star Wars."
14.) It is not okay to stage the Trench scene from Star Wars in the back ailse. I don't care how cool it is.
15.) If it does not fit in the fridge, do not force it.
16.) Do not tell others what color your hair is, and then prove it. (not talking head).
17.) Making out in the parkinglot is a no no.
18.) Screaming like you're being killed when working outside the compactor and you hear it cycle, is not funny and will get you terminated.
19.) Do not put coke cans in the microwave.
20.) Same goes for light bulbs. I don't care how neat it looks.
21.) Do not put microwave pop corn in the microwave and then wander off.
22.) If I smell smoke, the proper thing to do is not scream. "Man the life boats!"
23.) Fire is bad.
24.) Laughing when management forgets to close the paint door on the shaker, will have me mopping it up.
25.) Do not refer to customer color choices as "Puke Green."
26.) "Bloody Tampon Red."
27.) "Heroin Addict White."
28.) Do not grind up the plaster board and try to convince new guys it's coke.
29.) No asking for a cup of thinner in a styrafoam cup.
30.) When asked where receiving is, I am not allowed to take it myself.
31.) Returns should not be met with a laugh after the customer explains the problem.
32.) A ball peen hammer never solves anything.
33.) Customer service has NOT been outsourced to India.
34.) Don't look at me that way.
35.) If you can't ask for it with a straight face, you don't need it.
36.) Do not puke in the parkinglot when sick. Call in first.
37.) Do not drop frogs through the cash office slot. Just to hear the girl inside scream.
38.) I don't care how funny it is. Don't do it.
39.) If you have to ask for clarification, you weren't paying attention.
40.) You can not get workers comp for a paper cut.
41.) Nor emotional trauma.
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  #25  
Old 08-23-2006, 10:10 PM
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Things I was not allowed to do in the research lab:

1. No answering the phone, "Epstein-Barr and grill. How may I help you?"

2. While on the street moving between buildings, no flapping my lab coat like wings and cackling evilly when the tourist trolleys go by.

3. Even if it will make really good picture for their slide shows.

4. LB amp plates are fine. LB amp cockroach plates are not.

5. Even if the cockroach was dead when found and the autoclave sterilized it; this in no way justifies freaking out the boss.

6. Labelling a bottle "not necessarily distilled water" to give a co-worker pause about stealing my distilled water is a violation of OSHA regulations.

7. As well as the Boston Fire code.

8. So is putting a biohazard warning sticker on it.

9. Speaking of OSHA, pointing out to the hospital safety rep. that following his directions to move the bottle of acid from the floor to a shelf will give it more potential energy is not appreciated.

10. Dry ice is not a toy.

11. Nor is liquid nitrogen.

12. Even if it creates a really cool-looking fog effect.

13. Fire VERY bad.
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  #26  
Old 08-27-2006, 04:36 AM
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1) Always be sure to check that the ash trays are cool before dumping them into the garbage can.

2) When demonstrating your ability to think of cross-merchandise display items to your grocery manager, don't suggest building a display including peanut butter, Reddi-Wip, and condoms.

3) Don't use the fact that you make the bathroom smell so bad nobody will want to enter it as an excuse to take a nap in there.

4) Failure to bring my famous cobbler to the store picnic will result in termination, carried out personally by the DM or the president of the company, both who have become addicted.

5) Must not laugh and tell all co-workers when the diabetic DM informs me that his wife was in a panic when he tested his sugar after eating my cobbler.

6) Must not refer to the president of the company as "the Dark Lord Wilki-mort"

7) Must not flirt with the chip vendors

8) Especially when the chip vendor in question is the girlfriend of one of the beer vendors.

9) Must not shrink-wrap and window chalk a co-worker's vehicle.

10) Must not eat a stick of butter

11) Even for $10

12) Especially when the person offering the $10 is probably not going to give it to you.

13) The samples are for customers

14) Even if you bring a good chunk of money to that department buying their products every week

15) Even though they made a point of saying in our customer service classes that employees are customers too, and in fact our best customers, and are still customers even when on the clock and should always be treated as such

16) Not allowed to make fun of the free donuts recorded announcement over the PA (part of our anniversary celebration)

17) Even if the "mmmmm.... enjoy!" does sound a little... um... questionable in intent

18) The pallet jacks are not scooters

19) Not allowed to put water bottles in the lift part of the scisor lift and drop it to make a water cannon

20) Probably a bad idea to make the new guy catch full cases of butter dropped from the third rack
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  #27  
Old 08-28-2006, 06:06 AM
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OK, I just spent a week in Williston, North Dakota helping them setup their new store. I didn't have internet access for a whole week. Anyway, here are some of mine I got from there.

When reading the "Rule board" and seeing that cursing is not allowed, the proper response is not, "Aw f*ck."

Not allowed to use company computers to surf the internet, even if I am on break.

Must not build stuff with the "All Purpose" Flour.

"Zone defence" does not involve hiding behind shelves and shooting co-workers with a Nerf gun.

When asked, after looking at the backroom of the old store, "What do you want to do first", the proper responce is not, "Call OSHA"

Ditto for "Call the Fire Marshall."

Do not replace the electricians colored markers with crayons.

Even if the electrician thinks it's funny.

Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)

Not allowed to nap in the server room during break. (It's nice and toasty in there.)

Do not put bubble wrap in the bailer.

Even if it, "Makes a cool sound."


I'll have to remember more of them later. I had a great time there.
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  #28  
Old 08-28-2006, 05:18 PM
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Quote:
Quoth Crosshair View Post
Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)
When I read these, I giggled until I cried.
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  #29  
Old 09-05-2006, 05:04 PM
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A post I made for another topic reminded me of this one...

I cannot wander around my place of employment holding up a cup and saying "Alms for the poor" to my coworkers.
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  #30  
Old 09-09-2006, 03:23 AM
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In general:

1) God forbid the words "You might be a redneck if" or "Here's your sign" ever leave my mouth while on the clock.

2) No matter how much the recipient deserves it.

As a giftwrapper:

1) I may not hoard customers' items in the back room and pretend I am a fire-breathing dragon from the days of yore.

2) Pretending to be a robot is also out of the question.

3) Covering myself with wrapping paper and claiming to be practicing to go out as a present next Halloween is a bad idea.

4) It's also a waste of good wrapping paper.

5) When I have to wrap a panini press (or other deceptively heavy object), I should not exaggerate the effort of lifting the box, nor ask if the guys put bricks in the box as a joke again.

6) When the guy who looks like an out-of-uniform Santa Claus comes, I am not allowed to ask him if I can have a boyfriend for Christmas.

As a bakery worker/bagger:

1) While answering a request that would break the store rules with "No, sir/ma'am," or "I'm afraid I can't do that, sir/ma'am," is acceptable, continuing with a conspiratorial whisper of anything along the lines of "Big Brother is watching," followed by a nod at the security cameras, probably isn't.

2) A question regarding the location of a product is not to be answered with "In here, somewhere."

3) A customer's purchases are not to be referred to as 'junk' or 'garbage'.

4) Even if they are.

5) When asked if bread can be sliced in a thickness other than the two choices available/if the bread slicers can have the slice width adjusted, "That's what knives were invented for" is not an appropriate reply.

6) If a customer comments that he/she/it has no idea where all his/her/its food is going every week (or so), I am not, under any circumstances, to tell them to look in a mirror and turn sideways.

7) Or is that 'turn sideways and look in a mirror'?

At the cookie place:

1) I should not, on receiving an order for "(insert number here) chocolate chip(s)," place that many individual chocolate chips into a bag, then charge the person who made the order full price.

2) The same goes for "(insert number here) M&M(s)," "(insert number here) sprinkle(s)" and "(insert number here) macadamia(s)".

3) The customers probably already know that I am not an effing telepath. Informing them of this fact will not change anything.

4) Even if it will make me feel better.

5) Similarly, there will always be customers who apparently can't read, and therefore call macadamia nuts "macadamians".

6) If a customer tells me to give him/her/it 'whatever,' I should not take a card, write "Whatever" on it, and sell it to him/her/it for twenty bucks.

7) It should probably be closer to thirty bucks, anyway.

8) As much as I wish otherwise, there is no such thing as an idiot tax. Just because some customers might believe me when I say there is, doesn't mean I should charge it to them.

As a reading tutor:

1) If ever I am asked by a student why they have to learn this, "Because civilization as you know it will collapse if you don't," is the wrong answer.

2) It only encourages them to rebel more, anyway.
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