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  • It is finally, finally over.

    Holidays suck at my work; but as soon as the new year hits, it dies down immediately. It is absolutely psycho from the 2nd week of November until New Year's morning. Everybody wants to talk to friends/family so everyone is trying to put money on their phone at the same time, and many of the employees do all sorts of nefarious things to get out of working around the holidays because, well they want to spend time with friends and family too. So we're short handed on top of it. I have not had a chance to post anything lately we've been so busy, so, my lucky readers, I have a whole passel of tales built up to regale you with. We shall start first with one of my coworkers pathetic attempts to nefariously get out of work, which by the way, DID get her out of work---permanently.

    The tale of Chica

    Chica has not been working for us very long. She works the morning shift, so I see her in the morning for a short while. Her stats must be miserable because she never seems to be on the phone; she's always flitting around the room flirting with guys and gossiping with other girls and such. She constantly requests time off to go do this and that, and our scheduler is very cool and will try to accomodate you but it is simply not always possible.

    Chica wanted time off for Thanksgiving, but she didn't ask for it until the second week of November. Of course she ain't gonna get 3 days off in a row. So she devised a plan so devious, so brilliant, so nefarious that we had to bow in awe over her sheer strategic ability. Except for one small thing.

    Chica called her friend at work one morning. (while it's slammed, calls backed up in the queue, 20 minute hold times, etc.) She did not call from the breakroom phone, oh no, she couldn't be bothered to get up and walk al the way through the building to the break room. No, not Chica. She called from her phone at her cubicle, and proceeded to have a long conversation with her friend about what she needed to do to get out of work. The plan they hatched was thus: her friend would call the command center, and explain that she was Chica's kid's daycare provider, and as she was going to be gone for the entire week of Thanksgiving, Chica had no daycare for her precious. Chica had to have those days off. So Chica and friend then gloat over the brilliance of their little plan, and Chica's friend goes off to call the command center.

    Command center girl gets the call. Chica's friend gives the whole big sob story to her, but one of the QA's goes up to the command center and asks if that's Chica's babysitter on the line. She wants to talk to Chica's babysitter. She speaks to babysitter and tells her 'Oh, don't you worry, Chica will have those days off, I assure you.'

    She then goes and gets Chica, takes Chica into a private room, and plays back the entire conversation between Chica and friend. Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen, the QA just happened to plug into Chica's phone to randomly monitor some calls while Chica and friend were hatching their nefarious plan. Chica was spectacularly fired and escorted from the building, sobbing.

    Moral of the story: if you're going to lie to your place of employment, don't plot it out in detail on the company phone.







    Okay now for some juicy customer stories!


    Failed Jedi Mind Trick

    Had to do a conference call on an order. That's when we call the bank, and do a 3-way call with the bank rep verifying the person placing the order for their credit card. The bank rep asks them some security questions like mother's maiden name, etc. This type of verification is reserved for especially suspicious calls. SC cannot answer any of the bank rep's questions correctly, so she fails the call.

    Bank rep: I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I have not been able to successfully verify this customer.
    Me: Ok, well thank you for your time, You may disconnect the call now.
    Bank rep: Okay, thank you for calling Thingamajig bank. *click*
    Me: Mrs. Smith, I'm sorry, I will not be able to process this order today for you. You will want to go to a Bugaboo store to add minutes to the phone.
    SC: So when will those minutes be available?
    Me: I am cancelling this order Ma'am, those minutes will not be put on your phone.
    SC: Okay, how many minutes does that give me now?
    Me: Wha? This order is not going through, Ma'am. I am not putting any minutes on your phone.
    SC: $50 gives me like 500 minutes, right?
    Me: Yes Ma'am, 500 minutes costs $50. But I am not putting any money on your phone today.
    SC: So when will those minutes be on my phone?
    Me: I am not putting these minutes on your phone Ma'am.
    SC: What? Why not? I paid for them!
    Me: Because you did not pass our verification. You will not be charged for this order, I am cancelling it.
    SC: But...but I paid for those minutes! You have to give them to me!
    Me: No, Ma'am, you did not pay for those minutes. I have cancelled your order, you will not be charged.
    SC: So...so...how many minutes does that give me now?
    Me: You currently have about 10 minutes left on your phone.
    SC: What? But I just bought $50 dollars worth of minutes!
    Me: No Ma'am you did not. I CANCELLED YOUR ORDER.
    SC: I don't understand.
    Me: Obviously. You did not pass the verification with the bank representative, so I cannot process this order for you. I have cancelled it.
    SC: But I did too pass it! You heard her!
    Me: What is this chick's problem? Yes, Ma'am, I heard her perfectly. She told both me and you that you could not answer her questions correctly. Therefore, you were not successfully verified.
    SC: ....
    Me: ....
    SC: .... so when will I get those minutes?
    Me: I'm going to break this lady's face soon. You will not be getting those minutes, ma'am. I have cancelled the order. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
    SC: Yes! You can put the minutes I bought on my phone!
    Me: You did not buy any minutes Ma'am. We are refusing you service. Thank you for calling Bugaboo cell phones and have a nice day.
    SC: But when will the minutes be on my phone?
    Me: I am disconnecting this call now, Ma'am. Have a nice day. *click*


    Your little mind tricks have no effect on me, puny mortal! I am *PHONEGODDESS*, defender of CSR's! Protector of bank accounts! Tormentor of entitlement whores! Bwahahahahaha! *cough, cough, hack, choke* Sorry, forgot myself for a moment there.



    This guy didn't know I speak Spanish.


    SC: Why are doing this to me? Am I not good enough for you? Because my last name is Gomez, I am not good enough for you? Why are you treating me like this? How can you do this to me?
    Me: I am not doing anything to you, sir, and it has nothing to do with your last name. The fact is that you have placed orders repeatedly for the last two weeks with this account, and every time you either hang up during the verification or we are not able to reach you at the contact phone number you leave us. We are not processing any orders until we can verify that this is a valid checking account number.
    SC: ¡No me jodas! ¡Que coño te pasa, puta!
    Me: ¿qué usted me llamó?
    SC: Meep!
    Me: *sigh* He cancelado su pedido, señor.
    SC: *click*

    Translation:
    SC: Don't f^$* me around! What the hell is your problem, b#^$h!
    Me: What did you call me?
    SC: Uh oh, she understands me!
    Me: *sigh* I have cancelled your order, sir.
    SC: *click*

    Dude, don't cuss at someone in another language unless you're damn sure they won't understand. I used to live with a guy who grew up in a Mexico City barrio, I can say things in Spanish that would burn your whiny little ears off.


    Can't do simple math, can you?

    SC: You have to give me my money back! I didn't authorize her to make this charge!
    Me: I'm sorry Ma'am, but we have a strict no refund policy. You need to get the money from your daughter.
    SC: She doesn't have any money! She's 11 years old! You have my money and I want it back right now!
    Me: I am sorry Ma'am, but we cannot refund these charges for you.
    SC: Well then I will just have to dispute these charges with the bank! They will get my money back for me!
    Me: That's your choice, Ma'am. Be aware that if you dispute the charges we will shut this account down and you won't be able to use the phone anymore.
    SC: I'M not the one using the phone, she is!
    Me: Well then, she won't be able to use the phone anymore.
    SC: Oh, that's fine. I'll just go and buy a new phone for her to use! With a different company! One that will keep her from using my credit card!
    Me: You're going to get a $25 refund from the bank, and then go spend a hundred or so dollars on a new phone? Why?
    SC: Because! Because---
    Me: ...yes?
    SC: ... *click*

    You haven't thought your little plan through very well, have you? I was sooo expecting to hear the words 'It's the principle of the thing' to come out of your mouth. I assumed you'd have at least that much intelligence; alas, I over-estimated you. It is a mistake I shall not make again.



    I work for thieves.

    SC: Yeah, I got these charges on my credit card bill and I have no idea what the hell they are.
    Me: Okay, do you own a long distance calling card?
    SC: NO! How the hell did these charges get here!
    Me: Someone would have probably called in and placed an order with it.
    SC: Well why the hell didn't you stop them!
    Me: It looks like they placed these orders over the automated system. They gave your name and address, and that matches the card, so our phone system processed the orders.
    SC: Well this is just BULLSHIT! I want these taken off RIGHT NOW, ya hear!
    Me: What you need to do is start an investigation and dispute the charges. Either we or the bank can do an investigation, it's up to you. The bank is usually faster; our investigations team can take up to thirty days to finish an investigation. But we'd be happy to do it for you if you want us to.
    SC: I want both of you all to do it!
    Me: I'm sorry sir, the bank prefers either one or the other. Otherwise we just get in each other's way. It's a lot faster and easier for everyone if it's just one or the other. The end result is still the same, though.
    SC: Goddammit what is your problem?! I don't have time for this!
    Me: Okay, would you prefer to have us or the bank investigate it for you?
    SC: I want it done as fast as possible so I can get these off my account!
    Me: Then you will want the bank to do it, sir. I suggest you call them and let them know about these unauthorized charges as soon as possible.
    SC: DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO! Now fix it for me right now!
    Me: Well, as I said, sir, I cannot simply refund the charges, we need to do a dispute for you. I can get that started for you if---
    SC: YOU ARE BEING TOTALLY UNHELPFUL! Just give me my damn money back so I don't have to talk to you idiots anymore!
    Me: I am not able to refund it for you, sir. Now who would you like to have investigate it for you?
    SC: I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO 'INVESTIGATE' IT FOR ME! I JUST WANT MY DAMN MONEY BACK! I WANT YOU PEOPLE OUT OF BUSINESS! DO YA HEAR ME?!
    Me: Do not scream at me, sir. I *will* hang up on you.
    SC: I'LL TALK TO YOU ANY WAY I WANT TO! YOU PEOPLE HAVE TAKEN MY MONEY AND YOU WON'T GIVE IT BACK! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME!
    Me: I suggest you call your bank sir. I am disconnecting this call now.
    SC: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU STUPID LITTLE B#$$%, HANG UP ON THE CUSTOMER! YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB AND YOU WORK FOR THIEVES! YOU---
    Me: *click*

    Your refusal to answer one simple question that will allow me to assist you is keeping me from doing my job. I do my job very well, as my QA scores will attest. You, however, suck at being a decent human being. That is an affliction that will keep you from getting the service you should, as I will not put up with your verbal abuse. Therefore, being hung up on is not my fault, it is yours.

    Q. E. DUH.


    This guy thinks he's a psychoanalyst or something.

    Me: I'm sorry, sir, I cannot process an order for you today. I have cancelled order number 12345678.
    SC: You sound like you're not having a good time at work. It doesn't feel good to ruin people's days, does it?
    Me: I am doing my job to the best of my ability, sir, which is protecting people's financial information. I have no problem with that.
    SC: Why do you have to treat people like this? Do you enjoy doing this to people? Because of you I will not get to speak to my children today. How does that make you feel?
    Me: Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?
    SC: My children will cry today because of you. And when I do finally get to speak to them, I will tell them how it is your fault and they will curse you. They will pray for God to strike you down! How does that make you feel?
    Me: You do not need to speak to me like that sir. I am---
    SC: You're refusing to answer my questions. Just as I thought! You feel bad about this but you cannot say it! Perhaps you should quit your job if it bothers you so much.
    Me: (laughing) Sir, doing my job does not bother me at all. If there is nothing else I can do for you, I am going to disconnect this call now, as I have other calls to answer.
    SC: Why are you laughing? Are you embarrassed about treating me so badly?
    Me: *sigh* Have a nice day, sir. *click*

    Oh Noes!!! I am going to have nightmares now about being cursed roundly to God by small children! They will pray that I have to eat broccoli for the rest of my life! They will curse me to an eternity of nightmares about going to bed early with no TV!*sob* What did I do to deserve this?!



    Bzzzzt! You have failed! Thanks for playing, and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!


    Me: Ma'am, I am showing that you have failed verification on this credit card three times. We are not calling the bank again. You need to find some other form of payment.
    SC: Well why not? It's my card! Just because the bank has my mother's maiden name wrong, I can't use my card?!
    Me: Ma'am, according to these notes, the bank apparently has your mothers' maiden name wrong, your date of birth wrong, your social security number wrong, and the name of the other person on the account wrong. If your bank has screwed up that much information, I suggest you find another bank.
    SC: Well that's because I lied about all of it! I didn't want you people to have my information!
    Me: Whatever you say, Ma'am.
    SC: You'll get yours, you $%^ $^&^&! I won't stand for this! You call my bank right this instant, lady!
    Me: I will NOT call your bank, and I WILL disconnect if you cuss at me again, ma'am!
    SC: I AM THROWING THIS PHONE IN THE SEWER! THAT'S WHAT I THINK OF YOU, YOU BIMBO! *click*

    NOT THE SEWER! It will spawn big albino man eating cell phones down there! they'll crawl up through our pipes and EAT US ALLLL!!!!!!!
    Because as we all know, on the Internet all men are men, all women are men and all children are FBI agents.

  • #2
    Some of us have enough Spanish from Sesame Street to understand things like, "Let them call the landlord on me. I won't even be here."

    (This was regarding someone at my old apartment who used to play her music real loud; one day she turned it way up and I then saw her getting into a friend's car and telling her friend something like the above only in Spanish. The landlord said he could not enter her apartment just to turn the music off. The funny part is, she also left her kitchen sink on full blast, and flooded the people below, so the LL had to go in after all and he did turn off the radio.)

    I apologize that this is not about a customer, but a (former) neighbor. However, if you look at it one way, she WAS the LL's customer.
    I was not hired to respond to those voices.

    Comment


    • #3
      Did you obligingly roll over and die, twitching your limbs in agony, and screaming, "IT WAS GOD! GOD STRUCK ME DOWN FOR MY INSOLENCE!?"
      My basic dog food advice - send a pm if you need more.

      Saydrah's leaving the nest advice + packing list live here.

      Comment


      • #4
        Maybe that guy was an analyst and a therapist.

        An analrapist.

        Get the reference, win a BRAND NEW *unintelligible*
        "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Gawdzillers View Post
          Maybe that guy was an analyst and a therapist.

          An analrapist.

          Get the reference, win a BRAND NEW *unintelligible*
          That reminds me of a friend who used to be pretty screwed up (he's fine now though). His parents didn't speak English very well and one day sent him to school with a note saying he had to leave at lunchtime "to see a rapist"

          Comment


          • #6
            Chica'a friend was not employed with us. Chica called her at home.
            Because as we all know, on the Internet all men are men, all women are men and all children are FBI agents.

            Comment


            • #7
              TPG, I just have to say, you rock!
              "I can tell her you're all tied up in the projection room." Sunset Boulevard.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Gawdzillers View Post
                Maybe that guy was an analyst and a therapist.

                An analrapist.

                Get the reference, win a BRAND NEW *unintelligible*
                Doesn't someone have an avatar saying, "Tobias Funke, M.D. - Analrapist" here?

                I miss Arrested Development...*sigh*
                "Well, ergo cogitum daltitum e pluribus shut your piehole." -Mike Rowe

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth ThePhoneGoddess View Post
                  Translation:
                  SC: Don't f^$* me around! What the hell is your problem, b#^$h!
                  Me: What did you call me?
                  SC: Uh oh, she understands me!
                  Me: *sigh* I have cancelled your order, sir.
                  SC: *click*

                  Dude, don't cuss at someone in another language unless you're damn sure they won't understand. I used to live with a guy who grew up in a Mexico City barrio, I can say things in Spanish that would burn your whiny little ears off.

                  You are seriously my hero for this.
                  I'm sure hundreds of things have been said about me in other languages by customers that I was unable to catch them on since I only speak English, yet I've always wanted to nab someone in the process.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Gawdzillers View Post
                    Maybe that guy was an analyst and a therapist.

                    An analrapist.

                    Get the reference, win a BRAND NEW *unintelligible*

                    Is that one of the Sean Connery Celebrity Jeopardy quotes from Saturday Night Live?

                    Therapist= The Rapist

                    Album Cover=Anal Bum Cover

                    Priceless!!!
                    I don't have an anger problem! I have an idiot problem!-Hank Hill

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The Chica smackdown was nothing short of awesome!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Owned!

                        Quoth ThePhoneGoddess View Post

                        She then goes and gets Chica, takes Chica into a private room, and plays back the entire conversation between Chica and friend. Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen, the QA just happened to plug into Chica's phone to randomly monitor some calls while Chica and friend were hatching their nefarious plan. Chica was spectacularly fired and escorted from the building, sobbing.

                        Moral of the story: if you're going to lie to your place of employment, don't plot it out in detail on the company phone.


                        Translation:
                        SC: Don't f^$* me around! What the hell is your problem, b#^$h!
                        Me: What did you call me?
                        SC: Uh oh, she understands me!
                        Me: *sigh* I have cancelled your order, sir.
                        SC: *click*

                        I have two words to describe those events : MAJOR PWNAGE!!!!!! Although I do have to say that Chica and her friend had a good plan, but it was POORLY executed (who the hell in their right minds calls out on company phones?!!). PhoneGoddess, you rock!! I would love to own a SC like you did (I speak some Dutch and Spanish btw) !!!!
                        Last edited by tropicsgoddess; 01-03-2008, 11:37 PM.
                        I don't get paid enough to kiss your a**! -Groezig 5/31/08
                        Another day...another million braincells lost...-Sarlon 6/16/08
                        Chivalry is not dead. It's just direly underappreciated. -Samaliel 9/15/09

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          You always know it'll be good when a story starts with "He didn't know I speak Spanish..."!

                          I don't go in for ancient wisdom
                          I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
                          It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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