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Peepul Izz Stoopid
Old 02-11-2019, 06:23 AM
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Jester Jester is offline
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Default Peepul Izz Stoopid

The bar is packed, the band is wailing, and this guy comes up to me.

GUY: “Can you tell me what time Caffeine Carl plays?”
I look at the guy, I look at the band cranking it on stage, and I look back at the guy.
ME: “Um....he’s playing right now. That’s him on stage.”
He look at the stage in bewilderment, thanks me, and goes on his way, presumably to schedule a vasectomy and end his genetic line forevermore.
Clearly a big fan of the greatest guitarist in Key West.


WOMAN: “May I have a Moscow Mule?”
ME: “Sure! Any particular vodka?”
WOMAN: “Vodka? No, that comes with rum.”
ME: “Ma’am? Moscow Mules are made with vodka.”
WOMAN: “I’m sure they’re made with rum.”
MORGAN FREEMAN’S VOICE: “But she was wrong. Moscow Mules are, in fact, made with vodka.”
ME: “Um, no ma’am, they’re made with vodka. Might you be thinking of a different drink?”
WOMAN: “...Oh, I’m thinking of a Dark and Stormy.”
MORGAN FREEMAN’S VOICE: “Yes, a Dark and Stormy IS made with rum.”
ME: “Yes, a Dark and Stormy IS made with rum.”


WOULD BE COMEDIAN: (notices my wrist brace) “Why are you wearing your bowling glove?”
ME: (having not at all heard the same joke repeatedly for the last month plus, since I sprained my wrist) “Duuhh! It’s bowling night!


I was recently promoted to manager, among other events, and on the first day this was official, I had this conversation with my kickass boss...
ME: “For my first official act as manager, I’m firing myself.”
KAB: “I’m overruling that.”
ME: “Damn it!”


A bar I recently left had new management, and had made some unpopular choices, including raising the prices. One of the regulars walked in one night, and as he was flying to some other regulars, I approached.
ME: “Hey, Ron! A Black and Tan?”
RON: “Nah, I cant afford those anymore. What’s the cheapest thing in here?”
ME: “You.”

(I had waited literally years for someone to ask me that very question.)


Last night, after a very busy 10 hour shift, I was finishing up. One of my coworkers saw that I was just about done with my paperwork...
CW: “So, ready for a drink?”
ME: “*A* drink? Oh, that’s funny. *A* drink? Hell no? I’m ready for MANY drinks!”


Late December, still holiday time. I’m sitting at one of my regular haunts, and am wearing a ridiculous Christmas hat, one that has a springy/boingy top to it, such as denizens of a Dr. Seuss story might wear. With me is Little Red. Tending bar is TweedleDee. Sitting at the bar with me and Little Red are TweedleDee’s identical twin brother, TweedleMee, TweedleMee’s girlfriend, Lonnie, who also works at the bar, and TweedleDee’s girlfriend, who ALSO works at the bar, Valurie. At various times, TweedleDee may have given Valurie a peck of a kiss here or there. Nothing obnoxious, nothing unprofessional.

Sitting to the other side of me from all my friends are two tourists, Bitter Bill and his wife, Caustic Cathy. They are clearly two miserable people.

After bitching about everything and anything (and being ignored by all of us sitting at the bar not working), Bitter Bill starts complaining about the bartender, TweedleDee, and now he’s “making out with random girls rather than working.” Apparently his girlfriend is “random girls,” plural. Lonnie, a complete sweetheart, sees that TweedleDee is about to say something unpleasant, and tries to smooth things over by saying something to the effect of “It’s all cool, everyone be chill.” To which Bitter Bill says to her, “Don’t be a cunt.”

At which point, TweedleMee, myself, and Little Red all stood up, ready to kick this guy’s ass. TweedleDee was ready to go as well. The Tweedle Twins both stand over 6’3”. Little Red is only 4’11” and a woman. So naturally this brave man focused on my 5’8” self, and my silly hat.

BITTER BILL: “Sit down, Elf.”
ME: “Go suck a candy cane!”

And it might have gotten ugly had the manager, Michigan Mike, not intervened at that point. Mike stands just a bit taller than me, and is definitely broader than me, but not a really intimidating physical presence. At least Bitter Bill thought so. This would be his undoing.

Mike managed to calm TweedleDee down, and walked the couple out front, along with Big Rosco, a rather large member of the staff. Mike basically told the couple that he’d pick up their bill, but they needed to leave. Bitter Bill, naturally, told Mike that he’d pay his own damn bill, not realizing that things were already past that point. And then, sizing Mike up as not that big a threat, Bitter Bill put his hands to Mike’s chest and shoved him. Dumb move.

Mike immediately grabbed the guy and pushed him down to the ground. Hard. Bitter Bill looked up, realizing he had seriously underestimated Mike. Then Mike, who had tried to be nice this whole time, turned to Big Rosco and said, “I’m down with this asshole, Rosco. He’s all yours.” Seeing Big Rosco looming over him, Bitter Bill found his feet and hightailed it out of there, with Caustic Cathy close behind.

And the staff is still laughing about “Go suck a candy cane!”

Happy New Year, CS!

"The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
Still A Customer."

Last edited by Jester; 02-12-2019 at 04:23 AM.

Old 02-11-2019, 01:30 PM
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Ghel Ghel is offline
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Minnesota, US
Posts: 1,420

New Year must be the Lunar New Year, hmm?

j/k - glad to see you're still here to regale us with tales of the suckiness.
“We are the superhero. None of us, individually, but all of us together.”
― Hank Green

Old 02-11-2019, 05:36 PM
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Nunavut Pants Nunavut Pants is offline
Warning: He thinks he's funny.
Join Date: Nov 2015
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Yaaaaay, a Jester post!!!
“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

Old 02-11-2019, 05:41 PM
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Ironclad Alibi Ironclad Alibi is offline
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Location: Inside The Beltway.
Posts: 4,913

Bitter Bill reminded me that was the name of a character in the early Beetle Bailey comic strip, when he was in college and before joining the army.

And welcome back to the forum.
"I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

Old 02-11-2019, 07:29 PM
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Monterey Jack Monterey Jack is offline
Area Manager
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,459

"I haven't read the comics since I realized that Beetle Bailey wasn't going to shoot anyone!" [cookies for ref]

Old 02-11-2019, 08:49 PM
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Jay 2K Winger Jay 2K Winger is offline
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Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 5,475

A post from the High Priest of Grog-Boozith (From Whom All Nectar Flows) is a mixed blessing.

While we all derive much amusement from his tales, it usually means that someone has managed to annoy/anger/aggravate the Jester enough that he must commit it to record, and thus have to remember these numpties.

Ah well. Jester gets to carry on being his awesome self, and the numpties get laughed at and mocked in perpetuity, so that's a net positive.
PWNADE(TM) - Serve up a glass today! | PWNZER - An act of pwnage so awesome, it's like the victim got hit by a tank.

There are only four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because I choose to walk!

Old 02-11-2019, 09:51 PM
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Jester Jester is offline
High Priest to Grog-Boozith
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: 24° 33' 19" N / 81° 46' 58" W. This is Paradise.
Posts: 6,184

Anger? Almost never, other than Bitter Bill.

Aggravate? Part of the job.

Annoy? The most common of my reactions of the three listed, sure, but more often than not, it’s amusement at the idiocy.

"The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
Still A Customer."

Old 02-11-2019, 10:55 PM
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MadMike MadMike is offline
Heavy Metal Admin
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Enola, PA
Posts: 5,009

Holy shit, Jester's back!
Sometimes life is altered.
Break from the ropes your hands are tied.
Uneasy with confrontation.
Won't turn out right. Can't turn out right

Old 02-12-2019, 01:05 AM
Android Kaeli Android Kaeli is offline
Just Peachy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere
Posts: 1,162

I read this earlier, couldn't comment because I was headed off to work. But hell, people are stupid and more stupid when they don't know their drinks.
Eh, one day I'll have something useful here. Until then, have a cookie or two.

Old 02-12-2019, 01:38 AM
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MoonCat MoonCat is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Eastern US.
Posts: 7,788

Dude, we missed you!

Also hilarious stories of idiocy, yay!
When you start at zero, everything's progress.
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