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  • I know I probably can't, but how can I...

    ...help a chum see her chap is a bastard?

    For the past 3 weeks he's been making her life hell by suggesting their multi-year relationship might be over soon, or it might not. She's deeply in love with him and is pretty much blind to his faults.

    Not only has he been mentally torturing her, he's admitted to having an affair.

    The effect on my chum is so much that her MH is in significant decline. She's starting DSH again, her anxiety/depression is back with a vengeance and she's spending much of her time in tears.

    I know there's probably no way of showing her how much of a dick he is, and at the moment I'm making sure she's got someone she can talk to as well as making sure she eats every now and again but other than that I'm stumped.
    A PSA, if I may, as well as another.

  • #2
    I think that is about all you can do, other than be there for when the jackass does finally dump her.
    Last edited by EricKei; 10-02-2014, 03:29 PM. Reason: removed material advocating violence/harm to another
    EVE Online: 99% of the time you sit around waiting for something to happen, but that 1% of action is what hooks people like crack, you don't get interviewed by the BBC for a WoW raid.

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    • #3
      'The play's the thing...' ?

      Gaslight, Notorious, Of human bondage, In the company of men,

      I can't think of any others just at the moment, but I'm sure others could suggest if you think it would help. Sometimes recognizing a problem in someone else (even in someone fictional) can make you see it in yourself. If your friend likes movies or books it may be a start.
      Pain and suffering are inevitable...misery is optional.

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      • #4
        I would just ask her this one question: "Knowing everything you know about his behavior, are you happy being with him?"

        Then let her know you care about her and you're there to listen (if you truly want to). Then step out of the way, because you can't change anyone else's behavior. She needs to make her own decision.
        When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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        • #5
          It's an age-old conundrum for everyone who's supportive of their friends, crazylegs. In this case, it seems glaringly obvious, but you know how people are.

          I'd probably tackle it from the other end, like MoonCat - don't highlight his failings (She probably sees those already, especially if she's crying about it.), look into why she isn't punting him already. Fear of being alone? Doesn't want to "waste" the time already invested in the relationship? Dependency issues? Do what you can to minimize the risks of her ditching him is about all you can do in these circumstances.

          Good luck, and thanks for being such a supportive friend to someone; it makes the world a better place.
          Last edited by sms001; 10-03-2014, 08:47 AM.

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          • #6
            If she isn't responding to what he's already doing? She's blinkered.

            I agree with Mooncat and sms001 about getting her to thing about what she wants rather than what he's doing.

            Other than that? Be there to pick up the pieces...
            I am so SO glad I was not present for this. There would have been an unpleasant duct tape incident. - Joi

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            • #7
              You couldn't possibly show her how much of a dick he is any more than he is already showing her himself. Thing is, he hints that the relationship may be over suggest strongly to me that that is his basic plan, to end it. And I hope he does just that, because he'd be doing her a huge favor, as that is what happened with a friend of mine.

              She recently got out of a long term relationship when her dick left town. He claimed it was to take care of some legal stuff back home, and that he'd be back, but she started seeing the writing on the wall when she realized he'd taken ALL of his possessions, including his favorite lamp. After all, if you're coming back, you don't take a lamp.

              As time went on, she found out more and more about what a dick he truly was, and she is now thankful to have him out of her life, and is dating extensively. Which I'm fine with, as she deserves better than that dickhead.

              He already has gotten a girl pregnant back home, by the way. And she texted my friend at one point. It started out as an angry "Why are you texting my man?" kinda thing, but after a bit, they started to compare notes, and realized he had been blatantly lying to both of them about each other and himself. He, naturally, was furious at being found out. Next thing ya know, my friend had been blocked from both of their facebook accounts. Sadly, one of the last communications my friend had had with the girl, the girl had told her that for the sake of the baby, she was going to try to make it work with the dickhead. So his manipulation continues, this time with a young impressionable 22-year-old. Which sucks, but at least he's out of my friend's life, and I didn't have to find a place to dump a body....

              "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
              Still A Customer."

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              • #8
                Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. She's clinging to him out of desperation. The only thing that will end the relationship is him calling it quits and deciding to not have any more contact with her.

                The chances of her deciding to end it herself are slim, no matter how rotten he is to her.

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                • #9
                  confronting someone who is being abused sometimes will make them withdraw from you but stay with the abuser. Be there for the friend, show them by example how a good person treats them and hopefully they'll eventually learn to leave.
                  Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness?
                  Me: I expect competence from my coworkers.

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                  • #10
                    Quoth gremcint View Post
                    Be there for the friend, show them by example how a good person treats them and hopefully they'll eventually learn to leave.
                    That's pretty much what I've ended up doing.

                    Thanks for all the thoughts folks, appreciate it
                    A PSA, if I may, as well as another.

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                    • #11
                      I like NC's idea, and I might even expand on it.

                      Watch something silly and totally lighthearted, with her and some other friends. I'm going to suggest "The Princess Bride".

                      During all the "I am not left-handed!" and "INCONCEIVABLE" and so forth in the aftermath of the show, have the local Feminist of your group bring up the topic of how Buttercup has no agency in the film, and the only active choice she ever makes is to mar the only perfect set of breasts in the world.
                      She lets herself be nothing but a token for Humperdink and Vizzini and Westley to pass around like a relay baton.

                      Princess Bride is such a lighthearted piece of fluff fiction (hey, I'm not disparaging it, I ADORE the movie) that she almost certainly won't notice that you're discussing an issue personally important to her. And while she probably won't notice - yet - that she's letting her boyfriend be her Humperdink or Vizzini; you're setting up the concept inside her mind that such things happen.

                      Don't let the Feminist or yourself or any of the others continue the 'relay baton' discussion any longer than it naturally continues. You want the movie night to be a fun event, and to go back to "Australia is entirely peopled by criminals" and "Rodents of Unusual Size" before anyone gets annoyed or hyperpolitical.

                      Remember that you need to keep a light hand in this, and not become manipulative yourself.



                      Besides, next week's movie night is 'Singing in the Rain', the old classic about a young woman being exploited in the movie industry.....


                      Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them
                      Last edited by Seshat; 10-05-2014, 08:47 PM.
                      Seshat's self-help guide:
                      1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                      2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                      3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                      4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                      "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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