Tweet
Hey hoo, Limescale here again! So far no other new weird goings on so I thought I'd share something that's been on my mind for a while. Despite having not worked behind an actual counter for years (though I'd be happy to share some stories from then if anyone wants to hear about ancient memories) this site has kept me fresh on the lexicon of sucky customers, and just how many times I've come up with a brilliant response that sadly had to remain unsaid for reasons of general politeness and not wanting to lose my job.
As such I present Limescale's list of snappy comebacks to the age old cliches of customer crappiness:
1. "But (other store) has it at (lower price)!"
Response:
- "Well I think we can do something about that. What you want to do is walk out our front door then *proceed to give directions to other store. If you have a sheet of paper handy, draw them a map as well for added bonus*
2. "They let me have it for free all the time!"
Response:
- "Really? Do you perchance have a name or a physical description of who has been violating policy for you so we can see to it that they're fired immediately? Oh and I'll need your name, address and phone number as well so when we let them go we can tell them who informed us of their crimes, and also if they decide to contest it we can call you in to testify against them in court."
4. "I'm going to complain and get you fired!"
Response:
- *If you work at a small establishment with limited staff* "Then I must warn you that if you do there won't be anyone to ring up your purchases, or the purchases of anyone else in the store/anyone else in the line behind you. The other patrons won't appreciate that very much."
- *If you have an intercom handy.* "Attention shoppers, we regret to inform you that due to a customer complaint filed by (customer name) at (register location) we have been forced to dismiss (your name) in accordance with our promise to provide outstanding customer service. While we thank (customer name) for bringing this issue to our attention we regret to inform you that for the moment there is now no one able to service you. We apologize for the inconvenience and ask that you please leave and return when notified that we have been able to hire new staff. Again that was (customer name) standing at (register location)."
- "Okay, well you know what that means right? I'm not a staff member any more, now I'm a customer just like you! That means I get to behave just like you, be rude, inconsiderate and demeaning just like you! What, there's nothing you can do now, I don't work here anymore!"
5. "I'm a friend/neighbor/bastard offspring/former roommate of the owner!"
Response:
- "Well why didn't you say so in the first place? I'll just ring him/her up and have them approve this right now. Can I please get your name so I can tell him/her who this is for?"
- "Hmm, and they didn't give you an executive discount card? That's weird it's basically an exclusive gift card that all friends of the higher ups are given when they come in to shop. Don't know why they forgot to see that you got one. Never mind, just give them a ring and ask for a replacement, I'm sure they'll be happy to issue you one seeing as you're such a dear friend. Oh and make sure they sign before they give it to you, cause we need their signature to know it's legit."
- *if you're on good terms with the owner of your workplace* "Really? Funny that Mom/Dad have never mentioned you before. They're usually pretty good at keeping me abreast of their known acquaintances."
6. "I demand you honor this expired/unrelated sales price!"
Response:
- "Very well. You are a most respectful and merited sales price. Quite frankly I feel humbled to have the privilege of being in the presence of such a high standing superior member of our store's pricing system. On my heart I swear off all other prices as you truly are the most noble financial standard we have ever set!" *bow in courtesy*
- "Oooh are you sure you want me to? It would mean having to completely disrupt the flow of the space time continuum, rearranging everything so we were in the proper time/dimension where that price would apply, and then having to clean up all the temporal anomalies, time paradoxes and dimensional rifts that would inevitably result. I mean you'd be looking at at least a couple days wait for me to do all that. Do you really want to wait that long?"
7. "I demand you take my expired coupon!"
Response:
- "As you wish." *take coupon and place it somewhere out of the customer's reach* "That will be (normal price) please."
8. "I shop here all the time!"
Response:
- "Really? And you still don't know what our policies are? Damn we're going to need to start holding seminars so this won't keep happening. What time next week can you come in for a refresher on store rules?"
-"Hmmm, and you pull this same dishonest crap every time? Hey (manager) I think I found the reason why our sales are so low this quarter!"
9. "This is bad customer service!!"
Response:
- "No this is standard operating procedure in accordance with the rules of conduct set down by the corporate office. Bad customer service would be me being as rude, and disruptive, and condescending as...well, ye that standeth before me.
- "Why thank you for that! We do strive to maintain the same level of excellence that we always have!"
10. "You just lost a customer!"
- "Not to worry, I'll make an announcement and see if we can locate them for you."
- "That's fine, another one will turn up shortly."
That's about all I can remember for right now. Anyone else got more?
As such I present Limescale's list of snappy comebacks to the age old cliches of customer crappiness:
1. "But (other store) has it at (lower price)!"
Response:
- "Well I think we can do something about that. What you want to do is walk out our front door then *proceed to give directions to other store. If you have a sheet of paper handy, draw them a map as well for added bonus*
2. "They let me have it for free all the time!"
Response:
- "Really? Do you perchance have a name or a physical description of who has been violating policy for you so we can see to it that they're fired immediately? Oh and I'll need your name, address and phone number as well so when we let them go we can tell them who informed us of their crimes, and also if they decide to contest it we can call you in to testify against them in court."
4. "I'm going to complain and get you fired!"
Response:
- *If you work at a small establishment with limited staff* "Then I must warn you that if you do there won't be anyone to ring up your purchases, or the purchases of anyone else in the store/anyone else in the line behind you. The other patrons won't appreciate that very much."
- *If you have an intercom handy.* "Attention shoppers, we regret to inform you that due to a customer complaint filed by (customer name) at (register location) we have been forced to dismiss (your name) in accordance with our promise to provide outstanding customer service. While we thank (customer name) for bringing this issue to our attention we regret to inform you that for the moment there is now no one able to service you. We apologize for the inconvenience and ask that you please leave and return when notified that we have been able to hire new staff. Again that was (customer name) standing at (register location)."
- "Okay, well you know what that means right? I'm not a staff member any more, now I'm a customer just like you! That means I get to behave just like you, be rude, inconsiderate and demeaning just like you! What, there's nothing you can do now, I don't work here anymore!"
5. "I'm a friend/neighbor/bastard offspring/former roommate of the owner!"
Response:
- "Well why didn't you say so in the first place? I'll just ring him/her up and have them approve this right now. Can I please get your name so I can tell him/her who this is for?"
- "Hmm, and they didn't give you an executive discount card? That's weird it's basically an exclusive gift card that all friends of the higher ups are given when they come in to shop. Don't know why they forgot to see that you got one. Never mind, just give them a ring and ask for a replacement, I'm sure they'll be happy to issue you one seeing as you're such a dear friend. Oh and make sure they sign before they give it to you, cause we need their signature to know it's legit."
- *if you're on good terms with the owner of your workplace* "Really? Funny that Mom/Dad have never mentioned you before. They're usually pretty good at keeping me abreast of their known acquaintances."
6. "I demand you honor this expired/unrelated sales price!"
Response:
- "Very well. You are a most respectful and merited sales price. Quite frankly I feel humbled to have the privilege of being in the presence of such a high standing superior member of our store's pricing system. On my heart I swear off all other prices as you truly are the most noble financial standard we have ever set!" *bow in courtesy*
- "Oooh are you sure you want me to? It would mean having to completely disrupt the flow of the space time continuum, rearranging everything so we were in the proper time/dimension where that price would apply, and then having to clean up all the temporal anomalies, time paradoxes and dimensional rifts that would inevitably result. I mean you'd be looking at at least a couple days wait for me to do all that. Do you really want to wait that long?"
7. "I demand you take my expired coupon!"
Response:
- "As you wish." *take coupon and place it somewhere out of the customer's reach* "That will be (normal price) please."
8. "I shop here all the time!"
Response:
- "Really? And you still don't know what our policies are? Damn we're going to need to start holding seminars so this won't keep happening. What time next week can you come in for a refresher on store rules?"
-"Hmmm, and you pull this same dishonest crap every time? Hey (manager) I think I found the reason why our sales are so low this quarter!"
9. "This is bad customer service!!"
Response:
- "No this is standard operating procedure in accordance with the rules of conduct set down by the corporate office. Bad customer service would be me being as rude, and disruptive, and condescending as...well, ye that standeth before me.
- "Why thank you for that! We do strive to maintain the same level of excellence that we always have!"
10. "You just lost a customer!"
- "Not to worry, I'll make an announcement and see if we can locate them for you."
- "That's fine, another one will turn up shortly."
That's about all I can remember for right now. Anyone else got more?
) 
please tell me that one really worked. 
me! I have one for this.
Comment