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A better month for all... perhaps. 
Aquarius
Concentrate on new ventures, new people, or else you could get sucked into bad memories. Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at peers. In a former life, you were an extremely evil person, for example, a traffic warden or a tax inspector. That's probably why your life sucks right now. Earn karma points by donating to charity, or at the very least, stopping knocking on people's doors and running away. That's irritating enough in a child and you're a grown adult now, so quit it and find something grown up to do with your time, like writing nasty letters to newspapers instead.
Pisces
The new moon in your sign on Thursday combined with Mars speaks of a new kind of energy, drive and initiative which means you've no chance of getting out of doing the ironing. And don't let it pile up. If you do, you will trip over the immense pile on Tuesday and fall flat on your face in front of someone that you are trying to impress and the chance will be lost forever. Your skills as a convincing and interesting speaker could be called upon this week as your mate will need an alibi. Refusing your mate this favour does not bode well for you, as she knows something about you which could have dire consequences should she choose to broadcast it to the world. Keep her sweet. After all, you do have the impressive skill of being able to look someone in the eye and lie convincingly, so might as well make the most of it.
Aries
Some people hit rock bottom and they splatter, others bounce. Make sure you identify which kind you are and prepare for the future. A change is coming. An indefinable source will push you out of your rhythm. Evil will take a new form and you will be in the centre of it. If only you weren't so thick headed, because otherwise you might notice in time to avoid it... never mind. Whatever you did, you did the right thing, but for the love of god, stop calling and texting that number! Pick any other number, even if it is your local pizza place, just not that one. File your ex into the dead category. They are never going to come back to you, so you can stop hoping right now. Instead, go out and attempt to find the person for you... just try not to make yourself look ridiculous in the process this time.
Taurus
A week when finding the right words at the right time will have the effect of smoothing over a potential family upset. So be brave and admit it was you that scratched the car. It’s true that whenever you come into contact with animals, they always seem to really like you. However, this is mainly because you’re fat and slow and thus will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes. Beware of wolves, cats and things that go bump in the night. Also, disregard the Cancer and Scorpio at your peril. Both can hone in on your most sensitive areas and deliver a nasty nip that will down you like a felled tree. A wise man once said that astrology and palmistry are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.
Gemini
Any part of your personality that is wilful or possessive could be exposed this week, for there are opposing forces determined to bring out the best or worst in you. So drink less or you'll regret it. Under the influence of alcohol, you are under the impression that beating up the strongest person in the bar will make everyone respect you. Instead they will laugh at you, and you won't even know it because you will be in hospital. Try and avoid the salad meal while you're there, because it's full of salmonella. Money can’t bring you happiness but it won't automatically depress you either. And remember, the best way to save money is to forget the person you borrowed it from. It is time to wake up, smell the fresh air, listen to some soul music and meditate. But if you are from another planet I don’t think any of this will make sense, so go back to bed.
Cancer
This month has been fine right up to the last week, when it suddenly got cold. This is bad news for everyone around you, as Cancers tend to get extremely short tempered when the weather is cold, as you are best suited to warmer climes. Try not to bite too many people's heads off this month, as you will need to retain at least one friend to go drinking with. Most people think that you are a cold, unemotional person who is probably a serial killer. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as it does at least mean that no-one is going to dare to cross you. You are also becoming a shape-shifter. Could this month be good for your career? Watch out for a lingering promotion. And for the love of god, at least TRY to smile more. Trust me, your face won't crack.
Leo
If you do not have anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. Remember these wise words; if you lend someone money and never see them again, it was worth it. Especially if the person in question is a two faced Gemini. Leo brains are like the Bermuda Triangle. Info goes in, never to be seen again... Keep calm, nobody else knows what they're doing either. You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing disparate directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before. Your ego has inflated and it has now become so huge you are no longer able to carry it. The only thing left to do is to flatten it with a steamroller!
Virgo
You are supposed to be modest, shy, meticulous, practical and extremely reliable. Who ever made that story up, obviously got it wrong! You are neither one of those things, and you are certainly not shy! If only you were, the world would be a quieter, more peaceful place. Try and make friends with a Taurus this month. Their inate stupidity will get on your nerves, but you will instantly look like a better person next to them. Don’t do anything that will get you on the front of a newspaper. No dodgy activity in a bush, behind a car, public toilet, anywhere near tourist attractions or parking lots with operating CCTV cams. You are being watched! …Wait a second, what am I saying? Go on, do all of those things! Just let me know when so that I can come and film it and put it up on YouTube for the lulz.
Libra
You decide to create an outrageous and thus lucrative new fashion trend and assemble a snappy three piece suit made of thinly sliced roast beef. Sadly, as you take it out for its first outing, you run into a massive sponsored dog walk put on by the local community. Here's some advice; while wearing meat products might have worked for Lady Gaga, unless you are also a famous pop star, it will not work for you so try to avoid doing so in future and you will also avoid several dog bites. Never compare yourself to anyone or it will cause you agony, it will give you sleepless nights, it will cause you stress, drive you to insanity and ultimately it will lead you to a negative thought process which will stay with you till the day you die.
Scorpio
Your jealousy and resentfulness is driving a lot of your friends to insanity. You are a compulsive obsessive, which also makes you a maniac. You are revengeful, weird and just plain scary! And you have secretive stalking tendencies. Leave people alone, really, you psycho! Otherwise you will soon find yourself residing in a room with bars on the window. Yes, you will have your food and board paid for, but you will not be able to leave. Having said that... not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools. So make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. The end justifies the means, dear Scorpio.
Sagittarius
There are probably at least seven ninjas living in your house not paying rent. This month is all about monkey business for all Sagittarius people. Some will experience too much business and not enough monkey. Your constant worries are like huge splotches of paint on a palette and they are of very little value to anyone including yourself… However, the splotches are nothing in contrast to the spillages that await you. When people around you start slipping and sliding in your goo that’s when the real danger crops up. Stay away from large containers of paint. And also buckets, just to be on the safe side. Probably brushes, as well. But not the ones you use on your hair, otherwise it will become a mess of knots and birds will make nests in it.
Capricorn
You are pompous and patronising. Your dogmatic attitude is getting boring. You will truly help yourself if you stop bossing around and stop interfering in other people’s business. You think you are the best thing in the universe, but really you are intolerant and no one likes you. Do something about it! However, you do have an ok sense of humour on Saturdays, so feel free to express yourself then. Your paranoia can get often the better of you. That guy who keeps knocking on your door every morning is just the postman trying to deliver a parcel. And those voices in your head are only trying to reassure you that you’re not actually mental. You will meet a tall dark stranger this evening, adorned from head to toe in black. He carries a scythe and is a tad on the bony side. If he invites you to walk down a long dark road with him, make sure you stay near the light.
Aquarius
Concentrate on new ventures, new people, or else you could get sucked into bad memories. Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting it at peers. In a former life, you were an extremely evil person, for example, a traffic warden or a tax inspector. That's probably why your life sucks right now. Earn karma points by donating to charity, or at the very least, stopping knocking on people's doors and running away. That's irritating enough in a child and you're a grown adult now, so quit it and find something grown up to do with your time, like writing nasty letters to newspapers instead.
Pisces
The new moon in your sign on Thursday combined with Mars speaks of a new kind of energy, drive and initiative which means you've no chance of getting out of doing the ironing. And don't let it pile up. If you do, you will trip over the immense pile on Tuesday and fall flat on your face in front of someone that you are trying to impress and the chance will be lost forever. Your skills as a convincing and interesting speaker could be called upon this week as your mate will need an alibi. Refusing your mate this favour does not bode well for you, as she knows something about you which could have dire consequences should she choose to broadcast it to the world. Keep her sweet. After all, you do have the impressive skill of being able to look someone in the eye and lie convincingly, so might as well make the most of it.
Aries
Some people hit rock bottom and they splatter, others bounce. Make sure you identify which kind you are and prepare for the future. A change is coming. An indefinable source will push you out of your rhythm. Evil will take a new form and you will be in the centre of it. If only you weren't so thick headed, because otherwise you might notice in time to avoid it... never mind. Whatever you did, you did the right thing, but for the love of god, stop calling and texting that number! Pick any other number, even if it is your local pizza place, just not that one. File your ex into the dead category. They are never going to come back to you, so you can stop hoping right now. Instead, go out and attempt to find the person for you... just try not to make yourself look ridiculous in the process this time.
Taurus
A week when finding the right words at the right time will have the effect of smoothing over a potential family upset. So be brave and admit it was you that scratched the car. It’s true that whenever you come into contact with animals, they always seem to really like you. However, this is mainly because you’re fat and slow and thus will be easy to cut from the herd when your time comes. Beware of wolves, cats and things that go bump in the night. Also, disregard the Cancer and Scorpio at your peril. Both can hone in on your most sensitive areas and deliver a nasty nip that will down you like a felled tree. A wise man once said that astrology and palmistry are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.
Gemini
Any part of your personality that is wilful or possessive could be exposed this week, for there are opposing forces determined to bring out the best or worst in you. So drink less or you'll regret it. Under the influence of alcohol, you are under the impression that beating up the strongest person in the bar will make everyone respect you. Instead they will laugh at you, and you won't even know it because you will be in hospital. Try and avoid the salad meal while you're there, because it's full of salmonella. Money can’t bring you happiness but it won't automatically depress you either. And remember, the best way to save money is to forget the person you borrowed it from. It is time to wake up, smell the fresh air, listen to some soul music and meditate. But if you are from another planet I don’t think any of this will make sense, so go back to bed.
Cancer
This month has been fine right up to the last week, when it suddenly got cold. This is bad news for everyone around you, as Cancers tend to get extremely short tempered when the weather is cold, as you are best suited to warmer climes. Try not to bite too many people's heads off this month, as you will need to retain at least one friend to go drinking with. Most people think that you are a cold, unemotional person who is probably a serial killer. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as it does at least mean that no-one is going to dare to cross you. You are also becoming a shape-shifter. Could this month be good for your career? Watch out for a lingering promotion. And for the love of god, at least TRY to smile more. Trust me, your face won't crack.
Leo
If you do not have anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. Remember these wise words; if you lend someone money and never see them again, it was worth it. Especially if the person in question is a two faced Gemini. Leo brains are like the Bermuda Triangle. Info goes in, never to be seen again... Keep calm, nobody else knows what they're doing either. You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing disparate directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before. Your ego has inflated and it has now become so huge you are no longer able to carry it. The only thing left to do is to flatten it with a steamroller!
Virgo
You are supposed to be modest, shy, meticulous, practical and extremely reliable. Who ever made that story up, obviously got it wrong! You are neither one of those things, and you are certainly not shy! If only you were, the world would be a quieter, more peaceful place. Try and make friends with a Taurus this month. Their inate stupidity will get on your nerves, but you will instantly look like a better person next to them. Don’t do anything that will get you on the front of a newspaper. No dodgy activity in a bush, behind a car, public toilet, anywhere near tourist attractions or parking lots with operating CCTV cams. You are being watched! …Wait a second, what am I saying? Go on, do all of those things! Just let me know when so that I can come and film it and put it up on YouTube for the lulz.
Libra
You decide to create an outrageous and thus lucrative new fashion trend and assemble a snappy three piece suit made of thinly sliced roast beef. Sadly, as you take it out for its first outing, you run into a massive sponsored dog walk put on by the local community. Here's some advice; while wearing meat products might have worked for Lady Gaga, unless you are also a famous pop star, it will not work for you so try to avoid doing so in future and you will also avoid several dog bites. Never compare yourself to anyone or it will cause you agony, it will give you sleepless nights, it will cause you stress, drive you to insanity and ultimately it will lead you to a negative thought process which will stay with you till the day you die.
Scorpio
Your jealousy and resentfulness is driving a lot of your friends to insanity. You are a compulsive obsessive, which also makes you a maniac. You are revengeful, weird and just plain scary! And you have secretive stalking tendencies. Leave people alone, really, you psycho! Otherwise you will soon find yourself residing in a room with bars on the window. Yes, you will have your food and board paid for, but you will not be able to leave. Having said that... not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools. So make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. The end justifies the means, dear Scorpio.
Sagittarius
There are probably at least seven ninjas living in your house not paying rent. This month is all about monkey business for all Sagittarius people. Some will experience too much business and not enough monkey. Your constant worries are like huge splotches of paint on a palette and they are of very little value to anyone including yourself… However, the splotches are nothing in contrast to the spillages that await you. When people around you start slipping and sliding in your goo that’s when the real danger crops up. Stay away from large containers of paint. And also buckets, just to be on the safe side. Probably brushes, as well. But not the ones you use on your hair, otherwise it will become a mess of knots and birds will make nests in it.
Capricorn
You are pompous and patronising. Your dogmatic attitude is getting boring. You will truly help yourself if you stop bossing around and stop interfering in other people’s business. You think you are the best thing in the universe, but really you are intolerant and no one likes you. Do something about it! However, you do have an ok sense of humour on Saturdays, so feel free to express yourself then. Your paranoia can get often the better of you. That guy who keeps knocking on your door every morning is just the postman trying to deliver a parcel. And those voices in your head are only trying to reassure you that you’re not actually mental. You will meet a tall dark stranger this evening, adorned from head to toe in black. He carries a scythe and is a tad on the bony side. If he invites you to walk down a long dark road with him, make sure you stay near the light.
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