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  • When I'm off, I'm off (long)

    I am not the most coordinated of human beings. It is rare that the word "graceful" ever escapes anyone's lips in the same sentence with my name, unless accompanied by the word "not". I swear there is a ghost making bumps in the floor to trip me and instantly making them disappear. Add to this my tendency to do really goofy things. My first day at my current job, I put pepper jack cheese in the food processor with the shredder attachment without putting a bowl under the spout to catch it. It took me a while to clean up the spicy dairy explosion out of the nearby potato bin. To make matters worse, sometimes I have a really off day. When I'm off, it's best to get out of my way before you end up covered in butter and flour or something else equally insane. This is the tale of one of those days.

    Cast of characters:

    Me: Hey
    BC: the Breakfast Chef and one of my favorite people in the world. He also shows no mercy when the opportunity to tease presents itself. I worked with him a year at another job before this one and he got me my current job. He knows me pretty well.
    EC: the Executive Chef. He has worked with BC for 20 years. Those two are totally and completely Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets.
    CW: Random coworker who witnesses some of the carnage

    Random, but important side note: While having a convo with EC one day, we discussed the things we particularly hate about our jobs with the understanding that we love them overall, every job just has it's things you don't like doing. His was meat inventory. Mine was portioning and bagging turkey for sandwiches and cheese for quesadillas. (Gotta love a boss you can have a convo like that with!)

    I arrived at work one morning feeling a little off, but not bad. Oh boy, was I wrong. First of all, I needed something out of the walk in cooler, so I stepped in and moved a cart out of the way of the shelf I needed. Apparently, that cart was the only thing holding our in-house made blue cheese dressing on the shelf. (Coworkers who like to overload the shelves like that are another rant.) Five freaking gallons of thick, chunky blue cheese dressing is spreading over the walk in floor.

    Me: (running out for cleaning supplies) UGH! Night crew left the blue cheese dressing on the edge of the shelf! It's all over the floor.
    BC: (goes to look) Oh shit! (laughing like crazy) It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?
    Me: No! This wasn't even my fault! Besides, I've got it out of my system now.
    BC: Sure.

    The blue cheese incident put me behind in setting up for breakfast, so I had to boogie. I grab the syrup dispenser to get it plugged in to heat the syrup. Now, this dispenser has a lid that just rests on top. It doesn't snap or screw on. The coworker who had worked breakfast the day before had filled it TO THE BRIM. In setting it up on the counter, the wave of syrup knocks the lid of the dispenser right off leaving an unhindered, sticky tsunami to cover the front of my shirt and an area of the floor in the buffet area of breakfast.

    CW: (passing by and cracking up) Making a mess today, are you, incognitocook?

    Great. Just great. Now I'm sticky AND I have to get this cleaned up before we open. I mop the floor and manage to lean over the sink enough to mostly rinse out my shirt. I have a chef coat to wear over it, so nobody will see the mess, but I don't manage to get all the stickiness out of my bra until I get home several hours later and change. Ick.

    Somehow or another, I finish getting breakfast set up and I'm working the omelet station. Shortly afterward, EC arrives and BC fills him in on the adventures of the morning. He looks at me worried. I've only worked with him for 3 or 4 months and he has seen some of my moments, but he hasn't seen this phenomenon before.

    BC steps behind the omelet station while I'm working to tell me something. I honestly don't remember what. While he was still back there, a customer ordered a couple of fried eggs. I pull them out of the cooler and turn around toward the grill - a little too fast. One of them flies out of my hand and lands on the floor between me and BC. BC has a facial expression that cannot be duplicated. It is a baffling combination of totally straight-faced and dead serious, but something you can't even pinpoint gives away the fact that he is trying insanely hard not to laugh hysterically. When he makes this expression, I can't help laughing. I had tears running down my cheeks from trying so hard not to laugh at this point. Up until then, I had just been irritated, but that expression from BC turned it all around. I knew he was going back there to tell EC, too. Hoo boy.

    Fast forward about an hour. My container of liquid eggs I had been ladling from for omelets was empty and I had a line at the omelet station. I bent down and reached into the cooler for the bag of liquid eggs to refill it. These are 20 pound plastic bags of pre-blended eggs with a plastic stopper on one end. Oh just my luck. The lid caught on the door as I pulled it out, not to mention I had the wrong end of the bag in my hand. In all, I lost about 1 1/2 to 2 gallons of eggs before getting control of it. With the line of people waiting, there was no time to clean it up and still take care of the guests, so I had to walk back and forth through it for the next hour or so until closing. Thankfully, I'm behind a counter and they can't see the floor back there!

    BC walks out again to tell me something. While coming around the counter, he sees the mess, stops dead in his tracks and looks at me.

    Me: The lid caught on the door.
    BC: (is speechless. Throws arms up in the air and walks away totally forgetting what he was going to say.)

    Moments later, he comes back out again with EC, who comes around the counter, stops dead and looks at me with the same expression.

    EC: I didn't believe him! I really thought he was kidding!
    Me: (absolutely dying) No, unfortunately not.
    EC: (throws arms up and walks away a la BC)
    EC: (comes back out again minutes later with BC behind him) I thought I'd come out and see if you needed anything.
    Me: No, I'm fi - oh thanks a lot!!!

    EC was wearing a large, black garbage bag with his head and arms sticking through. EC and BC turn to each other and crack up a la Statler and Waldorf and I laugh until I cry, guests or no guests.

    After finally getting everything cleaned up, I went back into the kitchen to see if EC needed me to do anything before leaving, as I always did. He was ready for me.

    EC: Yeah, you can bag this turkey. (Hands me a massive ziplock bag of sliced turkey and walks away cracking up again.)
    Me: Oh gee, thanks!
    (I finish the turkey and find him again)
    Me: Is that it, or do you have some cheese for me to bag, too?
    BC: (cracking up) Whoooaaaa!
    EC: I think I deserved that one. No, you can go home.

    I am soooooooooo glad I work for really great chefs. That could have gone a LOT worse!
    The original Cookie in a multitude of cookies.

  • #2
    I think you are my long-lost sister. Stuff like this happens to me, too, but usually involves broken glass. o_O Thanks for the laughs!
    "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

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    • #3
      Oh my, I'm still giggling (sorry!)

      The whole thing could have been me I still have a lovely dent in my floor from when a frozen turkey did a triple back flip out of my hands, bounced off the ceiling & hit the floor when I caught my elbow hard getting it out of the freezer

      I always was a clumsy oaf!

      These days I'm just as bad but more dangerous when it comes to sharp knives & hot water now my hands have decided to start falling apart.

      Oh well, such is life
      Arp happens!

      Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

      Comment


      • #4
        You are my sister as well, break things, drop things, lose things, that;s me.

        So bad that when I was posing with my neice for a photo after she was born, my mother said in all seriousness "is it wise to let telephoneangel hold the baby?"

        Customer "why did you answer the phone if you can't help me?"

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        • #5
          Quoth Cazzi View Post
          I still have a lovely dent in my floor from when a frozen turkey did a triple back flip out of my hands, bounced off the ceiling & hit the floor when I caught my elbow hard getting it out of the freezer
          I have quite a visual of that flying turkey. Thanks for that laugh.

          Good to meet my long lost sisters! I've just started working on trying to get all my scars to heal up with some cocoa butter. I'm sure you all understand! Beware of knives, glass and hot things everyone!
          The original Cookie in a multitude of cookies.

          Comment


          • #6
            For someone who has as much grace as an elephant & the spacial awareness of a bull in a china shop, I've gotten quite quick at jumping backwards away from the knives I throw at myself
            Arp happens!

            Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

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            • #7
              Yeah, my husband needs to learn that it's not a bad accident until the knife came within 10 cm of my feet. Merely dropping a knife on the floor doesn't mean anything unless I'm not the only barefoot person nearby.

              Comment


              • #8
                I'm laughing with you, not at you.

                Last week I picked up a gallon of milk at the store and as always they asked me if I needed that in a bag to which I replied no. They promptly ignored me and put it in a bag anyway. When I got home, I was trying to get milk out of bag when suddenly I was juggling a gallon of milk that ended up landing splat on the tile and burst all over the place. I tried to pick up the milk while slidding around on the tile. When I finally got it to the sink it was completely empty! The looks on my hubby's and daughter's face were priceless. They looked shocked and at the same time I knew they were trying not to laugh. That didn't last very long. Once I saw them looking at me that way I was cracking up too.

                I spent the next hour mopping up milk.

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                • #9
                  Quoth Cazzi View Post
                  Oh my, I'm still giggling (sorry!)

                  The whole thing could have been me I still have a lovely dent in my floor from when a frozen turkey did a triple back flip out of my hands, bounced off the ceiling & hit the floor when I caught my elbow hard getting it out of the freezer

                  I always was a clumsy oaf!

                  These days I'm just as bad but more dangerous when it comes to sharp knives & hot water now my hands have decided to start falling apart.

                  Oh well, such is life
                  That sounds painful. My elbow is throbbing now, lol.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Aut View Post
                    That sounds painful. My elbow is throbbing now, lol.
                    Ow my sympathies with that I had tennis elbow a few years ago, caused by cross stitching of all things! It took a cortisone jab & physio to get it right. That was before I knew about my hypermobility syndrome thing though so I'm a bit more careful these days

                    I manage to keep most of the owies at bay with a painkiller regime from my lovely doc... except i suffer subluxions, especially in my thumbs which the pks don't touch & can lead to some pretty interesting mishaps & large attacks of clumsiness

                    It all adds up to make life a little more interesting
                    Arp happens!

                    Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Reminds me of the time working in a hotel where we were having the yearly safety brief about dealing with fires etc. As we were coming out, smoke was puring out of the super grill (that often turned metal cooking plates literally red hot and could do very well done toast in a matter of seconds) the parsnips were on fire! Putting them out was somewhat delayed because of the fact we were rolling on the floor in laughter.
                      I am the nocturnal echo-locating flying mammal man.

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                      • #12
                        Quoth TelephoneAngel View Post
                        So bad that when I was posing with my neice for a photo after she was born, my mother said in all seriousness "is it wise to let telephoneangel hold the baby?"

                        Lol! That reminds me of when a coworker of mine let me hold his newborn baby. I was so nervous, but don't worry, I didn't drop the baby. However, right when I gave the baby back to him, and turned around to go back into the room...my foot caught on a step and I literally fell flat onto my face. My coworker had this horrified look on his face. Since then, I don't trust myself while holding fragile things.

                        I was SO glad that I had returned the baby to him before I fell.

                        *Shudder*
                        Sucky Customers- Have the ability to convert non-drinkers into raging alcoholics in one phone call or less.

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