How to deal with lovesick friend

[Seshat]

Manipulators do this:

* Gradually build up manipulative behaviour.

* If called on it, apologise profusely, grovel, behave 'nicely' for a while.

* Gradually (but less so than previously) build up manipulative behaviour.

* Rinse and repeat.

[Eireann]

Stop trying to make sense out of what Ben does or doesn't do. It's not your job.

You know what is your job? To be happy. Not to try to "make" others happy (which simply doesn't work). To have a rich, full life. To be surrounded by healthy, supportive people. To think of yourself and what is good for you.

What is NOT your job is to make excuses for Ben, as I said before, or let him continue to jerk you around. He's a classic manipulator. When called on it, he apologized and treated you oh-so-very-slightly better, but he's just waiting until he can pick up with the same old shit. That's what they do. Abusers, when left, grovel and apologize and sweat never to abuse again - and then, when the victim believes it and comes back, everything starts up again. Ben has this pattern in his life, and he's not interested in breaking it.

Something else here is very important. If he weren't doing it to you, he would be doing it to someone else. Does that make you less of a person? No, it does not. It means that to Ben, everyone is to be manipulated. They don't differentiate. They don't say, "Oh, this is a good person; I can't treat him/her that way." Their view of the entire human race is: "Here for me to use."

What you really need, more than anything else, is not Ben, not even your boyfriend, but counseling to show you that you don't deserve this sort of behavior, and to stop believing that you do. You were raised to believe you do? Why continue to believe it? Tell me that it's doing you any good to be isolated and alone and easy prey for the Bens of the world. Do it now. Find a free or low-cost counselor and work things through. You can believe me when I say that things only get better when you do.

[Seshat]

^ What she said, regarding counselling.

You can almost certainly get it at your college, perhaps as part of student services. You may even be able to get an appointment between classes or lectures. If you need to stay late or go in early, tell your mother you've got a tutorial to attend.

You do. A tutorial in being a healthy you.

[MoonCat]

It's been a while since I read this, and I was wondering what's going on. Any updates?

[ShadowBall]

Ehh, not really. I went to visit Ben last month and it went well. He asked me quite often if it was okay for him to say or do certain things (like tell pervy jokes, give me a hug, etc.), so he was pretty obviously concerned with my being comfortable. Shit, there were times he got really upset with himself worrying that he may have offended me...so there were a couple of hour-long cheer-up sessions, but for different reasons.

It seemed weird having him acting like he's walking on egg shells, but otherwise it was normal and sans drama.

I was also able to call my BF every couple days without issue. So I think it's all good now.

[Moirae]

For the most part I've moved on from this site but my husband let me know about this thread.

This situation reminds me of something that happened to me years ago.

I had just left my first husband. He was an abusive selfish man known for doing things like making me get in the back seat when his friends got in the car so they could sit in the front seat and punching holes in the walls when I didn't do the dishes. My stepdad asked him about the punching holes in the walls thing once. He said "Its better than punching her in the face isn't it?".

I was so afraid of him that I left the country for six months and came to the US so he couldn't hurt me.

I don't regret this at all. It changed my life for the better. I spent alot of time sitting and thinking. I traveled the US and met alot of my internet friends.

One of the people that I met while I was here, I ended up staying with for 4 months. Shawn was a very nice guy who asked nothing of me at all. I used to sit alone on his porch for hours looking at the stars and thinking about who I was and where I was going with my life.

While I was there, I started talking to my now husband on the phone. Every single night. For hours. Sometimes about nothing. He and I had met on the internet too, and we had a connection that has never diminished. So much so that I moved to the United States (I'm from Canada) to be with him. I love him dearly and always will.

That being said, my now husband and I were just on the phone and the internet. Shawn was there in my presence. And Shawn fell for me hard. He got very jealous about me talking to my now husband on the phone all the time. Shawn hated him for no reason. All in spite of the fact that I had told him when we met that he and I were only friends and that it would stay that way because I had just left my abusive husband and I wasn't looking for a new relationship. Something he had a very hard time accepting.

He was very angry when it was time for me to come back to Canada (at the time, you could stay in the US for six months on vacation, then you had to leave. This was before 9/11) and I insisted that I had to see my now husband before I left the country.

According to my husband, Shawn called him up on the phone and told him "you better be good to her".

And I knew what was going on. I knew Shawn was in love with me. It was obvious by him wanting to hold my hand all the time, wanting to be with me constantly, getting jealous over my now husband, and he even started calling me "dear" (I put a stop to that immediately because it made me incredibly uncomfortable) but he never used the words "I love you".

I came back to Canada and Shawn was still sending me presents in the mail.

After I got engaged to my now husband, Shawn didn't say a word to me for quite a while, but the gifts stopped.

Its been 10 years now. My husband and I have been happily married for 5 years. Shawn was invited to our wedding, and our renewal. He didn't come, but he did send his well wishes.

After all this time, he's come to accept the fact that we are friends. And he knows that I will always consider him my friend, but nothing more. We have moved on from that.

I have him on my facebook page, and I have his email address. Sometimes we post to each other or send each other emails updating each other on our lives. We haven't talked on the phone in many years.

But he knows that I know I can count on him if I need him. And he knows the same for me.

Like you, I can count the number of friends I have on one hand. They are few and precious and extremely rare. I don't like most people I come into contact with, and making friends is very hard for me.

But like I did, you need to pull away from him. The visits that you make, while I understand, need to dwindle. And you should NOT be staying with him. While you stay with him, you give him hope that it may become more. Friends is fine, but you aren't acting like a friend.

Trust me, I know. I've been there. There's more to what I posted than what I posted. I just don't feel that everyone needs to know the deep details.

Ben is only biding his time. He will start again. And it will end up hurting you both.

I'm not saying that you should cut your relationship off. I think I'd be bothered if Shawn stopped talking to me altogether. I attribute him with helping to save my life. I don't think I'd be who I am now without him and his help. I was suicidal when I left my first husband, and I think I'd have tried to end it if I hadn't. Shawn helped me get away from an abusive husband, and he took care of me when I had no money and asked nothing in return. But he IS a friend, and a friend only.

Ben needs to understand exactly where he stands. You don't need to cut him off, but the dynamics of your relationship need to change for both your sakes. Him walking on egg shells around you isn't a solution.