Dealing With An Overly Sensitive and Insecure Boyfriend

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Blas, you are trying to change him.

You can't really do that, you know. He's not going to become what you want.

[blas]

I know, it's wrong to change people. And most people don't change.

It's just something I cannot wrap my head around. Why in the world, when you've gotten a great girl and things are going great, would you let your detonator of your horrible insecurities and overly sensitive self blow up and cause drama and trouble when there is absolutely NO reason for it?!

Bug, I'm sorry you're in that situation. Fortunately for me, this isn't about a guy telling me what to do or how to dress or whatnot. It's a person who is nearly impossible to read, who has some really, really deep subscriptions, and for whatever reason, has decided to a few times, choose to get hurt feelings over something that may not have even been about him or meant about him, chose to stay quiet for several days and silently "punish" me for not knowing what I "did" to upset him (incident in my OP), then I finally lash out and say Enough of this silent shit...........things go by relatively well........and something (I don't even know what) happened again that must have gotten him all butthurt.

I mean, I used to think I took things too personally. I've been accused of it by my own boss several times. I tell you what, if I do take something personally, it's usually something WORTH taking personally and I don't go sit in the corner and cry to myself and shoot quiet daggers at the offenders.

[Jester]

Grown ups talk about their issues with one another.

And he's done that...how many times, exactly?

It's just something I cannot wrap my head around. Why in the world, when you've gotten a great girl and things are going great, would you let your detonator of your horrible insecurities and overly sensitive self blow up and cause drama and trouble when there is absolutely NO reason for it?!

I can answer that question in THREE WORDS. No, seriously. Three lousy words to answer your question. That's all I need.

Ready? Here they are:

People are stupid.

And the sad thing is, being a member here, you KNEW people that people are stupid, but when it comes to your own love life, you just don't seem to recognize that basic truth.

But there it is. People are stupid, and your boyfriend is definitely one of them. Because the only excuse for doing what he is doing, repeatedly, after said wonderful woman has told him to cut it out, is simple, basic, and utterly ridiculous stupidity.

You can do better. You know that, of course, but for whatever reason, you are not yet ready to throw in the towel on this man child, and seem determined to either change him or make it work, somehow, against all evidence to the contrary.

Good luck with that.

[blas]

Well yeah, it's been fun for me reminding myself that I shouldn't be spending so much time trying to solve abnormal people's problems, and to get out of their heads because they obviously don't want me in there.

I just can't quit being curious over it. I know the obvious in plain truth truth, but I wonder the underlying reasons. Even at my worst, I never treated anyone that way. I never did anything like that unprovoked.

The whole original incident, I feel, was completely unprovoked. Usually, if someone wants to start their silent sulking games, it's been provoked by something. I know in his opinion, I said "mean" things, even though I truly didn't, and he did it to himself by putting words in my mouth (which is a universal "no no" in any type of situation), but I just wonder where it comes from.

But, you can't help people who want to be miserable, is my lesson learned. I already have experience knowing you can't change people. Though, it'd be extremely beneficial for him if he'd just grow a spine and grow up, it'd help him in his future. Otherwise, he's going to end up at the same square one, or just end up a human hermit crab who only leaves the house to go to work. Not that it wouldn't be his own fault, but I honestly care for him, and I honestly don't want to see someone get in their own way so much that they turn away anyone and everyone.

But, it would be his fault if he did. I won't let him take me down with him. I'm staying up, perky, happy, weird old me. I'm not some gum flapping asshole who goes around hurting feelings intentionally, and I'm not the bad guy.

[kibbles]

I don't have any advice to offer, but I have to commend you Blas on your patience. And I can understand your irritation. Hope things get better.

[blas]

I did some more research and speaking with others, and apparently, while not genetic, behaviors like this are almost always learned from parents and how they were raised.

Which includes shifting blame onto others, or starting arguments or getting emotions riled up, then putting the bad behavior on someone else, instead of dealing with their insecurities and emotional problems.

Assuring. Really. Considering he pulled a really good one on me tonight, and when I referred back to page 1 here and said "If you really were staying quiet to calm down, you'd tell me you needed some time. I obviously strike a nerve with you when I say certain things, you get quiet, and you let yourself get more and more upset the longer you don't tell me, as if you expect me to know, when all along you took something out of context."

(or something like that).

His response?

"I'm fine. I was never that upset."

You were never really upset, but you stopped texting me as soon as I struck a nerve with you, and didn't respond to me until I texted you "Well I don't know what your problem with me is today, but I hope you get over it."

Yeah. Take that, whiner.

That and I think he's inherited a behavior from his shift lead that is awful. She LOVES to get people riled up, and as soon as someone calls her on her BS, she immediately backs down and denies ever doing or saying anything. While he's never denied starting something, he'll deny ever getting upset over something I said. He'll also deny saying certain things, even though you have the written proof he said it. Slightly different than the putting words in mouths, he'll just flat out deny saying something. And he's only started acting that way since he's worked that shift, although there were times when we were just friends he'd give the silent treatment.

[Buglady]

Passive aggressive. So much fun. (I have very little patience for that kind of thing, I'm afraid).

[MoonCat]

Just stepping in here briefly to note that people who behave like this are getting something out of it. I think it's a need for constant reassurance. And it's exhausting. Boy needs counseling.

[blas]

We talked later, after he got off work, because as much as he may be in the wrong, I've always felt it's not fair to anyone to pressure them like that when they already have a shitty job to deal with (and I know he's got it just as bad as I do. He's like the male version of me on his shift).

Apparently, every time I say something he doesn't like, it's because he thinks I've "turned" on him. I don't know where that comes from (must be something to do with family and whatnot), so I had to explain, in my best Mr. Rogers way, that no family or relationship is built on people who agree on every. single. thing, and that there's a lot of things in life we hear that we don't like, but getting all quiet and refusing to talk about it, and letting it fester up until later, especially when you're just going to later blow up that the person didn't read your mind and know you were mad, just causes problems.

Did it sink in? I have no idea. I told him I don't like the black and white all or nothing attitude.

[Jester]

I did some more research and speaking with others, and apparently, while not genetic, behaviors like this are almost always learned from parents and how they were raised.

So you know where it comes from. Great. Does that make it any better to deal with, or give you any insight on how to get him to get beyond it?

She LOVES to get people riled up, and as soon as someone calls her on her BS, she immediately backs down and denies ever doing or saying anything. While he's never denied starting something, he'll deny ever getting upset over something I said. He'll also deny saying certain things, even though you have the written proof he said it.

The very definitions of passive aggressive and denial. Wonderful.

Apparently, every time I say something he doesn't like, it's because he thinks I've "turned" on him. I don't know where that comes from (must be something to do with family and whatnot), so I had to explain, in my best Mr. Rogers way, that no family or relationship is built on people who agree on every. single. thing, and that there's a lot of things in life we hear that we don't like, but getting all quiet and refusing to talk about it, and letting it fester up until later, especially when you're just going to later blow up that the person didn't read your mind and know you were mad, just causes problems.

So I've got to ask...what IS it like dating a junior high schooler?

I only ask because when I WAS in junior high, I didn't have the good fortune to be dating, so I missed all that. And after reading your posts about Mr. Wonderful, I can't say that I have that many regrets about that particular fact.

Not to be too snarky, but the more you tell us about your boyfriend, the less I like him. I am guessing I'm not the only one, either.

Not that what we think matters all that much. After all, you're the one that has to deal with him.

Which brings me back to my original question....what IS it like dating a junior high schooler?