Advice sought on jealousy

[Tama]

That system keeps you honest. Empathy can be a weapon against your favor -- how many affairs have started when a guy or girl started complaining about his or her marriage and someone listened with an empathizing ear?

That equals time spent alone, needs met, and the slope only gets worse from there.

[Kheldarson]

That system keeps you honest. Empathy can be a weapon against your favor -- how many affairs have started when a guy or girl started complaining about his or her marriage and someone listened with an empathizing ear?

That equals time spent alone, needs met, and the slope only gets worse from there.

Or empathy can be used to say "I'd hate to be cheated on, so why would I cheat on somebody I care about?" All emotions can be used as a weapon, if you so choose.

Here's the basic rundown: Assuming any particular traits about a person in terms of cheating is a quick way to end up with a partner who's already inclined to cheat, or to leave you. Because, hey, you already don't trust them. But, if you and your partner are willing to communicate, cheating should never be an issue, even if there are other attractions. My husband and I are very open about our gaming crushes (we're totally sharing OoT Link), and I've been open about my few at-work crushes. Which is more recognizing that, if I weren't with Kabe, I'd have been interested in dating said guys at work. Would I cheat? No. Had it done to me; it sucked finding out, but realized he really was a douche and I really could do better (and his friends were way, way better than him as people). But recognizing the attraction makes it lessen.

But mostly, just because a person has the opportunity to cheat, doesn't mean they will. There are still lots of people who make hard moral and ethical choices.

[Tama]

I guess my point is, why tempt fate?

[Kheldarson]

I guess my point is, why tempt fate?

Tempt fate? As in why date others or why trust your partner in a potentially comprising position?

Because my answer to both is because you have to have faith and trust in people. Or at least one person.

[Moirae]

Tempt fate? As in why date others or why trust your partner in a potentially comprising position?

Because my answer to both is because you have to have faith and trust in people. Or at least one person.

Exactly.

Going in to a relationship automatically assuming they will cheat means you won't have a healthy relationship.

Tama, I sense you have been cheated on and hurt very badly. You still haven't moved on. I was cheated on by my first husband. It destroyed our relationship and I won't tolerate it happening again. My wonderful husband already knows that if he cheats on me, I'll leave.

But you see, I don't automatically assume he will. He's a good man, and I trust him. I will trust him until he breaks that trust.

Please try to move on from having your heart broken. You will be happier in the long run.

[Tama]

No, I've never been cheated on. I've seen people abide by the system I detailed as above and live perfectly happy, is all.

It's not assuming someone will cheat. It's making sure that your partner and you DON'T. It removes the opportunity.

[Kheldarson]

No, I've never been cheated on. I've seen people abide by the system I detailed as above and live perfectly happy, is all.

It's not assuming someone will cheat. It's making sure that your partner and you DON'T. It removes the opportunity.

So I should tell my husband to stop seeing/talking to female friends he had before we even met just to be sure of him?

That's not trust. That's control. Trust is saying "you have these friends? Cool, let me get to know them too" and not sweating it if I don't hit it off with those friends. Cuz he can have a life beyond our relationship. Course trust also says be open in your dealings within reason. Such as "hey I'm going to see X; be back at Y" and alternately not asking for every little detail when they come back.

[MoonCat]

Just a quick thought. A lot of mistrust is not about the other person...it's really about the person who's afraid of being cheated on. It's insecurity. "He (or she) couldn't really love me/want me all that much, I'm not as desirable/pretty/handsome/whatever as that other person...He/she will leave when he/she gets a better offer."

Again, just a thought, YMMV.

[sms001]

I've seen people abide by the system I detailed as above and live perfectly happy, is all.... It's making sure that your partner and you DON'T. It removes the opportunity.

Since it works for them great!

I find just the opposite to be true. I am reassured and happier knowing that my wife has the opportunity to cheat, but doesn't. It means I've placed my trust in the right person, and means she loves and respects me, even though she has other options. There's no bravery without danger, no virtue without temptation, no free will without choice.

As far as the "wired to cheat" aspect is concerned, my current anthropological reading is pretty superficial, but isn't that being questioned? Even if not, I'll take my partners with forebrains, thank you.

[Librarian]

Just a small update for those that contributed to this thread.
I saw some new lingeriepics from today's shoot - and i actually liked em i didn't feel bad at all bout it anymore.

He did promise me never to do naked shoots (and did some braless pics, but i found them tasteful, more so than the previous lingeriepics he did)

[sms001]

Good on ya! There's times when it's (jealousy) a good trigger to look into things more closely, and times when it's just nerves, or self-esteem issues, or just plain old minor crazy. Glad you took the time to thrash it out and figure out what's going on.

[Aethian]

It could also be that he took your words to heart and made his photography better. I think the guy deserves a steak and a wife private lingerie show.

[Librarian]

It could also be that he took your words to heart and made his photography better. I think the guy deserves a steak and a wife private lingerie show.

I think it's mostly in my head, not the model The guy doesn't like steak! (booo! if i want some i always have to cook 2 things) and well, whether or not he gets a lingerie show from me is between the two of us

[Librarian]

I feel absolutely shattered. When he had the fight about lingerie, about a month ago, we made up and he promised me not to do topless or do anything more than the pics he already did. Later we had another arguent and he said he wouldn't do topless without telling me, and at least not in the first few months.

Today i watched his photo's he made yesterday. Quite a few of them were topless. Her hair covered her nipples and most of her bobs "so i doesn't count" according to him. But those pics just hurt me SO much right now. He broke my trust completely, and it's very hard to live with.

[Aislin]

I'm sorry but I hat to tell you, I can see the day coming when he is goin to tell you that you either trust him or you don't and he is going to shoot whatever he wants. I understand where the jealousy is coming from. I have an ex who I was very jealous of his actions because he did many things that raised alarm bells for me. The jealousy was unfounded at first but the constant accusations eventually led him to decide that if he was being accused he might as well do it. I am sorry but topless to me means not wearing a shirt. If I go out in public in my country, with my waist length hair covering my boobs I will still be considered topless. He is trying to site technicalities and I wish I had some advice for you. My husband has my utter and complete trust. He travels world wide, and can be gone for months on a moments notice. I trust him completely. He works with beautiful and smart women all the time and I trust him completely because he extends me the same trust. I am alone for moths at a time and he knows he can trust me. You need to take a hard look at if you can live with him looking for loopholes or if you want to renegotiate the definitions of things or if you can trust him.