Advice sought on jealousy

[Kittish]

Please accept my apologies in advance. Tact isn't always something I'm good at.

So you're getting all upset, and starting fights over your husband's expensive hobby, and his response is to say whatever he thinks you want to hear to placate you then continue working at his hobby?

From this point you've got basically two choices. Keep on as you have been and wind up bitter and hating each other, maybe even lose the relationship entirely. Or, suck it up and figure out some way to deal with it. It's clear he loves photography and that he's not going to give it up because you have insecurity issues surrounding his subject matter. At this point, I'd refer you to a trained counselor or therapist to work out ways to deal with it if you decide you want to try to.

Jealousy is a sneaky bitch, and it is flat out a relationship killer. I wound up absolutely trashing a couple of really good relationships over jealousy before I figured out ways to squash it.

[Seshat]

By the same token, if he'd promised not to do something, then turned around and did it; that's breaking a promise.


I agree that jealousy is a painful emotion which hurts the jealous person and not the subject of the jealousy. I agree that Librarian (or anyone) would be better off learning how to learn from jealousy; then let it go.


BUT: Librarian has EVERY cause to be angry that her husband made a promise then broke it. THAT has to be resolved, especially if it is a pattern.


IMO, of course. All of the above is purely my personal opinion.

[Zellie Crescent]

He took pictures of women that were topless after he promised you he wouldn't knowing how you felt about those type of pictures, that's not cool if it were me I wouldn't trust him either. Like Aislin said he found a loophole, but loophole or not the woman was topless even if you couldn't see anything (which if you ask me is a bullshit excuse). If he found 1 loophole for some thing now what's to stop him from trying to find loopholes for other things later, it was a huge violation of your trust for him to do that. For him to just brush it off like it was nothing by saying it didn't count because you couldn't see anything, that sets of alarm bells.

[Librarian]

Right now, he's putting most of his lingerieshoots on hold cause of the argument we had.

i realise that in the future, he WILL want to do topless and even nude, but he HAD promised me not to start with that for at least a few months and warn me in advance. I'm slowly getting over the lingerieshoots, since i've been to one myself now like advised (before this particular shitstorm) and actually had a good time with the MUA and model (and photographer)

In this instance, the girl asked for it herself, and to be honest, you COULD see less on those pics than some of them with her vest on and bra off (which i was ok with, and those he DID ask me beforehand, you can see the outline of the boobs, but not nipple etc)
He said since she asked, and that she'd be "covered" even if only by her hair, i'd be fine with it. (needless to say, i wasn't)
One of his main arguments was: "would you rather have a husband taking pictures of girsl and showing them to you while nothing unprofessional happens between us or would you have someone that goes behind your back and cheats on you?" I kind of agree, but he doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me that much: he really doesn't see it as breaking a promise or the trust i placed in him)


For now, he promised me at least no more of those this year, and that he would tell me when he'd plan one. If it should be asked unplanned, he'll either tell the model no or at least give me a call asking if he can go ahead. I made one definite line with him: If he breaks one more promise or my trust one more time, he can't do lingerieshoots anymore (and i hold the key to the place he uses for all those and his studioshoots, long story, but it's somewhere i own and let him use)
And, as always, he shows me all the pics he took from every shoot - that's something i asked for and he was prefectly ok with - we often talk about them and generally when he shows them it's a pleasant time between us.

Professional counseling, for reasons i don't want to go into here, is out of the question for now.

[Aislin]

PM an article that might help.

[blas]

I just want to state, for the record, that loopholes and something I especially hate, which I call "Selective Honesty", if they are used like that, indicate that person thinks they aren't doing anything wrong and you have no right or business in it.

Just comes from experience, and it sucks

*hugs*