A different jealousy issue

[Seshat]

What worked for me was

'I know you feel horrible. I know you believe there is no hope for improvement. People who are depressed believe that - truly believe that. It's a delusion the brain plays on you. Right now, you can't trust your own brain, so please .. trust mine?'

At a point where my delusions were faded, I made a short list of people whose decisions I would trust when I was delusional. I might hate leaving the house when they tell me I need to. I often need to go cuddling a stuffed toy, and sometimes doped up on anti-anxiety pills. But I KNOW I can't trust me. So I trust them.

[BlaqueKatt]

I honestly do not believe she is an abuser. I grew up in a family full of emotional abusers, and I don't think any of them could have hidden it for 7 years.

my soon-to-be-ex husband did. And because of that I also denied it was possible.

[mathnerd]

I'm going to be a bit unpopular, but I normally am, so whatever.

What your wife is doing to you is emotional ABUSE, NOT DEPRESSION AND IT IS NOT OK!

Depression is not an excuse for abusive behavior,It does not cause abusive behaviour. I hate to say but if Gerrison was a female experiencing these issues I'd be willing to be the responses would be quite different. (when I was going through very similar issues, I was constantly being told to "leave him", and "he's abusive", even though he WAS in therapy, AND on meds.)

Signs of emotional abuse



And if I try to watch a show that I actually like, she sits there and complains through the show

Check


It appears that now we are married, I should no longer have any interest in going out to dinner with my wife. Or going to the occasional movie. Or even wanting to spend time out with my friends - once a week, I game with the guys the way I've been doing for the last decade. That also leads to whining about how I'm 'abandoning' her.

Check


She will accuse me of wanting to date other women
he claims me chasing other women is the problem and only I can fix that.

Double check



Cue more pouting and crying.

yup another check


is the quote necessary here or have I made my point?

Your wife is an abuser. Full stop. Get help. full stop. She will not change, abusers don't reveal who they really are until their victim has too much invested in the relationship to leave. She meets every single criteria for an emotional abuser like a checklist-DEPRESSION DOES NOT DO THAT!

Please, for yourself, seek help.

Would you say the same thing if the behavior was caused by a brain tumor? Brain tumors, like depression, can cause the patient to display violent and abusive behavior. Not in all patients, of course, but it is a potential side effect.

If the OP's wife is indeed clinically depressed, she needs medical help and support, not judgement. And again, while I'm not a doctor, I am a person with severe clinical depression, and everything in the OP screams out "depression".

[Dave1982]

Alright folks, enough with the bickering and confrontational posts. For Gerrison's sake I'd rather not have to close this thread. Any more and infractions will be issued. Stick to giving advice. Disagreeing is fine, but multiple posts have crossed the line.

[BlaqueKatt]

And again, while I'm not a doctor, I am a person with severe clinical depression

as am I. There is no excuse for abuse. full stop.

People in abusive relationships need to get help for themselves to deal with the issues it causes, regardless of the abusive partner's intent.

My soon-to-be ex-husband almost choked me to death during a psychotic episode, his abuse due to his mental illness caused my depression(which had been almost non-existent for at least 10 years) to resurface to near-suicidal levels, within a few weeks.

I had to seek help for myself, and eventually leave because he refuses to admit anything is wrong. It may be the depression/mental illness causing him to make that decision, but it's still his choice, I can't force him to get help, and I will not suffer his treatment of me because "it's not his fault".

I love him to death, but I love myself more.

10 ways to help yourself when your partner is depressed

[Sapphire Silk]

My take on this is Gerrison's wife is both depressed and an emotional abuse.

It is quite possible to be both, folks.

Gerrison, you MUST get yourself and your wife into marriage counseling. If she will not go, then you must go on your own. Encourage her to seek help for her emotional issues.

Marriage is work. Hard work. Both parties must work at it. It sounds like you're putting your end in. She's not (of course, my opinion is biased since I haven't heard from her). If she can't hold up her end, the relationship may need to end.

If she has a real mental health issue, then she needs treatment. If she gets it, there's hope for the relationship. If she refuses, there may not be. You have a right to your own happiness.

But you need to take a dual approach: seek help for a mental health issue, and seek marriage counseling. If you fix the one and not the other, things will not improve.

Good luck.

[Pixilated]

Go for counselling. If you can get her to go as well (either marriage counselling or individual counselling or both), that's great. But if not, then YOU go by yourself (regardless of any guilt-tripping or blackmailing "You're just going to see other women!!!" attempts).

The first thing I thought of after reading your post was a comment by either the original Ann Landers or Dear Abby: Counselling will help you deal with your home situation, and it may give you ideas on how to break through the wall your wife has put up. But it will also help you decide (if necessary) how long you are willing to continue to put up with this. Your wife may indeed need help, but the only one who can get her off the couch and into somebody's office is her.

[Gerrinson]

So, we've talked a bit, my wife is now on anti-depressants and we actually went out to a nice sit down dinner tonight. Steps in the right direction, I think. Thank you all for you advice and support!

[Pixilated]

Congrats to both of you ... glad to hear things are looking up!

[Barracuda]

Go see a therapist together, now. She may only have depression, but quite frankly, it sounds like there is a possibility she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. (IANA psychiatrist or psychologist, btw.) Look up the symptoms for BPD. If she does have it, she needs treatment and medication. Heck, even if all she has is plain ol' depression she needs treatment and medication.

[crazylegs]

Go see a therapist together, now. She may only have depression, but quite frankly, it sounds like there is a possibility she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. (IANA psychiatrist or psychologist, btw.) Look up the symptoms for BPD. If she does have it, she needs treatment and medication. Heck, even if all she has is plain ol' depression she needs treatment and medication.

I would imagine the Dr who prescribed the meds is in a better position to diagnose the condition and has considered all appropriate differential diagnoses.

[Librarian]

So, we've talked a bit, my wife is now on anti-depressants and we actually went out to a nice sit down dinner tonight. Steps in the right direction, I think. Thank you all for you advice and support!

I'm very happy to hear that Wishing you both the best of luck together and sending some good vibes your way

[Sapphire Silk]

Go see a therapist together, now. She may only have depression, but quite frankly, it sounds like there is a possibility she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. (IANA psychiatrist or psychologist, btw.) Look up the symptoms for BPD. If she does have it, she needs treatment and medication. Heck, even if all she has is plain ol' depression she needs treatment and medication.

Borderline personality is very hard to accurately diagnose and should never be diagnosed on a single visit.