...grief advice?

[Seraph]

My grandmother passed away late last month, and after not dealing well with it at the funeral, I haven't had any...emotional outbreaks since. But I can feel like...well, I guess I could describe it as cracks. Thinking on it at all is problematic to say the least.

Any advice? Sorry this is short, again, not trying to dwell, but I don't know what to do.

[ArcticChicken]

You will need:
A safe, comfy, place
Someone to talk with and to hold you, someone you trust
A lot of tissues
A trash can or bag to put the tissues in
Possibly a cuddly blanket, or a stuffed animal

Procedure:
Get comfy
Start talking about your grandmother, just remember her, tell stories
Cry when you need to, until you can't cry anymore - or yell, rant, whatever you need
Talk some more
Cry some more
Repeat until you are out of time, or too exhausted to continue
Get the person you are with to distract you somehow - Personally, I like really tasteless jokes, or math problems. Maybe some topic you are passionate about, and can speak on at length, just something to force your brain on to a different track.

Repeat as needed.

[csquared]

Everyone has different ways to grieve. My Mom passed away earlier this year. I kinda feel the same way you do. Mainly because I really "lost her" last year when her dementia took a nose dive. It is more of a relief that she has passed.

Give ArticChicken's suggestion a try. It certainly can't hurt. However, I might suggest adding some ice cream, but that is just me.

[Seraph]

Thank you guys...will probably try Arctic's advice. Just gotta wait until I get a break. (Kind of...buried myself in work. Intentionally. And now there's a nice backlog)

[Sheldonrs]

If you don't have the time to have a friend over yet, sometimes just watching a good, sad movie will get the catharsis started. A good cry can be a huge relief.

[MoonCat]

You may have to give yourself time to get to the point where you can let it out. I had to do that when my brother passed away. Sometimes music helps. There was one night that I spent sitting at my computer, playing some dumb game, listening to songs that made me cry. This was months after he passed.

Listen to your body and your emotions, they'll give you cues. When you need to grieve, let it happen. And if anyone tells you that you should "get over it" or whatever, get away from them. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way.

[CoffeeMonkey]

First: my condolences.

If you don't have the time to have a friend over yet, sometimes just watching a good, sad movie will get the catharsis started. A good cry can be a huge relief.

For me, it's touching, moving, beautiful, emotionally powerful things etc that get me going.

I don't post this lightly, as it does deal with death, and it might hit a little too close to home. But it never fails to move my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Zzfdlxjx4Y

A portion of Jim Henson's memorial.

[Seshat]

The book "Coping with Grief" was a major help to me when my grandmother died. I know it may not be as easy to get overseas as it is in Australia, but it was so helpful to me that I recommend it every time the topic comes up.


My doctor at the time told me that when you are bereaved, your brain gives you a kind of numbness for the first six weeks or so.


Grief is a difficult emotion to handle, I know.

Creative outlets can be very helpful; draw or paint your grief. It doesn't matter how artistically 'good' or 'bad' it is, it's your grief, and it's the act of painting it out that matters.
Similarly, music, writing, dance - anything creative.
More physical things can help as well; some people enjoy exercise. Others find relief in other physical things: kneading dough or clay, beating up on pillows or punching bags.

ArcticChicken's advice is also good.


Another thing to remember: whatever your emotion is, it's fine. It's valid. Sometimes you can tend to 'self-efit' your emotions (eg 'it's stupid to feel this way'). But try to stop yourself from doing that, if you can. Your emotions are valid.

[Sapphire Silk]

My grandmother passed away late last month, and after not dealing well with it at the funeral, I haven't had any...emotional outbreaks since. But I can feel like...well, I guess I could describe it as cracks. Thinking on it at all is problematic to say the least.

Any advice? Sorry this is short, again, not trying to dwell, but I don't know what to do.

It's OK. Everyone responds to loss differently, and at their own pace.

Arctic chicken had some good suggestions. Seek the assistance of your pastor, if you have one.

Don't force the feelings away. Let them come out in a controlled way. If once you do, they start impacting your ability to function seek out a grief counselor.

Check out the hospice in your local area. They may offer free services for the recently bereaved, even if your grandmother wasn't a hospice patient. Mine does as part of its non-profit mission.

[Seshat]

If your grief affects your ability to function, seek help.

If this is your first encounter with serious grief, it can be hard to know what's 'okay' and what isn't. Professional, grief-trained help can be useful here: Sapphire Silk's suggestion to seek out help at a hospice is good.

Both Hospice and Palliative Care nurses, social workers and other specialists are very familiar with the nature of grief and the stages of grief, and how it affects people. Any such specialist is likely to be able to either help you, or refer you to someone who can.

Some religious personnel are counselling-trained: my parents' pastor was brilliant at it. (Lutheran.) If you have someone like that in your community, they are likely to be happy to monitor your progress and provide talking therapy if you need it.

[Seraph]

Check out the hospice in your local area. They may offer free services for the recently bereaved, even if your grandmother wasn't a hospice patient. Mine does as part of its non-profit mission.

She was. Its what made it very hard, I was unable to visit her while she was in there. I got sick, and then right at the end, when I got the call that a minister was on his way...we got hit with a snowstorm that prevented us from leaving. I never got to say goodbye.

aaaand stopping there.

If your grief affects your ability to function, seek help.

If this is your first encounter with serious grief, it can be hard to know what's 'okay' and what isn't. Professional, grief-trained help can be useful here: Sapphire Silk's suggestion to seek out help at a hospice is good.

Both Hospice and Palliative Care nurses, social workers and other specialists are very familiar with the nature of grief and the stages of grief, and how it affects people. Any such specialist is likely to be able to either help you, or refer you to someone who can.

Some religious personnel are counselling-trained: my parents' pastor was brilliant at it. (Lutheran.) If you have someone like that in your community, they are likely to be happy to monitor your progress and provide talking therapy if you need it.

I'm doing decently at functioning....did not do so well for the past couple of months though, and if I let it slip, darn skippy I'm useless. I've got a lot of catchup to do around the house, and frankly, on myself. I....just kind of became a nonmoving lump. Couldn't bring myself to do much of anything.

On a side note....you mentioned hospice nurse. The one who took care of Grandy before the end...she was amazing. She would hold up the phone for me so I could talk to her, because she was too tired.

aaaand stopping there too. sorry. its hard to talk about.

[Kanalah]

/hugs

/big biiiig hugs

[Seshat]

The 'nonmoving lump' stage is what depression feels like; or at least some forms of depression (depression varies). The fact that you've come out of that is a good sign for your grief progress.

No, you weren't depressed; just in deep grief. Grief and depression can seem similar, the difference is that grief is a normal response to a circumstance and depression .. isn't.

Don't worry about the fact that you haven't caught up yet. If you're eating well enough (nutritionally), and not living in squalor, be forgiving of yourself. If your dirty clothes are in a heap instead of a basket, your clean clothes mostly put away (but some are on top of the dresser instead of in it), your kitchen table has last week's newspaper still on it, too bad. Nothing's being hurt or damaged by that.
If you have actual hygeine, health, or 'stuff is being damaged' issues, ask friends for help. Heck, maybe one of us who lives close-ish too you can help. (I would, but neither of us can afford the air fare.)


Do call the hospice nurse who took care of Grandy, and tell her you're not comfortable with how your grief is progressing. Ask if she knows of a colleague or a service that covers your area and is within your budget who can help you.
Be prepared for her to be with a patient when you call her, and need to call you back. But in my experience, hospice people know that the family is also their patients, and the family's grief extends beyond the time their primary patient is with them.

[Sapphire Silk]

You definitely should contact the hospice, then. They are well placed to help you grieve in a healthful way.

[Seshat]

And yes, don't worry that it's currently too hard to talk about. Grief has stages, and takes time. Eventually, it'll stop hurting this much.

I'm not going to lie to you: I still hurt sometimes when I realise my Nan isn't here, and I still dream about her, and then wake and remember, and .. it hurts.

But I can also remember Nan and be happy about it. And I display some of the things I have of hers, where I can see them. And I can talk about her and be grateful for the time I did have with her.

I firmly believe that your grief will eventually reach this stage as well. It just ... takes time, and maybe a bit of help from friends or professionals.