Wow...disturbing mama drama...

[Seshat]

SS is right: one of the first steps an abuser does is separate their victim from family and friends.

This is a really rough problem. You have children to protect, you have a mother to protect. And measures necessary to help one directly contradict measures for protecting the other.


It's beyond what I can sanely offer advice on: I think at this point you genuinely need professional help. Maybe there's a social worker at this guy's prison who can either counsel you, or direct you to an appropriate source.

I don't even really know where to find the right professionals.

[bhskittykatt]

It's beyond what I can sanely offer advice on: I think at this point you genuinely need professional help. Maybe there's a social worker at this guy's prison who can either counsel you, or direct you to an appropriate source.

I don't even really know where to find the right professionals.

In addition to the prison, maybe check with local law enforcement to see if they can link you to the right resources? I bet they have some ideas.

[BearLeeBadenaugh]

How did she wind up hooking up with her pen pal? In my short googling re prison penpals, only some of the sites frown upon the dating aspect of it, writeaprisoner does their own background checks and prohibits dating profiles, for example.

Here's an interesting article on the topic of scams ran by prisoner pen pals. http://terrybdavis.hubpages.com/hub/...t-Inmates-Play



One thing I might suggest would be to hire a private investigator in the state of his conviction/incarceration. Most any PI should be able to compile an offense report and get a decent background check on the subject. Will it help? I dunno, depends on how truthful he's been, what things haven't been said, etc.

One other point of interest is that being prison correspondence, there's no way for them to use false identities, outgoing mail has to be their full name, no nicknames allowed. As such, you should be able to look him up on google, news sites, and any court access sites and the like.

Not sure if any of that will give you more fuel for lighting a fire under mom in regards to getting rid of her pal, but some points to ponder.

[Tama]

At this point it doesn't look like her mum will much care, he seems to have convinced her that everything is trumped up/he's a victim...wah wah...

[Sapphire Silk]

Here's an interesting article on the topic of scams ran by prisoner pen pals. http://terrybdavis.hubpages.com/hub/...t-Inmates-Play

A great article for the mom to read.

One other point of interest is that being prison correspondence, there's no way for them to use false identities, outgoing mail has to be their full name, no nicknames allowed.

They also have to use their inmate number on all outgoing mail.

At this point it doesn't look like her mum will much care, he seems to have convinced her that everything is trumped up/he's a victim...wah wah...

Typical inmate behavior. There are innocent people in prison, but most are guilty as sin.

The details of the crime are public record. They would be easy to investigate on your own for minimal cost, just check with the county court where he was tried, or google news accounts of the trial.

[mjr]

Thanks everyone for all the comments!

I've been corresponding back and forth with my sister on this matter (she's actually the one who brought it to my attention).

Here's a bit of an update.

My sister got one of our aunts somewhat involved in trying to stop this lunacy. My sister set up a quasi-intervention at my aunt's house.

My aunt asked her (my mother) what she was doing toward the end of August/early September, and my mother was very dodgy with her answer. My sister told me that later on our mother told her she'd already purchased a plane ticket and (for some unknown reason) couldn't get her money back.

Our mother hemmed and hawed, also, when our aunt asked her straight up "Do you love him?"

Sis also tells me that she had a text "conversation" with our mom that basically went something like this (paraphrased):

Sis: You told (aunt) that you're not moving him here. So are you not marrying him?

Mom: Why? Are you not going to associate with me if I do?

Sis: I'll still talk to you, but he's not welcome, we won't be going to your house, and our kids won't be around him.

-------------

So my niece has a birthday party coming up this weekend. My sister (and aunt, I believe) are going to talk to her again. My sister still thinks she's going to do what she wants.

Sis also told me that she's removing our mother as the "emergency contact" at her daughter's school. So sayeth my sister: "If she's thinking about a decision like this, I don't want her making decisions for my daughter".

And she's right.

My sister is also planning on laying all this stuff out in a letter to my mother (as well as some additional thoughts). Though she's not going to send it, because she doesn't want the guy in prison getting a copy of it. So my sister said she's probably going to read it to our mother over the phone.

I told my sister I see this as a "no win", and here's why:

1. If our mother marries this guy, nobody's going to come around, and that's going to upset her (and possibly prison-boy), and cast blame on the family (being judgy, etc.).

2. If she doesn't, she can cast blame on "the family" for not letting her do it, and so now she's unhappy and we have to be unhappy, too.

My sister also said that she might tell our mother that if she's going to make such a poor decision, she might as well move to where the guy is incarcerated, because that's all she's going to have.

So that's where everything is at this point.

[mjr]

To address some of your points:

He will probably leave prison on parole.

To the best of my knowledge, his sentence is up in 2017. I don't know what happens after that. I don't know if parole officers are involved or not.

How is she mentally? Is she over 65? Any evidence of mental issues that would affect her competency?

I really don't know how she is mentally, though my wife (who is NOT a doctor) thinks she might suffer from NPD. Next year she'll be 58.

Someone asked how she could have met this guy.

I don't know all the details, but to the best of my knowledge and recollection, she met him through his sister. My mother used to do a lot of "chatting" online, and I guess she somewhat "befriended" this lady. I guess they started corresponding, and went from there.

[Sapphire Silk]

To the best of my knowledge, his sentence is up in 2017. I don't know what happens after that. I don't know if parole officers are involved or not.

Oh, good Lord. If that's his max out date, then this is another red flag. When an inmate "maxes out" or does all the time on his sentence it's either because there is no parole in that state, or because every time he went up for parole it was denied.

Parole is denied if you get too many disciplinary write ups, or if you aren't sorry for what you did, and have no plans to turn your life around when you get out. If he's getting out because he wasn't granted parole and maxed out, this is a very bad thing.

I really don't know how she is mentally, though my wife (who is NOT a doctor) thinks she might suffer from NPD. Next year she'll be 58.

Sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. But I'm not a doctor either and haven't examined her. Making diagnoses is tricky stuff. She should see a mental health professional if she is so determined to be with a guy she's never met that she's willing to sacrifice her relationships with her family to do it. However, that's not the kind of thing that gets you declared incompetent by the court.

She may have to just learn the hard way: when she comes home one day to find her house and her life savings cleaned out, and her car gone. That's what happened to the wife of a good friend's brother. Everyone in the family told her this guy was a sociopath, but she thought she could fix him. He took her for everything she had and left for another state to live with his next victim. She couldn't even go after him for the car; they were married and the car was marital property.

[mjr]

When an inmate "maxes out" or does all the time on his sentence it's either because there is no parole in that state, or because every time he went up for parole it was denied.

I checked. I don't want to go into too much detail, but the state where he is incarcerated did away with parole for felons in 1995, I believe.

She should see a mental health professional if she is so determined to be with a guy she's never met that she's willing to sacrifice her relationships with her family to do it.

Unfortunately, this seems like what happens with alcoholism. Many alcoholics say "I don't have a problem". Because in their mind they don't. That's often why the first step in many recovery programs is admitting that one DOES have a problem.

At this point, though, I'm not sure we could get her to admit she has a problem.

She may have to just learn the hard way:

Unfortunately, my family and my sister's family think this might be the case. I've been discussing this with my wife, too. My wife is convinced that he (prison boy) has no feelings for my mother whatsoever, and he's just doing this to take advantage of her. And to tell you the truth, I'm buying what she's (my wife) selling.

[Seshat]

Sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. But I'm not a doctor either and haven't examined her. Making diagnoses is tricky stuff.

Very tricky. I'm listed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The psychiatrist examined me for one session, less than an hour, and didn't take my physical disabilities into account.

Yes, I DO often get my family to do physical things for me. Funny about that.

[Sapphire Silk]

Very tricky. I'm listed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The psychiatrist examined me for one session, less than an hour, and didn't take my physical disabilities into account.

Yes, I DO often get my family to do physical things for me. Funny about that.

You have to be very careful when you diagnose someone with a personality disorder. Unless it is glaringly obvious . . . meaning they meet all or all most all of the criteria of the disorder, they should be evaluated over several sessions.

If you only meet one or two criteria you do not have NPD.

Some doctors pick pet diagnoses and like to slap them on everyone. That's why we have so many kids diagnosed with ADHD who are just active.

[Tama]

Or just bored in class because they're already doing A+ easy.

[morgana]

comes home one day to find her house and her life savings cleaned out, and her car gone.

Happened to someone I knew, as well. I sure hope you can head your mother off this, mjr.

[mjr]

Ok, update...

I've been conversing back and forth with my sister via email. Her answers have gotten quite terse when it comes to this subject, so I asked her if anything was wrong, her reply was (paraphrasing): "She's being stupid, and I'm tired of dealing with it, but will probably have to forever."

She also said that our mother has "thought about" what my sister brought up, but didn't say either way whether she was still going or not.

Additionally, my sister and her husband are in law enforcement, and they're concerned that if my mother does this, it could affect them as far as future employment prospects.

[MoonCat]

Well, everyone in your family has made your views clear to your mom. I think at this point you might want to consider just backing away and don't say anymore. If you come down against it any harder you may push her right into his arms, because she's going to dig in and decide her kids aren't going to tell her what to do, even if she herself is having doubts (which she probably won't admit to). People will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid having to admit that they were wrong and someone else was right.