How to deal with my grandmother?

[Aragarthiel]

I've recently had some really bad things happen in my life- I can't go into detail but it's put me in the middle of a mental health crisis that I'm trying to get treatment for. The holdup is with the clinic I'm going to, they managed to diagnose me as bipolar with my most recent episode as depressive (which confuses me because I've been nothing but depressed for several months with no signs of any manic episodes that would signal bipolar, but that's a point for another day), and generalized anxiety. I'm supposed to be medicated for it soon but as a state-funded clinic, it can take a while to get an appointment and they want several appointments for different things before they can medicate me. So right now, I'm trying to take care of myself.

My problem is my grandmother. I had to move back in with my grandparents and have absolutely nowhere else to go. My grandmother and I have never gotten along well but right now she's keeping me from taking care of my mental health the way I need to. She's one of the "suck it up, we didn't have anxiety in my day" variety, and because she worked in the medical field her whole life before retiring, she thinks she knows better than I do when it comes to my mental health.

Here's an example: my anxiety over the recent bad things is keeping me from sleeping well at night. I went to take a nap so that maybe I can focus when I go to class tonight, but she walked right into my room and told me, "Don't sleep during the day! You won't sleep at night!" So in other words, I need caffeine to get me through class. But wait! Caffeine makes me anxious, and she knows this! And being more anxious means I won't sleep, but of course, she knows best and it's her house that I'm living in until I can get out on my own again, so I have to do what she says.

My grandpa would normally be here to talk to her about that kind of thing, he's a bit more logical and understanding (despite thinking I'm using my anxiety as an excuse to get out of things when I'm not), but he just left for a week-long vacation last night. Meaning I'm stuck with this witch (with a capital B) until next week.

I'm not allowed to nap, I'm not allowed to talk to my best friend (he's been incredibly supportive and knows the entire situation so he's a very valuable resource and my only support system right now), I'm not allowed to eat anything but the crap they eat and they're both on special diets that don't meet my dietary needs (let alone my mental health needs, a little comfort food like mac and cheese once in a while never hurt), I even have my own mandatory bedtime and wake-up time.

And let's remember, I am an adult who is married with a child.

I have nowhere else to go and I can't tell this woman off. I can't show her what being so depressed and anxious are doing to me because she'll tell me "It doesn't work that way." It's making things worse for me and I can't find a way to help myself recover from everything that's happened recently.

Would anyone happen to have any advice on how to deal with her? I can't take a full week of this let alone the months or even years it might take me to get out on my own.

[KuariKaydrith]

Being diagnosed as bipolar does not always mean that you'd have manic moments - there is bipolar II that is marked as not having the extreme mania that is commonly associated with being bipolar. Instead you have a periods of deep depression with periods of hypomania. You still have the mood cycles, but the 'up' moods are nowhere near as intense or manic as bipolar I. This is what I have been diagnosed with, as well as an anxiety disorder.

All I can really suggest is to stay away from your grandmother and realize that whatever is coming out of her mouth is out-dated crap, and that she will likely never understand what you are going through. Try to let it slide over you and not get to you. I know it's difficult as the anxiety can exaggerate even the smallest thing in your mind and that can trigger a low.

It's really too bad that your doctor can't start you on a course of anti-depressants to help bring your mood up a bit. They've already diagnosed you so I can't see what the hold-up is, tbh. Keep in mind as well that it may take a few tries to find what works best for you. I've been on a few different things to try to see what I respond best to, and that is completely normal.

[April]

I guess I'm the type of person who would print out all the updated information that I can find about mental health, from upstanding, well documented sources (IE, not Wikipedia) and leave it lying on the kitchen counter.

Can you put a hook an eye on the inside of your bedroom door to keep her from walking in?

Call your doctor and ask if there are samples you can take while you're waiting for whatever funding or whatever to come though. Look into other things. My state has TLC Pharmacy, which provides medications for a copayment of 15 dollars a year, for low income people. There are also, a lot of times, faith based clinics that run on volunteers (Faith based, as in put on by Catholic charities and stuff. Not faith healing) that may be able to get you at least samples.

[Aragarthiel]

Being diagnosed as bipolar does not always mean that you'd have manic moments - there is bipolar II that is marked as not having the extreme mania that is commonly associated with being bipolar.

I'm looking at the paperwork I was given and it says "Mild bipolar I disorder, current or most recent episode depressed."

Can you put a hook an eye on the inside of your bedroom door to keep her from walking in?

Even if I could afford it, they would never let me put the holes in the door/wall, and my bedroom is also my grandpa's office so I can't lock him out of there. At least he knocks if the door's closed though.

The hold-up with the meds seems to be with some blood work that I need done. They've described it as a drug test and as "labs" and I'm not allowed to eat for 12 hours beforehand so I'm not actually sure what it's for, but I was supposed to have it done on Tuesday. I didn't eat, went in, the nurse took my vital signs, then we went and sat in an office for an hour and a half discussing my medical history and my current mental state. I'm not sure she even knew I needed blood drawn. They didn't have another opening for me until May 11th and that's if I don't end up having to reschedule.

[Sapphire Silk]

The hold-up with the meds seems to be with some blood work that I need done. They've described it as a drug test and as "labs" and I'm not allowed to eat for 12 hours beforehand so I'm not actually sure what it's for, but I was supposed to have it done on Tuesday. I didn't eat, went in, the nurse took my vital signs, then we went and sat in an office for an hour and a half discussing my medical history and my current mental state. I'm not sure she even knew I needed blood drawn. They didn't have another opening for me until May 11th and that's if I don't end up having to reschedule.

Next time you go in to have blood drawn and they don't do it SAY SOMETHING BEFORE YOU LEAVE! These workers are human beings and mistakes get made. If you say, "Say, I was supposed to have blood drawn today, and I fasted like I was told to," they will understand, be apologetic, and get it done before you go.

Many of the drugs used to treat bi polar disorder, like lithium, tegretol, and depakote, have problems with toxicity. They probably want to make sure your baseline electrolytes and metabolic functions are normal. The baseline is crucial to safe prescriptive practices. So it is very important you get that blood work done, and get any follow up blood work to check your levels done as well. Many of these drugs have what we call a "narrow therapeutic window." Meaning it's a short gap between ineffective and effective, and effective and toxic.

But properly managed, these drugs will bring your symptoms under control and allow you to move forward with your mental health treatment and to a place where you can find somewhere else to live.

I'd start looking actually. See if you can get in with a social worker who can hook you up with access to affordable housing. Apply for disability. Does your husband work? It shouldn't affect your disability but any income can move you towards getting a place of your own.

This woman is toxic. You've got to get away from her.

[iradney]

Worked in the medical field? That is a VAST field. Unless her field had anything to do with mental health, she knows nothing about your situation. That's like someone who works on hybrid cars assuming that they know everything about how to service a Lear jet.

I know it'll be like talking to a wall, but maybe remind her that "in her day", breast cancer was considered an old woman's disease and that women below the age of 40 weren't considered at risk. And remind her that the beauty of the medical field is that it is constantly advancing and improving - what was the norm "back then" (like leeches in victorian ages as a treatment for damn near everything) is not the norm now thanks to new knowledge.

There is nothing wrong with telling your grandma "Gran, I'm an adult. I'm following the directives of MY DOCTOR who tells me I HAVE TO DO THIS. You are not my doctor, so you have no say in what I do to control MY health. Ok love you bye."

Of course, she might not listen.

[Aragarthiel]

Many of the drugs used to treat bi polar disorder, like lithium, tegretol, and depakote, have problems with toxicity. They probably want to make sure your baseline electrolytes and metabolic functions are normal.

That makes sense now that you explain it- but the last time I was put on drugs for this, I don't remember having blood drawn before I started on them. My psychiatrist just handed me a bunch of sample packs and said "Here, take these once a day."

Worked in the medical field? That is a VAST field. Unless her field had anything to do with mental health, she knows nothing about your situation.

She was a lab tech, so no, she wouldn't know anything. She just thinks she does.

I discussed this situation with my mom a few days ago. I wasn't expecting her to but she emailed my grandpa and explained how hard it is for me to deal with everything. He talked to my grandma and told her to lay off for a couple days. In that time, I've had a chance to catch up a bit on sleep and I've had the decompression time I needed. I'm still not 100%, but that's more a result of my situation (the one I can't go into detail about) than anything. Things will be happening tomorrow as well and while I don't think I'm ready, I'm not sure I ever will be so I'm just going to get it over with. Then things will hopefully start to get a bit better.

[iradney]

*HUGS* good luck for tomorrow. Will be holding and crossing everything.

[wolfie]

Your grandmother sounds like the type to kick you out on the street if, in the event of a conflict, you follow your doctor's instructions instead of hers. While such laws tend to be abused ("Twilard saga" on reddit), some jurisdictions have legal protection if you've lived there for a specified amount of time, or if it's your mailing address for certain types of documents (regardless of duration of residency). You might want to check into what your jurisdiction has to say about this. Could save you from being tossed out on the street with nowhere to go.

[Aragarthiel]

Today wasn't as bad as I expected. In order to explain why, I do have to say that the really bad things that happened involved an abusive husband and pretty nasty legal issues. Fortunately, my husband is in therapy and seems incredibly willing to do better- he's watching his language, he joined a gym, and since he's handling things alone now he can see why I got overwhelmed living with him (between school, cleaning, and our daughter, I wasn't getting even close to enough sleep and that just made things worse). He wants me to come home and while I would like to, especially seeing how much improvement he's made in just a few weeks, I told him I wanted to talk it over with my therapist first.

It's actually looking hopeful on that front. We spent the better part of six hours talking and he's willing to admit what he did wrong, he's working on it the best he can right now. I actually feel like my physical health would be in better shape there than my mental health would be if I stayed here. In other words- it would be better for me if I did go home.

Still going to talk it over with the therapist though.

[AnaKhouri]

Absolutely talk to your therapist about this. If your husband was abusive, a few weeks of doing better doesn't seem like proof he's changed for good. Abusers are really good at acting like they've changed their tune, only to go back to how they were once they get what they want.

[Aragarthiel]

I know that, and that's why I'm not willing to go back immediately. It actually seems that he's further along in his therapy than I am (despite starting at about the same time) and we're looking at family counseling once his therapist thinks he's ready for that, and it's reassuring to know he's willing to try. I know a lot of abusers wouldn't even bother, so I want to give him a chance. He knows now though that I'll leave if it happens again, and won't come back.

[Sapphire Silk]

That makes sense now that you explain it- but the last time I was put on drugs for this, I don't remember having blood drawn before I started on them. My psychiatrist just handed me a bunch of sample packs and said "Here, take these once a day."

Most of the bipolar drugs have been in generic for years, so if you got sample packs it was probably an SSRI, which only treats depression not mania. Most of those don't require blood level monitoring. And they really don't do shit for type 1 bipolar because of the mania. You may have been misdiagnosed earlier.

He wants me to come home and while I would like to, especially seeing how much improvement he's made in just a few weeks, I told him I wanted to talk it over with my therapist first.

Definately do that. Domestic abuse is a serious issue, and most abusers really don't change their spots, especially not this quickly.

It's possible he can change, but he needs to prove it is a long term change. That means months, not weeks, at a minimum.

Try not to jump from the frying pan into the fire.

[Seshat]

He knows now though that I'll leave if it happens again, and won't come back.

If you go back, he'll know that while you might leave (or try to leave) if it happens again, all he has to do is attend therapy and make surface improvements, and you'll go back.

He might be one of the small percentage of abusers who do genuinely learn and change; he might not be. I don't know. But look at it with cynical eyes, please.

[Aragarthiel]

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to totally trust him again, I think I'll always be afraid of him going back to the way he was, so I'm not planning to jump right into this. It helps me to know that if things do go bad again, I have something to fall back on (I didn't think I did before which is why I stayed so long), but I do think he's genuinely trying to change. Through our talks I've seen that he knows exactly what he did wrong and he's trying very hard to listen to his therapist, so I do have hope for him.

Here's an example. He used to have pretty serious road rage problems. He'd cuss and yell every time someone cut him off or tried to pass him, and it wasn't very fun driving around with him. We went out yesterday and he started to cuss at someone who nearly sideswiped us trying to merge into our lane. I "hey"-ed at him, and he took a deep breath and told me, "You're right, I'm sorry." I was surprised, because he usually would have turned the verbal lashing onto me. So not only did he rein in his anger, he apologized for having a momentary slip. I know it's still early but it's little things like that that give me hope.