I'm not even worth it.

[Squeaksmyalias]

I don't know if this will be read, not many of my threads get attention my writing style sucks. It's ok, I just need to write it.

I've been down a lot lately, I've gotten better but it's hard since I have a bit of a social anxiety and depression. The friends I do have around haven't had time for me and the one who does lives too far away to spend time with.

My best friend lives two blocks away and it's like I'm not even worth her time anymore she is too busy going out and having a great time with others. She has a boyfriend now so I rarely get to see her and when we do text it's like I'm just a replacement or there to make her feel better.

I admitted to her a month back when I was really depressed that I was having dark thoughts again and didn't want to live. She told me she would talk to my parents, she knows it's really hard for me to do since I dont want to upset them. Insisted she was going too and I told her I didn't care, I honestly didn't I didn't want to live so what did it matter to me if she told them.

I realize now that maybe she had better things to do and I was just in the way, she was saying it just to shut me up or scare me into not feeling that way. I got home from work later after she had said she would talk to them and heard nothing from my parents. She was having a special night with her boyfriend and her family and was
nervous so I guess she didn't have time to talk to them.

I didn't really talk to anyone for a couple days, four days later she got mad and started to show me how I was treating her while I was online, I wasn't really talking to her that night mostly, yes, no, I guesses. Since I was tired from a long day at work, she asked how I felt being treated like that and I said how upset I was and I was sorry for being such an awful friend lately.

A weekend before she told me that I was attacking her character and she wasn't going to change for anyone when I asked if we could make plans ahead of time since it sucked that I stuck around and didn't do much when I knew she wanted to hang out. She has never been the plan making type, where as I am, I like to at least know what time I'm meeting someone, and it's hard to be the one making the plans all the time. She told me to stop taking my depression out on her.

She didn't talk to my parents to tell them I was depressed and wanting to die, all she asked was if I set up a time to meet with them for her, I told her again that I didn't care either way if she talked to them.

She hasn't brought it up since, maybe I'm not worth saving. I think about it now and I dont get why she waited for me to tell my parents she wanted to talk to them, I live with them now she knows how to reach them. What if I just gave up?
I ended up telling them, it got so bad I gave them knives I have and just broke down crying. It was so hard I could barely talk at all. If I'm not even worth the time to make solid plans with maybe I'm not even worth being around.

I don't want to live where I am anymore, the only ones I have here are my parents, this friend and another both have boyfriends and other friends they hang around with, I guess they outgrew our friendship. I try hard to make new friends but it scares me sometimes. I hate living here so much, I hate my job, I dont even know how you can get so burnt out from dog walking but I am.

I don't have family other then my parents that I'm close to, the one aunt who I was has decided that her new baby nieces are more important. I saw that coming she has always liked little kids more and at 25 I'm not good enough anymore. She even told my parents that I shouldn't expect gifts or cards since she wants to have money to use on the new babies. I don't expect gifts from anyone, you can at least pretend to love me you are my family.

I'm working on therapy again but it's hard since I don't get support, I grew up with a family who is of the 'get over it' attitude my mother doesn't understand why after four appointments I haven't gotten better, I know she loves me and it scares her but I just don't get any support. Only one friend notices when I'm depressed and he isn't even here to notice he can just tell in the way I type. My parents still don't even notice and I stay in their house.

I just feel really alone now.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

=( We're here, and we're listening.

That girl doesn't sound like a very good friend if you ask me and if she was going to talk to your parents then she needs to do it on her own.

[Seshat]

My parents' generation (probably your grandparents' generation) didn't have effective non-addictive psychoactive medication. The only treatments for 'mad people' were talking therapies, sedation, and addictive medications that you develop a tolerance to and thus need more and more of.

If you're of a European (particularly English) -descended culture, such as modern Europe, USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, or South Africa; then 'mad' family members were typically shunted off to a 'retreat' or a 'hospice' or a 'house in the country'; if the family could possibly afford it, and then not spoken of except in whispers.

Milder cases would get valium, or dose themselves with alcohol or cigarettes to silence the internal voices.

Regardless, your parents probably have no idea how to cope, how to provide effective help, or how long it will take you to feel better. I recommend that you talk to your doctor or psych about this problem, and ask for help getting your parents to carer support services.

Similarly, your friends have NO IDEA how you're feeling, or that you need them. Unfortunately, most disabled people - physically as well as mentally - find this same thing happens to them. It's not you. It's not your fault. And unfortunately, there's little you can do to fix it. You can, at best, explain to them, get them info for carer/friend support, and ... get used to the fact that you'll probably have a few,very close friends, rather than a wide network of friends.

Those few, close friends will be worth it, though.

[Magpie]

You're worth it, and we care. Please don't do anything stupid, I refuse to have to lose another friend to illness this year. Message me if you need to, ok?

When we were in high school, a friend of mine was suffering depression. She told me later that I was rather non-helpful in how I reacted. (I wasn't realising exactly what she was saying, and so wasn't really taking her seriously enough). I wouldn't expect you to be able to say anything right now, but she might very well care, and not know how to respond. My friend telling me this helped me respond better to my depressed friend in university.

[Mishi]

I second what everyone else has told you. I haven't been in that headspace for a while now, but I remember how hard it is to explain to friends how you're feeling and how hard it is to make people understand that you're not intentionally being selfish or 'attention-seeking'. I found that falling into books helped stabilise my moods, especially funny books. It's bloody hard to find anything funny when you're depressed, but even on my worst days, Janet Evanovich and Terry Pratchett could elicit a smile and a small laugh.
Maybe you could take the dogs exploring to try and help with the burnt out feeling. I don't know if it would make any difference for you, but I made a point of committing a little random act of kindness whenever I went out. Hope you find something that works for you

[ArcticChicken]

We care. Please remember that we are your friends, and we care about you. It really blows that you're not getting enough support from your family, I know a little of what that's like.

I have been suffering from depression for a long time. I was on meds for a while and it did seem to help, given the way you're feeling I would seriously recommend talking to your counselor about getting a prescription.

I can't always respond immediately right now, but I'd be happy to chat via email or PM, and I can promise a response within 24hrs.

[Mikkel]

Sure we care and read your thread. I have never had a depression, but I can honestly say that I'd rather have cancer all over again than go through what you are going through right now.
PM Magpie and ArticChicken, talking to someone who know exactly how you feel, from having been there, has helped me a lot, I'm sure it will help you too.

[Whiskey]

Your friend sounds like an attention seeking dickhole, honestly. You tell her you're having dark thoughts and feeling poorly and her response is "Yeah, well look at how you make ME feel"?

[non serious] Edit: Punch her in the head and then lament on about how bad she made your fist feel.

edit II: i might be a bit cranky. dealing with something similar, but not really.

[Magpie]

Like I said - I was "that friend". She may honestly not get it. Everyone knows that depression is a really severe illness. It affects your ability to function, makes things difficult. Not everyone knows that people with depression may still fake being healthy quite well. No matter how clear Squeak was, the language is ambiguous enough that if the friend isn't thinking in the right lines to begin with, it's hard to have it sink in. Linguistically speaking, depression is both a mental illness, and a state you get in after something bad happens that will go away in a while.

[Teysa]

Something you might try is talking to the dogs you walk. Tell them everything that's on your mind at the moment. Let all the hurt and sadness and depression out. After you do that see if you can find at least one nice thing on each walk. It could be a pretty flower, an interesting looking tree or maybe a happy child or anything that you would consider nice.

Also, take the time to sit down with your parents and let them know that you do love them and these thoughts you've been having don't mean you've suddenly stopped caring about them. However, you could use their support right now just like you would if you had any other illness. They may not realize that depression is an illness and no more shameful than, as others have said, having diabetes. (Using diabetes since that's also something that you don't 'just get over.') If you explain it to them in those terms it might help.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Solumina]

I know what it is like to be depressed, I also know what it is like to have a loved one who is depressed. Trust me, neither one is easy. I'm going to be perfectly honest and I hope that what I say doesn’t hurt but it may. Just keep in mind that I don't know you or your exact situation I just know how similar situations have played out in my life.

When I was depressed I treated my boyfriend like crap, I treated my roommate like crap, and I treated my best friend like crap. At the time I didn’t realize what I was doing and if it wasn’t for a really nasty fight that I had with my best friend when she was visiting I don’t know as if I ever would have realized it. I was being so selfish and I said some evil things to her, she was going to stay for a week and had a non-refundable train ticket but she left three days early because she couldn’t handle it. After she was gone I cried to my roommate saying “how could my best friend just leave me like that, especially now when I need her the most?”

E looked me straight in the eyes and said “you know how much she loves you and you know that she would do just about anything for you and yet she left, maybe that says more about you right now than about her.”

At first I was shocked and really quite hurt. After all couldn’t she see how much pain I was in? Wasn’t it obvious how much I needed S to be there for me? But I started paying a bit more attention to what I said and I though back on how the visit had gone. I still don’t remember anything except for the first night and the fight. We went to my favorite nature trail, S took me out for lunch, we had dinner with J’s parents and hung out at their place for an evening, S took me out to a movie, hell she even did my laundry for me but I don’t remember those things happening and if it wasn’t for the pictures I wouldn’t have believed that we did any of that stuff. I guess I was just too depressed to take in anything good.

On the flip side I have a friend who has her share of issues. Sometimes she is great, other times not so much. When she is depressed there is really nothing that we can do to get her to even smile. I know that it isn’t her fault and that she needs help and support but I’m only so emotionally healthy myself, I just can’t be around someone like that for very long without starting to slip back into depression. I’ll call or text her when I’m Southside (her side of the water) and see if she wants to join whatever brought me over there but she is never in the mood and wishes that I had called her sooner so cuz right now she has no money for gas and it is too late for her to get a ride. If I offer to go and get her she insists that would be a burden on me and she doesn’t want to ruin my fun. If we have a party or something at our place and invite her she never comes because she “doesn’t want to ruin everyone night”. Sometimes I’m just sick of wasting my time trying to include her and yeah sometimes I know that she would bring me down so no I don’t invite her out as much as I did when she was healthy or as much as I did for the first few months that she suffered from depression. It isn’t because I love her any less than I did back then, I just don’t know what to do and trying so hard with zero results is emotionally draining.

Also I can’t tell you how many times she has called/texted/IMed/whatever telling me that she can’t take it any more, that she doesn’t want to live and that there is nothing here for her. I’m running out of ways to tell her that her friends love her and that even when things seem their worst there is still hope. To be perfectly honest after the first few calls I really did start to resent her for it. How am I supposed to handle that? What if I wasn’t able to talk her out of it? What if that doubt that the world is just such a dark place seeped into my own mind? And then god forbid she actually keep in contact after we talk. I usually have to wait at least a day to find out if she is even still alive. Not to mention I have a job, I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning. I can’t spend all night on the phone with her. Once or twice is one thing but when it happens every couple of weeks I just can’t take it.

I’m not saying that you are a bad person. Depression makes you selfish and it makes you blind to how your actions affect others that is just the nature of the beast. All that you can do it try to be aware of how things come across and a sincere apology (not “I’m sorry I’m a terrible friend” but “I’m sorry for the way that I treated you the other day”) can really go a long way, the same is true of a thank you for when people do reach out. Understand that even when people love you and want to help that they don’t always have the capacity to do so and just as it is not your fault when you are selfish and lash out at them it isn’t their fault when they can’t help you.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Have you considered having your parents come to a therapy session with you? Your doctor can help explain to them what you're going through, and help them understand what they can do to support you better.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Thanks everyone. I was afraid to look to see if anyone posted. Plaidman told me that some people posted, so I talked myself back into looking.

It's hard to get my parents to go, they've kinda backed off when it came to therapy, I have a hard time explaining what I need from them, that's what my friend had said she would do when she talked to them, explain what going to a session with me would accomplish. They just keep telling me that it's my thing, it will help me and haven't tried to go with me. I rarely tell people when I'm feeling that low, I don't call or text or expect anything, my friends have better things to do. The time I did was just one day where I told her, I know how emotionally draining it is and I don't want to make anyone feel that way over me. She still had to deal with me depressed on other days but I didn't want to talk about how depressed I was, but I wasn't really responding to her about the plans she was making with her boyfriend, since I was so tired from being depressed and work. She got mad at me since I'm normally more chatty even if I'm sleepy and I ended up feeling worse for making her mad.

Solumina it's ok, you didn't say anything too harsh. I know what you mean, I tend to be the type that freaks out and doesn't want to say anything to anyone out of fear I might loose people cause I said something awful. I kinda just sit there and try not to cry or say something utterly stupid.

The only time that I can think of that I said anything hurtful was when I told her she didn't understand and listing what works for her wasn't helping. That was when she was saying how I could get a date. It's hard to listen to a tall beautiful girl say how easy it was for her to get a date when I've never been told I'm pretty before. It wasn't fair for me to say it since I know she was just trying to help, but my self-esteem was completely shot at the time and she kept ending things in "but it's so easy! You really need to try it." She has random people tell her how pretty she looks quite often, I've always been the one ignored or called a freak, and other harsh names, the more she said it the worse I felt about myself.

It's not like she doesn't understand, she went through similar, I was the one to call her parents and tried to get to her in time when she tried to commit suicide when we were younger. Now she is going to graduate school for counseling. She is very excited and keeps telling me how she is going to help people and how she always wanted to have a job like that.

She takes everything in an emotional way, if you say something it's taken personally. Like when I said I wish we could make more solid plans and that since she expects that of her boyfriend it would be nice if we could do that too. That's honestly all I said, it's not like I had insulted her or was yelling. I was told I was attacking her character and she isn't going to change for anyone. Because I was depressed at the time I got upset and felt like an awful person and friend, sometimes I wonder if I just expect too much from people. Maybe I am, it's getting to the point where I just want to avoid people since I don't want to screw things up for them or upset them. That's something I hate the most, I hate seeing someone hurt or upset, especially if I'm the cause of it.

I'm really confident at work, my coworkers have even said I'm the last one to get upset or angry, I stay laid back and take care of things. My personal life I'm a complete mess, I don't have much confidence, like I said I've never been told I'm pretty, I've barely been called cute before. I have successful cousins that I hear about all the time and I'm the black sheep with the low paying job, even my art which I'm proud about gets ignored a lot of the time since my cousin is a graphic designer, I listen while he gets encouraged and praised and wonder what's the point. Only a few people encourage me and when they do I don't even know how to react to the attention I really just get confused.

Sorry I'm starting to ramble thanks everyone for trying to help.

[MoonCat]

Yes, depression is an illness, and illnesses can be treated. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Please look in your local phone book yellow pages, or online for your city, under "crisis services" or "mental health services." Don't wait for your friend. You need to do this for yourself. Your city may have a crisis hotline you can call, the people there are trained to help you and they really do care. Many of them have been in the same headspace and they know how it feels. It really can get better, but it can take time. That's fine, you're young, please believe me, you have a great deal to live for.

[Magpie]

Because I have a horrible urge to give advice: Have you tried writing a letter for your parents? Can your counsellor give you a letter of some kind (there might be a pre-prepared one) which explains why parents should come?