I'm not even worth it.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Don't worry Smiley, it wasn't too blunt. That's why I don't want to do anything stupid. I don't want to hurt my parents like that. I love them too much to hurt them, and it would kill them financially too they could never afford to bury me.

I'm trying to get back into my art today, I've been beating myself up this weekend about it. I want to get a new lens too but I'm working on how to afford it.
I'm slowly working on talking to my parents, I hate upsetting them and this really does. It's hard after spending so many years acting like everything is fine then explaining to the people you care about that you've been hurting so bad for years and they never knew. I did it before when I was in high school and that was so awful to do. Doing it again hurts just as bad.

Plaid...how do I put this....you're being an idiot. If I lived nearby I would come over there and slap you.

You have family on this board, and they'd cry their goddamn eyes out if you killed yourself. You're depressed, I get that, so am I, and I know how bleak and awful life can seem, but don't you DARE believe for a second that there aren't people who would be devastated if you died.

See Plaidy, haven't I said that too? I would cry if you were gone.

[trailerparkmedic]

I'm slowly working on talking to my parents, I hate upsetting them and this really does.

It sucks that you are sick. It would also suck if you had another disease, like cancer. Lots of cancer is curable but it requires time and sometimes different courses of treatment before it is controlled. Maybe thinking of it like that will help your parents realize why you're aren't all better already.

Don't let anyone convince you this is your fault. You are just as sick as someone with cancer and deserve just as much support from your family.

[BookstoreEscapee]

They are water-soluble and even though it flushes them out of your system, it will make sure that you don't feel like you have a UTI or increase the frequency of bathroom breaks while you're taking them.

They make you pee bright yellow...just so you know . The extra water (if you're dehydrated to begin with) might help your mood. If you're dehydrated, you'll have less energy.

remember, you are a picture in at least one person's wallet.

I like this

Is it fair that I must suffer my whole life with problems that will never go away no matter what I do, because some people love to see the misery?

You really think people only want you around because they enjoy seeing you miserable? I doubt that.

Everyone should look at the second line of my sig. Keep it in mind.

[Plaidman]

You really think people only want you around because they enjoy seeing you miserable? I doubt that.

Everyone should look at the second line of my sig. Keep it in mind.

So.... only everyone idea of difference of mine is to belived? Why is that so hard to disbelive compared to my view point...?


Very little in this life would make me very happy, but they are so far out of my grasp it makes people head spin. The day it happens, the day I'm much happier.

[Cat]

Squeaks and Plaid

You guys are awesome.

[Plaidman]

No matter how much I hear it, I never feel that I am loved. I don't understand that.

[Peppergirl]

Plaid, knock it off... I love you to pieces. You can keep saying you dont feel loved, but we'll keep saying we do...so round-and-round we'll go, I guess.

To the OP, I'm afraid I'm not really good at emotions, feelings and talking about them.

So, why am I here?

Your thread touched a nerve with me. I have lost 2 close friends to suicide. They were brothers. Their father committed suicide too, back in the day.

They were convinced no one would care. They were wrong. I still hurt when I think of them. One did it in 1998 and one in 2003. And I STILL hurt.

You are valuable, and we care about you here. Please do whatever it takes to get help.

Again, I'm not at all good at this, so please forgive me if I sound cold or not sincere enough. It's the best I've got. Also, I almost NEVER post in here so that should tell you alot right there, ok?

[ArcticChicken]

No matter how much I hear it, I never feel that I am loved. I don't understand that.

You're depressed. It can be amazingly hard to believe you're worth it.

Sometimes it helps to leave yourself little notes, in a place where you will see them every day. If you hear it over and over again, eventually you start to believe it.

On that note:

Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you. Plaid, we love you.

And since it can't hurt to hear:

Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too. Squeaks, we love you, too.

[RetailWorkhorse]

Once upon a time, a long time ago in a place where I used to live....

I was given the best advice I'd ever received.

Just Keep Breathing.

It's sad that the person that gave me this advice didn't take it herself. She died a year later, slit her wrists and bled out on the South Carolina coast.

I have mourned her loss for going on eight years now. I think of her often. There was so much I didn't get to say.

So....yeah, you'd be missed.

[Mikkel]

You are just as sick as someone with cancer and deserve just as much support from your family.

Except that people for some reason feel that a mental illness isn't as serious as a physical illness. I get all the "poor you"s and "get better"s anyone could wish.
Someone with a depression is likely to get a "man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself".
I don't get it, I'd much rather have something physical wrong, even if it's something potentially deathly, than having to doubt my thoughts and judgement the way I would have to with a mental illness.

[trailerparkmedic]

Except that people for some reason feel that a mental illness isn't as serious as a physical illness. I get all the "poor you"s and "get better"s anyone could wish.
Someone with a depression is likely to get a "man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself".

I'm not saying that doesn't happen. I'm just throwing this out there to help people, especially those with a mental illness, think of mental illness as an illness and to gain some perspective on how devestating mental illness can be.

We've made a lot of progress from even a generation ago when people were locked away. I think that there is still a long way to go, and one of the most important things is showing those who are sick that they are, in fact, sick and not weak, making things up, or choosing to act the way they are.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Except that people for some reason feel that a mental illness isn't as serious as a physical illness. I get all the "poor you"s and "get better"s anyone could wish.
Someone with a depression is likely to get a "man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself".
I don't get it, I'd much rather have something physical wrong, even if it's something potentially deathly, than having to doubt my thoughts and judgement the way I would have to with a mental illness.

I'm going to have to remember how you worded that. It's hard to describe for me sometimes. When you tell someone you have depression some people, even if they can't help it look at you strangely. They wonder if you are faking, mostly since so many people with depression deal with it behind closed doors they haven't seen you like that. Also it's hard to diagnose and treat what is exactly wrong with you.

I've been to several people, and they still really can't tell whats wrong with me. I can't really fault them for that, it's a complicated thing, what I do fault them for was offering pills right away, typically at the highest dosage. Most of the trouble of diagnosing me is this all started with me when I was very young at around 4 years old. So until the end of high school they just thought I had ADHD, but as a child I wasn't going to say to Mommy and Daddy that I was depressed shortly after my father had a heart attack. So I just hid it. I spent quite a few years afraid that my father would die, combine that with other factors along with a family that has a history of depression and a grandmother who could be easily called batshit crazy and it makes me a bit hard to figure out.

I'm not currently on medication, I have been before but no matter the kind or dose I was just very screwed up for a long time after. I found a Doctor I am happy with, I was able to go without treatment for a while and do well, this current down means I went a little too long and at the time I was just slowly getting back into going to see him. I have a very hard time expressing myself at times, especially if I'm at a real low so it takes awhile. That's part of the therapy figuring out how to calm myself and be able to explain what I want to, when I was younger that just seemed like I was having a fit, I'd get so frustrated with my head because I couldn't get out what I wanted to say I would stomp my feet and get upset. That normally just happened with family, teachers and other students I just rarely spoke to because I didn't want to get so frustrated or embarrass myself. I was no where near a little brat you see in stores but I'm sure to my parents it seemed like I was misbehaving.

I will stop rambling about that. Thanks guys for being so nice to me, I never expected that and I appreciate it.

[Der Cute]

Squeaks:

that what you described, the frustration, the distrust...it's common.

Something that I use to help me calm down and find the right words is an SFTB.

Situation
Feelings
Thoughts
Behavior

Situation: cat just got ran over by a semi
Feelings (emo here): scared sad pissed/angry sad vengeful
Thoughts: you cmere and I'll kick your ass, truck driver...you sob you killed kitty!
Behavior: Deep breath, crying, prayer, baseball bat to box

Try doing this when you're feeling sad/wonky. And the "having problem describing/talking to pro" is called FLAT. you're flat like a flat balloon, you have no oomph no zip, no zest.

Get back to the doc asap. And get a referral for a psych pro.

Cutenoob

[Seshat]

I'd rather have that, then deal with my misery that can and very likely will last my entire life, and even seeing the incredible disappointment and even hatred in some of my family look as I prove over and over again what a waste of humanity, and wasting resources that anyone else in the entire world could put to far better use. Is it fair that I must suffer my whole life with problems that will never go away no matter what I do, because some people love to see the misery?

I feel this as well. Except for the last half of the last sentence. For me it's this:

People keep telling me it'd be selfish for me to suicide. That there are many people who would miss me, and grieve.
I think it's selfish of them to want me to hang around. I've stuck around, in pain both physical and mental, for twenty years. I've given them plenty of time.
How long do I have to provide the world before I'm allowed relief from the pain and agony?

Many of my so-called friends, and my so-called family, have spent little time with me or showing me any purpose to me sticking around, over those twenty years. Which makes it hard to care about them grieving. Or even to believe they would.

However: there are the few who really DO care, who spend time with me, who try to genuinely help me. And with them, I've made a bargain.

I will work with them, and with the medical system, to try to improve my quality of life, until we reach a point where there's nothing more to try that's feasible and likely to work. Until that time, I won't suicide. However, if we reach that time and I'm still in a state where life genuinely isn't worth it, we'll seek euthanasia.
However, since my physical pain is under control, and my emotional pain is improving, it seems likely that I won't be seeking euthanasia.

[Teysa]

Seshat,

I really hope you never go the euthanasia route. You strike me as a very warm, caring person. I know you've said that much of your prolific advice giving is due to you having nothing to do but research anything and everything. However, not everyone would bother sharing that knowledge. I've seen how you consistently have kind words for the people who need them the most. Know that people do care about you.

Plaidman,

I have nothing but admiration for someone who even with all of the problems you have still manages to keep going each day. I wouldn't consider Pharmacy School easy. Yet, you're doing it and from your posts doing quite well in it. That shows me you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. In my opinion you're well on your way to getting revenge on everyone who was hateful to you by being a success.


Squeaks,

One of the best things about this board is people do genuinely care. I'm glad to see that things are starting to look up for you. Remember healing from depression is a process. It won't happen overnight. Know that when things look especially dark, we're here for you. So, don't ever think you're not worth it.