Boyfriend: don't know what to do (long)

[Thuringwethyl]

I don’t know how to proceed because my boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand why I’m upset. I may be overreacting but I think there are some legitimate issues that need to be worked out. I don’t know how to go about it though.

Background:
My boyfriend and I haven’t been together that long, only about four months. However, this is the longest relationship he’s ever had (my shortest was a year, but that’s neither here nor there). I’m a couple of years older than him and most of the time that wouldn’t be an issue – every now and then he does things that point out a maturity difference but as my boss said: “he’s young and stupid but he seems to really like you”. He – my boyfriend that is, not my boss – is fine with both my appearance and my personality, which is refreshing compared to my ex’s. He is incredibly outgoing, super confident (some might say cocky), and likes to have people around. I am incredibly shy, introverted, and am a bit antisocial on top of it all.

Space
My boyfriend would have me spend almost every available moment with him if he had his way, I’m fairly sure of it. Even if we do nothing but actually sleep he still wants me to spend the night with him All. The. Time. My problem is that, since I usually get up before him, doing so sets back my entire day. Thankfully my work is flexible so I don’t get in trouble but it gets frustrating that I continuously feel behind. Why do I do this? Because bf is very persistent and acts rejected if I don’t have a really good reason for saying no so I end up feeling guilty. He’s not going to spend the night at my place until I move out from my parents place (just graduated and job-searching).

Just…no. No no no.
I’ll come over to spend the night and his family is there. Now, he lives with some siblings and various extended family members will drop by and spend the night. However I feel uncomfortable spending the night with a significant other when his family is in the house. I can barely look his sister in the eye because I keep on running into her while late at night. It’s even worse when it’s older family members! Leaving in the morning is like running the gauntlet where I’m trying to unobtrusively leave and not be seen (doesn’t usually work). He has no problem with this. So far I’ve done it because he really really wants me to and assured me that everything was fine. But I feel horrible – I am being incredibly rude and disrespectful.

Yesterday morning brought it all to a head. I’d been up working since 5 AM and finally got to his place at 11:30-12 AM-ish. When I got there he let me in and when we got to his room informed me that some family of his was going back to their home country and that everyone was here! Hooray! I was tired, stressed, and dressed to sleep not mingle with family members. I pleaded exhaustion and hid in his room for the rest of the night. The next morning he wanted to say goodbye (completely natural) so he dragged me down to say goodbye too. Oh my god. Extended family was there, aunts and uncles and grandparents and siblings and siblings’ fiancées and nieces and nephews and cousins. I smiled and said goodbye to everyone and left, but not before I heard his sister and his brother’s fiancée whisper to each other in their language while looking at me and giggling.

I was upset and excruciatingly embarrassed. He didn’t seem to notice anything amiss.

Kids
He loves kids, is great with them, and definitely wants a family of his own one day. When my biological clock goes off I will want them, but I was never around them that much growing up and kids make me uncomfortable. I don’t dislike them but I have no idea what to do with them. I’ve told him this.

I came over once because he asked me to (I was going to take a nap and he said to take it at his place). I had my book, he had his WOW (which I got for him), and a cousin of his was playing another computer game. A younger cousin came in; she was from a different country and couldn’t speak English well. After he did his thing he told me to play with his cousin and “do my kid thing”. The poor thing was bored, had no one else her age and was obviously shy so I awkwardly tried to entertain and make her feel welcome (she was really cute).

I suppose my issue with this is that he felt it was ok to make me stop reading and entertain his cousin – when I’m uncomfortable around kids – but it was fine for him to keep playing WOW and almost ignore us.

Doctor’s visit
I’m not sure why this rubbed me the wrong way. I had an issue that made going to the doctor very probable. I told him because he wanted to know what was going on. He then told me what day we were going and rearranged his work schedule so he could take me except… I hadn’t asked him to come along. I guess I felt he was being presumptuous as I don’t have health insurance and would be paying for everything. I didn’t like how he tried to take control of something that was assuredly MY business.

I didn’t go on the day that he wanted but went in alone at some other time.

Dinner fiasco
My days start earlier than his so by the time he’s ready for dinner I’ve already eaten. This creates some conflict when we go out to eat and I don’t order much. So yesterday I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner (and I made sure that I didn’t snack myself full). He said he had no preferences as to where we went and that I should decide.

So I throw out some suggestions and he tells me again that he wasn’t going to decide. Ok. Over the next couple of hours I fix on either sushi or steak (I’m indecisive on deciding what to eat). He picks steak and then proceeds over the next hour to throw out every steakhouse I can come with (I googled it). Eventually he suggests this other place that serves Italian food. I mention that this place doesn’t offer steak, he counters that he has no preferences. Grrr.

I’m hungry at this point, having only eaten handfuls of fruit and chocolate along with some vegetables, so I just want food. At 7pm he calls and says that we’re going to a seafood place instead, to look nice but not too nice as it may get messy (I appreciated the warning since I like knowing how fancy I have to dress) and that he’d pick me up in 45 minutes. I’m cranky, hungry, and feeling a little faint from a bad nosebleed I’d had (it was epic. I went through a box of Kleenex and am still finding blood in strange places in the bathroom).

He shows up at 8pm with his cousin, sister, and brother’s fiancée. I couldn’t even look at him -- I was upset and so hungry at to be almost teary (I don’t eat that much so when I need to eat, I really need to eat). The ride over all I could handle was to smile and say that I needed to eat something. We get there and waited an hour to get in.

Next time I’ll just eat by myself.

Summing up
The reason I haven’t brought these things up before last night is because I KNOW he sees things differently than I do. He’s coming off to me as being controlling and insensitive but he sees it as trying to help and include me in his life. I’m somewhat independent and don’t like being trapped in situations – I’m also very sensitive as to what constitutes “trapped”. I also probably have baggage left over from my ex (who was very controlling and almost completely destroyed my self-esteem). I know that my boyfriend has emotional needs as well and have compromised by texting more often, coming over when he wants me too, and generally being accepting of his foibles. He doesn’t like it that I don’t seem to need him that much; he’s actually a very nurturing person and helps out his friends all the time.

I don’t know how to address these issues without it sounding like a personal attack as I know my boyfriend doesn’t mean to be cruel. I just can’t go on like this. I tried talking to him about it last night and it didn’t go very well.

Any suggestions? If it wasn’t for this our relationship would be the best one I’ve had.

[Exaspera]

I can't put my finger on it, but I am seeing a bunch of red flags. And the things you list as problems will only get worse as the relationship continues. My ex didn't "mean to be cruel" either, even while he kept on doing it despite my protests.

[Magpie]

I'm going to go out on a limb here (albeit not very far) and assume that your boyfriend is from a different culture than you are. In fact, I can make some guesses as to which one. You both need to recognise that there are cultural differences which are causing tension for you. If he isn't aware that there are problems, you need to make him aware of this. In a healthy relationship, he will listen when you explain that there are problems. If he won't listen, and continues to think that everything's ok, you're stuck. It's not going to magically get better, and you can't fix it on your own.

My first question before giving any advice: how much of this have you told him? Does he know that you felt like he was dumping taking care of his cousin on you? Does he know that you hadn't intended for him to take you to the doctor, etc? If so, how did he react?

As for how to fix it - how aware of your own culture are you? Do you know what the pitfalls that would confuse someone coming from outside are? Basically, what I'm asking is can you identify your assumptions. If you and your boyfriend can do this, perhaps you can explain to each other where you're coming from, and why you want to do it that way. This makes compromising a lot easier.

Another good idea is couples' counselling, but I don't know if it's a great idea four months into a relationship. It would be useful particularly if neither of you can identify your assumptions, or if he understands that you're upset, believes that it's a problem and would like to help, but just doesn't get that you're used to different things.

[Monica]

Maybe with the kids thing, is that he heard that you were uncomfortable around them and was trying to help. In order to be more comfortable, you sometimes have to get out of your comfort zone. Maybe he was trying to help you in that aspect.

[Plaidman]

Take what I say with a grain of salt.

He likely very heads over in love with you. Longest, and likely best relationship he has ever had. It's why he is pushing for you to meet his family. He's showing you off. He wants them to like you.

Same with the kid. Yeah, real jerky of him, I'd would have thought you two should play together, especally if he wants a family with you. (That's what I would have done though) Because it's father/mother that raises kid, not mother raises dad ignores.

Food: Oh man that was a total dick move on his half. Really. Dick. Move. I will admit that I honestly don't care where I eat. So if I ask someone to pick, and they make two choices like you did with the sushi versus steak, I would have again, stated I don't care but would perfer steak myself over sushi. (I still don't have to choose, but you would know what I would like. I eat sushi when I can, but I still just like steak). Then yeah, first place that you wanted, unless I knew if something was bad there, I would be taking you there, now. Not an hour later when you are already starving. He might have taken family because he is A: Nurtering and loves family, and B: Again, really wants his family to like you. That is still a dick move though to make you wait.

DOCTOR: Wow. choosing when your going to go based on his time? Yeah. Controling. I know that you like your space, and he should respect that. I don't know you at all, but my best guess is if he is concerned that you want to go to the doctor, likely means your very stubborn and do not like going to the doctor unless your bleeding from several bulletholes and on fire, especally since you have no insurence, then it really might mean that this could be very serious and he wants to support you by going. Better way of doing it was to go there with you, and deal with work later. (I would have just taken a write up, or better yet, get someone else to cover my shift and explain to boss. They're at least somewhat decent about health issues). It shows that he is just concerned. Still.... assholelike to be that, but it's what my first thought was that his thought was 'whoa, she wants to go to doctor, this gotta be bad. I need to be there for her"



You know that he is a good man, but you need your space. You know that he is very nurtering, and just crazy over you.

But, thinking about this, why are you so concerned about hurting him? Yeah, I know your not suppose to hurt your loved ones. But you are NOT dumping him. You are not going to leave him. You want to stay with him. But you need some space. espeaclly when it comes to his family. It's not that you don't like them, but your just uncomfortable right now around them. You are crazy about him, but you need time to unwind, your own personal time.

Just tell him. You do love him, but you need personal time. Make it very clear that you are not dumping him, or leaving him, (or cheating if he thinks that). Its too much going on, and your very uncomfortable.

To put it in persecptive for him, tell him to envision that his entire family, his entire work buddies, and all his friends, all need rides in compeletly different directions at the exact same time, and if they are even a second late they will be in trouble. It's too much for him, it overloads him and taht kind of stress he doesn't need.

Or even better! His WoW. Imaging trying to find a group, but can't. Never. Not even another person for two men groups. EVER. No matter how much he begs, pleads, bribes. No-one will group with him, and this is during a super special, where groups of people get ten times the XP, and solo people get half the XP.

You love him. You care for him. Your not demanding to go weeks on end without seeing him, but you need a day or two or even three by yourself and no hassle. Yeah, your more the welcome to be texted and such, but don't be scared if you immedity don't get a response.

Bring up the points you brought here. Tell him you were a little upset about being forced to play with a kid by yourself when you just wanted a nap. It would have been better if you both played even, like went to a park or something (That means HIM). Not as a good as a nap, but at least your acting like a tiny make believe family.

Bring up dinner. Let him know that was a very dick move to make you decide, but hate every place, then try to make you pick a restraunt you didn't even want in first place, then made you wait even longer to eat when you are considering eating the walls because your so hungry. Then to bring his family without evening telling you.

If he freaks out, let him, but just let him know after the freakout and calmly tell him "I love you, I just need time". Let him freak out, cry, beg, and let him know again "You love him, but the fastest way to getting a breakup is if you don't get some space"

He may understand that, he may not.

He is young sure, but he never had a relationship this long. I'll likely do the same thing if I ever had a girlfriend that long. (Well, not likely. I'm much more a homebody that needs space too). But I do understand the paronia, the fear, the idea that if I make even one mistake then I lose her compeltely, even having to pretend to be someone I'm not for the rest of my life. But since your NOT reacting to anything in a negative fashion, then it must mean he is doing everything right, and he will keep this up thinking its fine and ok, unless you do something to make it stop.

[BookstoreEscapee]

He’s coming off to me as being controlling and insensitive but he sees it as trying to help and include me in his life.

I think you should start by telling him this. Then give some examples.

You've only been together 4 months. You don't need to be spending every free moment together, or spending every night together (trust me, I know this from experience), and wanting to sleep in your own bed, keep to your schedule, etc. are not things to feel guilty about.

If he can't understand where you're coming from and work on his own issues, then it's time to end it. If it comes to that, well, it's only been 4 months. Better now than later, when you have to divide up a shared house, or kids are involved.

[Eireann]

Okay, this is my take on the situation.

He is controlling. He wants to make you a part of his life, and he's making sure that you spend all this time around him and every single relative he has, in an attempt to make you feel that if you leave, you'll somehow be the jerk. "But I introduced you to my whole family! Is there something wrong with them? You don't like them? You don't like my family? Or is it me you don't like?"


And on and on.

If he's pushing you, he shouldn't be doing it. You have every right to your privacy. Yes, relationships are give and take, and both sides need to be willing to compromise - but all the compromises here are yours, not his.

With all due respect to Plaidman, I don't believe he is in love with you, and the reason why I don't believe it is, these are not the actions of a man in love. I don't see any respect for your privacy, your need to eat, the decisions you make, or the person you are. These are the signs of a controller. He wants things exactly the way he wants them.

This is the longest relationship he's ever had, and you've only been together for four months. That says a lot to me. Don't load yourself with how caring he is for other people, or how he is with kids. This isn't about other people, his family members, or random children. This is about the two of you, and if it's not working for you, it's not working for you. Don't beat yourself up over What Might Have Been; instead, think about the best possible relationship you could have with a man, and focus on that. Don't settle for something that is bad for you.

[Greenday]

You need to sit him down and just flat out honest with him. He's not going to get it if you don't.

But honestly, I know people say that opposites attract but too opposite isn't good. Not sure what you can do about that.

[BookstoreEscapee]

This is the longest relationship he's ever had, and you've only been together for four months. That says a lot to me.

I thought that too. Not knowing how old he is, I left it out. If he's young, it may not be as big a red flag. If he's older, though, yeah, it would concern me, too. (She doesn't say how old she is, but she did mention she's just graduated and he's a few years younger.)

You need to sit him down and just flat out honest with him. He's not going to get it if you don't.

But honestly, I know people say that opposites attract but too opposite isn't good. Not sure what you can do about that.

Opposites is fine, if each person can respect the other's needs and differences. Doesn't sound like the case here. Maybe he's just young and just needs a good talking to...but I wouldn't hold my breath.

[Greenday]

Opposites is fine, if each person can respect the other's needs and differences. Doesn't sound like the case here. Maybe he's just young and just needs a good talking to...but I wouldn't hold my breath.

There's opposites like positive and negative, and there's opposites like oil and water. This sounds more like the latter.

[Squeaksmyalias]

I agree with controlling. I saw that with a friend of mine, and almost had it with a guy I dated for a VERY brief time. The guy I was seeing used to try and make me feel guilty for needing to go back to my classes, he would even hold onto my arm to keep me there.

It doesn't matter if your job is relaxed enough for you to be late. Don't let him do that too you.

There were a couple things that were odd to me. The kid thing, and the doctor visit.

He just thrust a family member on you, and said do your thing. You have no thing, it doesn't always come natural. It's his family, he should have been involved too, if he wanted to help you feel more comfortable with children he would have been playing and keeping her entertained. I would consider that as something that will happen again. Sorry, some people might not agree with me on that, but I would.

The doctor's visit, you've been together four months. What makes him think that is any of his business to go with you? Asking would you like me to drive you is one thing, but to assume you want him to go. No, after what else you said, that is controlling. A normal boyfriend if he was concerned would do one of two things, ask for you to call after to say you are ok, or ASK would you like me to go. Not just jump to the conclusion he is going.

Controlling comes in smothering forms too, people think, it's ok he is trying to include me in his life, he wants me to be there. No, if they did and you explained "I need to be there at this time. " for example, they would take it better then trying to drag you back. They would be more understanding.

There needs to be more compromising, that doesn't seem to be happening at all, you do what he wants you to do. You need to take a serious look at the relationship, what are you getting out of this? Seems to be it's more of a headache then anything else. Don't let him guilt you, don't do it. This is your life, you are part of the relationship you need to be happy too. Don't stay in it because you feel guilty it's the worst thing you can do to yourself.

Keep in mind. If you are happy in a relationship you would smile thinking about him, you would be saying how happy you are when you are with him. At this point in time, it seems like it's just a chore. Relationships aren't supposed to be a chore. You both have every right to be happy, but when one is smothering and the other unhappy you need to move on. Like I said don't let him guilt you, it's the worst thing you can do.

[Thuringwethyl]

Wow! People replied fast!
I haven't really talked to him about my issues before last night. For some reason it's hard for me to figure out what's bothering me, just that there's this nebulous feeling of wrongness.

Plaidman, he's said before (in an unguarded moment) that he almost can't believe that he's so happy in this relationship and that this is the first one where he doesn't feel trapped. Going by his word alone (which I take with a grain of salt, being the cynical person I am) his ex's were insecure and clingy.

I also think that a factor is we're from different social groups. He was a jock in high school, used to love partying and clubbing, and hung out with that group. He's now trying to "settle down" a bit.

I was a nerd in high school and am proud and unapologetic about my bookish nature. He felt he had to hide his anime, computer games, and other "nerdy" activities from his friends. One of the reasons he likes me is that I see nothing wrong with this.

There are cultural differences as well - I've lived here all my life and his parents sent him and his siblings over from their country when they were young to get better educated. He was one of the youngest and has (I think) abandonment issues. Also, in his culture (my best friend in elementary and junior high had a father from this culture and a mother from mine) the men work but when they get home they do almost nothing. I think he is culturally assimilated enough to realize that most woment here won't stand for that but when he's really comfortable and not thinking it's there.

I suppose I do just need to sit down and talk to him. I think I dread "talks" more than he does -- if I see an issue I'd much rather pretend it wasn't there than confront it. And I am pretty wishy-washy about a lot of things, so people with "stronger" personalities generally do take over because I drive them crazy. Except at work -- I'm anal about that.

I really do like him a lot. I'm not sure whether I truly believe in romantic love, being that I thought was in it before and realized it was just hormones (considering that my research is involved with hormones, behavior, and sex I tend to be even more cynical). If I need him for something he'll come over and help as soon as he possibly can; I just don't like needing people. I'd rather have people need me.

I'd say both of us have issues. But thanks for the replies! I didn't think of some of the suggestions here.

[trailerparkmedic]

You say that you're compromising with him, but I don't see anywhere he has let go of something for you.

An example of compromise in my relationship: Fiance cooks dinner during the week because he gets home before me. I am on a diet, so sometimes the meals get a little weird for him. He will cook whatever meal I plan and I use my money to keep the freezer stocked with pizza for when he doesn't like dinner. We're both doing something we don't like (I spend money on his food and he cooks a dinner he won't eat) but we think it is worth the payoff (I get warm dinner when I get home and he gets something yummy every night).

It seems like your big compromise was him calling you less and you texting him more and also spending every night at his house. Do you think you're getting a good deal out of this? It seems like you have done a LOT for him, and you need to put your foot down and tell him NO. You can be nice about this--"I like spending the night with you but it messes up my whole day so I can't do it every night. How about I only stay on the weekends?"

Also, the doctor thing? That comes off as pretty creepy to me. The only time I would consider having Fiance with me at a doctor's office is if they're doing something that will prevent me from driving home safely (and he'll be in the waiting room the whole time), if I'm facing something serious and I need support, or if I'm pregnant and he wants to see an ultrasound or something.

[Whiskey]

Any suggestions? If it wasn’t for this our relationship would be the best one I’ve had.

If it wasn't for the eighteen paragraphs about things he hasn't/wont change that bother you enough to type it up to an anonymous online forum it'd be the best?

(not comparing this to yours, but) If one of my ex's didn't like to hit me in the face and slam my head into the brick fireplace, it would have been a marriage material relationship!

that this is the first one where he doesn't feel trapped

Well, yeah, he doesn't feel trapped because you do. He's turned the position he was in, in previous relationships, into your position.

[Kiwi]

I don’t know how to address these issues without it sounding like a personal attack as I know my boyfriend doesn’t mean to be cruel. I just can’t go on like this. I tried talking to him about it last night and it didn’t go very well.

First off, you need to address these items one by one as they come up on a day to day basis in a calm and assertive manner. You can be assertive without being rude or mean. It means staying calm (even it it's just on the outside) and separating your actions from his REactions. You need to decide on what to say and keep repeating it "sorry that doesn't work for me" or "I would rather do it this way". Item by item. Long sit down talks don't usually work.

He seems like a nice guy and the problem seems to be that you need to assert yourself more. If he doesn't know what he is doing is upsetting you then how can he stop trying to take over.

The Space Issue - You need to do what works for you. If you do spend the night at his place but need to be up early, set an alarm and get up early. If he wants to sleep longer that's fine but don't allow it to stop you from getting up and getting to work. If he gets upset and acts defensive about it then you need to explain to him that his demands are impractical for you work wise and it's not up for debate. If he wants you to spend the night, then you WILL BE getting up early.

If you get up early, it would most likely help with the leaving the house without dealing with the walk of shame. If you are embarressed by staying the night then don't. There is nothing to be ashamed of so walk out of there with your head held high girl. If they [being his family members] have a problem with it so what. It is THEIR problem.

The kids issue- If it ever happens again where he expects you to babysit unannounced, don't. If you are uncomfortable, leave. You are not a prisoner in his house, you are free to come and go as you please. If you get there late and want to sleep and he has family over then go back home. If you get there and he expects you to babysit and you don't want to. Say so. If he gets mad then leave! Say no, practice it if you have to.

" No sorry Im reading" "No sorry I not in the mood to babysit" "No I don't want to"

The doctors visit- Say no. It sounds like he is taking over but you don't say what your saying to him. He can't physically make you go with him, tell him "I am going to the doctors visit alone, thanks for the offer though." Repeat repeat repeat. "Sorry that doesn't work for me" "You must have misunderstood, I don't need/want you to come with me" etc etc.

The dinner issue- again he is controlling the situation. He doesn't have any preferences but won't agree to any of your suggestions. You have to wait because it doesn't suit his schedule.... but he wont decide.
If you want dinner, eat dinner! If it doesn't suit him but he is being difficult about it TOO BAD BUDDY. Instead of saying "where do you want to go" say something like "I feel like sushi, I am going to Tanaka's sushi palace, do you want to come?" then go. It is on him if he decides to go himself.

Let me tell you, just because someone doesn't scream or shout it doesn't make them controlling. Control and manipulation comes in many forms, worst of which is the "helper". People who constantly and knowingly go against your wishes because they "just want to help!"

They want you to do it THEIR way, even though you say thats not what I want over and over they insist because they need to control the situation, then they use the excuse of being a "help" to cover it up.
If you say "I want to do this" and he tries to force you to do anything else, he is not "helping" he is controlling. An example of "helping" you is the doctors visit. You need to stand firm, his reaction will tell you a lot about him.