Boyfriend: don't know what to do (long)

[poofy_puff]

Being honest with oneself is a lot of work, but relationships ("life-partner" type relationships) not so much. At least they don't have to be if one chooses the right partner(s). I'm not saying everyone needs to agree with this. I have found what works for me.

[Thuringwethyl]

Update

Yesterday we had our talk. For some reason I have trouble thinking straight around my boyfriend at the best of times and only afterwards go “Wait a minute…” -- yesterday was no exception. I had had horrible insomnia the night before so was a bit...hmm...shall we say slow on the uptake. Coming away surprised and slightly shocked I finally collapsed into a nap. I woke up PISSED.

Anything resolved? No.
Any compromises made? No.
Amazingly jaw-dropping phrases that stick out and make me want to break things? Oh baby.

“I realized that this was a big deal for you but it wasn’t for me so it doesn’t really matter.” What?

“I knew you didn’t know that much about steakhouses so I told you to look it up on google to see what you could come up with. I didn’t feel like going to the normal places because I’ve eaten at them before and wanted to branch out. You should try to think outside your normal bubble.” If you were so picky you should have just picked something! All I wanted was a damn steak!

“You shouldn’t need to mentally prepare yourself for more people. You know me, I bring people along all the time. I’m not going to text you ahead of time to let you know. This is how I roll, deal with it.” I…what? And what was that you said earlier?

“If you’re in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, just say you don’t feel like it. No one will think that’s rude.” So if I walk up to your car all dressed up and suddenly realize that you have a bunch of other people along I can just say “I randomly don’t feel like doing this anymore” and not make a scene that makes everyone uncomfortable? Riiiiight.

“I don’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. I didn’t make you choose the restaurant, I just wanted to see what you were able to think up. Look, I’ll solve the problem and make all of the decisions from now on.” Like hell you will. I’ve been trying to be courteous but see this? It’s my spine. Yes, I actually do have one!

“Your opinion and point of view do matter, just not to me. Oh wait, that sounded bad.” Oh really? That sounded bad? Gee, I wouldn’t why you would jump to that conclusion. And what was that you said earlier?

“But I do care, I do respect you. I don’t know why you keep on saying that I don’t.” Hah. Hah. Hah.

What. The. Hell. I don’t care if he has trouble taking things seriously, I don’t care if he was joking, I don’t care if he wasn’t thinking: unacceptable. I make all the concessions? He has no part in any of this? It’s all fucking me and how I see people?

HE WON’T EXTEND BASIC COMMON COURTESY TO ME, HIS GIRLFRIEND?

I’m through trying to see things from his point of view and accommodating him. I really doubt that anything he can say or do will salvage this for me. Oh, and he was surprised at my incensed (i.e. well rested) texts and couldn’t believe that I’m *this* close to breaking up with him. The only reason I haven’t is that I’m so angry that I’m having trouble thinking straight and I will wait until I can be rational before making any sort of decision.

[Gravekeeper]

Argh, ok I don't normally wade into this forum at all ( Especially since Jester typically says most of what I would say anyway. ) but:

“I realized that this was a big deal for you but it wasn’t for me so it doesn’t really matter.”

Is a smack upside the head. If only to knock him off balance for the follow up shot to the groin for seriously using the term "That's how I roll". Ugh.

If he managed to blubber all that out there, and still not realize how much its upset you, he has an amazingly piss poor concept of your feelings and little consideration for them, frankly.

I do not like this person. He displeases me remotely and I have never even met him. -.-

[Exaspera]

Good! You're mad! This is a clarifying start for you. I am very proud of you.

[BookstoreEscapee]

The only reason I haven’t is that I’m so angry that I’m having trouble thinking straight and I will wait until I can be rational before making any sort of decision.

Kinda sounds like you've already made it...

[Talon]

Epic relationship fail.
But I will give the guy credit for being honest about how little he cares for your opinion and feelings.

I’m through trying to see things from his point of view...

Because you're tired of cramming your cranium up your hindquarters?

Oh, and he was surprised at my incensed (i.e. well rested) texts and couldn’t believe that I’m *this* close to breaking up with him.

Talk about being COMPLETELY out of touch with reality! He'd probably be surprised if he got wet by walking outside in the rain without an umbrella.

...I will wait until I can be rational before making any sort of decision.

Like the BookstoreEscapee said, sounds like you've already made it, and don't realize it yet. But you're right about waiting until you have a clear head before making a decision, or rather acting on one you've already made.

[Whiskey]

Do what I did when I was 19 and in a [physically] abusive relationship, knife that motherfucker move out on the 31st and take your rent money with you. Spite is so gratifying. So is the other thing, but I don't recommend anyone do that.

[Solumina]

Damn, that is messed up. I know it is healthy to be slightly egocentric (after all if you don't look out for your own interests then who will?) but this dude is a full on egomaniac. Even if you get him to see the error of his ways (unlikely) it is going to take a lot time and professional help before he is able to have a healthy relationship.

Time to learn from this mistake and move on.

[Seshat]

Sounds like he's either really self-centred and egotistical, or has an actual personality disorder. If the former, he needs a kick in the ass. If the latter, he needs psychiatric help.


If the former, he doesn't deserve you. Or ANYONE.

If the latter, then unless he shapes up, realises what's going on, seeks psychiatric help AND works on it, then leave.

And by working on it, I don't mean just taking the tablets. I mean really, seriously, honestly making attempts to change himself. Learning helpful thinking, learning different patterns of behaviour.

A common behaviour for someone learning like this is to start a 'normal' conversation for them, then stop, think, and switch to a conversation that sounds scripted. And if you look at their 'homework' from their psych, the 'script' is in there.
That's FINE. That's an early stage, but it's a good sign of the patient TRYING. Someone who habitually does that can be worth choosing to stick with.

Just... if you do decide to stick with this guy and he claims to be working on his behaviour, ask to see his psych homework and watch for signs that he's actually DOING it.

[Whiskey]

Sounds like he's either really self-centred and egotistical, or has an actual personality disorder.

He sounds like every single 19 year old guy i've ever known. They're all self-centered douchbags, this one just hasn't learned to lie about it yet.

Just... if you do decide to stick with this guy and he claims to be working on his behaviour, ask to see his psych homework and watch for signs that he's actually DOING it.

I would tell any partner I had to shove it directly up their ass if they asked to see my psych homework.

[trailerparkmedic]

He sounds like every single 19 year old guy i've ever known. They're all self-centered douchbags, this one just hasn't learned to lie about it yet.

Hahaha. I can't say I disagree.

I'm glad you found your spine and had a talk with him, even if the end results weren't what you hoped for.

[Magpie]

Since I was one of the loudest "it's not necessarily anything wrong" people originally, I want to make sure that I post a ditto here. Not good signs. Seriously, if you "rationally" decide that you shouldn't break up with him, I'll be somewhat concerned. Yes, there are reasons (Seshat really covered them) that it could still work, but it sounds classically abusive at this point. And now we know why this is his longest relationship ever.

Oh, and what happens with me when I'm trying to do conversations according to my psych homework, is I'll end up interrupting myself in the middle of what I said, or I'll explain "ok, I'm not sure how to phrase this properly, but I know that I'm not supposes to say X, but I can't figure out how to say it properly, so here's X" (my husband is an engineer too, so it works.)

[wildman]

After reading all of the previous posts and seeing all of the RED FLAGS:
DUMP HIM, NOW!

You WILL feel a lot better!

Been there, Done that.

[Nonstop_Death]

Dump him. He doesn't want a relationship, he wants a pet/servant.

[Mytical]

Not all guys at 19 (or any age) are self centered. It's just usually the ones that are not are the quiet and shy ones, thus the least likely to get noticed. It's like the media. They ignore the normal examples of humanity (though sometimes I wonder how many of those actually exist) and always concentrate on the wildest/crazies/weirdest. Ie although I am not a christian, all the ones I know are pretty down to earth and level headed..but it is the ones that follow people like Jones (that drank the koolaid) that get the press.

Anyhow, from this person's comments it is time to carefully consider if he is what you need. Only you can decide that. What makes YOU happy is the important thing, and all the advice in the world can't tell you what makes you happy.