Boyfriend: don't know what to do (long)

[Eireann]

Be forewarned: He won't let go easily. He'll whine, he'll beg, he'll plead, he'll cry, he'll threaten, he'll throw fits, whatever. Too many people out there view this behavior as signs that "Oh, he really DOES love me! Oh, poor thing! How COULD I have done this to him???? See this deep feeling?"

Uh, no. That kind of behavior is exhibited by every spoiled brat in the universe. The trouble is, since we are human beings and not merchandise, we tend to view this behavior as something it is not - as proof of love, caring, commitment, whatever. The reality is, it's the spoiled child whose toy has been taken away. It doesn't have to be his favorite toy; all that matters is, it's HIS, and nobody can take it away from him.

This has nothing to do with who you are, or your worth as a human being. It's how he sees you, and how he sees other people. They aren't of equal value to him, in his eyes. They are to be manipulated to give him what he wants. When he doesn't get it, boom, he throws a fit.

It's exhausting, which is another reason why the manipulators so often get their way. They learn from many teachers that if they just throw enough fits, they get what they want. This site is full of stories of SCs who do just that. It's the same outside the commercial sphere.

If he does, indeed, go through therapy and actually do what will help him (and I'm not holding my breath), that doesn't mean you have to wait and support him. Do your own thing. This is your life, and you deserve to have the best life you possibly can.

[Whiskey]

@Erieann, I dont know. With this ones absolute disregard to the point he doesnt even lie to her.. I'd say itd be a couple weeks before reality hit it. Itll happen, but there might be a time delay.

[Jester]

If hes not open to some kind of counseling/therapy, I'd say cut the relationship now.

Before they even should worry about or consider counseling, she needed to sit him down and talk to him. Which I'm glad to see she did.

Now, I was thinking that a large part of the problem was the OP not standing up for herself, and I had some (small) hope that once she did, this guy might not be a douchebag and might actually make some effort to change. Then I read this:

“I realized that this was a big deal for you but it wasn’t for me so it doesn’t really matter.”

I’m not going to text you ahead of time to let you know. This is how I roll, deal with it.”

Look, I’ll solve the problem and make all of the decisions from now on.”

“Your opinion and point of view do matter, just not to me. Oh wait, that sounded bad.”

They are all bad, but the last one pretty much sums it up. Dude doesn't care. He is a self-centered egotistical arrogant fuckwad douchebag asshole scumbag shithead. And that's my polite version.

I suggest that sometime very soon you should have a chat with him. Get his full attention for it. I suggest strongly grabbing his scrotum with your dominant hand and squeezing very tightly, calmly asking, "Do I have your full attention?" Then tell him what you think of him, what you think of his opinions, and what you have decided about the relationship. Which, from what you've said, would be that it's over and he can piss up a rope. And I hope that IS what you decide, because this guy is a Grade A full-fledged 100% raging pile of donkey shit. I would actually rather enjoy doing the Mexican hat dance. On his face. With a baseball bat. And my steel-toed boots. But then, I'm a bit reactionary like that.

Argh, ok I don't normally wade into this forum at all ( Especially since Jester typically says most of what I would say anyway. )

Great minds think alike. Mine is just usually more pickled than yours.

I do not like this person. He displeases me remotely and I have never even met him. -.-

I have never met him, but would really like to, if only because there have been times lately where I really want to punch someone in the face, and this guy sounds like he would do nicely.

Sounds like he's either really self-centred and egotistical, or has an actual personality disorder.

I agree, if by "personality disorder" you mean "fucking asshole." Sometimes people don't have anything wrong with them other than the fact that they are simply pricks.

Look, I am not going to tell you what to do with your boyfriend. I have made my opinion of him quite clear. (In case you somehow missed it, I wouldn't shit on him with a stolen rectum.) He has made it quite clear that he sees nothing wrong with the way he treats you and that he has no plans on changing a damn thing. If you can live with that, knock yourself out. Sadly, too many people do settle for crap like that. But if that sounds like something that doesn't sit well with you--and your post seems to indicate it doesn't--then it's time to give this guy his walking papers. Personally, I would love to see those papers delivered with the business end of a sledgehammer, but that's just because I'm subtle like that.

That's just the way I roll.

[morgana]

I'm going to ditto Eireann and Jester; both of them said what I was going to say, much better than I would have.

I'll add this, though: Seriously, honey? Run for your life.

[Jester]

I'm going to ditto Eireann and Jester; both of them said what I was going to say, much better than I would have.

I'll add this, though: Seriously, honey? Run for your life.

While I appreciate the compliment, Morg, I have to say that "run for your life" may be a bit overdramatic. I do believe this guy is an egotistical controlling manipulative self-centered douchebag asshole fucktard, sure, but from all you have told us here, he has not exhibited any signs of potential violence towards you. Run, sure. For your life? A bit overstated, I think. But the end result is the same: get away from this loser.

[Eireann]

I do believe this guy is an egotistical controlling manipulative self-centered douchebag asshole fucktard...the end result is the same: get away from this loser.

Don't hold back, Jester. Tell us what you really think.

[Jester]

Yeah, I'm shy like that sometimes.

[Seshat]

I would tell any partner I had to shove it directly up their ass if they asked to see my psych homework.

Good point. I meant aspects of it, but didn't actually SAY that. I meant the simple things, public stuff like - oh, like the classic 'I statements' argument technique, and helpful thinking methods.

Personal, private psych homework is just that, even from one's partners. SOME people choose to share it, but it has to be their personal choice.

[shankyknitter]

Hun- Get out now.

Now that I've said that I feel better. I wish I'd had someone to tell me to get out when my ex (asshole) started the same shit you boyfriend is doing. I spent a year and a half with him. In a year and a half I went from a strong independent woman (read: uber-bitch from hell. Not exaggerating) to this meek little mouse who wouldn't make a decision if he could do it for me. I stopped standing up for myself, got really timid ect.

This is not to say that this is what would happen to you. For all I know you're a much stronger person than me, I don't know. I'm just saying it's been 8 months since we broke up and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.

Don't try to rationalize why he does what he does, don't try to justify his statements (all of which deserve a crossbow bolt to the crotch. Each.), don't try to wait until you don't feel pissed about it any more. Kick the egotistical, controlling, sonofabitch waste of space to the curb.

*gets off her little soap box*

[Whiskey]

Or you can go the way I went, from rather mouthy but generally harmless to TRY IT MOTHERFUCKER ILL KNOCK YOUR GODDAMN LIGHTS OUT AND BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND.

Neither are recommended. Find a boyfriend who'll respect you, they exist.

[Kheldarson]

So I'm curious if you've made a decision yet?