Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

"Black Sheep" of the family. why does it still bother me

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • "Black Sheep" of the family. why does it still bother me

    Some history:
    Growing up my mother and I became the black sheep of the family due to dad's bs and lies he told his family to make us look horrible for mom divorcing his sorry behind because of all the drama. So for years we were these horrible horrible people to his side of the family except to granny.
    And it wasn't until I went with granny to some of their family functions was it revealed that I'm not this evil person I'm actually well mannered and half of the stuff they were told was lies.

    Up to now. I'm still disliked as the trust issues are still there yet now I get black sheep issues with the family I married into. I thought I could escape it by moving from texas. I knew I'd be marrying into some interesting family stuff but not more hypocrisy. To clarify its the mother in law and the extended family on father in law's side. I don't contact them much yet am always courteous when I do speak to them yet they still treat us badly. More angry at how they treat FIL than how they treat me. Its MIL that I loathe for her BS because of what she does to her OWN SON. (not going into detail)

    I thought I was strong and mostly impervious to this, so why the **** does it still bother me!?

    Advice on how to deal with it without ending up on the news for it. And to clarify no I wouldn't do anything that drastic but I WOULD get a restraining order against these people as I'm done with this.

    And yes I have tried very hard to cut them out of my life and its kind of difficult to do so when they keep finding ways to get in just to bother me. And yes I have ignored their messages. Am at the breaking point.

  • #2
    What vital part of your life does their opinion of you effect? Is it causing strain between you and your husband? the rest of the family you get along with?

    Either get a restraining order, or let it go. I honestly doubt a RO would do any good, would you actually send your MIL to jail if she violated it? Some people, regardless of facts, are always going to have an issue. All you can do is shrug, say "i'm sorry you feel that way" and move on. They aren't going to stop. They can say all the terrible things they like, but as long as you don't become those things, people will notice and realize (like you said has happened before) that someone is a few jellybeans short.

    Be happy, it'll drive them nuts. Its cliche, but the best revenge possible is success.
    Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

    Comment


    • #3
      yes. because if they cannot get a hold of me they make others the messenger people. These people do it because they think they are obligated or helping.

      true. the worst i could do would be to deny the MIL time with one of her grandkids. thats ok she thinks spending more and more time with the eldest sister in law's kids will make me jealous. When in fact I'm enjoying it because she owes those kids time anyways. I'd rather not have my daughter associate with her lest she pick up one of her traits. Harsh but true... I don't want her learning that its ok to tell someone anything if it will get them to be quiet.

      Comment


      • #4
        Where is your husband in all of this? It's his family.

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth LexiaFira View Post
          yes. because if they cannot get a hold of me they make others the messenger people. These people do it because they think they are obligated or helping.
          Can you have a talk with the rest of the family and express that you would appreciate them not passing on messages from your MIL? Also, where IS your husband in all this?

          Be a saint surrounded by sinners. Never lose your cool, don't raise your voice. Be presidential about it. Sit down and choreograph exactly what you're going to say.
          Last edited by Whiskey; 07-30-2010, 06:26 PM.
          Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

          Comment


          • #6
            he is super pissed and is reading while enjoying quiet time with daughter as he made the most noise coming home this morning about it.
            Out of everyone he dealt with her the most and got the crap end of the stick growing up so yeah he has since been through with her.
            I made sure to make sure that if I do this that its not going to upset him. He has said do what I feel i must but keep everyone informed. I said ok not a problem.
            Have no doubts that is what is going to happen tomorrow as the sisters will be here as well as father in law as saturdays are usually family days. Well at FIL's house.

            Already have a general idea of what I want to say and will do my best to be calm. Just so tired of this because it feels like the stuff back home I had to deal with. Only instead of hurting me, its going to hurt my daughter as she gets older if I don't stop it now.

            Comment


            • #7
              If shes the type that her type usually is, the calmer you are, the more irrational she'll get. Your husband knows her better than anyone, roleplay the situation. He'll know her responses to what you'll be saying, so you can get your responses ready ahead of time.
              Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

              Comment


              • #8
                Why are you still going to family days? If they're really that bad, cut them all off. If the extended family is still passing on "messages," let them know they're enabling an abuser, and they need to go away, because you're cutting them off too.

                Sometimes it's the only way to get out of a toxic situation.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth KiaKat View Post
                  Why are you still going to family days? If they're really that bad, cut them all off. If the extended family is still passing on "messages," let them know they're enabling an abuser, and they need to go away, because you're cutting them off too.

                  Sometimes it's the only way to get out of a toxic situation.
                  While this can be an end result, I think its a little extreme at the moment. If they don't respond to your request for them to not pass along messages, then yeah, cut them out.
                  Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth KiaKat View Post
                    Why are you still going to family days? .
                    there are two seperate households. FIL's house, and MIL's house. family days are held at FIL's in which MIL and guest never come. its everyone else, two sisters, hubby and me and kids in tow. fun is had by all. I plan on using this time to inform others that if MIL asks you to relay a message to any of us please refuse as its not your business and we don't want you getting drug into it. They will understand.

                    Like me, hubby's parents divorced and silly me forgot to ad that fact

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The extended family seems to think they're being "helpful" by passing along messages of how terrible Lexia and her husband are.

                      Personally, I don't tolerate that kind of shit. Oh, you want me to tell this other person just how little you think of them? Do it yourself. Don't get me involved.

                      EDIT: Just saw the new post. Somehow I missed that they were separate households. *facepalm* Makes more sense now. Ok. Yeah, definitely get the attitude across to them, and if they persist, stand your ground.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth KiaKat View Post
                        The extended family seems to think they're being "helpful" by passing along messages of how terrible Lexia and her husband are.

                        Personally, I don't tolerate that kind of shit. Oh, you want me to tell this other person just how little you think of them? Do it yourself. Don't get me involved.

                        EDIT: Just saw the new post. Somehow I missed that they were separate households. *facepalm* Makes more sense now. Ok. Yeah, definitely get the attitude across to them, and if they persist, stand your ground.
                        Either you misread, or I did. Im under the impression her family passes on messages FROM the MIL to them. Not talking shit about them from what they hear from MIL.

                        Quoth LexiaFira View Post
                        yes. because if they cannot get a hold of me they make others the messenger people. These people do it because they think they are obligated or helping.
                        \/ good point. I figured it was harmless stuff, but the fact MIL is even getting messages to them was irritating.
                        Last edited by Whiskey; 07-30-2010, 07:05 PM.
                        Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          That's exactly what I mean. I read it as her MIL has the various family members passing along messages to Lexia & family. I'm presuming the messages are something along the lines of massive guilt trips (YOU AREN'T TALKING TO ME HOW TERRIBLE I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD ABANDON ME LIKE THIS etc etc etc), essentially telling Lexia et. al. that they're terrible people.

                          Please correct me if I'm wrong, though.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            you both have it right. its been the whole tell this person this and instead of picking up the phone everyone plays messenger back and forth. Well when I came along that changed as I said if she wants to tell me something I'm RIGHT HERE, pick up the phone please. And so far she has, but if its a sensitive subject she send a messenger thinking i'll take it out on them. WRONG I don't destroy the messenger I get the sender back and to save time I pick up the damn phone too.

                            Now with this I want to cut all that out and I want a face to face. Husband has basically said she is often unpredictable so be warned.
                            I will go over most of the possibilities and leave it at that. Now to prepare for her nosiness. As for so long what they do is none of our business or inform as needed so now i'm just saying none of your business have a snit fit and sit on it

                            EDIT: this is a big deal to me because she has often said she would help us. yet when ever we do need any help be it a ride. its a BIG deal for her to just drop everything. We've always asked in advance and worked with her on HER TIME. or we go to FIL who has just about bent over backwards not for me but for his grandkids. So if she gets upset why didn't we go to her, because I already knew not to waste time getting told no in so many harsh ways and went to dad bending over backwards to compromise since he had done the same. Thats what broke the camel's back. And this has been coming to a head for years over many many many things until I came along and said no your bs stops here.
                            Last edited by Midnight12; 07-30-2010, 08:32 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth LexiaFira View Post
                              Now with this I want to cut all that out and I want a face to face. Husband has basically said she is often unpredictable so be warned.
                              I will go over most of the possibilities and leave it at that. Now to prepare for her nosiness. As for so long what they do is none of our business or inform as needed so now i'm just saying none of your business have a snit fit and sit on it
                              Have you tried simply not responding? When she calls you, don't pick up, dont call her back. When she has a messenger go find you, tell them not to deliver messages. The only reason people change their behavior is because its not getting them what they want. If she tracks you down in person, just leave. It makes it awkward, but its your sanity.

                              edit: re: your edit, shes a martyr, you will never win. YOU WILL NEVER WIN. You can't beat a martyr, trust me. Just ignore the shit out of her, dont respond the phone calls, don't respond to texts, don't respond to goading. NOTHING. Let her be the abused martyr or whatever, its the only way to deal with them. I have one in my life too. There is no winning.

                              If it took you years to put your foot down, be ready for at least a year of rough times. Shes used to getting her way. Cut her out completely. If anyone mentions her to you, or a message from her, immediately cease the conversation. Leave, hang up the phone, change the subject bluntly. You have to make a direct point.
                              Last edited by Whiskey; 07-30-2010, 08:35 PM.
                              Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X