"Act like an adult!" How??

[Seshat]

Oh, yes: my and AccountingDrone's comments are from the POV of the PATIENT.

[Jester]

Your mother has a condition, yes. No arguments. But she is using that condition to control you and make you basically her servant, if not slave. Your parents tell you to act like an adult only when it is convenient for them to do so. As you are holding down a job, paying rent, and doing chores around the house for them, it sounds like you are, for the most part, acting like an adult.

However, the minute you start wanting to LIVE like an adult in any way that contradicts their thoughts of you as their daughter, they bring down the hammer, either imposing their rules, breaking out the guilt trip, or threatening to throw you out.

Which brings me to you. And I'm sorry, but I am not going to be gentle.

Because the fact is that a large portion of the reason they are treating you like a child is because you are allowing them to. If you want to know one of the root causes of this whole situation, take a long hard look in the mirror. And while much of this is their doing, and how you've been raised by them, it's time for you to recognize all this and go about changing it.

And the first thing you need to do to do that is to grow a spine. If you want to move out, move out. As soon as you can find the right apartment/roommate situation. Don't allow your parents to give you guilt trips about it. You're 27, not 17. Make a decision, stick to your guns, and don't let them talk you out of it. Don't yell, but simply state that this is what you're doing. And do it. Let your mom go off on one of her guilt trips. And calmly walk away. If and when she approaches you to have a reasonable and rational discussion about it, talk to her reasonably and rationally, and do not allow the discussion to deteriorate into an argument or yelling match. If that is where she tries to take it, politely excuse yourself, tell her you are not going to be a part of this, and walk the fuck away.

And follow through. Move out. Move all your stuff out. Do not do this half-assed, by moving some of your stuff out but leaving some at your parents' house, thus making it kind of a "base camp" for you while you are out adventuring in the world. Your mother needs to cut the cord, but she can't and won't do it until you get up on your own two feet and walk out into the adult world.

You're 27. You're an adult. You want to be treated like an adult. Well then, make some adult decisions, and be prepared to accept whatever adult consequences may result. In short: BE an adult.

[mircea12345]

Jester nailed it on the head. Parents can be overbearing, but the sad reality is that people only have as much power over us as we choose to give them. You are 27, and more than old enough to make your choices in this life. The freedom you crave is the freedom you actually already have, you just need to acknowledge it in yourself to embrace it completely.

I took care of family for 15 Years, (Grandmother and Grandfather) and it is a hard road. I have no regrets as it was my choice, but it is not something you should ever feel forced into. Listen to Jester's words, he has sage advice as always to offer.

[Jester]

In my earlier post, I was somewhat harsh. I am not here to apologize for that, as I stand behind what I said and how I said it. To be honest, I think you needed a verbal kick in the ass.

That being said, I would like to share with you some of the benefits of not living with your parents, as I have done for the last 22 years.

You can come and go as you wish. Hell, if you feel like taking a drive for six hours or six days, and just disappearing for a while, you can. I know. I've done this. And you can, depending on your work schedule and your own personal sleep schedule, sleep in till 5 pm or go out at 2 am if you so desire. I know. I've done this also. Hell, if you want to get together with your friends and even a complete stranger and drive to another town just for the hell of it, you can do that too. (Myself, 2 friends, and a girl we met at the gas station at 2 am all went to Vegas for pretty much no reason other than to go to Vegas. It was a blast.)

Depending on your roommate situation, you can walk around stark naked or in your underwear. You can eat what you want, cook what you want, and do the dishes if/when you want. You already cook your meals, so that won't be a surprise, but you can cook for just you, or not at all, maybe ordering in if you so desire. (Of course, many of these things are tempered by the reality of keeping roommates happy, but you may not always have roommates.)

If you want to have your boyfriend over, you can. Whenever you want. Hell, if you break up with your boyfriend and decide you want to have other boys over, or even a free-for-all orgy, you can do that too. Short of making too much noise for the neighbors or pissing off your roommate, no one can tell you not to do this. Or not to have a kegger, if you prefer that kind of activity. (Not that one can't lead to the other, of course.)

You can watch tv when you want. You can watch what programs you want. "Oh, you shouldn't watch that. It's a bad show." Nope. No parents to tell you that. You can also listen to whatever fucking music you want. And talk on the phone when you want. And socialize with who you want to.

I should stress that I have really cool parents, and I never really felt any more restricted by them than any other teenager I knew. But even with that, I felt a genuine liberation when I moved out of my parents' house, and a definite restriction when I had to live with them later on for six months when I was between jobs (aka unemployed). Not any restriction imposed on me by them. Just a bit restricted in what I felt comfortable with, and by the fact that my parents keep a different schedule than me and are much lighter sleepers than I am.

On the flip side, there are also some negatives you probably know about but which may still take you by a bit of surprise. For example, with strangers as your landlords, rather than parents, no one is going to remind you that, hey, rent is coming due. Landlords expect you to pay them their rent on time, and are not known for being forgiving of tardiness, whereas your parents might let you slide a few days if you're running behind or are low on money. Ditto utility companies. (I assume your parents paid utilities and you either paid them your share or not at all.) Ditto all your bills, really.

Also, no matter how cool any roommates you have are, they are not going to wake you up to make sure you get to work if you've overslept. Hell, any nicety your parents extend you while you live in their house will be absent when living with a roommate in someone else's house or apartment.

Overall, I would say it's not only worth the negatives, it's absolutely worth them. They are a small price to pay to have your freedoms and actually, finally, be an adult.

[telecom_goddess]

What Jester said.....I think he put it really well.

[RavenStarr]

Treasure I hate to say it but...If you are waiting around to move out on good terms with you mother....Chances are it probably isn't going to happen as long as she is using her condition to manipulate you...The guilt trips, threats etc, nothing but pure manipulation and you need to see that.

Talk to your boyfriends parents about staying with them for awhile or talk to a friend about staying with them for awhile. You need to get out now. For the sake of your sanity.

[Seshat]

Sadly, I agree with RavenStarr.

Based on what you've said, your mother is getting great advantage from having you around to be her personal carer, slave and punching bag. Why should she change?

And if you try to change the situation, why should she react with anything other than anger and resentment, and an attempt to get you back into that position?


The generous interpretation is that she doesn't realise that that's what she's doing. In which case, her attempts to get you back into that position will be subconscious - but still there.

[ShadowBall]

While I am not taking care of an ailing parent, I am also stuck at home. Stuck with no hope of escape...I have been informed several times recently that the money I have been saving up from working to buy myself a vehicle is to go toward paying for grad school. Grad school I have said many MANY times in on uncertain terms I have no desire to attend because I feel a master's in art for me would be worthless. I wanted to get my own car as a step closer to freedom, but nope...I have to pay $12K+ out of pocket a year for this fucking degree because I didn't qualify for any loans. Because my mother is so busy living my life for me and believes honestly that the more degrees I have, the better job I'll get...meanwhile, we're so poor that if it were not for her credit card, we'd be eating rice every night (she's already got about $15K in credit card debt). I'm thankful a master's of fine arts is the highest art degree I can get because she told me that if I don't get a $100,000-paying job with my master's, I need to get a Ph.D and she would make me get it if it existed.

Sorry, this is your topic to rant in and not mine. Getting the hell out is a lot easier said than done when your parents have their claws buried deep in you. I'm in my mid-twenties and I still have to ask permission to go visit my friends, I am never ever allowed to have anyone visit me, get told I do chores "wrong," her boyfriend verbally abuses me and tells me I'm an immature child when I'm up past 11 on a work night (he does not work), I am not allowed to have my TV in my room on behind a closed door really late at night because the light peeking out from under my door will apparently wake people up...the list trails. I live with two full-blown nutcases.

I was so, so much happier in college when I could be alone and make my own personal schedule. I want out so bad, but with my money being taken from me all the time, I have no hope of escaping until my mother passes away. Her only being in her sixties and not really having any health issues besides arthritis, that may not happen any time soon. Odds are far higher I will kill myself first.

Can I suggest possibly looking into income-based housing? I personally would be looking at that for myself if I get the chance. I only bring home about $600 a month, so I'd definitely have to live in some low-income housing for now. Surely it'd be better for you and your sanity to get the hell out of your parents' house. I know it's easier said than done, and I know I gotta take my own advice. (hugs)

[Jester]

Stop! Alto! Halt! Wait! Attencion! Achtung!

I am also stuck at home. Stuck with no hope of escape...I have been informed several times recently that the money I have been saving up from working to buy myself a vehicle is to go toward paying for grad school. Grad school I have said many MANY times in on uncertain terms I have no desire to attend because I feel a master's in art for me would be worthless. I wanted to get my own car as a step closer to freedom, but nope...I have to pay $12K+ out of pocket a year for this fucking degree because I didn't qualify for any loans.

I'm in my mid-twenties and I still have to ask permission to go visit my friends, I am never ever allowed to have anyone visit me...

Let me be blunt.

Stop complaining and DO something about it. As you said, you are in your mid-twenties, and this is YOUR money that YOU have been saving up. Why the flying fuck do you HAVE to use this money towards a degree you don't even want?

I live with two full-blown nutcases.

Tell both these nutcases that this is YOUR money and that you will use it as YOU see fit. And if they don't like it, tell them that they can go fuck themselves. Sideways. With a rusty, stalling, rusty chainsaw.

Yeah, you are probably going to have to move out....so move out. You have money saved, right? So get the firetruck out of there! Go live your own fucking life. FUCK these people. Fuck them backwards in slow motion. Live. Your. Life.

I was so, so much happier in college when I could be alone and make my own personal schedule. I want out so bad, but with my money being taken from me all the time, I have no hope of escaping until my mother passes away.

Bullshit. You are a legal adult. Refuse to give them your money. Take a fucking stand. Tell them to get bent, go piss up a rope, go pound sand, eat you, whatever. But take a stand for yourself, for your pride, for your very life, and tell them that THIS is what you want to do, THIS is what you ARE going to do, and if they don't like it, TOUGH.

No. More. Excuses!!!!!

Can I suggest possibly looking into income-based housing? I personally would be looking at that for myself if I get the chance.

We make our own chances. Make yours. Do it. Now.

I know I gotta take my own advice.

Yes. Yes you do. I suggest starting now.

[Cookie]

As harsh as Jester's words sound to both of you going through this, this is literally what my husband and I both had to do. I got myself kicked out for speaking my mind because I couldn't take it any longer. He packed his things and left while his parents were gone. We each had about $50 to our names at the time. We are alive. Neither of us spent a night on the streets. It was one of the HARDEST times of both of our lives, but we are grateful every day that it happened. It is WORTH it to say fuck this and get out. I know first hand how utterly trapped and hopeless you guys feel. My husband's mother stole every bit of money he earned, too. At times she had his bank account overdrawn. He closed his account at that bank, hid as much as he possibly can from her, and it wasn't much, and got the hell out.

On first getting out, you may feel a little lost since nobody is controlling every aspect of your lives any more. To be utterly honest, I think in situations like these sometimes we can go through the same psychological disorders someone who has been kidnapped and had every aspect of their lives controlled goes through. Maybe not to the same degree, but a milder version. Still difficult as hell to get your mind to stop thinking that way, but you CAN. In the end, unless they are keeping you locked up, and if that's the case call the police, it's your call.

I was almost 25 when I got out. He was 19. It can be done.

ETA: His parents also never saw the light. We're not in contact with them at all. After I was out for a couple of years and demonstrated I was totally ok with not talking at all if they were still going to try to manipulate, mine did. In fact, they've apologized and are really careful now not to say anything that can even be construed as controlling. Our relationship now is better than it ever was. Point is, you have to be ok without them on all levels and show them that. Also know it may be the best thing that ever happened to your relationship with them.

[Jester]

As for the actual leaving - do not tell them. Just do it. Seriously. If you tell them anything they will do everything they can to stop you.

I am not so sure I agree with this. I see the point being made, and I understand it, I do. However, these people (at least the OP) are saying that they want to be treated like an adult. Well, as an adult, one stands up for what one believes is right, and one stands behind one's decisions.

Yes, I know that the parents are going to do everything they can to change the posters' minds. I get that. But I still think that they should stand up to their parents directly, rather than sneaking off in the middle of the night, as it were.

If it were my call--and it's not, don't get me wrong--I would get everything arranged ahead of time without telling the parents, and THEN tell them once everything is in place. Perhaps that day, perhaps a day ahead, whichever. But I WOULD tell them.

But each person knows their situation best, and each knows what they are capable of doing. So this may not work for you. I just happen to think that it would be extraordinarily liberating to not only leave, but to stand up to the people that have kept you there so long.

McD's is crap but it's cheap and will fill the hole in your belly.

It is crap. There is other food out there that is better for you and about as cheap. I give you Subway, among others.

Also, a bit of great advice I got a long time ago from a very surprising source. When I was a young poor college student, my mother, who doesn't really drink, and more importantly, doesn't really care for her children drinking, advised me that some of the best food deals can be had at bars during happy hour. Some do cheap food, some do special deals, some even do full-on all you can eat FREE buffets. It seemed odd that my non-drinking mother would be advising me to go to bars, but as it turns out, Mom was a pretty sharp cookie, and was absolutely correct. I ate well, and I ate cheap.

Where there is a will, there is always a way.

In the end, it is entirely up to you. Only YOU can make the necessary decision to leave the situation you are in now and put an end to your misery.

True, true, true, true, true, true, and TRUE.

And something you should be saying to yourself constantly if you really want to do this.

"In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me. In the end, it is entirely up to me."

Keep saying that internally. Remind yourself of that daily. Not just in this situation, but in many in life that make you feel like you have no power.

[Jester]

In some cases it's just easiest to get out first and then tell the parents. Depends on the parents, more than anything.

Oh, absolutely it depends on the particular situation. I was just saying that in general it is sometimes very freeing to make a stand against those who you have never made a stand against before it. I still remember clearly the first time I stood up to various bullies in school, and I guarantee you that they remember it as well.

(One of them may still have a dented head from where I slammed it into the trunk of a car. )

my mother tried to sic Children's Aid on me by saying I was an unfit parent for choosing to take my son so far away from her...

Oh, I would love to have heard the judge's reaction to that one. "Let me see if I understand you, madam. You are saying that your daughter here is an unfit mother because she wants to live some place you think is too far away? Riiiiight....next case!"

[jnd4rusty]

The best piece of advice I have ever heard and that I can give: NO ONE can take advantage of you or control you without your permission!! In other words, stand up for yourself and stop giving your permission to be treated in that manner. Life is a rough road, there are potholes everywhere but you are not going to get anywhere if you continue to let your parents control your every move. Just because they gave birth to you, does not give them the right to control you. I know that venting on this site helps but gosh darn it, do something about it!! There are resources available to help, a few that come to mind, United Way, Salvation Army, Consumer Credit Counseling, Lutheran Social Services and Catholic Social Services. They can offer inexpensive counseling and advice and even help you get a home. You do not have to be affiliated with a church or be religious to use their services, you should be able to find a program near you since you have access to the internet. YOUR PARENTS CANNOT stop you from leaving unless they physically tie you up and hold you prisoner. Right now they are holding you prisoner mentally, by making you believe that you have to be dependant upon them to survive. That is utter bullshit! You are the only one who is responsible for your life, no one else!! I wish you luck, the road will be rocky, but I would rather live at a homeless shelter than live in a toxic enviroment where my every move is controlled.

[AccountingDrone]

Yeah, you are probably going to have to move out....so move out. You have money saved, right? So get the firetruck out of there! Go live your own fucking life. FUCK these people. Fuck them backwards in slow motion. Live. Your. Life.



Bullshit. You are a legal adult. Refuse to give them your money. Take a fucking stand. Tell them to get bent, go piss up a rope, go pound sand, eat you, whatever. But take a stand for yourself, for your pride, for your very life, and tell them that THIS is what you want to do, THIS is what you ARE going to do, and if they don't like it, TOUGH.

You looking for another roomie aren't you?

[Jester]

Actually, AD, I am looking for another roomie, as New Roommate is about to become Ex Roommate. There's no bad blood, mind you, he just found a place better suited to him and closer to his jobs, which is important, as he doesn't have a car and gets around on a bicycle.

That being said, I am not in the area of the posters in question, and I may already have another person lined up to replace the outgoing roommate.