"Act like an adult!" How??

[ShadowBall]

I have found that taking a stand results in even more screaming, so I think the next step is to learn to stand one's ground. For example, when I have said before that I do not want to go to grad school, I was told, "It's for your own good" followed by such things as, "Why are you doing this to me?" and "I only want what's best for you." And since my mother is a narcissist, she feels she is always right and I am always wrong. This is why she did my homework for me until I was 14 - she felt I was too dumb to make it through grade school, but she wanted me to go to college.

Making arrangements before-hand and then just going at the last second has been proven to fail for me, personally. I've done it for other things and it ended in a screaming match, my mother accusing me of wanting her to have a stroke, and my plans falling through.

Don't know about the OP, but I've personally tried many of these tactics and they have all failed. I don't even have my own car, so I can't just pack all my shit into a vehicle and leave. This is why I often just let my mother have her own way - I know putting up a fight is a guaranteed lost battle from the start. This is how utterly hopeless I am. I do my best to cope with my anger (since I am not allowed to openly complain about anything since my mother has The Most Difficult Life In The World) and then let her live my life for me because I am obviously too dumb to know what's good for me and need her to make my choices for me like when I was four and thought going down the stairs on a sled was a good idea.

Someday I will make it change...I just don't know when since odds are very very good I will never be able to afford to live on my own AND pay my existing student debts back ($600 a month when I made $1300 last year?)

Sadly, I actually do not know a single person who does not live with their parents. Every single one of my friends as well as my boyfriend live at home. BF wanted me to go live with him, but his parents are just as mentally and verbally abusive as mine, so that'd be no good. Maybe if I go crazy enough, I can have my own room with padded walls and a nice new jacket with straps on it. If I stay here much longer, that IS something I can look forward to. Anyone who has ever been trapped by a loony parent knows how hard it is to try and escape because they spend your whole life convincing you that you need them and will shrivel up and die without their help.

[Jester]

I have found that taking a stand results in even more screaming...

Making arrangements before-hand and then just going at the last second has been proven to fail for me, personally.

Don't know about the OP, but I've personally tried many of these tactics and they have all failed.

This is why I often just let my mother have her own way - I know putting up a fight is a guaranteed lost battle from the start.

It is next to impossible to successfully wage a battle if you have already decided that you can't win.

It seems clear that you have already given up.

Sadly, I actually do not know a single person who does not live with their parents.

And this has to do with your situation....how? Your situation is yours. Not theirs. And their situation is not yours. Fuck what's going on with other people. Focus on YOUR life and how to change things for YOU.

Anyone who has ever been trapped by a loony parent knows how hard it is to try and escape because they spend your whole life convincing you that you need them and will shrivel up and die without their help.

And many of them have managed to succeed in escaping, as evidenced by some of the posts on this very thread.

But I guarantee you one thing: every single one of them that did escape did so because they decided they had had enough, that they were done being a victim, and that they were going to stand up and take control of their own lives. They decided that they had had enough of giving up and surrendering. They decided that they were done laying down and dying because someone else told them to.

As has been said already, only one person can change your situation, and that person is not me or your boyfriend or your friends or anyone on this board--it's YOU.

You can decide to either continue to bend over and take it and smile meekly while you continue to get reamed, or you can say "ENOUGH!" and go about changing things.

The choice is yours alone.

[AdminAssistant]

I just don't know when since odds are very very good I will never be able to afford to live on my own AND pay my existing student debts back ($600 a month when I made $1300 last year?)

You can call and either have your payments temporarily reduced or deferred completely. It might mean paying more interest later on, but having the cash to make a get away is more important right now.

[Treasure]

First of all - i want to thank everybody for their input and advise; I am not the type to sneak out; but (here's the part all of you esp Jester want to "hear") My bf and I are applying for a place - i have all the paperwork filled out, and am dropping it off along with the app fee after work; I have not told Mom yet, but I will when I know if we're getting the place (the bf has a record from when he was younger and stupid) I will let her know.
She even asked me if I would consider moving in with some friends of mine; and I let her know that the friend had mentioned it as a possibility but that their lease isn't up for a couple of months.

the rent is juuuuuust outside of what i can afford alone, but with the 2 of us, i think everything will feel easier; he may actually feel the pinch at first, b/c he's living with his parents and not paying rent/bills

my heart is pounding in my chest as i write this, i'm nervous/excited and going WTF! - its a HUGE step for me and the bf; i'm scared of the potential for fallout with my mom, because we normally do have a very awesome relationship, (NYE DRESS? in a week!)its just here recently i'm feeling constantly stressed just being around her....

so - turn in app
wait for a yes or no
if yes tell mom and prep to move! btw the unit i'm applying for is available NOW



^
pretty much sums up how i'm feeling right now!

oh yeah, wish us luck!

[jnd4rusty]

I just want to say that WE CARE, that is why we are pushing you to get the hell out of your situation and stop the excuses and stop being a doormat. Stop being the victim and become the victor!! DO NOT let your mom use emotional blackmail to keep you around and honestly, why would you even feel guilty if she did have "a breakdown" after the way she has treated you. You are being blackmailed left and right and letting yourself be a rug for everyone to trample. STOP IT!! Make things happen for yourself!!

[Jester]

Congrats, Treasure! Well done!

so - turn in app
wait for a yes or no
if yes tell mom and prep to move!

Cautionary advisory: Do not tell Mom when you get the yes from the apartment people. Tell her after you and bf have signed everything and it is solid, because you never know what may happen between "Sure, move in" and "Here's your key" that may prevent the second part. I've seen it before, with me and other people, just strange or even mundane shit.

If you are not going to tell her in advance, then don't tell her until it is signed (the lease), sealed (everyone's on the same page), and delivered (you have the keys).

Stop being the victim and become the victor!!

"I'd like to repeat that, because it sounds VAGUELY important!" -George Carlin

Stop being the victim and become the victor!

Be the master of your destiny, the leader of your life, your own guide through the wilderness of life.

"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." -Yoda

[Talon]

Awesome.

Here's one from Sun Tzu:

Victorious warriors achieve victory first, then go to war. While defeated warriors go to war first, and then seek to win.

[Mikkel]

oh yeah, wish us luck!

Good luck!
Shadowball, I know you are alone and it's much more difficult to plan everything without real life support, but you should try to do the same.
Keep your eyes open for possibilities and be prepared to take them.

[wolfie]

If your bank account is tied up with your parents, open a new account and start putting money into there. Close your old account or at least have no more money going into it - especially if your parents aren't allowing you to access your current bank account in whatever manner (holding onto your bank card, having forced you into an account that needs two signatures, etc.). If any money you do get is usually automatically deposited into your bank account look for a way to either get that money in cheque form or deposited into a brand new account, preferably with a different bank than the one your current account is in.

If they're holding onto your bank card, go to your bank in person and report the card stolen. Have your ID ready - the bank should be able to issue you a new card (even a temporary replacement card) on the spot. Bonus points if your parents try using the old card after it's been reported stolen - ATMs have cameras.

[Treasure]

Ok guys, some of you have been in really rough spots, my situation is not that bad - my mother's not abusive just really needy.



************
on another note





*happy dance* **HAPPY DANCE!!**






I GOT APPROVED FOR THE APARTMENT!!!

all on my own, the bf - not the lease (he'd get me disqualified)
Mom/Dad as co-signers - not needed!


Now i just need to tell mom and then figure out when i can move... oiy!

[ArcticChicken]

Ok guys, some of you have been in really rough spots, my situation is not that bad - my mother's not abusive just really needy.

Honey, yes, she is. She may not be physically abusing you, but emotional abuse is still abuse.

[Becks]

I GOT APPROVED FOR THE APARTMENT!!!

Congratulations!!!

[Talon]

I GOT APPROVED FOR THE APARTMENT!!!

Again, awesome!

Now i just need to tell mom and then figure out when i can move... oiy!

Remember Jester's warning, maybe set your moving "in motion" before telling her?

[Seshat]

Good for you, Treasure!


Now, for both of you - and for anyone else in a similar situation - here's the things of importance to move, and in sequence.

1. Yourself. Your dependents (children, pets) who may be abused if you leave them behind. Nappy bag if you're taking a baby.

2. ID. Paperwork. Just the key things - ID, passport, birth certificate, other proofs of identity.
Things you'd need to have to prove who you are.

3. More paperwork. Certifications, diplomas, degrees. Pay stubs. Credit reports. Tax returns for the previous few years. (7 if you can manage, less if necessary.) The latest two statements for loans, cell phones, etc.
Basically, things you'd need to get a job, and things you'd need to get a loan.
(You can get copies of these with #1, which is why they're less critical.)

4. (Disputably, this might be 2a.) Bank account access. Your bank cards, credit cards if any, documents for any assets you have. For instance, a spouse fleeing abuse might take a certified copy of mortgage paperwork.

5. The basics of life. Toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, change of clothes. Ditto for dependents.

6. Mementos. Things you'd be very sad to lose. EG, the necklace my Nan left me in her will, or the urn with my wife's cat's ashes.

7. Necessary basics: enough bedding to make a bedroll on the floor, a couple of towels, some dishes. All if you own them, of course. If not, pick them up for cheap at a charity shop.

8. Everything else.

As you can see, you could pack everything from 1 to 5 in a single suitcase, or even a large satchel.

You can go with numbers 1 and 2 with no preparation at all - just grab your wallet or handbag and GO.

2, 3, 4 and 6 you have to take from your current living space, or (except for the mementos) get re-issued from the appropriate agencies.

All the others, you can get enough to live on from charity shops, public libraries, and so forth. You might not be comfortable, you might feel poor and hard done by, but you'll have enough.

[Jester]

Now i just need to tell mom and then figure out when i can move... oiy!

Suggestion: first figure out when you can move, then arrange for yourself to move at that time, then make sure everything is ready to go, with you, with the bf, with the apartment, with the utilities (if you need to set them up)...and THEN tell your mother. Make it a fait accompli before you announce it so that anything your mom says, yells, whines, or shouts is moot.

If not, pick them up for cheap at a charity shop.

Or a dollar store, thrift store, yard sales, garage sales, estate sales (best stuff at estate sales, by the way), etc.