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  • #46
    No worries, everybody's still alive. Mom's moron was supposed to begin chemo today, but I guess he decided not to because he is apparently going to a cancer treatment center in Maryland next week.

    In addition, I guess the guy has been taking some kind of herbal alternative cancer treatment called Paw Paw. I don't even know where he got it from, but I guess it's not meant to be taken during chemo because the pills will reduce the effectiveness of the chemo and necessitate a higher dose. This Paw Paw stuff also can be rendered ineffective by various vitamins and minerals, including high doses of vitamin C and iodine (hello iodized salt?)

    From the way the doctor talked, chemo is going to help the guy significantly. Why he's dragging his ass as far as actually getting it is way beyond me. In any case, people have calmed down in here a lot within the last week.

    Comment


    • #47
      Correct me if I'm wrong....

      1. Your mother is co-dependant. She "wants" to look self-sufficient, but will cling like toiletpaper to a shoe when she finds someone she can "have" or "live with" that fits her needs.

      2. Your mother is a control freak/depressed/insecure person (see #1) which then has her moods and thoughts going whip whap Cadillac. (Mow! No Mow! Drive! My Drive! Me mememe you fixy)

      3. The BF is kind of in denial about the cancer/body issue at hand. He's futzing around on the treatment.
      3a: If he's futzing on treatment, your mother will freak out more and be less focused. (I want to say more scatterbrained) She sees: omfg he not fixing omg where will I go omg halp omg omg you fix everything kid, but omg dont do that.

      4. You are feeling duty-bound to be around mother and help Mom. You are also resenting the time it's taking and how much futzing the BF is doing. I'm hearing "everyone needs a Clue By Four and I'm fixin to deliver it!!!"

      5. You are frustrated because you KNOW how messy it will be if he leaves (which, if he futzes, he will) and you do NOT WANT to deal with that.

      Hm.

      Your mother and BF are their own nucleus. You are a separate entity. You all share living quarters, but you are totally responsible for yourself.
      I would say that it's up to your mother and BF to figure out WTF THEY ARE DOING. Head in sand or not, debt or not, it needs to be seen to.

      My thinking is: Get the fuck out of Dodgehouse. Use student loans if you must, but get out. Once you are out, it will help separate the thoughts/issues and who's responsible for what. Then you will be able to draw boundaries. Offer to help with the lawn/front landscape. If she accepts, do it on your own term (right now you're in her house = she has say so). If she doesn't like it, tough shit. Mow the lawn. It's either "Mom, I mow it as I need to, or you pay landscaping for X /month." Be blunt, to the point and very yes/no. (When I'm depressed..superdepressed or sick, I'm STUPID. The choice for dinner in pantry is large rocks or Spaghetti...and I can't choose!!! Duh, it would be spaghetti, durrr)

      Corner your mother one day away from the house. Have a deep talk (this might be after things settle a bit). go over about 1 large issue and a couple small ones.. Debt. Will. Caretaking. (you'll overwhelm her).
      Write the questions out: Mom. You do konw you're in the hole, right? If BF is in hospice care and not working, how can this be addressed? Let's just say he's in a holding pattern right now, how to deal with this? It's YOU mom, not YOU AND BF...this is YOU. (suggest credit counsling or such)

      Mom: do you have a will? No? Why not combine that will/credit stuff at the same time? I bet a chat w/ a pro bono would help! I can line that up if you go.

      Mom: ok. You're in the hole for X $ . Your credit people say declare Bankruptcy or sell house. If you go B, you have 12mo to figure it all out. BF has 6mo. If you sell house, you can do it in 6 - and he's in hospice already. Your call.


      And you - go get your own help - there will be a death, not someone you really truly give a crap about, but it will affect people YOU DO CARE FOR. Which means it will rub off on you.

      Second for you: Can you pause education for a semester? Not now, but if things get worse? Find out, and find out what the ideas for loans are. YOU FIRST THEM SECOND.

      Hugs.
      In my heart, in my soul, I'm a woman for rock & roll.
      She's as fast as slugs on barbituates.

      Comment


      • #48
        Unfortunately, I cannot get student loans anymore. I'm guessing it's because I already owe $75K to my last school, and I was told that I could be arrested if I use student loan money for anything besides tuition. Aside from scholarships and paying out of pocket, there are no student financial options for me. My attending in July is solely dependent on whether or not I get a loan because I have not a cent to my name I can put toward the $4700 they want.

        But otherwise, yeah, you've hit the nail on the head as far as my mother's behavior and her idiot's behavior. Mom wants everyone to think she's a strong, independent woman, but she needs a man around to do men's work.

        The thing with my mother is she feels she is right about everything. And her moron feels he is right about everything too. The times I have advised on absolutely anything to either of them, I have been ignored because I'm just a dumb twenty-something with no life experience, so therefore I am the one who's wrong. In short, I can talk until I am blue in the face, but neither of them will listen to a word of it if it conflicts with their current opinions. A good example is the idiot bitching that he needs help using the internet...I stand beside him and tell him exactly what to do. He doesn't listen to a word of it because it would mean admitting his error, so I just stand there for 45 minutes while he clicks on ads.

        And sadly, I also cannot put my education on hold - partly because my mother will not allow it (yes, I have told her more than once I don't want to go, and even had nervous breakdowns over it, but she still makes me go "for my own good"), and partly because the school has the program set up so you cannot finish it in bits and pieces. It has to be "do it all right now" or you don't graduate. I think the only reason I stay in this program is because it lets me get out of my house for a week or two a few times a year, and I need that escape from the insanity in the house. I also used to do that by visiting my best friend from undergrad, but I know I won't be "allowed" to see him any time soon because of all the drama in the house right now. That, and my mother has already said she will call the police and say my friend kidnapped me if he drives all the way here (six hours away) to take me back to the city to spend a bit of time with him.

        Obviously, my mother does not want me leaving the protective little bubble she's built around the house. She has absolutely no life and she sure as hell doesn't want me having one either.

        Comment


        • #49
          go to
          http://studentaid.ed.gov/students/pu...10/receive.htm
          scroll down/Find: What can I use my federal student loan money for?'
          "You may use the money you receive only to pay for education expenses at the school that awarded your loan. Education expenses include school charges such as tuition; room and board; fees; books; supplies; equipment; dependent childcare expenses; transportation; and rental or purchase of a personal computer. Talk to someone at the financial aid office at your school if you need more details." It's a bit ambiguious, maybe-- so talk to the fin.aid office at school to double-check. Who told you "just tuition"? I know people can rent apartments with it, buy food, etc.... my friends did/do that!
          If she calls the cops, then explain when they're there that no you were not kidnapped. Or, call them preemptively (Locally and Otherplace) and tell them that your mother will say x, when y is actually happening. It might work, I've never really dealt with this kind of situation.
          "Is it the lie that keeps you sane? Is this the lie that keeps you sane?What is it?Can it be?Ought it to exist?"
          "...and may it be that I cleave to the ugly truth, rather than the beautiful lie..."

          Comment


          • #50
            Quoth ShadowBall View Post
            That, and my mother has already said she will call the police and say my friend kidnapped me if he drives all the way here (six hours away) to take me back to the city to spend a bit of time with him.
            Call her bluff. The police will want to talk to you separately from your friend, but if you calmly and politely explain the real situation, they'll listen.

            You're an adult, not a child. You have the right to not be at your mother's house sometimes. Or all the time. She can't make the police enforce her edicts. (She could get them to make you leave her home - trespass - but she can't get them to make you stay. That's unlawful imprisonment.)
            Seshat's self-help guide:
            1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
            2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
            3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
            4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

            "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

            Comment


            • #51
              I also learned more as far as this little treatment trip to Maryland. The moron is taking part in a clinical trial for a drug that has not been approved by the FCC, but allegedly has an 80 percent cancer-curing rate. Even though he has either stage III or stage IV cancer. Eh well, it's got to be better than the holistic voodoo horse shit he was on before.

              And my mother apparently has not yet gotten the memo that I turned 18 almost six years ago. This is the woman who has to approve my outfit before I go anywhere in public with her. We once argued for about a half an hour over a shirt I wanted to wear - she felt it was too wrinkled and I felt it was not, so we fought and eventually I let her iron it for 30 seconds to shut her the hell up.

              And she feels that my friend is automatically a bad driver because he's my age and because his car broke down once before on the way home (it's fine now). She constantly tells me that he can't come and get me here because his car sucks so bad and says things like, "Something will happen to the car and then you'll be dead in a ditch! And then what?" Frankly, the person I trust the least behind the wheel of a car is my mother herself. She's the one who has run red lights and stop signs because she was too busy scratching herself and sniffing her fingers.

              Comment


              • #52
                >_> *pokes at Shadow about the Federal Aid thingy in my previous post*
                Y'know... I probably would have screamed back "Then I'd be dead in a fucking ditch--and away from you!" This is frustrating me badly to an atomic level (and I get violent when I'm that frustrated) and I'm only 'listening' to it on the internet.
                "Is it the lie that keeps you sane? Is this the lie that keeps you sane?What is it?Can it be?Ought it to exist?"
                "...and may it be that I cleave to the ugly truth, rather than the beautiful lie..."

                Comment


                • #53
                  No worries, teh_blumchenkinder. I did see what you wrote, but the thing is I cannot actually take out any student loans whatsoever due to the amount I owe in student loans from my last college. I'm trying to get a Grad PLUS loan for school now...I asked for one last year and never got it, but I was told I am eligible for a Stafford loan for $20K this year. And it was the financial aid office at my last school that told me loans were only for tuition costs. I'm thankful I didn't take out loans for more than tuition and housing, though - I graduated with almost $75K in debt just from the credits and the dorm alone!

                  I loved the first time I tried to go see my friend. My mother started sobbing, and talking about how I'm her only child and she doesn't want anything to happen to me, how I couldn't have two boyfriends (since male friend totally is the same as a boyfriend), and what could I do with my friend that I could not do here at home? And of course the threats of me being dead in a ditch if my friend drives here to get me. Never mind he's driven 2/3 of the way to get me before. She's calmed down about me visiting him now, but I always have to deal with drama and screaming and crying any time I want to visit him. I don't ask my mother for money, and often times I carpool with a family friend who lives a short 45 minutes away. I even say I will take a cab because my friend says he will help me with gas money if need be, and then my mother screams about how everyone is "n-word rich" and has all this money when she's broke. It's...very special.

                  Driving that 45 minutes is extraordinarily special...last time I went, it was a complete team effort because it was just me, her and my BF who offered to help her get back. There was screaming, bitching to write down notable landmarks on the way, and her praying the whole time. I just wish, for ONCE, I could go see him without screaming. Just, "Hey, I want to go see my friend" and her saying, "When you going?" Just for a little change.

                  I especially love when I was in the throes of a nervous breakdown about going to grad school, and she promised me I could go see my friend if I just quit crying and went to school. I come back and try to make her make good on her promise and she screams, "Aw no, you ain't startin' THAT shit again!" Yes, apparently wanting to see a friend is considered "startin' shit" in her mind. She did the same shit when I was a kid...promised me stuff to make me shut up and do something, and then yelled at me when I asked for the thing she promised me. She'd lie right to my face, but then scream bloody murder at me if I lied to her.

                  Good times.

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    ...
                    dear lemmings.
                    Leave. Leave NOW. She's insane.
                    "Is it the lie that keeps you sane? Is this the lie that keeps you sane?What is it?Can it be?Ought it to exist?"
                    "...and may it be that I cleave to the ugly truth, rather than the beautiful lie..."

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      You know, Shadow... I'm not sure if YOU got the memo that you turned 18 six years ago.

                      Get a job and get out of there. Sleep on a friend's couch if you have to. It won't be worse than being with her.
                      Seshat's self-help guide:
                      1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                      2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                      3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                      4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                      "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Apparently the Greatest Cancer Treatment Center Evar had to send the moron back home to get a tissue sample taken and sent BACK to them to test various drugs on because he allegedly has a very rare form of cancer. But the fun part is Greatest Cancer Treatment Center Evar had his tissue samples the day before he left the place and they just did not know it. So he has to go back in about two weeks to try this thing again.

                        And he's been staying out all night, sleeping who knows where and coming back the following day. Thankfully he calls my mother to tell her so, so Mom doesn't wake me up at 4 am to ask me if he came home (I would like to think the presence of a vehicle in the driveway would be telling enough, but nope. Gotta wake me up).

                        Mom has no idea where he goes or who he stays with, which isn't exactly helping to dissolve the thoughts that he has a side dish or two. My guess is he figures he's on death's door, so he may as well live it up and get drunk every night.

                        And then when he does come home, he starts bitching. Last time he was home, he bitched about how much stuff was in my mother's room and how there was more than one bag of shredded cheese in the refrigerator. Basically, if he's got an audience, he will find something to bitch about. This isn't anything new...he's just doing it more often...and the fun part is I have to be more forgiving because he has cancerrrrr.

                        I'm hoping he's getting treatment on Father's Day, only so I am not forced by my mother to get him a Father's Day card (since his own kids hate him), sign it, "Love, Shadowball" and give him a hug and tell him I love him. This is what I have to do on his birthday and on Father's Day so he won't up and leave. Good times. I say this shit with such apathy to him that he can't possibly think I mean it.

                        His cancer can't be too bad if he can afford to wait this long to get treatment. I wouldn't be surprised if the cancer grew another stage between the time of diagnosis and right now.

                        In the meantime, I found out that my credit is still bearable and that I qualified for a $20K loan for school (which will cover fewer than four semesters). But now the school has to actually agree to let me have it. And I might not get the scholarship I won because they told me on very short notice I have to register for the fall semester by the first of June without telling me what classes I need, without sending me registration forms, and without clearing me to even register online. I have not registered because I don't know WTF classes I need to take (I have a good idea, but I'm not absolutely sure).

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