How to deal with lovesick friend

[ShadowBall]

Sorry for my serial posting. This is an issue I've actually been dealing with for a couple of years and...well...it's getting on my nerves.

I have a good friend whom I will call "Ben." I met Ben in undergrad and we became good friends. I live six hours from him, but I am able to visit him every few months due to carpooling with someone who lives near him that frequently visits her own family.

Ben is also in love with me. I got him to admit he cared for me a couple years ago and at some point along the way, he confessed he loved me. I do care a lot for him and I dare say I had a little crush on him for a bit (did not date him on the side or anything), but not in any way enough to make me leave my boyfriend for him.

Basically, I cannot mention my BF or even imply anything about him around Ben because Ben absolutely hates my BF for existing. I cannot say I'm going to visit my BF to Ben because he gets upset. When I go visit Ben and I call my BF to say I reached Ben's town safely, I can't do it in front of Ben because he'll become very upset. He somehow found out my BF's name (I never told him what it was) and he even says my BF's name inspires a tremendous rage in him.

On average, it takes me 1-2 hours to cheer Ben back up once he enters a depression. He's known for almost our entire friendship that I wasn't single, but it became a problem only later on as his feelings intensified.

I don't want him to be sad, but shouldn't he have more or less accepted the fact that I am not single and do not intend to be? His behavior basically makes me feel guilty for having a significant other that is not Ben himself. Someone once suggested to me to not pussyfoot around my relationship and mention my boyfriend as if I were talking to a normal non-emo person; Ben has also told me he doesn't want me to lie to him if I go see my boyfriend because he doesn't want me to treat him like a child and hide the truth from him. But being honest leads to him being depressed and an hour-long cheer-up session that may or may not be successful, so I find that lying by omission is the easiest solution.

I know how much it can hurt to want to be with someone you cannot have - I had that feeling when I was pining for my boyfriend before we got together and I often cried myself to sleep thinking about him because I felt so heartbroken. But never would I have made him feel guilty about not being with me. Ben does often acknowledge his behavior is selfish and childish and will apologize, but he sure doesn't stop the behavior.

So basically I do my best to not mention my boyfriend around him. When I visit Ben, I have to either call my BF before I reach Ben's house, call him while Ben is showering, while he's at work, or hide in the house somewhere to have a stealth phone call. I should not have to do this, but I hate dealing with Emo Ben.

Please no one suggest not being friends with Ben. Despite how he behaves when he's upset, he is very sweet to me when he's happy and is one of only a couple people I talk to regularly and I think I may very well become more depressed without him in my life. I don't know how else to deal with him when he gets depressed besides what I've been doing. My friends are so few and so precious and I often will do anything I can to ensure I never personally make them sad and possibly drive them away.

Is there anything I can do that I have not yet tried?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Consider if this sounds like something healthy to you?

What are you getting out of this relationship with this childish person, really?

You have to not mention your significant other to a grown ass man for fear of setting him off? I could see it if you felt like you had to hide your friendship with Ben from your BF...not condone it, mind, but I could see it. But the other way around...that's bizarre and unreasonable.

What does the BF think about all this?

My husband's head would explode if he knew I had a male friend that I had to pretend to be single around.

What you can try that so far you haven't is to stop encouraging him.

[Rapscallion]

There's only one cure. Time.

Sorry - the answer sucks, but it's the only one I have.

Rapscallion

[ShadowBall]

Wow, that was fast, guys.

I don't think it's healthy, no. I know for a fact Ben was diagnosed with depression in his teens, but he doesn't take anti-depressants anymore. Methinks he's still got some form of depression. And my BF doesn't know Ben acts like this, though I think he figures some of my guy friends have been in love with me or currently are anyway. He knows I'm not going to leave him, though, so I don't think he minds. Hell, one of my more outgoing guy friends kissed me without warning and BF was more upset thinking I might leave him than about my being kissed! I digress.

Thing is Ben is an adult in every other way...it's not like he's a perpetual child languishing in his mother's basement jerking off and watching hentai day and night while having no job. He's a good worker, he has a job, he's responsible. I really am flattered he sees anything redeeming about me, but I just wish he could handle my relationship as maturely as he does everything else.

I had several guys in college admit they liked me, and none of them behaved like this. Another thing is Ben gets jealous of my platonic male friends too! He doesn't get fall-down depressed over them, but he becomes immediately disinterested if I mention other guy friends from college, local guy friends, or even a male penpal I have.

And he won't date anyone because no other woman is me, so there's no chance of him maybe forgetting about me and being with someone else. I only wish I knew how long it would take for him to accept my relationship if time is the only thing that can cure his love sickness.

[iradney]

Why should you have to change your behaviour? Honestly, the fact that he says your BF's name inspires huge rage in him is a red flag to me. The sulking and acting depressed sounds a hell of a lot like emotional blackmail.

If Ben was really a friend, he would eventually come to terms with the fact that you're not available, you're completely ga-ga for your BF; and that you will always be a friend to him.
I've been Ben once. I realised my behaviour was driving my friend away, and I had to do some serious soul searching. Was I actually in love with my friend, or in love with the idea of being in love?

Your BF is part of your life. Why must you hide a significant part of your life from a so-called friend? I would suggest dialing back on the visits a bit, and if he asks why, tell him that while you enjoy spending time with him, the fact that he expects you to hide/deny an important part of your life is incredibly hurtful. Sure, he SAYS talk about him, but his behaviour when you do speaks volumes.

Put it this way - would you tolerate someone else treating your BF like this? Your sibling? A friend?

[Slayer]

You see him every few months and he still acts the same way each time? He doesn't want to be treated like a child, but he's not growing as an adult. Since you appear to be very serious with your current boyfriend, he should have been able to accept this. I'm not saying that he should have stopped being in love with you by now, but he definitely should have been able to accept the status of your friendship with him.

Your friendship with him is not healthy. I'm sorry. If you're constantly in the position of validating your friendship with Ben *and* your relationship with your boyfriend *but* at the same time hiding said boyfriend from your friend ... how have you not gone crazy by now? You even need to spend the time to cheer him up ... every time. That would just be too much for me.

If you haven't already sat down with Ben and given him a reality check, please do so. The truth hurts, yet, but maybe he will finally understand that some things are just not going to happen. You're hiding a part of your heart and yourself to make him happy. It's going to wear you down.

Assuming you want to get married (I'm a new-ish member so I don't know everyone's backstory), what happens if/when your bf proposes? An amazingly happy moment will have that nagging tick in the back of your head that will go 'oh crap ... Ben'.

I know you don't want to end your friendship with him. Okay. Like Rapscallion said, time. Take a break from each other after putting everything on the table. Let him now it hurts you for him to be like that. See how it goes after that. If he's still holding a torch for you ... then I don't know what else you can do. You'll have done everything.

I'm like you, by the way, I have few friends. But I have quality. I've know my best friend since we were 12. 14 years now. I have a few people that I talk to on occasion, but that's pretty much it. I'm a loner by nature so it's perfect for me. I don't think I could keep doing what you do just to keep my list from getting shorter. I'm not built like that. I dropped 2 friends at the end of high school; they changed so much that I couldn't be bothered to pretend to be like them to 'fit in'. One of the girls I need since grade 3.

Good luck with Ben. I hope you both can settle on a friendship that isn't based on pain.

[Slayer]

I really am flattered he sees anything redeeming about me ...

What? Why do you think that?

Another thing is Ben gets jealous of my platonic male friends too! He doesn't get fall-down depressed over them, but he becomes immediately disinterested if I mention other guy friends from college, local guy friends, or even a male penpal I have.

And he won't date anyone because no other woman is me, so there's no chance of him maybe forgetting about me and being with someone else.

Hon, that part worries me. A lot. That's the beginning stages of a possessive and obsessive attitude.

You're narrowing your world by being with him since when you /are/ with him, you have to pretend everything else doesn't exist. That's really hard.

[ShadowBall]

Honestly, I have asked myself many times why I need to change my behavior and monitor what I say. I had to do similar shit with a former friend who was a total emotional vampire and a liar - no matter what I said, there was a least a 1 in 5 chance that anything I said ran the risk of "bringing back bad memories from high school" or somehow reminding him of his dead ex-girlfriend (who may or may not have even existed). So I was basically on thin ice all the time and didn't know what would send Ex-Friend spiraling into a depression.

I just know one day I'm going to be in a bad mood and let Ben have it with both barrels over this, and I'd rather address it in a calmer manner. I kick myself for not trying to thwart this behavior of his sooner rather than let it go on for over two years. And doing this has already worn me down.

And due to my incredibly low self-esteem, I am flattered if any man shows a romantic interest in me that isn't a disgusting perv. And I do think were I to be with Ben, he would be obsessed and controlling like my ex was.

I know I need to talk to him about this, but it is so damn hard. If I hated him, I'd have no issue telling him to knock it off, but it's difficult when he's a dear friend and I know telling him to stop this shit will hurt him. I mean I won't rub my relationship in his face or anything, but I would really just like to be able to say to him, "I'm going to go visit BF today, I'll be home late, so don't freak out if I'm not online" without drama, depression and me acting as a therapist. I used to say I was going to visit a friend, but he's gotten wise to the fact that I mean my BF when I say that, so can't say that any longer. And it's not like my relationship was a recent development - I've been with my guy for over six years, so I was with him long before I even met Ben.

I do care a lot about my friend, which is why I go to such lengths to ensure he stays happy.

[Kheldarson]

Here's my suggestion then. Until he can handle hearing about your BF online, don't visit him. Don't put yourself in a position where you feel you have to lie or where you'll be stuck comforting him for something that he shouldn't need comforting for anyway. Essentially, don't go visit him unless you can immediately extract yourself if he starts getting depressed.

Why?

Because it's not your fault. If he's in a funk, fine. You comforting him is just adding to the "I'm in love with you" thing he's got. Whenever I was crushing/obsessing over a guy, any kind of attention he paid to me just added to the "I know he likes me" ideal I had...even though it was completely wrong.

So you're talking online and he gets in a funk over a mention of the bf. You say, "Sorry you're upset, but you know I'm happily taken. I'll come back later to see if you've calmed down." Then stop talking to him. Repeat as necessary until he's capable of addressing the fact that you're taken in an adult manner.

Time and tough love are necessary here. If the friendship survives, it should still be strong. But you've got to start standing up for the relationship you have with your bf. Otherwise, Ben's going to keep trying to push against it.

[BookstoreEscapee]

he doesn't want me to treat him like a child

Tell him to stop acting like one, then.

Why should you have to change your behaviour? Honestly, the fact that he says your BF's name inspires huge rage in him is a red flag to me. The sulking and acting depressed sounds a hell of a lot like emotional blackmail.

Think about this from a different perspective. If Ben were your boyfriend, would you put up with this kind of behavior? If you came on here and said "My boyfriend does all this" people would be telling you to get out of the relationship.

I just know one day I'm going to be in a bad mood and let Ben have it with both barrels over this,

Maybe that's what he needs...

I do care a lot about my friend, which is why I go to such lengths to ensure he stays happy.

What kind of lengths does he go to to make sure you are happy? I'm a lot like you; I don't like to make people unhappy, I don't like to cause bad feelings or fights, but sometimes it's unavoidable. And at those times I'm much more likely to just back away rather than instigate some kind of confrontation. But sometimes a confrontation is necessary if you really want to fix the problem. Either he starts to deal or you get fed up and finally just let the friendship go.
You are not responsible for his depression or inability to deal with the reality of your relationship, and you can't be expected to tiptoe around his feelings for the rest of your life.

[42_42_42]

Why are you friends with this guy? It sounds like you aren't getting anything positive out of the relationship and are getting a LOT of negative out of it. Honestly, I think you'd be better off ending the friendship.

[Dilorenzo]

Despite you having said you don't want to end your friendship with Ben, I have to agree with 42. This relationship doesn't sound like it's healthy - for either of you.

[ArcticChicken]

I know you said you don't want to end the friendship, but you need to seriously consider it. Ben's behavior is NOT HEALTHY. In a creepy-obsessive stalker kinda way.

Every time you spend hours comforting him, it reinforces his obsession with you.

Ask yourself a question: is Ben so nice to you because it's an act of friendship, or because he's trying to convince you to be with him?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Having been on the receiving end of this sort of pathetic moping and angst more than once, he's trying to change her mind.

They all think if they can just find that right thing to say or do, you'll relent.

I've had to ratchet back the friendship meter way back on several dudes that had boundary issues. And the guy friend I had that was doing what Ben is doing (getting jealous of other platonic friends, even ones that were female) I had to walk away from.

Which sucked, because I frankly adored him. I knew we could not be together because of the jealousy of other friends thing. Ironically, that was my deal breaker. If he hadn't tried so hard to hold onto me, I'd probably be with him today.

Obsession is not healthy. Don't feed it. Every time you collude with him in his little fantasy that your BF does not exist, every time you allow him to get all bent out of shape when you mention him, you encourage him.

I'm sure it's very flattering, having all this attention from him. It's not normal and it's not healthy, and what he's doing is emotionally manipulating you.

[Eireann]

I agree. Ben can be sweet? Well, so can a lot of other guys who aren't obsessive, controlling, manipulative whiners. The sweetness is part of an act to keep you hooked. He knows that if he pouted and whined all the time, you'd soon get sick of him, so he pours on the charm.

Always remember, manipulators have been doing this for a long, long time. A toddler who throws a fit in public, and gets rewarded for it, will keep throwing fits in public. Ben is old enough to know that his behavior is wrong, but he's being rewarded for it, so he's not going to stop.

Repeat: HE'S NOT GOING TO STOP.

Ever.

This is who Ben is, how he is, and what he is. He needs serious therapy to stop being this way, and you've made no mention that he's seeking any sort of help. He's not your child, not your boyfriend, and not your problem.

You don't need him. You might think you do, but you don't. Focus, instead, on having the best life you can have, and you'll be surprised at what happens. Most of us are taught that we have to give away all our personal power and that we somehow have the ability to "make" other people happy, but guess what? We don't. We owe it to ourselves and the world to be happy as we are, and not to coddle and baby others who want to make us dependent on them.

How would you feel if your boyfriend was willing to travel six hours to see a woman who had to be tiptoed around, who went into a rage if your name was mentioned, who didn't want your boyfriend even mentioning platonic female friends? Would you like it? Would you feel that you had a secure relationship with him if he was willing to be some other woman's doormat?