Dealing With An Overly Sensitive and Insecure Boyfriend

[SuperRTL]

What he's doing is emotional blackmail. You've got to nip that crap right in the bud. Personally, I'd go with the options Jester pointed out. I was years into the marriage from hell before I figured it out. And yeah, people can change, but, honestly, unless you're willing to commit at least 5 years to the relationship to try to get him to change, I'd drop him. Because, really, if you're willing to commit 5 years to changing somebody else's behavior, you don't dislike it enough anyway and it might not work. Ask yourself if you're willing to deal with an escalation of the crappy behavior and then go from there. If you are, good for you, enjoy the relationship. If not, kick him to the curb now and don't waste the energy.

[Marmalady]

I'm with SuperRTL, Jester and Shangri-Las Child on this (and others). This is just another way of trying to control someone else, only instead of fists and threats, he's making you feel as if you are solely responsible for his happiness. And whatever you do or say, it's never enough is it? You're already being made to feel bad for wanting an actual life of your own, rather than just being a part of his.
Believe me, I had years of the same kind of thing. Nowadays, if I ask "Is something wrong?" and someone says "No" I take them at their word.

[Seshat]

I don't think you can change people, but I do think people can--and do--change.

And I believe you can set up the opportunity for change. Study - really study - good animal training techniques.

Provide reward for good behaviours.

Provide reward for when the animal/person is doing what you want them to do.

Modify the environment to discourage bad behaviours, or pointedly ignore bad behaviours, distract from bad behaviours, or (as a last choice) actively punish bad behaviours.
As examples:
Modifying the environment:
* if we provide smaller, but regularly changed piddle pads, our dog will use them. Larger piddle pads where we want her to use them twice, she'll piddle next to it instead. So yes, this time /she/ taught /us/, but it worked.
* provide a scratch pole that's more attractive to the cat than the lounge chair is.
* put double-sided tape on the kitchen counters, until the cat learns that jumping onto them results in EWWW STICKY.
* my husband has HIS corner of the computer room, and can keep it messy. It's hidden away. My and my wife's corners are more public, and cleaner & tidier. His used to be public, and embarassed us.
* If someone constantly throws dirty clothes on the floor and it's hard to get them to change, consider putting a clothes hamper there instead of nagging them.

Pointedly ignoring bad behaviour:
* our dog started out jumping on us for attention. We would fold our arms and stick our chins up. As soon as she stopped, we'd crouch down and 'good girl' her. Then we progressed: she stopped, we'd command her to sit, THEN we'd crouch and 'good girl' her.
Now she comes up to a person and sits when she wants attention. If we don't notice her, she makes a polite little whine.
* Marmalady's comment about taking a person at their word when they say nothing's wrong is another example of pointedly ignoring bad behaviour. Especially if you say 'oh, that's okay then' and turn and go on with your day.

....

Anyway, I could go on, but I think the point is made.

[georgie]

i dont think you should break up with him but i do think you should set some firm limits.

1. silent treatment is an absolute no go. if he has a problem with you then he talks to you like an adult. giving someone the silent treatment is pathetic. its the way my mother used to punish me as a child/teenager.


2. he's not allowed to put words in your mouth. when you're bored with him you will tell him. he doesnt get to tell you what you're feeling.


3. he's missing opportunities by being way too sensitive. if you're sitting with him and telling him something sexual/kinky that you like then instead of him moaning at you hours later that he's inadequate he's got to learn how to say "woohoo, sweetheart get naked NOW".



i understand what youre saying about this being a much better relationship because the last one was awful but just because its a bit better doesnt mean you should stay.

[ArcticChicken]

I can think of exactly two reasons it is acceptable to NOT tell your S/O when they've done something that upsets you:

1. You're feeling sensitive for some other reason (ie, stress, sick, hormones, that kind of thing) and know that the only reason this thing upset you is because of the other thing.

2. You or your S/O are not in a headspace where you can talk it out like rational adults, so you wait to talk about it when you are.

[taxguykarl]

Here's a good self-help book. It helped Mrs. TGK deal with her manipulative mother.

[Seshat]

I can think of exactly two reasons it is acceptable to NOT tell your S/O when they've done something that upsets you:

1. You're feeling sensitive for some other reason (ie, stress, sick, hormones, that kind of thing) and know that the only reason this thing upset you is because of the other thing.

Even then, I tell my loves that I'm oversensitive and stressed and please not to worry when I freak out over nothing.

[Barracuda]

Sounds to me like he has some deep seated self esteem issues that need to be dealt with. I honestly don't think he's doing this on purpose, it's probably subconscious. How do I know? I used to be that way myself in some ways (no silent treatment though.) This isn't something you can necessarily help him with alone. He probably needs counseling. Someone wise that he can talk to about what's bothering him, preferably once a week. If he opens up to that person, they can help him measure his responses, explain to him when he's overreacting, explain how he should react, and give him helpful advice. And since it would be a neutral third party, there wouldn't be the pressure or feeling of being judged we get when someone we are friends or close to tries to give us criticism, making the advice more likely to be listened to. However, there are a few things you can do.
Try to avoid saying anything that could be construed as a criticism of his sexual ability or looks. Women, I think, don't understand the pressure on men to perform, to "be good in bed." Women have to put up with more judgement before sex...looks, weight, etc. However, once sex begins, men tend to be judged more, culturally, than women are. Men are judged more on their ability to "perform" than women are. Some guys can be very self conscious about it, ESPECIALLY when they already feel insecure. Instead of saying something like "Oh, you never do that," why not say "Oh, let's try that!" instead? Also, consider having couples counseling sessions--either with a counselor occasionally he sees regularly alone or with a separate counselor.
Honesty is a great counter. Make sure you let him know something positive once a day at least whenever possible. This will help build him up. Be honest; don't make something up, and don't pretend when you're angry, but it can help. Have honest discussions when you think he's upset. Make sure that you're hearing things the way he intended when he said it and vice versa. This also should help.

[Jester]

I'd be very interested in any update on the situation from Blas, as I don't believe she's commented on this situation in some time.

[blas]

Things have been going pretty well. He's never been that big of a talker (which is fine by me really, because my last relationship, I spent nearly 3 years always struggling for my turn to talk), so I doubt he'd ever be interested in talking to someone about his problems. I don't really know where they stem from. Although things have been going pretty well.

I know what it's like to doubt yourself at times, the way you may look or measure up to others. I've gotten a lot better as I've gotten older, though. I still have my moments where I see a twiglet girl and think "Eat something!" but then I remember I'm only thinking that because I am as curvy as Kim Kardashian and will never be that small or wear some of those styles of clothes because they'd look awful on a fuller figure. I didn't realize until recently that guys feel so pressured....or maybe just some guys do? I never expect anyone to be perfect and I just don't understand why someone would allow their own insecurities to get in the way of good things.

[Barracuda]

It's not intentional. When you are insecure, you just can't stop being insecure because you want to. When I was in relationships before, I felt like I was lucky to have found someone who didn't notice that they were better than me. I always was afraid that they would notice and leave me, and of course, they did (although, of course, I contributed to it.) Even now, I feel physically insecure; I find it very hard to believe it when a girl is acting interested in me or says I'm handsome, because I'm a rather large gentleman who is used to rejection. It took me a very long time to accept that it was OK for me to be attracted to girls who were thinner, like I was some monstrous hypocrite for liking skinnier girls when I was fat. When I was in those relationships, I kept feeling like I had to reassure myself that it was real, that I wasn't being tricked or delusional, and the constant need for reassurance, the inability to accept that they liked me for me, drove them away eventually. I really respect the fact that you are sticking with it, because in the end, having a successful relationship may be one of the few things that can eventually break the cycle.

[Jester]

It's not intentional. When you are insecure, you just can't stop being insecure because you want to.

No, but if you are made aware of the way you are being a PRICK because of your insecurities, you can work on not being such a prick by not doing the prickish things you were doing.

[Seshat]

It is difficult to change your feelings: therapy can help, as can certain mental techniques.

It is easier (not necessarily easy, but easier) to change your behaviours.

As Jester said: you can stop being a prick. You can learn to express your insecurities when you need to, in non-prickish ways.

[blas]

Yes, very much so what Jester just said.

If you've been reassured and not mistreated in any way, you need to quit being a prick and being so overly sensitive. Sometimes, it is as simple as, if a girl doesn't like you, she won't be with you. If she's mad, she'll tell you. If she was unhappy, she'd tell you. And as far as the past, with the putting words in my mouth and the telling me how I *supposedly* feel, that just sparks anger and bad feelings. Sometimes people's insecurities are what destroys good relationships.

*General you, just to be noted*

[Barracuda]

Ok, first of all, I HAVE changed. This was a past example, one that changed after a lot of hard work, counseling, prayer, and finding new friends. Second, forget I said anything. I don't share my past so I can be mocked, or called names, or other BS. That's seriously uncalled for.