Bullying coping strategies? (epic length-even for me!)

[fireheart]

This isn't "work"-related per se, since I'm on placement, but I thought I'd share it today.

So my placement is going well so far, with the students gaining more and more respect of me each day. That said, I have encountered one problem, which I would like some insight on. This problem concerns one of my students who is quite frankly being bullied by some of their classmates.

Now, a few things that should provide some more insight into the behaviour of said student (while the school wouldn't check their files, I figured it would be best to keep it gender-neutral):

-Said student does not participate in classroom sports games. They WILL participate in Bothmer, Music and all other lessons, except for sports games. When they are poked to participate by the teachers, they are very sullen and quiet. For instance, in a game of Capture The Flag, they will act as a guard for their "home base", but the guard work involves them sitting down and doing nothing.

-According to a relief teacher, said student has a thing for blood and vampires. To the point where other students know about it. And of course, said student also likes Vampire Knight. (I am having to remind them to NOT discuss it in class-students are not to discuss things they've seen on TV or similar. If they see it in public-fine. Manga? fine.)

-Said student has had a reputation for "giving up" when it's too hard, although they appear to be improving.

-Said student has a tendency to wander or similar if they are sent out of class (which only happened today), or wandering out of bounds if they have free play time (which is quite a bit)

-Said student does have a few "friends" of sorts, but I am not sure how "close" they are to them. One of the friends is a girl who has been earmarked as a loner, but still appears to get on OK.

-Said student however, is very eager to participate in lessons such as English, Maths, Science and such. They LOVE to paint and draw though-if given free time, they will dig out their pencils and a sketchpad and GO. NUTS.

-Said student is also quite easy to distract if their emotions are running hot.

And with that said, the bullying issue is at hand. It is not necessarily physical, rather it is primarily verbal taunts and them being harsher on her than on their own classmates. For instance, if one classmate makes a mistake, nothing will be said of it. If said student however makes the same mistake, they are immediately attacked for it. Some of it may be positive at times (for instance, getting them to play in class sport), at other times it is absolutely harsh. Which brings me to today's incident.

We have the kids sitting in groups, with 2 boys and 2 girls to a group. The two boys that were sitting with said student started throwing eraser pieces at her, so she retaliated by doing the same. Unfortunately, she was the one caught and sent out of the classroom. When she returned to the classroom, somebody placed glue on her pencil case, which she (and initially I also) mistook for spit and started crying, resulting in her being sent out of class for a breather.

I let her vent and sent her off to wash her face. When she returned, she was still upset though and screamed at another classmate when asked to put her chair up (as they all had). The classmate in question was promptly sent outside along with the rest of the class for some free play to let her calm down.

I did relay it to my mentor teacher regardless of what happened and while I know she will say something to the class, the relief teacher mentioned providing her with some coping skills.

This brings me to my question: what coping skills am I able to provide to a 11/12-year-old student to help her cope with bullying? all I can think of is encouraging them to "throw" themselves into their studies, but she struggles like crazy in some areas.

[Andara Bledin]

Well, I'm not involved with kids in any manner, but maybe my comments in conjunction with those who know more will help.

-Said student has had a reputation for "giving up" when it's too hard, although they appear to be improving.

This actually sounds like something I can offer some advice on. There are some studies that relate this type of behavior to people who are praised for their traits as opposed to their accomplishments. People who are praised often for being smart, for example, will adopt that as part of their self-identitification and they will become risk-averse regarding anything involving being "smart."

I actually used to do similar; if something wasn't easy enough that I could master it in a very short time, rather than show a "lack of being smart," I'd just ignore that something and move on to something else that I could master quickly so that I could keep my image of being smart.

It was better for my image to be seen as a quitter than to be seen as unable to do something. Basically, I should be able to do whatever it was because "I'm smart" so the fact that I couldn't do whatever it was became proof that I wasn't actually smart at all, and I couldn't let other people know that, so I became a quitter so people wouldn't find out I was a fraud.

So, whenever possible, be sure to avoid nebulous praise about intelligence or looks or sports prowess and praise specific efforts and work done on specific projects. When you praise the work, kids become willing to put more effort into the work.

"Wow, you're really smart," should be, "Wow, you did a really good job with that assignment."
"You're such a great athlete," should be "That was a great hit/goal/block/etc."
"You're such a pretty girl / cute boy," should be avoided entirely.

This brings me to my question: what coping skills am I able to provide to a 11/12-year-old student to help her cope with bullying? all I can think of is encouraging them to "throw" themselves into their studies, but she struggles like crazy in some areas.

Well, I wouldn't suggest quite that approach; if there are things the student struggles with, you might go with an art parallel; If you want to be good at drawing something, you have to draw it a lot and practice until it becomes easy. Schoolwork is the same way. You take what you aren't good at and practice it a lot. It's boring and not very rewarding in the beginning, but with enough practice the things that are hard now will become easier and won't be the struggle they are now.

As for coping, I have much less useful advice. First, let the student know that it isn't about them. The others don't understand the things the student does, and that makes them confused. They don't know how to act, so they bully, because they know how people react to bullying and that makes them less confused and less uncomfortable. Unfortunately, there will always be people like this in our lives, and it's better to learn how to deal with them and their inability to cope with things they don't understand than to just react to what they do.

For the bullies, there need to be punishments commensurate with the actions they're taking.

Take the uneven reactions to identical situations; put the ones doing the overreaction on the spot and ask them why it's ok for student A to make that mistake, but less ok for student B to make that mistake. Make them explain in detail why it's ok to hold them to different standards. Make them actually think about what it is they're doing. In some cases (particularly when dealing with the hangers on and toadies), they don't really think about the consequences of their actions and are just going along with the ringleader.

Also, there need to be consequences for their actions. Don't do anything for the target, as that only makes them a bigger target, but the bullies need to feel some sort of backlash lest they think they are not going to be held accountable.

I was the same way at that age, right down to the love of vampires and dark stuff.

I was the same as a kid, too, but my home life was pretty boring. For the most part we were just poor, which in the midst of the "me generation" wasn't a lot of fun.

In my case it wasn't a sign of anything other than the fact that I like dark stories; no more, no less.

I was a boring victim, though. For whatever reason, my reaction to bullying was to consider it part of the territory of being non-conformist and I just shrugged off nearly everything.

If she doesn't ignore it and continues to react to it then it will not stop, and it may escalate further to the point where it does become physical.

Ignoring it will not stop it from becoming physical; in some cases it might encourage them to escalate in the attempt to get a reaction.

The only reason that I didn't get attacked for being different in high school was because the bullies were afraid of me. Considering that the most aggressive thing I ever did in school was giving an area a death glare after having a shoe hit me in the back of the head, I can only surmise that I must have a pretty potent glare.

^-.-^

[sstabeler]

I have a few points to make, being a victim of bullying when I was the kid's age.

1) Don't tell the kid to ignore the bullies. The bullies won't actually stop, and it makes the kid think that the teacher doesn't care.

2) erm, throwing erasers at her? That's physical bullying, although admittedly very low-level.

3) "giving up" could be seperate, could be the bullies taunt her if she gets something wrong.

4) A bullied kid doesn't want to participate in team games. I'm not surprised, if she is bullied by her own team. Maybe it's a defense mechanism? As for choosing roles they don't have to dom much, it's actually probably for a similar reason- they're trying to isolate themself from the bullies. As for few friends, that's two-fold. One, the bullies probably put pressure on other kids not to be friends with her. second, she's isolating herself as a defense mechanism.

5) the wandering is boredom, especially since she sees it as being punished for having done nothing wrong.

My advice, though admittedly colored by being the victim of bullying? First, it's probably a good idea to use more visible punishments- as in, telling he bullies to cut it out when they start on her, giving detentions, etc. Why? A) it might encourage the bullies to stop. Certainly, thye get less fun out of it if they get punished more often. B) the student then knows they have an ally in dealing with the bullies, so will be more willing to listen to you. (though they will also vent to you, just too warn you) You also might be able then to suggest she keeps her interest in vampires more private, though be careful bringing it up- she might well think you are saying it's her fault she's being bullied.

Ultimately, what you can do depends on if you have the support of other staff in tackling bullies. without it, you can't do much.

[Pedersen]

There's not a lot that can be done that I'm aware of, at least not in the very short term.

Here's the problems: The victim is already cut off. Already ostracized from her peers. She will be unable to have friends her own age for quite some time yet. This will push her into seeking friendship of people much older or much younger, which will further the problem. She will now be trying to act the age of her friends, further setting her apart from people her own age, and making her more of a target.

Add in that adults rarely take this problem seriously (boys will be boys, right?), and you can see where it gets worse. If you act alone, then all you do is provide a safe bubble for her, a place where she knows she will not be able to be targeted. Of course, the bullies see that, and get angry that she can hide. Guess what happens next? Right, the size of the target on her expands.

As to coping mechanisms, "just ignore them" or "they're just jealous" are absolutely the worst things you can say. If the bullies are getting ignored, then they will escalate until they're not. That could result in severe harm. If the bullies are just jealous, then you're creating a conflict in her head: Teacher says I'm awesome, they say I'm not. What happens when you stop being her teacher? Now there's nobody saying she's awesome, and the conflict gets settled by deciding you were either wrong, or actively lying.

As for "just hide your interests", that's not healthy either. The victim is then blamed for being the victim. That sounds a lot like blaming a rape victim for being raped.

The only thing that really worked, for me, was getting out of the environment (by graduating high school). For someone at this age, that's not a viable option. You're going to need to have the help of the rest of the faculty. They're going to have to realize that the student is being damaged, and they're also going to have to realize that the student could very well sue the school for failure to protect her. Lawsuits of that fashion are being won here in the USA, and I expect that trend to continue.

Finally, tell her this: It gets better. She will graduate. She will move on. And she will find out that life gets better. She just has to hold on until then.

You, or she, might also check out Raven Days. There's a lot of good information on bullying there. It can help.

[Andara Bledin]

A note on punishing bullies; don't just punish them for picking on a specific target; that only makes the target likely to get more bullying abuse.

Also, make a point of telling them how their action of X is wrong to do to others. Don't name who it's wrong to do it against; include everybody. Not only will this help to not paint a bigger target on their current victim, but it will also be a proactive measure against them just shifting to a new victim; they can't claim you only said it wasn't right to do it to A, not B.

^-.-^

[MoonCat]

Other than the vampires and the wandering, this was me.

It DOES NOT help to ignore the bullies. That actually encourages them, and they WILL escalate.

All I can suggest is what I wish a teacher would have done when it happened to me:

ISOLATE THE BULLIES. They are the ones causing the problems, not the victim. They need to learn that they have no right to treat someone this way, that it's wrong and they must stop.

Set a rule that from now on, there will be no bullying OF ANYONE in your classroom. Taunts and threats? They're out of there. Throwing anything (no matter how small)? They're out of there.

Watch for subtle things like whispering and snickering between the bullies, and less subtle things like kids kicking the back of her chair or taking her things. Again--that's an infraction, they're out of there. You would need a place to put them--another room (although that would require a teacher's aide or someone to monitor them) and work for them to do while they're in there. If nothing else, separate them from each other. Do not let the bullies sit next to each other, it's too easy for them to plan their next attack.

Can you enlist the head (principal or whoever) of the school to help you? Because they should be concerned about this kind of behavior. Does this person have a spine? They will need one to stand against the the bullies' parents who are going to bitch about their precious little angels being "singled out" for "just having fun." When I was in grade school, kids who misbehaved were sometimes sent to the principal's office. They had to sit there and keep their mouths shut while the principal told them exactly what she thought of brats (sorry, but that's what they were). Of course that was in the days when parents backed up the teachers, not like now.

My point is that coping mechanisms are great to have, but the bullying itself has to be stopped. If you can get the head of the school to step in, set down some rules and back you up when you enforce them, that will go a long way toward stopping it.

[Bright_Star]

Don't make it worse by punishing the victim. The bullies need to be stopped in their tracks before it gets worse.

[gremcint]

OK bully victim speaking here. I'm not talking about one kid bugging me but everybody bugging me to the point of insanity. This kid wants to be left alone it's that simple, every time you drag this kid into something they don't want to do or force people to hang out with them you are making it worse. Leave her alone and talk to the students bugging her. I spent most of grade school being separated from the other kids during lunch time and sitting in the library for my own safety. I spent a good deal of time talking to teachers and guidance counselors about how I felt and how I was doing. I was the one being punished is how it looks. the ones with the issues are the ones making fun of her. Next time someone harasses that kid pull THEM out of the class not the victim and demand to know what the problem is. Talking to the victim does diddly shit talk to the attacker.

[Hyndis]

A simple change that may help out a great deal is to used assigned seating.

Separate the troublemakers. Have them sit as far apart as possible. These are the kids who are constantly whispering to each other and snickering or laughing at inside jokes, usually at the expense of someone else.

If they are separated, then there are two possible results from this:

A) Without that feedback loop they may calm down.
B) They may become louder and most disruptive in order to communicate to the other side of the classroom, in which case they are being obviously disruptive, and so are a clear target for discipline. Continue to hit them with penalties as they disrupt the class. You will become the target of their angst, and I'm sure you can handle a bunch of angst 12 year olds better than another 12 year old.

[Mishi]

I don't really know what to say, because almost everything suggested here made my school life worse. The only thing that helped for me was getting out of school and away from my toxic home. After that, I discovered that the things that made me weird and that I was picked on for (both at school and home) are the things that people now love about me.

What I think that your student needs is some self confidence and a bit of help with her emotional stuff. I don't know what to suggest because I don't know your student and I'm not a professional; but I found that once I had my depression under control, it made it easier to communicate effectively which then cut down on my outbursts. Seeing a counsellor to help her work on her inner-self might help with that, which might have a flow on effect to make her less of a target. Right now, she's vulnerable and kids react to that. It's not okay, it's not right and it's certainly not fair, but it seems to be how things are. Doing things for her will make things worse, but helping her to learn how to do things for herself should make her stronger.

[Amethyst Hunter]

It DOES NOT help to ignore the bullies. That actually encourages them, and they WILL escalate.
All I can suggest is what I wish a teacher would have done when it happened to me:

ISOLATE THE BULLIES. They are the ones causing the problems, not the victim. They need to learn that they have no right to treat someone this way, that it's wrong and they must stop.

My point is that coping mechanisms are great to have, but the bullying itself has to be stopped.

THIS SO GODDAMNED MUCH.

Yeah, bully victim here. I speak with the authority of (bitter) experience when I say that the "just ignore it" advice is BULLSHIT.

[fireheart]

What I think that your student needs is some self confidence and a bit of help with her emotional stuff. I don't know what to suggest because I don't know your student and I'm not a professional; but I found that once I had my depression under control, it made it easier to communicate effectively which then cut down on my outbursts. Seeing a counsellor to help her work on her inner-self might help with that, which might have a flow on effect to make her less of a target. Right now, she's vulnerable and kids react to that. It's not okay, it's not right and it's certainly not fair, but it seems to be how things are. Doing things for her will make things worse, but helping her to learn how to do things for herself should make her stronger.

Thank you Mishi.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

Today went MUCH better: we took the kids out for a game and she was actually participating. She'd also been chatting away with the other girls. I told her to keep it up. Although on the other spectrum, one of the girls had a few tears.

I have kept a bit of an eye on her though and she needs to remember to help herself.

[Seshat]

She needs to learn how to help herself.

It's entirely possible that she, like me, is not a natural 'reader' of human emotion, human actions, human interactions.

If she is, she can't tell when she's boring someone. Or upsetting someone. Or angering someone. So normal conversations are very high risk; because suddenly - and for reason she can understand - a person she thought she'd been chatting pleasantly with is upset with her.

If that's the case, she needs urgent remedial human interaction training.

Even worse; the basics of human politics (and by that I mean 'office politics' or 'high school cliques' and so on) may well be a total mystery to her. And you can just imagine how BAD that is for a teenager.


Honestly, I think social skills and social literacy is just as important for schools as literacy and numeracy. But I say that as a social illiterate.

[fireheart]

She needs to learn how to help herself.

It's entirely possible that she, like me, is not a natural 'reader' of human emotion, human actions, human interactions.

If she is, she can't tell when she's boring someone. Or upsetting someone. Or angering someone. So normal conversations are very high risk; because suddenly - and for reason she can understand - a person she thought she'd been chatting pleasantly with is upset with her.

I agree on this and so does my mentor teacher.

The kid in question only joined the class this year, whereas most of the class have been together since Class One, with some of them coming in before that (i.e. kindergarten or playgroup). Before that, she has moved around a LOT between schools, so I don't think she's had the chance to work on those social skills.

She had no role in causing one of the other girls to start crying, what HAD happened was that when we take kids out for a game, we pick two captains (same sex) and let them choose teams. The girl I mentioned in the OP is usually picked last and same with her friend. Both girls were chosen first for some reason, while the girls that were NORMALLY picked first were picked last. This wound up getting one of the other girls upset.

My teacher had a bit of a chat with the upset girl and let her calm down.

I'm taking the positive reinforcement approach on this one with her, in that I'll praise her if she participates and does her work. But she does need to be reminded.

[Andara Bledin]

I never really understood the wisdom of allowing the kids to choose who got to be on which team.

All that ever did was highlight who the "cool" kids in class were and single out the "losers" by virtue of them always being the last chosen.

^-.-^