<sigh> ...My brother is destroying his life. And I made it worse.

[houdini]

On a slightly different tack, are the kids ok? Did they hear much of it? If they did, have you explained anything to them? If they did hear it they're probably freaking out...

And HUGS. I definately endorse "relatives are not necessarily family" - you might be related to your relatives but you don't have to like 'em. Plus people live their own lives, and there's definately a point where you can't do anything more for them, and you have to let it go.

[Crossbow]

*Hugs* Seraph.

I have to agree with Treasure's comments. Your brother is a relative. He lost the right to be called Family a long time ago. Now, whether he likes it or not, he has to earn that right back. I hope he sees that and decides to try, but I don't know if he will.

I've seen the drama that's hit my wife's family since her father passed away a few years ago. I hate what it's doing to them, but that's something that they have to work out for themselves. As much as we may want to, we can't help people that don't want help, or won't help themselves.

[Seraph]

The only thing that feel bad about is that this is the big story and not how your clumsiness caused minor burns.

Oiiii, hey now. It hurt, LOL.

There is one good thing about this at least you have got all the family drama over with at once.

So very true.

On a slightly different tack, are the kids ok? Did they hear much of it? If they did, have you explained anything to them? If they did hear it they're probably freaking out...

The kids somehow missed all of the very first fallout, didn't hear a thing. The second one though....they heard. That's why my husband came running, the kids started getting upset and freaking out. He shut all the connecting doors to them on his way over, to kill the sound. Afterwards, I explained to them that it was all taken care of, mommy was fine, it was okay. I didn't really dwell on it with them, they seemed pretty okay with my explanation that I was fine now.

*Hugs* Seraph.

/hugs Thanks

[Eevie]

:hugs: Seraph, he needs to choose his own path by this point, whether it be good or bad. Let's just hope he takes what you said to heart.

[ApolloSZ]

Seraph - I mentally applauded you when you said you slugged him.

To give you some perspective on why I say that? Despite playing shooters, doing sword fighting etc, I don't like violence irl, and will always do what I can to avoid any fights.

Everyone has pretty much said what I would say, so I can't really offer anything new. It sounds like you needed to get out what you said, and his whining was the key to you letting it out ( I don't say ' letting it go' thats not as quick) - You should now. Work on letting it go, you've said your piece (rather effectively punch-uated, I might say, cwatididthere) and you need to shut the door on him.

None of what he does/has done is your fault.
You have not 'made it worse'.
You wouldn't be cutting off family (like others said, hes a relation, not family).

I propose an amendment to your post title, it should be "<sigh> ... my brother is destroying his life."

[Kara]

I've read your original post a few times now.

I'm still trying to find the part where you made anything worse or did anything wrong.

Darlin, you've put up with your brother's shit for YEARS, and you've tolerate far more than anyone could ever ask of you. What you did was inevitable (everyone has a breaking point) and nothing less than the lazy fuckhead deserves. Your brother doesn't deserve you or your kindness (or your father's). It's time he got off his worthless ass and made something of himself. If he happens to screw that up and gets himself in prison or whatever, that is 100% on him. Not you, not your father, it's his own ass.

*hugs*

[taxguykarl]

he needs to choose his own path by this point, whether it be good or bad. Let's just hope he takes what you said to heart.

Eevie's right about that. Just pray, Seraph...and be not surprised if your words turn out to be water off a duck's back.

[Seraph]

&*^%^& so mad right now.

I just called up my dad to find out how my grandma's doing, and he talked for maybe a minute and then goes "Guess who is here to talk to you?" and suddenly puts me on the phone with my brother. My brother at least answered me on "how are you doing?" "okay"....and then he put down the phone and left it just....hanging, for a few minutes. Eventually I hung up because it was obvious he wasn't coming back.

Worst part? I heard my dad in the background ask about me, and my brother told him I'd had to go somewhere.

/rage

[Dilorenzo]

That's some delightful playground bullshit he's pulling there, Seraph. Now he'll likely get to say that he wanted to talk to you, but you're always too busy.

I'd say smack him again, but that'd mean going near him.

[Victory Sabre]

After the last update, you need to have a talk with your dad about the situation. His heart is in the right place, but it's misplaced. You don't want to talk to him, and no one can blame you. You need to let him know this, and the reasons why.

EDIT - I'm also in favor of the Nephew from hell moving in with your brother. It'd be fun to watch.

[Seraph]

After the last update, you need to have a talk with your dad about the situation. His heart is in the right place, but it's misplaced. You don't want to talk to him, and no one can blame you. You need to let him know this, and the reasons why.

EDIT - I'm also in favor of the Nephew from hell moving in with your brother. It'd be fun to watch.

HAHAHAHA Oh my god, that's a beautiful idea right there with my nephew. Lord, they'd kill each other in minutes.

And yeah, I'll probably call up my dad tomorrow and have a chat with him about this incident. I'd call him back today, but I don't know if my brother is still around, and if I'd be able to keep my cool.

[Moirae]

OMFG.

Seraph, this is not your fault. Your brother needed to hear the truth, and so does the rest of your family. You can't change him, and he's his own person. HE makes his own choices, no one does it for him.

Honestly, sometimes you (a general term, not directed at you Seraph) just need to let the toxic people in your life go. Even if they're family.

[KatherineB]

Personally I don't know why you didn't hang up on him as soon as you heard his voice. Admittedly I'm a hard bitch who's been screwed every which way including Sunday by every member of my extended family so I have no sympathy for people like your brother. If you feel like giving your dad another shot after he dumped you in that pile of vipers, good for you, but it would serve him right if you simply cut everyone and refused to acknowledge that you had ANY family other than hubby and the kids (who clearly adore you, and rightly so).

[Seshat]

It's my strong opinion and experience that a negative person's presence is far more damaging than their absence.

I was a kid with a negative person in my life. Three, though one died when I was still a pre-schooler.

My paternal grandparents, and my maternal grandfather, were all ... I'm not sure if 'abusive' or 'evil' fits best. Paternal, probably evil. Maternal grandfather... to us kids, mostly just neglectful. His second wife was a sweetheart, and I still miss her - she decided that when she divorced him, she wasn't our relative anymore. We tried to tell her she was still family, but I have no way to contact her.

Anyway....

I have ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS about 'missing out' on my paternal grandparents. None whatsoever.

I vaguely regret what might have been, with my maternal grandfather. I met A's grandfather, you see, before he died. And he was a dear. I wish he'd been my granddad.

When Granddad was in the hospital, dying, I said to my mother "I wish I'd known him better." Mum pointed out to me that it was his choice, not mine. He'd kept us away, at a distance from him.


I know I'm better off, without question, not having known my paternal grandparents.
I may have been better off never having known my maternal grandfather: I feel a constant regret that he never let us know him.

And I wouldn't be the person I am - I think I wouldn't be as wise or as emotionally healthy - without having known my (positive-person, family in the truest sense of the word) maternal grandmother.

[Pixilated]

I'm glad to see all the votes for DO NOT APOLOGIZE and that you have taken them to heart. Unfortunately, I don't think you can change the title of this thread, because I agree: you have made nothing worse. Your brother has done this all by himself.

*snip*

You already know you are right to cut him out of your life. The regret you feel is for the person your brother is SUPPOSED to be. It's hard to face facts, sometimes. The facts are: Your mother is selfish and abusive. Your brother is a user and abusive. Your father played favorites and failed your family. All of these people are making a toxic environment in your home. You need to control the situation.

That is a polite way of saying they need to earn a place in your life. Your brother should be banned from your house. He is a drug dealing leech. Anyone's children would be damaged by interacting with such a person. Your mother allows her personal demons and flaws to ruin family holidays. She should have to earn her way back into the house with good and positive behavior. If you keep allowing her to act this way, you will always lose. Your father does not support you, and he's failed your family. If he allows your brother to act the way he does, he should lose his privileges as well.

I've heard time and time again that children are blameless in these situations. They should not suffer missing a Grandparent or Uncle because of petty disagreements. Only you can judge the balance on that scale. It's my strong opinion and experience that a negative person's presence is far more damaging than their absence.

*snip*

*snip*

I'm also going to agree that cutting him out of your life until he is willing to take responsibility for what he's made of himself. Until he understands, fully, that the fact that large portions of his life are screwed up, and of your fathers life, rests largely on his shoulders.

*snip*

After the last update, you need to have a talk with your dad about the situation. His heart is in the right place, but it's misplaced. You don't want to talk to him, and no one can blame you. You need to let him know this, and the reasons why.

EDIT - I'm also in favor of the Nephew from hell moving in with your brother. It'd be fun to watch.

Agree with all of this except yeahwhatever's suggestion that your father also be automatically sent to Coventry. Your mother and brother both sound toxic as all get-out and I would let them know in no uncertain terms they are not welcome in your house again until they can get their respective acts together. Your dad's main failure has been omission -- he has failed to cut your brother loose to sink or swim on his own. Eventually your father will reap the results of that: he has gone through his savings to enable his son and will very likely never get any of that back ... he's going to have a much more financially restricted old age than he would otherwise have. But if you two can cut your brother out of the equation, it sounds as though you might have a decent relationship left.

Personally I don't know why you didn't hang up on him as soon as you heard his voice. *snip*.

This was my first thought as well. And this is what worries me: if your dad is going to continue to try to make you and your brother "play nice," it may not be worth your while to stay in contact with your dad either. But that, again, is his choice: he can stay in contact with you (and possibly your family as well) but he has to understand that your brother is not a negotiable factor: until he straightens up, as far as you're concerned, he doesn't exist.