need advice and need to rant

[paintballworker]

First off, I'd like to apologize for any errors and ramblings in this post. I'm on my phone.

Some background: I am getting married in November, to the greatest woman(in my opinion). She smart, attractive, funny and can snark with the best of them. She also loves Dr. Who. I am committed to spending the rest of my life with her......her family on the other hand, drive me to drink(I don't drink, my family is half-Scottish/half-Irish 100% alcoholic).

Due to Maria's and I financial situation, we are having a simple and small wedding(going to City Hall), and spending what $$ we do have on rings and a honeymoon (my uncle has offered to pay).



Her mother has demanded she invite her cousins, and her uncles and her Rabbi(Maria is Jewish, but doesn't practice--and that's all I'm saying). Maria said no, we don't have the money.

Her father has demanded we have a Jewish ceremony, and have a big, fancy wedding. Maria said no to both, we don't have the money.

Her older brother is.....*deep breath and a shot of whiskey * a drug-abusing waste of skin...he wants to move in with us. Maria said no, we don't have the space(and our two cats HATE his guts)(ex.Loki and Horus are lap-whores, they see a open lap, they leap up and catch a quick catnap, they will hiss and swipe at him).

Her younger brother...oh FSM, give me strength to survive... Constantly moans about his school, his work, his underage girlfriends...yes, plural. On numerous occasions his tried to get me to cover his boney ass when he tries to juggle multiple woman(I'm sorry, I have enough 'trouble' with one).

Her sister....yeah, not touching that with a 30.5 foot pole, and the ability to dodge multiple times a round.

I'm at wits end with these people, even Maria is as well. My family, when I told them about the wedding, all they asked for were photos! *deep breath* how do I deal with these people without resorting to strategic thermonuclear weapons.

[MoonCat]

Well, first, another deep breath, and keep Maria first & foremost in your mind. Congrats on the wedding!

I think you need to use that famous phrase "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" when it comes to outrageous things like weddings you can't afford or people moving in with you. The best thing I can suggest is to put as much distance as possible between you (meaning you & fiancee) and her family. Stick to your guns, don't let them wear you down.

One last thought. There's gotta be SOME good points about them, after all they managed to produce the woman you love. You might have to squint really hard to see it but try to find something good about them (from a distance).

Congrats again!

[Sapphire Silk]

Stick to your guns.

You could try telling Maria's dad that if he wants a big fancy Jewish wedding he can have it . . . if he pays all the bills. Traditionally, the father of the bride IS supposed to pay for the wedding (my parents paid for mine).

The downside of that is MIL will probably use that as an excuse to be very controlling and manipulative.

So . . . stick to your guns. Just say no. To MIL, FIL, and both BIL.

Be rude if necessary. It's YOUR wedding. If you cave, the PIL will probably push you to raise the kids Jewish . . . which is fine if that's what you want, but not fine if you don't want to emphasize religion.

Of course, eloping is always an option.

[paintballworker]

First off, she is and always will be first in my mind(followed by Loki & Horus). And even squinting it doesn't work, Maria was pretty much raised by her grandmother (who sadly passed away just after we announced our engagement). Even Maria can't stand her mother sometimes.

As for paying, they flat out told Maria that she has to pay(while her sister gets a new house).

Kid-wise: Maria and I are both nonreligious, and any kids we have will be raised like that until they are old enough to choose. (Which was the cause of tonights Krakatoa-like blowout).

I've already mentioned eloping, Maria "is considering it". Once I calm down, Maria told me I can 'touch' the sister issue.

[fireheart]

Elope. Simple.

[kpzra]

I was married for a week before anyone in our families knew, but we also lived thousands of miles away. Elope/go to city hall on your own and get married. If they want a big shindig they can pay for a reception somewhere after you tell them you two are already married.

[fireheart]

I was married for a week before anyone in our families knew, but we also lived thousands of miles away. Elope/go to city hall on your own and get married. If they want a big shindig they can pay for a reception somewhere after you tell them you two are already married.

Or throw a second wedding.

Little fun factoid of the day: France only legally recognises civil ceremonies since they take the church/state separation very seriously. So those couples that DO want a religious ceremony will get married quickly in the town hall, then go and have their big shindig elsewhere. Those couples that don't want a religious ceremony can have a more lavish civil one. The basic civil ceremony is free.

If they object, just tell them that you're doing it French-style!

[Pixilated]

Eloping is fine, but that only covers the wedding. Then there's the rest of your lives together ...

The important thing is that the two of you stay on the same page so you can present a united front, both on the issues and on the tactics you'll use. It sounds like you're already there, so that's a great start.

Just keep saying "No, that won't be possible." Alternately, remember that "NO" by itself is a full sentence. Don't let them back you into an argument. If you're on the phone and the conversation/nagging/whining is getting out of hand, don't be afraid to hang up. IF you can get a word in edgewise, you can say, "This conversation is over. Goodbye!" But you're not obliged to say anything. The "click" and the dial tone will say it all.

Initially you might try the 'broken record' technique. The main trick is to keep a level, flat voice throughout:

You: "No, I'm sorry, that's not possible."

Other Person: "But why?? I really need your help/someplace to live/some money/a ticket to Mars."

You: "I'm sorry, that's not possible."

OP: "But WHYYYY? I really NEEED it!!"

You: "I'm sorry, that's not possible."

OP: "But we're FAAAAAMILYYYYY. WHYYYYY won't you help meeee???"

You: "I'm sorry, that's not possible."

The idea is to frustrate the other person so thoroughly that they give up and go pester somebody else. You are offering no arguments that they can shoot down, just a flat refusal. Repeatedly.

Would putting physical distance between you two and her family help? If you think it will, do what you can without forcing yourselves into four-hour commutes to your jobs, LOL.

Do you have caller ID? That gives you the choice, when they call, of whether you want to answer the phone at that time.

And unless they are contributing at least some money to the wedding, they have NO say in the ceremony or the guest list.

Oh, and , and wishing you both a long and happy marriage!

[paintballworker]

Thank You. And at the moment, Maria is handling the "discussions" were her side of the family after her sister and I...had a few words.

As for distance, her parents live in Windsor, and we live in Ottawa. And as for their 'say', they keep saying "your our child, we can decide what is best for you". Loki and Horus keep twitching and trying to calm Maria down after a 5min conversation with her mom.

I feel like crap because I can handle the worst SC's life can throw me, but my future in-laws are driving me to drink. We had our first true 'fight' tonight because of them. I love Maria, I can't imagine my life without her in it, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her...but her family is trying to drive a wedge between us.

[mjr]

And as for their 'say', they keep saying "your our child, we can decide what is best for you".

They're looking at it wrong. Sure, it's the parent in them wanting what they feel is "best" for their kids, but they also have to remember that the two of you are grown adults, and can make decisions for yourselves, whether your parents like them or not. Some family members can just be travel agents for guilt trips.

Also, lay down boundaries! Have clear demarcations as to where those boundaries are. In other words, if you and your future wife (congrats, by the way) decide to have children, well those are your children, not your parent's children. That means that you decide how to raise them. You decide what to name them. If either of your parents don't like it, well that's just their problem.

If they're complaining about the possibility that you won't raise any future children Jewish, if you wanted to you could always tell them that you'll incorporate aspects of Jewish culture into the upbringing. At my house, we have a Menorah and a Christmas tree. That's all I'll say, there. We occasionally have home-made pastrami and matzoh ball soup. Occasionally you'll hear a Yiddish word or two...

[fireheart]

If they're complaining about the possibility that you won't raise any future children Jewish, if you wanted to you could always tell them that you'll incorporate aspects of Jewish culture into the upbringing. At my house, we have a Menorah and a Christmas tree. That's all I'll say, there. We occasionally have home-made pastrami and matzoh ball soup. Occasionally you'll hear a Yiddish word or two...

Dumb question, but what are pastrami and matzoh balls?

And why do they go in soup?

[mjr]

Dumb question, but what are pastrami and matzoh balls?

And why do they go in soup?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pastrami

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matzo_ball_soup

[paintballworker]

*deep breath*

After last nights 'fight', I had spent the night at the paintball field, I came back to the house to apologize. I found a note.

"Dear Ian.
Love you, there is lunch in the fridge, Portal 2 in the 360 and Earth shock in the bluray. I need to be at the law office, but I'm sorry. Love you.
Maria"

This is why I'm marrying her .

I've loaded this thread on her laptop so when she gets back, she can read your comments and I can update as needed.

[Pixilated]

*snip*

As for distance, her parents live in Windsor, and we live in Ottawa. And as for their 'say', they keep saying "your our child, we can decide what is best for you". Loki and Horus keep twitching and trying to calm Maria down after a 5min conversation with her mom.

I feel like crap because I can handle the worst SC's life can throw me, but my future in-laws are driving me to drink. We had our first true 'fight' tonight because of them. I love Maria, I can't imagine my life without her in it, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her...but her family is trying to drive a wedge between us.

Well, that's a good physical distance, anyway, LOL.

No, they can NOT decide what is best for Maria, unless you are a cradle-robber and she is a legal minor. Unfortunately it may take some nasty conversations before they finally realize this -- and they may never accept it 100%. The best you two can do is put up a wall and let them bang their heads against it until they knock themselves out.

Hope your fight ended with or resulted in a good discussion. Both of you need to keep in mind that they can only drive a wedge between you two if you allow it. You might want to consider couples' counseling to try to head off such battles in future.

And if I may make another suggestion on your part ... try hard not to say unpleasant things about her family. She is well aware they are a source of trouble and you know she is already on your side, but they are her family and people can become defensive of even the biggest PITA if it's a relative. Sympathize and empathize, but try not to criticize. Much.

[paintballworker]

Maria just got back, we spent some time discussing her side of the family, as well as mine(I'm not squeaky-clean in this either). I try, REALLY try, not to criticize her family but they make it so goddamn hard.

Maria has decided that shes no longer willing to put up with all the crap her parents and siblings toss her way. She's given them a choice...accept her decisions and her choices....or FO&DIAF. And she dropped the ultimate bombshell....no kids for the foreseeable future, and even if we did, THEY are not WELCOME.

I asked her why this hard-line stance.

Her mom called last night, and spent the entire conversation trying to convince her that I was useless, would be a horrible father, and a myriad list of things. When Maria hung up halfway into her tirade about me not being Jewish, she called back and left a message, THAT LEFT MY WIFE IN TEARS!

Excuse the language but fuck this family. I've tried, but I'm not marrying them, I'm marrying her. So tempted to just go down to city hall and get it done today.

FYI, Maria and I thank all of you, your advice has been noted and we have.enough understanding to know when we need help. I just needed to vent.