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Another fun-fill workday has passed and another blessed day off has come. We weren't too busy yesterday, except for a few hours in the afternoon when someone broke Houston. My customers made up for the lack in call volume (10 minutes in between calls! Whoo-hoo!) by being twice as crazy.
The usuals:
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME =
There is No Moron Clause in Your Contract
SW: I didn't make those calls! I'm not paying this bill!
ME: Ma'am, the calls were made from your phone. We've confirmed that by matching the serial number of your phone with the serial number of the phone from your call records. If you didn't make the calls yourself, then someone else did using your phone. Perhaps a friend or family member.
SW: You can say whatever you want! I don't care. Cancel my service right now, I will not pay.
ME: You have the option to cancel, but you are under contract and you will be charged a termination fee.
SW: You can't charge me the fee! I am only under contract unless I have a problem or disagree with you. You can't charge me for termination.
ME: Ma'am, at no point in the contract does it state that you are released from it if you don't agree with the charges. What it DOES say, however, is that if you cancel your service before the term is ended, you will be charged the termination fee. You agreed to that when you renewed.
SW: I didn't say I didn't agree with the charges!
ME: ...
It seems you have strayed from the point you've been making this whole time. Over here, yeah, that's right. Come back to the fight you started with me, I'm not done being condescending to you yet. When you mentally wander off like that it's like shooting customers in a barrel with a cruise missile.
IT
SM: I need to cancel! You guys don't have the phone I want.
ME: What type of phone are you looking for?
SM: Anything with the walkie-talkie service. I need it.
ME: Yeah, that's not a service we offer, but we do have this great feature called speakerphone, and we also have phones that-
SM: Nope. Cancel me. Cancel, cancel, cancel!
ME: What is it about the 2-way feature that appeals to you so greatly that you would pay a termination fee?
SM: IT. I need it. I have to have it.
ME: And you understand that you can only use it when in range of someone else who has the feature, plus-
SM: I don't care! Cancel my damn service! I need the walkie-talkie phone! I need it now!
It must be a pretty pathetic life letting the glowing box in your living room make all your decisions for you. I pity you. Oh wait, that's indigestion, I don't pity you at all.
The Proverbial Ball
SW: Why isn't this line in my name? You guys were supposed to move it out of my husband's name and into my name 2 weeks ago!
ME: I see you called on 05/01 to take over one of the lines on the account and we told you to have your husband call in since the lines are in his name.
SW: That's right, and he did. I was standing right there.
ME: Right. On 05/02, he called in and granted authorization to transfer ownership of one line. I don't see that you called back after that to complete the process.
SW: Well, I had already told them what plan I wanted.
ME: Yes, but after the accountholder grants authorization, then we need to speak to the potential customer, you, verify your information and run a credit check, then create the new account to move the line.
SW: Well, nobody told me that!
ME: But when your husband called, we told him that. In the information that we are legally required to advise when getting the authorization from the accountholder, we let them know that they are responsible for the line until it is taken off the account and that they are responsible for locating the other party and having them call in to complete the process.
SW: Oh. So you're saying you guys dropped the ball.
Uh....no. In fact that is so far from what I was saying I'd almost think you were being a smartass if it wasn't for the sincerity in the tone of your voice. We don't drop "the ball," mmkay? We're like the Harlem Globetrotters, exhibiting incredible moves with the ball. You, on the other hand, are like the Washington Generals and have been gloriously crushed by our MAD SKILLZ. The only mistake made was handing it to you in the first place.
Stupid is a Condition, Not an Excuse
SM: Why is my line still on? You were supposed to cancel last month.
ME: I see you called on 04/12 and stated that you wished to cancel the line. We were discussing some different options with you and it looks like you either hung up or the call was otherwise lost somehow. I see the rep tried to call you back but you didn't answer the phone and he left you a voicemail stating that you needed to call back to let us know if you still wanted to cancel or accept one of the options he gave you. But I don't see you called since then.
SM: But I said I wanted to cancel! It's not my fault if you guys screwed up and didn't do it.
ME: There is information that we must disclose to you when canceling service. Since the call was lost and we couldn't get back in contact with you, that could not be done and thus the service is still active.
SM: So what are you going to do about this bill?
ME: I'm not going to do anything about that bill, because the charges are correct. You were billed for a period of time that the service was active.
SM: But I didn't use it!
ME: Right, but this isn't a prepaid service. We don't bill just for service used. Now, if you still wish to cancel I can take care of that for you at this time, and you'll be billed up to today.
SM: That's not right!
Let's see. I want to make a drastic change to my service (cancel, in this case). While speaking to the rep, I lose the call. What's this? An 800 number calling me? I don't want to answer that, probably a telemarketer. 1 new voicemail received? Feh, I don't need to check that. Wait, what's that grinding noise? It feels like primitive gears turning in my skull. I might be having a thought. Perhaps since the rep I talked to gave me no confirmation that what I was requesting was actually done before I lost the call, I should call back and make sure it was taken care of. After all, this is an important request. Argh, all this, this, thinking is making my head hurt. Tor go drink beer. Beer make thinking stop. Tor like beer.
There is No Hope for Humanity
SM: I haven't been getting signal on my phone for a week.
ME: Well, I see you have a past due balance of $XX.XX that was due on 04/21. Your service was canceled for non-payment, due to the high history of non-payment on your account. I could take a payment for you now and the service would be resumed.
SM: I know it's past due. But that's not the issue here. I'm not getting signal.
ME: Riiiight. Because your service is canceled. Your phone cannot connect to the network. I can take a payment for the past due, and the service will resume and you'll get signal again.
SM: No, you don't understand! Paying the bill don't matter if I'm not going to get signal!
ME: ...
SM: So why am I not getting signal?
ME: Because your service is turned off. Because your account is canceled. Because you are past due. Because you have such a high rate of warnings and suspensions of past due bills. If you make a payment for the past due, the service will turn on. You will get signal and can make and receive calls. But not until the past due amount is paid.
SM: Obviously, I'm not getting anywhere with you. I'll have to call back later. *click*
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I So Wish I Could Have Talked to This Guy
CSR: I have a customer who wants to cancel.
ME: Okay, well, what's going on with him today?
CSR: Okay, first I'll warn you that he's very very upset right now.
ME: Oh, fantastic.
CSR: Yeah. So he has a (PDA Phone) and he used to be able to get internet even though he didn't have the feature and didn't pay for it. Now he can't get it anymore and I talked to Tech Support and they said he never should have been able to connect to begin with.
ME: Right, there was a system glitch that allowed customers without paying for the service to get the internet on specific devices anyway. But they caught the glitch last month and killed it.
CSR: Yeah. So anyway, now he thinks that it's ridiculous that he has to pay for something he got free and that we're just trying to overcharge him for no reason and wants to cancel unless he gets the internet back without paying for it.
ME: *chuckle* Oh, my. So he benefited from a mistake, he got free internet, he doesn't have to pay us back for the six months of service he enjoyed from that mistake, and doesn't feel he should have to pay for it at all moving forward.
CSR: Pretty much.
ME: This is going to be fun. Go ahead and bring him through.
CSR: Actually, it looks like he just hung up. I'll have to call him back. I'll call you guys back when I have him back on the line.
I was disappointed. Severely. I wanted to be the one to have this fight with the moron; I would have enjoyed destroying him.
Part I
SM: Yeah, my screen on my (PDA Phone) is messed up. I have vertical lines on it and I can't see anything else.
ME: I"m sorry to hear that, it's not a know problem for that device.
SM: Yeah, so I just need you to replace it.
ME: Well, all exchanges for that phone are handled by a specific department, but I see you're calling me from the phone now. I'd need to have you on a different line before I can put you through, since they need to do some troubleshooting first. Do you have another line I can call you back on?
SM: Yeah, see, I don't need any troubleshooting. I had this problem before and they exchanged it.
ME: Right, after troubleshooting. Even if you had the same problem before, the process of troubleshooting the device must still be followed.
SM: I don't need any troubleshooting. Just transfer me and they'll exchange it.
ME: If I transfer you while you are still on the device, they won't accept the transfer. They require you to be on a different line.
SM: Don't you worry about that. Let me worry about it and just transfer me.
ME: I"m unable to do that unless you're on a different line.
SM: This is crazy. Just transfer me to them and they'll exchange it. I know how this works.
ME: I would be happy to transfer you. Could you give me a different number to call you back on so we can free up this device for troubleshooting?
SM: Are you going to transfer me or not, motherf***er?
ME: I ask that you show me the same respect and courtesy I have shown you, or I will end this call.
SM: What courtesy? You're refusing to transfer me!
ME: There is a specific process that must be followed before an exchange can be filed. The only way I can transfer you is if you are on a different line. I am perfectly willing to transfer you to the appropriate department, but they will not accept the transfer if you're on the device you are having problems with.
SM: *Stream of profanities*
ME: Feel better? Once again, I ask that you show me respect or I will end this call.
SM: Go ahead and end the f***ing call you f***ing b***! I don't f***ing care about your stupid f***ing policies! F***ing do what I f***ing asking you to! If you won't f***ing do it, then I'll call back until someone f***ing will! *click*
Wait for it, it gets better.
Part II
I knew he'd call back, so I left his account memos open. Sure enough, he calls back and gets transferred to tech. The tech rep's notes are as follows:
call dropped after cxl loc and attempt to ts issue - cust said he wasn't on device, but apparently he was
The "cxl loc" abbreviation means "canceled location." Tech can get into the network itself, and they can see exactly what tower the customer is connected to and break that connection, forcing the device to reconnect to the nearest available tower, thus canceling their location in the network. It has nothing to do with a screen problem, but it is a standard step they are required to do and if the customer is on the device, obviously it will cause their call to drop.
Then the expected happened:
Part III
Customer called back a third time, got transferred to Tech, and that rep filed the exchange.
This is the problem we created back in the days when we did whatever we had to do to make customers happy so we could keep the ones we had and get more of them to join us. We trained them to expect whatever request they had to be fulfilled without question. When things changed and we decided we wanted to start making money instead of losing it at an alarming rate, we were taught to use the word "no." This conditioned customers to call back until they got someone who would bypass a policy because they either don't know or don't care.
The usuals:
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME =
There is No Moron Clause in Your Contract
SW: I didn't make those calls! I'm not paying this bill!
ME: Ma'am, the calls were made from your phone. We've confirmed that by matching the serial number of your phone with the serial number of the phone from your call records. If you didn't make the calls yourself, then someone else did using your phone. Perhaps a friend or family member.
SW: You can say whatever you want! I don't care. Cancel my service right now, I will not pay.
ME: You have the option to cancel, but you are under contract and you will be charged a termination fee.
SW: You can't charge me the fee! I am only under contract unless I have a problem or disagree with you. You can't charge me for termination.
ME: Ma'am, at no point in the contract does it state that you are released from it if you don't agree with the charges. What it DOES say, however, is that if you cancel your service before the term is ended, you will be charged the termination fee. You agreed to that when you renewed.
SW: I didn't say I didn't agree with the charges!
ME: ...
It seems you have strayed from the point you've been making this whole time. Over here, yeah, that's right. Come back to the fight you started with me, I'm not done being condescending to you yet. When you mentally wander off like that it's like shooting customers in a barrel with a cruise missile.
IT
SM: I need to cancel! You guys don't have the phone I want.
ME: What type of phone are you looking for?
SM: Anything with the walkie-talkie service. I need it.
ME: Yeah, that's not a service we offer, but we do have this great feature called speakerphone, and we also have phones that-
SM: Nope. Cancel me. Cancel, cancel, cancel!
ME: What is it about the 2-way feature that appeals to you so greatly that you would pay a termination fee?
SM: IT. I need it. I have to have it.
ME: And you understand that you can only use it when in range of someone else who has the feature, plus-
SM: I don't care! Cancel my damn service! I need the walkie-talkie phone! I need it now!
It must be a pretty pathetic life letting the glowing box in your living room make all your decisions for you. I pity you. Oh wait, that's indigestion, I don't pity you at all.
The Proverbial Ball
SW: Why isn't this line in my name? You guys were supposed to move it out of my husband's name and into my name 2 weeks ago!
ME: I see you called on 05/01 to take over one of the lines on the account and we told you to have your husband call in since the lines are in his name.
SW: That's right, and he did. I was standing right there.
ME: Right. On 05/02, he called in and granted authorization to transfer ownership of one line. I don't see that you called back after that to complete the process.
SW: Well, I had already told them what plan I wanted.
ME: Yes, but after the accountholder grants authorization, then we need to speak to the potential customer, you, verify your information and run a credit check, then create the new account to move the line.
SW: Well, nobody told me that!
ME: But when your husband called, we told him that. In the information that we are legally required to advise when getting the authorization from the accountholder, we let them know that they are responsible for the line until it is taken off the account and that they are responsible for locating the other party and having them call in to complete the process.
SW: Oh. So you're saying you guys dropped the ball.
Uh....no. In fact that is so far from what I was saying I'd almost think you were being a smartass if it wasn't for the sincerity in the tone of your voice. We don't drop "the ball," mmkay? We're like the Harlem Globetrotters, exhibiting incredible moves with the ball. You, on the other hand, are like the Washington Generals and have been gloriously crushed by our MAD SKILLZ. The only mistake made was handing it to you in the first place.
Stupid is a Condition, Not an Excuse
SM: Why is my line still on? You were supposed to cancel last month.
ME: I see you called on 04/12 and stated that you wished to cancel the line. We were discussing some different options with you and it looks like you either hung up or the call was otherwise lost somehow. I see the rep tried to call you back but you didn't answer the phone and he left you a voicemail stating that you needed to call back to let us know if you still wanted to cancel or accept one of the options he gave you. But I don't see you called since then.
SM: But I said I wanted to cancel! It's not my fault if you guys screwed up and didn't do it.
ME: There is information that we must disclose to you when canceling service. Since the call was lost and we couldn't get back in contact with you, that could not be done and thus the service is still active.
SM: So what are you going to do about this bill?
ME: I'm not going to do anything about that bill, because the charges are correct. You were billed for a period of time that the service was active.
SM: But I didn't use it!
ME: Right, but this isn't a prepaid service. We don't bill just for service used. Now, if you still wish to cancel I can take care of that for you at this time, and you'll be billed up to today.
SM: That's not right!
Let's see. I want to make a drastic change to my service (cancel, in this case). While speaking to the rep, I lose the call. What's this? An 800 number calling me? I don't want to answer that, probably a telemarketer. 1 new voicemail received? Feh, I don't need to check that. Wait, what's that grinding noise? It feels like primitive gears turning in my skull. I might be having a thought. Perhaps since the rep I talked to gave me no confirmation that what I was requesting was actually done before I lost the call, I should call back and make sure it was taken care of. After all, this is an important request. Argh, all this, this, thinking is making my head hurt. Tor go drink beer. Beer make thinking stop. Tor like beer.
There is No Hope for Humanity
SM: I haven't been getting signal on my phone for a week.
ME: Well, I see you have a past due balance of $XX.XX that was due on 04/21. Your service was canceled for non-payment, due to the high history of non-payment on your account. I could take a payment for you now and the service would be resumed.
SM: I know it's past due. But that's not the issue here. I'm not getting signal.
ME: Riiiight. Because your service is canceled. Your phone cannot connect to the network. I can take a payment for the past due, and the service will resume and you'll get signal again.
SM: No, you don't understand! Paying the bill don't matter if I'm not going to get signal!
ME: ...
SM: So why am I not getting signal?
ME: Because your service is turned off. Because your account is canceled. Because you are past due. Because you have such a high rate of warnings and suspensions of past due bills. If you make a payment for the past due, the service will turn on. You will get signal and can make and receive calls. But not until the past due amount is paid.
SM: Obviously, I'm not getting anywhere with you. I'll have to call back later. *click*
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I So Wish I Could Have Talked to This Guy
CSR: I have a customer who wants to cancel.
ME: Okay, well, what's going on with him today?
CSR: Okay, first I'll warn you that he's very very upset right now.
ME: Oh, fantastic.
CSR: Yeah. So he has a (PDA Phone) and he used to be able to get internet even though he didn't have the feature and didn't pay for it. Now he can't get it anymore and I talked to Tech Support and they said he never should have been able to connect to begin with.
ME: Right, there was a system glitch that allowed customers without paying for the service to get the internet on specific devices anyway. But they caught the glitch last month and killed it.
CSR: Yeah. So anyway, now he thinks that it's ridiculous that he has to pay for something he got free and that we're just trying to overcharge him for no reason and wants to cancel unless he gets the internet back without paying for it.
ME: *chuckle* Oh, my. So he benefited from a mistake, he got free internet, he doesn't have to pay us back for the six months of service he enjoyed from that mistake, and doesn't feel he should have to pay for it at all moving forward.
CSR: Pretty much.
ME: This is going to be fun. Go ahead and bring him through.
CSR: Actually, it looks like he just hung up. I'll have to call him back. I'll call you guys back when I have him back on the line.
I was disappointed. Severely. I wanted to be the one to have this fight with the moron; I would have enjoyed destroying him.
Part I
SM: Yeah, my screen on my (PDA Phone) is messed up. I have vertical lines on it and I can't see anything else.
ME: I"m sorry to hear that, it's not a know problem for that device.
SM: Yeah, so I just need you to replace it.
ME: Well, all exchanges for that phone are handled by a specific department, but I see you're calling me from the phone now. I'd need to have you on a different line before I can put you through, since they need to do some troubleshooting first. Do you have another line I can call you back on?
SM: Yeah, see, I don't need any troubleshooting. I had this problem before and they exchanged it.
ME: Right, after troubleshooting. Even if you had the same problem before, the process of troubleshooting the device must still be followed.
SM: I don't need any troubleshooting. Just transfer me and they'll exchange it.
ME: If I transfer you while you are still on the device, they won't accept the transfer. They require you to be on a different line.
SM: Don't you worry about that. Let me worry about it and just transfer me.
ME: I"m unable to do that unless you're on a different line.
SM: This is crazy. Just transfer me to them and they'll exchange it. I know how this works.
ME: I would be happy to transfer you. Could you give me a different number to call you back on so we can free up this device for troubleshooting?
SM: Are you going to transfer me or not, motherf***er?
ME: I ask that you show me the same respect and courtesy I have shown you, or I will end this call.
SM: What courtesy? You're refusing to transfer me!
ME: There is a specific process that must be followed before an exchange can be filed. The only way I can transfer you is if you are on a different line. I am perfectly willing to transfer you to the appropriate department, but they will not accept the transfer if you're on the device you are having problems with.
SM: *Stream of profanities*
ME: Feel better? Once again, I ask that you show me respect or I will end this call.
SM: Go ahead and end the f***ing call you f***ing b***! I don't f***ing care about your stupid f***ing policies! F***ing do what I f***ing asking you to! If you won't f***ing do it, then I'll call back until someone f***ing will! *click*
Wait for it, it gets better.
Part II
I knew he'd call back, so I left his account memos open. Sure enough, he calls back and gets transferred to tech. The tech rep's notes are as follows:
call dropped after cxl loc and attempt to ts issue - cust said he wasn't on device, but apparently he was
The "cxl loc" abbreviation means "canceled location." Tech can get into the network itself, and they can see exactly what tower the customer is connected to and break that connection, forcing the device to reconnect to the nearest available tower, thus canceling their location in the network. It has nothing to do with a screen problem, but it is a standard step they are required to do and if the customer is on the device, obviously it will cause their call to drop.
Then the expected happened:
Part III
Customer called back a third time, got transferred to Tech, and that rep filed the exchange.
This is the problem we created back in the days when we did whatever we had to do to make customers happy so we could keep the ones we had and get more of them to join us. We trained them to expect whatever request they had to be fulfilled without question. When things changed and we decided we wanted to start making money instead of losing it at an alarming rate, we were taught to use the word "no." This conditioned customers to call back until they got someone who would bypass a policy because they either don't know or don't care.
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