I am awash in an ocean of stupid, clingy to a traffic cone.
Low Standard Doppleganger
( 3am...calling a travel agency.... )
SC: "Yeah, someone used my name to place some sort of transaction with your company!"
I can't for the life of me conceive of why anyone, ANYONE in their right mind would want to pretend to be you of all people. However, I will briefly take your plight into consideration….hmmm……ok, I'm done.
Disappointment
SC: "Oh hi, is this the tech support for the kiosks?"
Me: "Yes it is."
What's this? He's forming complete sentences? In real English? Without a "My parents were married in a trailer park by a middle aged drywaller" accent?
SC: "Ok, I have a problem with one of the machines but I know its really late so its ok if you can't help right away."
Me: "Sure, what seems to be the problem?"
And he's POLITE?! What madness is this? Is this a joke? Am I on candid camera?
SC: "I accidently stuffed my money into the receipt slot rather then the bill slot."
Damn! He's still a slack jawed frothing Cheeto licker! We were SO CLOSE! I got all excited and everything.
867
SC: "Can I place an order?"
Me: "Sure-"
Fast forward…
Me: "What would you like to order?"
SC: "Huh?"
Me: "What would you like to order?"
SC: "……uh…er…..Spring catalogue?"
Me: "Ok…but what in the spring catalogue would you like to order?"
SC: "Uh.."
That IS why you called isn't it? You knew what you wanted at the first of the call! How did you lose it all so tragically in a mere 20 seconds? 20 seconds! That kind of mental deterioration in such a short period of time should not be medically possible……or were you cheating at first? Were you using some sort of snow ape prep sheet? Was someone holding up cue cards but he's too drunk to hold them the right way up anymore? Did you carefully prepare a script on a piece of toilet paper but you smeared the crayon?
Seriously, one of these days I'm going to fly up there just to see what the hell's going on. I'll have to grit my teeth and face my personal demons had on. Yes, that’s right. My personal demons. Most people's personal demons take the form of phobias or bad habits. Mine smell like Hamburger Helper and can open a whiskey bottle with their teeth.
Importance
Me: "Alright, I'll have a tech get back to you as soon as possible."
SC: "Ok, this is really important."
Me: "I understand."
SC: "Its important. I can't print."
Yes, yes, that’s nice. As opposed to all my other tech calls on this line which are unimportant and insignificant. Its not like I have some chart here that tells me how fast to page a tier 2 tech out depending on how many times you use the words "Important", "Urgent" or "Emergency". The fact that you're calling at 3am kind of implies its important. If its not important then it kind of implies you’re a jerkhead. So hey! Good thing you said important! Otherwise I would have just assumed you were a jerkhead. Well played.
Quality Workforce
SC: "Yeah, I'm here to do a job for <company>."
Me: "…ok?"
SC: "I'm at the right address but the number on the house is wrong."
Me: "…."
But…wait…..thats…..what? You're at the right address but the number on the house is wrong? Doesn't that imply you're actually at the wrong address and the number on the house is right? How did you even reach that conclusion? Heck, how do you even operate in your daily life using that kind of logic? Wait, wait, don't tell me. Let me come down there and watch for myself first hand. In fact, let me get some popcorn and a lawn chair first. You need snacks for this kind of entertainment.
TEH BETTEREST
Me: "Alright, I can put at the <nice hotel with continental breakfast> for <massively discounted rate>."
SC: "Do you have anything better?"
Me: "Hmm, I can put you at the <even nicer hotel with restaurant, bar, casino and pool> for <rate you will never see again in your lifetime>"
SC: "Do you have anything better?"
For $100 I can fly down there with a pillow and duct tape you to an airport bench with it then cover you with newspapers to keep you warm. Of course, for $100 I'd have to fly America West though so I probably wouldn't make it anyway. I'd end up stuck in Phoenix for the next 3 days. ( Inside joke, 98% of our stranded passenger bookings are because of America West and I owe them no allegiance... ).
Deja Vu
SC: "Yeah, I have a strange situation…"
Ok, to be honest the last time I had a call that started like this I ended up being asked out for drinks by a guy who thought my voice sounded sexy. So I'm *really* hoping were not about to head down that hazy path again because it was unsettling enough the first time.
Somehow Still My Fault
Wait wait wait. You placed an order in April….and were told the item was on back order until the end of May. Now you're mad at me because you haven't gotten it yet despite the fact its not yet the end of May. There is a flaw somewhere here. But it wouldn't be fair of me if I just pointed it out right away. You wouldn't learn that way. Instead lets just sit here and think about what you've done for a while. Perhaps ( If there is, indeed, some sort of God in this world ) you will realize the error of your ways and never engage in something this fundamentally stupid again.
I am doubtful, but I dream.
I Wish I Could Physically Bite This Man
Step 1. Caller has issue with his Mac Powerbook. He doesn't remember the admin password.
Step 2. I explain to him that it's his Mac itself, not our software. He needs the admin login/password but that’s not something we can retrieve for him. I advise him to call Mac so they can retrieve it for him.
Step 3. He calls back a few minutes later to tell me that the last guy he talked too (Me) didn't know the answer but he called Mac and they told him. So he's calling us to tell us that during our "meetings" and what not we can get the word around that the answer is: It was an admin password for his Mac but it wasn't something we could retrieve for him since it had nothing to do with our software. So you have to call Mac for it.
Step 4. Profit!?
Argghhh. That's exactly what I told you to do! Curse you, ditchmonkey! Curse you and your mouth breathing, sink licking ways! You wouldn't even have called Mac if I hadn't have told you to in the first place! How do you think you came upon that solution to begin with? Mouthbreather's Intuition?
(Shuffles off...)
Low Standard Doppleganger
( 3am...calling a travel agency.... )
SC: "Yeah, someone used my name to place some sort of transaction with your company!"
I can't for the life of me conceive of why anyone, ANYONE in their right mind would want to pretend to be you of all people. However, I will briefly take your plight into consideration….hmmm……ok, I'm done.
Disappointment
SC: "Oh hi, is this the tech support for the kiosks?"
Me: "Yes it is."
What's this? He's forming complete sentences? In real English? Without a "My parents were married in a trailer park by a middle aged drywaller" accent?
SC: "Ok, I have a problem with one of the machines but I know its really late so its ok if you can't help right away."
Me: "Sure, what seems to be the problem?"
And he's POLITE?! What madness is this? Is this a joke? Am I on candid camera?
SC: "I accidently stuffed my money into the receipt slot rather then the bill slot."
Damn! He's still a slack jawed frothing Cheeto licker! We were SO CLOSE! I got all excited and everything.
867
SC: "Can I place an order?"
Me: "Sure-"
Fast forward…
Me: "What would you like to order?"
SC: "Huh?"
Me: "What would you like to order?"
SC: "……uh…er…..Spring catalogue?"
Me: "Ok…but what in the spring catalogue would you like to order?"
SC: "Uh.."
That IS why you called isn't it? You knew what you wanted at the first of the call! How did you lose it all so tragically in a mere 20 seconds? 20 seconds! That kind of mental deterioration in such a short period of time should not be medically possible……or were you cheating at first? Were you using some sort of snow ape prep sheet? Was someone holding up cue cards but he's too drunk to hold them the right way up anymore? Did you carefully prepare a script on a piece of toilet paper but you smeared the crayon?
Seriously, one of these days I'm going to fly up there just to see what the hell's going on. I'll have to grit my teeth and face my personal demons had on. Yes, that’s right. My personal demons. Most people's personal demons take the form of phobias or bad habits. Mine smell like Hamburger Helper and can open a whiskey bottle with their teeth.
Importance
Me: "Alright, I'll have a tech get back to you as soon as possible."
SC: "Ok, this is really important."
Me: "I understand."
SC: "Its important. I can't print."
Yes, yes, that’s nice. As opposed to all my other tech calls on this line which are unimportant and insignificant. Its not like I have some chart here that tells me how fast to page a tier 2 tech out depending on how many times you use the words "Important", "Urgent" or "Emergency". The fact that you're calling at 3am kind of implies its important. If its not important then it kind of implies you’re a jerkhead. So hey! Good thing you said important! Otherwise I would have just assumed you were a jerkhead. Well played.
Quality Workforce
SC: "Yeah, I'm here to do a job for <company>."
Me: "…ok?"
SC: "I'm at the right address but the number on the house is wrong."
Me: "…."
But…wait…..thats…..what? You're at the right address but the number on the house is wrong? Doesn't that imply you're actually at the wrong address and the number on the house is right? How did you even reach that conclusion? Heck, how do you even operate in your daily life using that kind of logic? Wait, wait, don't tell me. Let me come down there and watch for myself first hand. In fact, let me get some popcorn and a lawn chair first. You need snacks for this kind of entertainment.
TEH BETTEREST
Me: "Alright, I can put at the <nice hotel with continental breakfast> for <massively discounted rate>."
SC: "Do you have anything better?"
Me: "Hmm, I can put you at the <even nicer hotel with restaurant, bar, casino and pool> for <rate you will never see again in your lifetime>"
SC: "Do you have anything better?"
For $100 I can fly down there with a pillow and duct tape you to an airport bench with it then cover you with newspapers to keep you warm. Of course, for $100 I'd have to fly America West though so I probably wouldn't make it anyway. I'd end up stuck in Phoenix for the next 3 days. ( Inside joke, 98% of our stranded passenger bookings are because of America West and I owe them no allegiance... ).
Deja Vu
SC: "Yeah, I have a strange situation…"
Ok, to be honest the last time I had a call that started like this I ended up being asked out for drinks by a guy who thought my voice sounded sexy. So I'm *really* hoping were not about to head down that hazy path again because it was unsettling enough the first time.
Somehow Still My Fault
Wait wait wait. You placed an order in April….and were told the item was on back order until the end of May. Now you're mad at me because you haven't gotten it yet despite the fact its not yet the end of May. There is a flaw somewhere here. But it wouldn't be fair of me if I just pointed it out right away. You wouldn't learn that way. Instead lets just sit here and think about what you've done for a while. Perhaps ( If there is, indeed, some sort of God in this world ) you will realize the error of your ways and never engage in something this fundamentally stupid again.
I am doubtful, but I dream.
I Wish I Could Physically Bite This Man
Step 1. Caller has issue with his Mac Powerbook. He doesn't remember the admin password.
Step 2. I explain to him that it's his Mac itself, not our software. He needs the admin login/password but that’s not something we can retrieve for him. I advise him to call Mac so they can retrieve it for him.
Step 3. He calls back a few minutes later to tell me that the last guy he talked too (Me) didn't know the answer but he called Mac and they told him. So he's calling us to tell us that during our "meetings" and what not we can get the word around that the answer is: It was an admin password for his Mac but it wasn't something we could retrieve for him since it had nothing to do with our software. So you have to call Mac for it.
Step 4. Profit!?
Argghhh. That's exactly what I told you to do! Curse you, ditchmonkey! Curse you and your mouth breathing, sink licking ways! You wouldn't even have called Mac if I hadn't have told you to in the first place! How do you think you came upon that solution to begin with? Mouthbreather's Intuition?
(Shuffles off...)
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