Dear....

[blas]

Dear Immune System:

Thanks for failing me when I need you to be functioning your best. I need to have perfect attendance at work and keep acruing my vacation time....but no, you just HAD to get weak and let this disgusting virus that's going around infect me. Now I can't sleep worth a shit, and I have a fever of 101 degrees. Every time I breathe, my insides rattle. I cough and it sounds like a bomb going off.

You suck,

Blas

[Misanthropical]

Dear back,

You should know that the nice specialist didn't give you shots the last time so that the antibotics the dentist gave me would work, so please stop hurting. I was actually enjoying the hell out of life because I didn't have the pain anymore.

It's amazing how much life is so much better without pain, so please stop hurting till the next appt. with the nice doctor, okay?


Dear coworker,

I'm getting use to the stupid shit that you say, but when you told me and our boss that I don't do anywork during the day because mothers don't have to do anything when their children are older showed me just how beyond ignorant you are, being a mother is not the cake walk you seem to think it is.

Yes, even our boss, who has no children told you that you are full shit. When everyone around you tells you that you are full of it, you should probably stop thinking that you know everything about everything, know what I mean?

[iradney]

Dear work PC

Please stop being a piece of crap

Rads

Dear work

Please stop being so cheap. Give me a pc that isn't FIVE YEARS OLD, that freezes if I have powerpoint AND adobe open, and that arbitrarily restarts itself when it's in the mood. Seriously. This is just adding to my list of bitches that I have about you right now, and I am SERIOUSLY CLOSE to throwing in the towel and becoming a dog walker.

NO LOVE
rads

[Andara Bledin]

Dear work monitor,

You are so nice and pretty.

When the bosslady greenlighted the order to actually get me a replacement so I didn't have to use the defective spare any longer, I wasn't expecting to get you.

You are a 20" widescreen marvel.

I do admit that it took a little getting used to the fact that your screen is very shiny when most LCD screens tend to have a slightly matte appearance to them. But the depth of your blacks is amazing.

I am a little disappointed, however, in the fact that you will only display a single resolution on my computer. I was forced to increase the font sizes on all of my windows, and increase the display size on my Excel spreadsheets.

Can I take you home with me?

Your user,
Andara

[draftermatt]

Dear Employers,

Look, I know we're slow, but you can't tell me time and time again that "reviews come the first week of April" and not follow through with it. If you have to tell me to wait till May or June because we are so slow (for a raise I mean) ok. But damn it, I've been making the same amount for over a year now, and I know how much I was promised last year that I didn't get because of insurance. Please, I need more money, it's harder to drive the 12 miles to work everyday.

By the way. Your former employee G (did you notice he was in my wedding?) has been trying to get me into his company for years now, but I've been turning him down, keep that in mind.

[draggar]

Dear client(s):

I am on vacation. STFU and stop calling me.

[Myra]

Dear K:

Why? I know I didn't know you very well, but I know B and he's a mess right now. Nothing in life is unfixable. Where I work, I could've found you help if you'd of told B and he told me.

Just, why?

Sincerely,
Myra

[Misanthropical]

Dear Dentist,

I realize I need a lot done to my teeth. You know I'm vain about my teeth, so why do you think I haven't gotten things taken care of sooner? It could be because WE DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY?

You see, my husband works for a company that makes money hand over fist no matter how the economy is doing, but their board members need that extra billions for themselves, so they have a SHITTY DENTAL PLAN!

I would love to go into the board meeting and ask them to pull their head out of their ass long enough to see their employees and the families of said employees need a much better dental plan, but I never get invited, mmkay?

So lighten up on me about all that I need to have done, unless you are offering to do it for free, otherwise I might have to bite you next time you have your hands in my mouth.

[Becks]

Dear commercials,

99% of you that I see suck.

Take into account that I don't watch much TV, either.

Blah.

Becky

[worddork]

Dear Government,

Please get your nose out of my chosen profession. Seeing as how most of you have not been inside a classroom since graduating from college. Or, if you have been in a classroom it has been part of a publicity stunt and everyone and everything have been hand picked to make the school look good.

Not only have your new laws and ordinances moved the focus away from teaching and more to testing. And boy do we test, almost too much. There are some schools that are forced to test their students every four weeks. Exactly when are the students supposed to learn the new matterial if they haven't mastered what was on the last test.

Until one of you yhaoos actually go throught the teaching credential program, don't assume you know what should been happening in the classroom. Unless of course you want my job.

Yours,
An over tested teacher.

[Saydrah]

Dear Mother of Stray Human (MOSH),

Bring him back, k? I know you just took him clothes shopping and it's nice that after causing so many of his problems you are taking an interest in his well being, but it's getting late and I'm worried you've smuggled him back to your house without telling me. It would be nice if he could live with you and be safe, but his druggie friends and druggie ex know your address. He needs to stay AWAY from that crowd, not be where they can find him.

I'm taking care of him- you can see he's bathed, shaved, slept, eaten, and he's even wearing my clothes, since he didn't have any clean clothing of his own. You don't need to smuggle him away to what you know is a worse environment for him.

-Couch Owner

[draftermatt]

Dear Geico,

If I have to see another anamatronic lizard, or a caveman, I'm going to be upset. Your commercials suck, they aren't funny! I don't care how much money you can save me I'll never use your company.

Dear Baltimore Orioles,

I hate to pull rank, but I am a season ticket holder. That said, please stop with the freaking "fantasy camp" commercials with Buck Martinez and Jim Hunter. They were funny the first time, but they are on between every freaking inning! STOP IT!

Keep playing well

[protege]

Dear Pittsburgh Pirates...

Get your crap together, OK? You *begged* us, as taxpayers* to foot the bill for your new stadium, and you continue to suck? Are you effing kidding me? You haven't been in the playoffs since the 1990s. Oh, and BTW, quite a few people had fun with last year's slogan, "We Will." We Will what...suck?

An annoyed fan

[Marxfan]

Dear Dina Lohan...
My god, you are easily one of the worst mothers in the histories of mothers. You stood idly by, letting Lindsey "make her own mistakes", and now she's a pathetic ho nobody wants anything to do with anymore. And now you're moving on to her little sister!! You're nothing but a greedy, selfish, enabling leach! My god, letting your underage kid go clubbing??? When I was 16, I had to beg and plead and all but bribe my mother to let me wear a tank top!!!! I usually try to mind my own business on how others raise their kids, but you're just the prime example of the new generation of dipshit "cool moms" who'd rather be their kids' friends than their parents. Get it through your fake tanned head: you're not young. You're not hip. When you go clubbing with your kids, people are secretly laughing at you. You're a fortysomething mother. Act like it. Courtney Love, if you're reading this, same goes for you.
Pissed off.

[MystyGlyttyr]

Dear Hail, Tornadoes, Flooding, etc.,

GTFO.

Mysty