Faux pas? Or overreacting friend?

[MoonCat]

Here's what I think: You have grown and matured past middle-school emotional level. She has not. Because middle school is exactly what this shit sounds like.

It's up to you if you want to keep this friendship, but you will have to deal with her immaturity and her high-maintenance drama. She wants to make everything about her, and yes it does sound like she's jealous of your other friend(s). Adults shouldn't act like that toward their friends. Maybe she's going through something that's throwing off her equilibrium, but in that case she should apologize for throwing a hissy fit, explain why she's feeling vulnerable or whatever, and then make an effort to interact with you on an adult basis, not like a little girl.

[Soulstealer]

This is sounding a lot like one of my ex-friends - ex for a very long time now, and for good reason - who would say no if you offered her something, and then get offended if you didn't ask her twice more, because it was 'polite' to say no twice before you said yes, and she really meant yes, so I was being mean and greedy by taking the first 'no' as correct and not sharing. And I should know that, because everyone does it that way (not!).

There are a few cultures where you're supposed to refuse a few times before accepting, was your friend raised in one? If she wasn't then yeah, it's just annoying.

[iradney]

Sorry BHS, but she sounds like she's still in middle school. How long has this behaviour been a thing with her? Is it recent or if you look back, is it a trend? If it's recent, maybe stick it out, she could be having some kind of small issue. If it's a trend, I would suggest getting out. Someone like that is exhausting to spend time with, and you have better things to do (like letting Chihuahuas use your nipples as chew toys).

[bhskittykatt]

Is it recent or if you look back, is it a trend? If it's recent, maybe stick it out, she could be having some kind of small issue. If it's a trend, I would suggest getting out.

I want to say recent, though it's hard to say. She spent 9 months on the other side of the country, and shortly after she came back I had to dive into internships where I had no free time to socialize with anyone. (work 2 jobs plus an internship sometime. it's super fun. not really.) So we haven't seen each other much for two years.

She sent me more messages saying I'm unempathetic and that she's "worried" about me, that she's noticed it for "years" but hasn't said anything.

I'm not even responding. I'm too angry at her. I don't know what I'm going to do. But right now I need distance from her shit.

Listening to her vent about her career apparently is me being unempathetic. Running her mail to the post office when she was too busy to do her errands, or dog-sitting for her for a week for free when she needed someone to, apparently makes me unempathetic. I'm just an emotionless, unempathetic bitch.

Of course, when my ex asked her for nudes a few years into our marriage, when my ex confessed to her for some reason about the feelings and desires he was having for his coworkers, and she DIDN'T tell me and convinced my other friend to keep quiet about the whole affair (until other friend let it slip a couple months ago at my divorce party), surely that makes her the epitome of empathy right there.

Yeah, I'm bitter. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I am looking for reasons to salvage the friendship and frankly am coming up short.

So I'm not texting her back. Not for a while.

[Valentinian]

There are a few cultures where you're supposed to refuse a few times before accepting, was your friend raised in one? If she wasn't then yeah, it's just annoying.

Not that I know of! Australian of Italian descent... which is pretty similar to what I am, so.

[Valentinian]

She sent me more messages saying I'm unempathetic and that she's "worried" about me, that she's noticed it for "years" but hasn't said anything.

AHAHAHAHAHA NO. That sounds to me like the classic "Oops, someone's mad at me, I SHALL NOW MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THEM BEING WRONG SOMEHOW" asshole gambit. She's concern-trolling you, which is a tactic used to deflect blame by all sorts of people; the thing they have in common is that they're all wrong, and many of them are actually abusive. ("I'm saying this for your own good", "I only yell at you because I care so much" and "I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me mad" are variants you probably recognise.)

I'm not saying she's abusive. I am saying that she's using emotional manipulation tactics that many abusers use, including gaslighting - she's trying to convince you that you treat her badly and never do things that show you care about her, despite all evidence to the contrary - and frankly if I were you I'd go on a loooong break from the friendship, if didn't dump her completely.

[morgana]

I'll jump on the bandwagon; this is not a friend. This is a user. I would recommend sending her a one-way ticket to Dump City.

If you think it might jolt her head out of her ass, you might send her something to the effect of what you've been telling us. That she's had the benefit of your help/empathy a lot, and she was asked, and you were willing to go again with her AND TOLD HER SO, and so forth.

Personally, I don't think that would do anything but start another barrage of manipulation, but if you still value her . . .

TL;DR: It's not you. It's her.

[pudddykat]

Valentinian what you described is essentially gas lighting. Bhskittykat this person is not a friend. Remember to value yourself and don't let anyone devalue you.

[MoonCat]

when my ex asked her for nudes a few years into our marriage, when my ex confessed to her for some reason about the feelings and desires he was having for his coworkers, and she DIDN'T tell me and convinced my other friend to keep quiet about the whole affair

Wait wait wait WTF? No, no, no, hell to the no, whatever trendy phrase is current just NO.

Frankly I would dump her ass. She's not a friend. As others have said, she's a user.

You deserve better.

[Akasa]

I would end the friendship after that ass chewing.

Not worth it.

[bhskittykatt]

I ended up blocking her on FB and her cell number. I need space for a while...probably at least until after I relocate and find a new job.

It sucks. I lost my husband and one of my BFFs within the last year. Makes me wonder who I'll lose next.

[RootedPhoenix]

As far as "refuse something a few times, then accept", someone (this person's parents, maybe) could have grafted it into their familial customs. But it's really not something everyone does.

And with everything else, I'm sorry your friend is acting this way. She is manipulative (at least that's my understanding).

*hugs bhskittykatt*

I'm sad this is happening. You're still muchly loved. <3