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I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to give away for free. So I advertised it on Craigslist. I called the first person who emailed me and arranged a time figuring that would be the last I saw of the stuff I no longer wanted. And, the guy would have some stuff. A good deal all 'round, I'd say.
Unfortunately, he never showed up. He did however write me a novel over email as an apparent token of gratitude. I have since lovingly named him 'Dipstick'.
"Hello Mango, it's 'Dipstick'; I left a message on your ans. machine on Tues. night saying that I'd get the stuff for sure."
Yes. Yes, you did.
"As it turned out, that was much easier said than done,"
Okay. For some reason, our house is incredibly incredibly hard to find. I have no idea why because wonder of wonders, I do tend to find it each night when I'm coming home from work. But the sheer volume of people who have ended up lost, dazed, confused, and IN WHISTLER trying to find us makes me think I should give very precise, very very precise directions to anyone new. Here's the speech I gave him:
"Apparently our house is really really hard to find. So write this down. First you need to find Street X. Then, in between 41st and 42nd Avenue is Street Y. Turn the only way you can on Street Y and there's our house. If you don't know the area, bring a GPS or look it up on Google Maps before you come."
For some reason, the typical response to that speech is apparently, "That sounds easy enough. I don't think I'll even bother writing it down." 'Dipstick' was no exception.
"and when I eventually found it, after half an hour more of trudging thru the snow at 15 mph,"
Okay. It took you HALF AN HOUR to find Street Y? Let me let you in on a little secret. This is as simple as I can make things: numbered streets go in order. Remember how I told you it was between 41st and 42nd? Okay, so you're coming along Street X. You see 38th, 39th, 40th...oh! look what's coming! 41st... Okay, now you look for Street Y, and it's going to be somewhere between here and the next street. The only possible way you could miss this is if you ran out of fingers and toes back at 20th.
"the address turned out to be exactly where Street Y is interrupted by the SkyTrain,"
I don't know what to say to this, other than "No, it's not!" Street Y runs beside the SkyTrain. Let's take a moment to explore the differences here:
In the first scenario, Mango can look out of his window at the appropriate moment and wave to Gravekeeper as he goes to and from work each day. This is when Street Y runs beside the SkyTrain.
In the second scenario, Mango can OH MY GAWD THE SKYTRAIN'S COMING HOLY CRAP RUN FOR YOUR LIFE *SMASH*
This is when the SkyTrain interrupts Street Y. Note that the former scenario is the generally accepted case.
While talking with 'Dipstick', I mentioned that there is plenty of snow on Street Y, although Street X has been cleared. So, I suggested, unless 'Dipstick' has four-wheel drive, he should park at X and Y and walk in. It is not far and should only take him a minute or two.
"and after trying to get up the hill on Street Y 3 times, and failing due to no traction, I reversed all the way back downhill and was very lucky to get back onto main street without being stuck up there."
Okay, forgetting for a moment that I told you to park at X & Y if you were driving the Pinto, there...is...no...hill...on Street Y. None. At all. It's flat. Also...Main Street is way over on the other side of town. Where the heck were you???
"There was zero parking on Street Y; only a one laner thanks to 10,000 feet of snow on both sides,"
Yes. Yes, there was. There was plenty of parking on Y because nobody else is nuts enough to try and drive on it. And wait...what? 10,000 feet of snow??! Now, I'm no good at estimating but it appears that a WHOLE LOT of snow has melted in between the time you looked at it and now.
"and I didn't see the stuff out front,"
Did you look for it? It was exactly where I said it would be. I left it in between the screen door and the main door. In fact, it's still there now.
"so I figured it must be in the back alley;"
Yes. Yes, that's an excellent conclusion. Brilliant, Holmes! You have decided that instead of looking where I said I'd put the stuff, you'll look in a place we've never even discussed! By Jove! How does he do it!?
"at which point I realized that if there was this much snow on Street Y, then the back would probably be impassable with hip level snow."
Hip level snow? Okay, I can only come to one of two conclusions from this. Either a) there is much MUCH less snow in the back than there is in the front or b) you are 20,000 feet tall. Actually, there is a third conclusion. c) There is a FOOT of snow and you are exaggerating.
"So, I aborted the mission, as a painful death surely would have awaited me."
[sob] So close...and yet so far...
UPDATE: Now he's upset with ME because he wasted $10 in gas...
Unfortunately, he never showed up. He did however write me a novel over email as an apparent token of gratitude. I have since lovingly named him 'Dipstick'.
"Hello Mango, it's 'Dipstick'; I left a message on your ans. machine on Tues. night saying that I'd get the stuff for sure."
Yes. Yes, you did.
"As it turned out, that was much easier said than done,"
Okay. For some reason, our house is incredibly incredibly hard to find. I have no idea why because wonder of wonders, I do tend to find it each night when I'm coming home from work. But the sheer volume of people who have ended up lost, dazed, confused, and IN WHISTLER trying to find us makes me think I should give very precise, very very precise directions to anyone new. Here's the speech I gave him:
"Apparently our house is really really hard to find. So write this down. First you need to find Street X. Then, in between 41st and 42nd Avenue is Street Y. Turn the only way you can on Street Y and there's our house. If you don't know the area, bring a GPS or look it up on Google Maps before you come."
For some reason, the typical response to that speech is apparently, "That sounds easy enough. I don't think I'll even bother writing it down." 'Dipstick' was no exception.
"and when I eventually found it, after half an hour more of trudging thru the snow at 15 mph,"
Okay. It took you HALF AN HOUR to find Street Y? Let me let you in on a little secret. This is as simple as I can make things: numbered streets go in order. Remember how I told you it was between 41st and 42nd? Okay, so you're coming along Street X. You see 38th, 39th, 40th...oh! look what's coming! 41st... Okay, now you look for Street Y, and it's going to be somewhere between here and the next street. The only possible way you could miss this is if you ran out of fingers and toes back at 20th.
"the address turned out to be exactly where Street Y is interrupted by the SkyTrain,"
I don't know what to say to this, other than "No, it's not!" Street Y runs beside the SkyTrain. Let's take a moment to explore the differences here:
In the first scenario, Mango can look out of his window at the appropriate moment and wave to Gravekeeper as he goes to and from work each day. This is when Street Y runs beside the SkyTrain.
In the second scenario, Mango can OH MY GAWD THE SKYTRAIN'S COMING HOLY CRAP RUN FOR YOUR LIFE *SMASH*
This is when the SkyTrain interrupts Street Y. Note that the former scenario is the generally accepted case.
While talking with 'Dipstick', I mentioned that there is plenty of snow on Street Y, although Street X has been cleared. So, I suggested, unless 'Dipstick' has four-wheel drive, he should park at X and Y and walk in. It is not far and should only take him a minute or two.
"and after trying to get up the hill on Street Y 3 times, and failing due to no traction, I reversed all the way back downhill and was very lucky to get back onto main street without being stuck up there."
Okay, forgetting for a moment that I told you to park at X & Y if you were driving the Pinto, there...is...no...hill...on Street Y. None. At all. It's flat. Also...Main Street is way over on the other side of town. Where the heck were you???
"There was zero parking on Street Y; only a one laner thanks to 10,000 feet of snow on both sides,"
Yes. Yes, there was. There was plenty of parking on Y because nobody else is nuts enough to try and drive on it. And wait...what? 10,000 feet of snow??! Now, I'm no good at estimating but it appears that a WHOLE LOT of snow has melted in between the time you looked at it and now.
"and I didn't see the stuff out front,"
Did you look for it? It was exactly where I said it would be. I left it in between the screen door and the main door. In fact, it's still there now.
"so I figured it must be in the back alley;"
Yes. Yes, that's an excellent conclusion. Brilliant, Holmes! You have decided that instead of looking where I said I'd put the stuff, you'll look in a place we've never even discussed! By Jove! How does he do it!?
"at which point I realized that if there was this much snow on Street Y, then the back would probably be impassable with hip level snow."
Hip level snow? Okay, I can only come to one of two conclusions from this. Either a) there is much MUCH less snow in the back than there is in the front or b) you are 20,000 feet tall. Actually, there is a third conclusion. c) There is a FOOT of snow and you are exaggerating.
"So, I aborted the mission, as a painful death surely would have awaited me."
[sob] So close...and yet so far...
UPDATE: Now he's upset with ME because he wasted $10 in gas...
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