Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man."

[crazylegs]

Emotions can do strange things to people, they can make you run into burning buildings to look for total strangers, they can make total volunteers go out onto force nine seas in an inflatable rib to rescue those from a sunken ship, they can make you devote your life to a single person, this is the power someone who is suffering from Domestic Abuse is up against.

Love is all blinding, it makes you ignore all the bad points against someone, remember that ex that used to always ask you questions and you thought that was great because they truseted your judgment and now you just find it plain annoying that they bug you all the time.

Someone in a DA situation will not have been hit straight away from the offset of the relationship, Abusers are cunning, they first destroy your self esteem, they take away your confidence, they make you feel like you cannot survive without them, then and only then does the violence start, but its not broken bones, its a slap and the victim will justify it they didn't mean to, I made him angry or He loves me, he'd never try to hurt me, he won't do it again. Only it doesn't stop, and the more the Abuser works on their victim the more the self esteem and confidence goes, so then the violence increases. Its no longer a slap, its a punch, a kick, they're thrown down the stairs, they get bones broken, but all the time the Abuser is destroying what tiny semblance of dignity and self respect the victim has left until the Abuser has total control and the vicitm cannot leave their abuser.

I'm aware of one incident where (similar to this one) the victim had had enough, they had left. They phoned the police who arranged to go back into the house and pick up some of her belongings, only they couldn't remove the abuser whilst they did this because it was his house, so all the while when she was packing her suitcase he was calling up the stairs telling her he loved her and that he could't live without her and he would never hurt her again. All the while the packing got slower and slower and slower until she stopped. She put down what she had just picked up and placed it back in the drawer, and repeated with all her belongings and unpacked her suitcase.

This is the power of emotions, the total control they have over us and the power of Domestic Abuse.

(Throughout this I have said 'He' for the abuser, I am fully aware there is a significant number of men in abusive relationships, I merely said 'He' for ease of typing).

Stay Safe

[Saydrah]

Take care of YOU first, Jester. This is making everyone sick and crazy. You have no obligation to be there for her twice. I hope things will work out so you CAN be if and when she finally does leave him (I'm ever the optimist) but if it's hurting YOU, don't do it. You can't help anyone if you sacrifice your sanity for one person who's already rejected your help and the help of everyone else in the situation.

[Talon]

Wow.

TD, you are a real fucked-up piece of work. Do you think the whole world revolves around you?

Any sympathy I might have had for her up until now, just went up in smoke. Until she A) leaves the loser, B) apologizes to her friends, and C) pays back the $50 for the changed locks, I might actually give a damn about her fate. Congrats Jester, you're a better person than I would be in your shoes.

For the record, I do understand the victim mindset. My best friend was married to a manipulative psycho. 2 of her cousins are going through the same bullshit right now. But you know what? That's no excuse! TD's an adult, she has a responsibility to both herself and to her friends. She failed, she knows it, and apparently doesn't give a damn. How much sympathy am I supposed to feel?

[AnqeiicDemise]

Jester:

I've bee in in your shoes in my short life far too many times. I know how it feels to do just about everything in your power to help someone who needs it only to have it backfire on you at the last moment.

My 'best' friend (same one who stopped talking to me when I came out of the broom closet and said I was going to hell for believing such things.) called me out of the blue about six months ago, bawling her little head off. Her baby-daddy, the live in boyfriend, had played drum line on her body and choked her half to death. She asked, begged for help and I, being in San Fransisco at the time didn't know what to do as she was in LA.

So I did what I could do. I called people who didn't like this friend because of all the things she'd done to me (long, manipulative, hurtful background here). I begged, pleaded and asked that they help 'Friend' because, well, it doesn't matter how horrible she's treated me, NO ONE deserves to be treated like a human pinata. After much begging, my mother finally relented and said she'd open her home up to 'Friend'. My other best friend (she's more of a sister) said she'd help F only because F was driving around like an idiot with her baby in tow.

F had called the police. F had gotten her baby daddy arrested and sent to court-mandated anger management.

F never showed up at the pick up spot and never went to my mother's house. Two days later she was back with BD who had 'changed because of his jail time and was really, really sorry.'

I don't talk to F much. She still calls me from time to time and I pick up and talk to her. I feel bad if I cut her out completely as she feels abandoned as *everyone* in her life turned her back on her (because of a very much TD situation). Its just not the same, though. We talk about nothing and it feels detached. If she feels like asking for help, I don't know if I could do it again.

I figure she'll leave when she realizes she has to, and I hope that comes before the second kid comes out in September.

But some people don't learn, Jester. Some people don't leave even after the gun's been pulled and shot in their general direction. Some people don't react like you want them to when the anger is taken out on the child (i.e. my oldest blood sister. The kid's been shot at *twice*. Niece is unharmed, btw, thank the gods).

And you can't beat yourself up over it. If you do, you won't ever get some peace of mind, Jester-dear. You'll just drive yourself sick and hinder yourself from living your *own* life.

Keep TD in your prayers, Jester, like I keep F and Sis in mine. Its the most you can do in hopes that, someday, they open up their eyes and finally walk away.

Its a sad, miserable case, I know. And it hurts sometimes, to realize you just don't care anymore (or that you don't feel like caring) because you're a giving person with a heart of gold. You stepped up to the plate. You went above and beyond what was called for.

For that, on behalf of the battered women who *DO* get out and honestly *want* to get out, Thank You.


-Demise

[Saydrah]

Just sharing some quotes from this blog post I just saw:
http://community.disaboom.com/commun...nd-growth.aspx

"The problems this person I am providing friendship and care for are deep; to be sure. I could probably do some good. There is trauma involved. There are situations I could help with. There are experiences I have gone through, which I could share knowledge of, that could help this person.

You know what? It is not my place to do so. This person is going to have to deal with their own issues. This person is going to have to dig their own way out. In fact – I am leaving their service."

.....

"Trauma is blinding. I have had a bad case of, “Fix-It,” or, “Save the World,” syndrome. As I have mentioned, the rewards have been immense; the damages have been equally immense."

.....

"I am worthy. Very much so. I can also learn, and I am.

Lucky Charms may be, “Magically Delicious; “ this cycle of trauma crap is not. Time is needed. I will continue to learn, and grow."

That Lucky Charms bit may be the best thing I've heard that relates to this situation, EVAR.

So not magically delicious, TD.... SO not magically delicious.

[Jester]

Things are turning uglier....

"Cause I can't leave things well alone..." (Natalie Imbruglia)

So today I suddenly remembered that back when I had been helping TD and trying to be a good friend, I loaned her a book that I had finished with that she was interested in.

Knowing I should just write said book off, but not being able to let things lay, I texted TD and asked her if there was a chance I could get it back. I said nothing else.

And then all text message hell broke loose.

TD claimed (or BB, hard to know for sure over text) that:

--we had all turned on her, assuming and judging without knowing the facts, though she has never provided the facts.

--we had all treated her like shit. You know, everyone who had helped her and been there for her and gotten her clothes when she had none and opened up their homes and gone out of their way to do everything in their power to keep the dude from every doing that to her again, even though every single one of them except me only knew her a few months, if that. Yeah, we treated her like shit.

--Cheer Girl had stolen some of her stuff. Because of that, TD does not think she needs to pay Cheer Girl the money that CG spent to change the locks. TD even went so far as to say that she would be filing a police report on the missing stuff. This is the same girl that let the restraining order lapse.

--Cheer Girl had no reason to be freaked out by BB, as she had never met him. Ignoring, of course, the fact that we had all seen his handiwork.

--no one should judge her without having been there. Again ignoring the fact that most of the people trying to help her either knew one or more people who had been there, or they themselves had been there at some point.

--she knew what real friends were, and that we weren't really her friends, because we all just turned on her and assumed she had gone back to BB. After she did go back to him, he had access to her phone, he used it to call Rockin' Manager and yell obscenities at her, she used his truck, and she sent him in to the place she knew he was banned from to pick up her stuff. Yeah, it was rather reckless for us to jump to such a conclusion based upon such flimsy evidence, don't ya think?

Most of us have bent over backwards, me perhaps more than some of the others, to try to help her, and yet we are the bad guys, we don't know what's going on, we are all treating her terribly. Either she really believes this, or someone is convincing her of it, or she is trying to justify something, or she is truly nuts, or a million other possibilities that I am not nearly smart enough to figure out.

I thought I knew this girl. I've known her for eight years. Either she is nuts or the abused woman syndrome is even more complex than I had thought, and because I thought it was so complex, I was giving her more leeway than almost anyone else involved. Personally I don't think she is any nuttier than any other woman, and I believe that this is just the way this whole type of situation plays on a woman's mind. Even if she DID go back to him to leave him, that kind of logic only makes sense to someone who has had their entire confidence and self-esteem systematically broken down.

Again, I can't stress it enough ladies....if you find yourself in a situation that is at all abusive, don't fool yourself into thinking things will change. Well, they WILL change, but they will only change for the worse as the abuse increases.

It makes me almost ask why I bother. I say almost, because the fact of the matter is that the next time someone I care for needs my help, I will be there for them. I will not allow this cesspool of a situaation to poison my mind against helping those in need for fear that they may not appreciate it, even though oftentimes they won't, or for fear that it could turn ugly, as it apparently has with this experience.

[Saydrah]

*sigh* I don't really even know what to say, except that she's lashing out because some part of her knows that she has no future (not the relationship has no future... SHE has no future) with this guy and that her support system is crumbling after she abused all the people who care about her.

[reformedwaitress]

It makes me almost ask why I bother.

You bother cause you care about her and your heart is bigger than even you realize sometimes. And even if you hadn't known her for years, even if you'd only known her a few weeks or months, like the rest of us, you still would have done everything you did.

How do I know this? Cause I know you. And you're a good guy.

Back on topic, I won't go into this subject because even though I've been there, explaining her actions just isn't really possible. My guess is she's ashamed and trying to pass it off on everyone else to justify a decision she knows is wrong. I would bet you anything it doesn't really even make sense to HER right now.

I know my reasonings never made sense to me. I was just ashamed.

[Jester]

My guess is she's ashamed and trying to pass it off on everyone else to justify a decision she knows is wrong. I would bet you anything it doesn't really even make sense to HER right now.

And this is why, even after all that has happened, I am still not angry at her, though many people involved definitely are. I am not angry at her, I am not pissed. I am just sad.

[Gravekeeper]

.....wow, I came in late to this rather epic clusterfuck and just wow.

I have nothing to add save summing it up by saying:

You can't save someone from themselves.

[crazylegs]

Just a little thought for the day.

In the UK the average abused spouse will suffer 33 seperate acts of violence (as in on totally seperate occasions) before they phone the police for THE FIRST TIME. Let alone actually getting out of the relationship.

[Eireann]

It sounds like TD is trying desperately hard to rationalize her decision to go back to the guy who beat the crap out of her and left her outside the house. How does she do this? By claiming that those who helped her, were really taking advantage of her.

It's also all too true that all of you had spent a lot of time challenging all the bullshit BB had been feeding her. When you start to break free of all the lies and manipulation someone's been handing you, you don't know where you are. You feel like there's nothing to believe in. You have one person claiming to "love" you, while causing you immense emotional, and often physical pain. On the other hand, you have friends who rally around you and give you emotional support, but they, not being manipulators, are open and honest about their feelings. You're not used to this. You're used to lies and deceit.

Manipulators like this are very, VERY good at what they do. Okay, they're very EFFICIENT at what they do. I don't want to use the word "good" here. They use the low, soothing voice. They intersperse insults with compliments (actually, the "compliments" are veiled insults, but when you're in such a low state, they sound like compliments). They tell you how much you mean to them, how they couldn't get along without you, they'll never never never do it again, etc.

And it's easier, it seems to you then, to keep on with that rather than stand up for yourself, move out, move on, be independent, stand on your own two feet, and - here is the crunch - change your entire way of thinking.

Because it's not just about one manipulative fuck. It's about what that manipulative fuck saw in you to KNOW that s/he could get you to play his/her game. Sharks can scent an extremely small amount of blood in a large volume of water, and they move in. It's the same with these bastards. They know what to look for, and they know how to use it.

So, my guess is that BB's been spending a few days brainwashing TD and working her into a frenzy so that she wants to believe that the people who have been bending over backwards to help her, are just out to take advantage of her. I think we've all known someone who, in a relationship, can be worked up easily by his/her partner, exploding into a rage while the partner sits back and enjoys the fireworks. That's what is happening here.

Of course, BB also wants to view himself as the good guy. They always do. That's why he tries to excuse his behavior. He doesn't say, "Screw you, bitch! Next time you'll get a whole lot worse! Don't even think about talking back to me!" He tried to excuse his behavior to her, to you, to several other people. But he knows that you know what a shitstain he really is, so he's seething at all of you.

My recommendation is, tell the police exactly what has been happening, and tell them that you're afraid for the safety of those who have helped TD, since you can't tell just how far BB's anger and vengeance will go.

As hard as it is, sometimes you just have to let people fuck up their lives entirely. TD may, one day, realize how much you've done for her. In the meantime, BB got her around to believing that you've been taking advantage of her, and she's given all of you the metaphorical finger. She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

[Jester]

By claiming that those who helped her, were really taking advantage of her.

So, my guess is that BB's been spending a few days brainwashing TD and working her into a frenzy so that she wants to believe that the people who have been bending over backwards to help her, are just out to take advantage of her.

In the meantime, BB got her around to believing that you've been taking advantage of her, and she's given all of you the metaphorical finger. She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

Actually, that's not quite what's been happening, or what she said, anyways.

She never accused anyone of taking advantage of her. What she did do was say we all had turned on her after she had gone back to BB, that after that, we started treating her like shit, that we were not her real friends, etc. And she claimed that she was shortly leaving him to go home to her native city, but she could not explain the logic behind going back to someone you had left in order to leave them. Nor could she explain why she thought it a good idea to send the guy who caused all the problems, who was banned from the premises of the business, to that very business to get her stuff. But in any case, she KNEW that we had all turned on her, etc., etc., etc.

No, I don't get it either. If you can explain it to me in plain simple English, I would love to hear it.

[blas]

Jester, I am so sorry.

It sucks when you do everything you can for a friend and think you've gotten through to them, and they just go back to their old ways.

I hope she stays safe for now! So are you really saying that the restraining order and everything got dropped?!

[Jester]

So are you really saying that the restraining order and everything got dropped?!

I don't know when the temporary restraining order expired/expires. I DO know that she was back with fuckhead the morning they were both supposed to be in court for the hearing for the permanent restraining order. If she had shown up and he had not, it would have been automatically granted. If they both had shown up, the judge would have listened to both sides, her side saying why it was needed, his side saying why it wasn't, and then the judge would have made a ruling. With her not showing up and actually being back together with him, as far as I know, the TRO is null and void and the RO never happened. Worse still, as this was the second TRO she took out against him, and the second time she went back to him, it is unlikely she will be able to get one against him in the future.