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Because yesterday was a banner day for idiots at my bar.
That's a New One
On our wall, we have a giant chalkboard listing the craft beers we have on draft, and on that board, it lists their state of origin and their ABV, or Alcohol By Volume percentage. People often ask us "What's that percentage mean?" That is a fair question. But a guy today had a new version:
"Why do each of those beers have different sales tax?"
You Did Not Just Ask That, Did You?
So this group is ordering munchies. And one of the women is asking about the nachos.
WOMAN: "So if we get the plain nachos, they still come with all this stuff?"
JESTER: "Yes ma'am, they come with guacamole, sour cream, salsa, and jalapenos."
WOMAN: "Can we get them without the jalapenos?"
JESTER: "Of course."
WOMAN: "And they come with melted cheese on them, right?"
JESTER: "..."
WOMAN: [expectant stare]
JESTER: "You did NOT just ask me that, did you? They're nachos. Of COURSE they come with cheese!"
WOMAN'S FRIENDS:
WOMAN:
JESTER: [throwing hands in air and walking away] "That's it, I'm out of here!"
The sad thing is, I mentioned that to my manager, and she said someone else asked her that very question that very day. Seriously? The very definition of nachos is that they are chips with melted cheese on them. Otherwise, they are just chips!
Respect Mah Authoritah!
This wasn't annoying or even stupid, just funny. Guy and girl sit down at the bar and order drinks. I ask for ID. The guy hands me a Key West Police ID card, saying, "I'm a cop." So I look him in the eye and say, "Then you know I'm gonna need to see your license." Turned out to be a cool couple of people, but considering he was born the year I graduated high school (1988), yeah, need the ID that is valid for alcohol purchases in Florida there, pal.
Scammer Alert
So a guy is sitting at the bar eating food and orders a beer from me. I ask my coworker what tab he's under, and she says he's not. Huh? Where'd he get the food from. Well......
It seems that this pinhead had called ahead and ordered food to be picked up, and had given a credit card number over the phone to my manager. When he got there, he decided to sit down at the bar and eat. And he wanted us to add his beer to the tab that my manager still had open for him. Okay....
And since it was happy hour, he actually got two beers for the price of that one. But the weird part is, when asked to produce the card, he didn't have it on him, and told my manager to just run the number. Being that she is a relatively new manager, she was a bit flummoxed, and did so. The card went through, but we are pretty sure he's a scammer, because apparently he's done shit like this before. We've taken card numbers over the phone before for deliveries, or if Aunt Martha wants to buy her favorite nephew and his wife a round of drinks on their honeymoon (happens more often than you would think), but for pickup? No.
And now New Manager knows to never do this again. And had Scammer tried to order another round from me or my coworker, we would have asked for cash or an actual credit card. We will not be taking just the card number from this guy again.
And does anyone want to guess what kind of tip he left for sitting at the bar, taking up space, and getting two beers from us, one of which he put on his "tab" with the manager, one of which was free for the happy hour special? If you guessed a nice round number that rhymes with "gyro," you would be very, very right. I am so waiting for this guy to try this shit again. Or better, try to order something from us and pay with a credit card number. Sorry pal, you need your ACTUAL card.
You're Not Prepared, So We Should Be
This is actually a general observation. I cannot count how many times bar guests will ask something along the lines of "Do you have an iPhone charger back there?" Or whatever phone the have. To which I have some questions.
1. It's 3:15 pm. Why is your phone dead already?
2. If you knew this would happen, why don't you have your charger?
3. What do you think the odds are that the staff will have the same type of phone you do?
4. What do you think the odds are that the BAR will actually just have random chargers behind the bar for this use? If we were Radio Shack, I could see it. We're not. We have a far better happy hour than the Shack.
5. Even if I happen to have the same phone as you, I rarely bring my charger to work. Normally it is at home, where I charge my phone. Except for my car charger which, shockingly, I leave in my car. Why do I never bring my charger to work? Because I don't load up my phone with eight thousand apps and leave them running constantly so that my phone is dead at 3:15 pm.
I am especially amused by non-customers that come in off the street and inquire about phone chargers. Not where they can find them, but if we have any that they can use. Riiiiiiight.
(The next two didn't happen yesterday, but I do think they need to be posted, and I've just been too busy to post them at the time. Of course, I have no idea if either of these happened on a Thursday or not, but given my schedule, there is a 25% chance one or both of them did!)
Free Rum? But of Course!
Somehow people seem to think we give out free samples of rum. I think I know how this happened, actually. We do do sampler platters of rum, usually sipping rums, that you can get at a discounted price, so that you can try different rums. It is our thing, after all. And I believe some of the local tour guides/taxi drivers/concierges around town have mentioned this to people when mentioning our establishment. And somehow either these informative types have mistakenly thought that such things were free (unlikely), or the tourists just decided that the word "free" was somehow in there (more likely). Either way, on a rather consistent basis, we will often have the following conversation with people coming in off the street....
THEM: "We were told that you do samples of rum?"
US: [explain the rum sampler platters]
THEM: "Oh, so they're not free?"
US: "Um, no."
THEM: "Oh. Okay." [They leave.]
Well, a couple of weeks ago, this one guy took it to a new level. He and a couple of woman came in, sat down, and asked about rum samples. Not realizing that these people thought they were getting something free, I explained the sampler platter to them, and showed them the list, on which we have several that are predesigned, and also the option to make your own by choosing your own rums. The predesigned ones all have prices marked next to them, and I explained their options, including how the pricing works.
Well, this guy ordered the most expensive one, with four of the FINEST sipping rums in the world. These rums are each so awesome, that I joke with people that BY LAW, if anyone orders these rums with coke, I must punch them in the face. Also, the cheapest one of these rums goes for $24 a shot.
As I start to set up the platter, the guy says not to fill the shot glasses all the way, he just wants a little.
JESTER: "Well sir, the price is still the same, either way. You might as well get your money's worth!"
I am thinking I am being cheerful and helpful. And please, note my phrasing.
Apparently he noted it, too.
IDIOT: "Wait, you mean it's not free?"
JESTER: "Um....no, sir. It's $X.xx, as listed right there." [indicating the price that is clearly marked on the list]
IDIOT: "But I just wanted to try a little taste of each."
JESTER: "Sir, these are four of the finest sipping rums in the world. We don't just give out free samples of them."
IDIOT: "But I was told that you do."
JESTER: "Sir, I don't know who told you that, or what they told you, but either you misunderstood them, or they were wrong."
IDIOT: "Well I don't want to pay $X.xx to try rum!"
JESTER: "And I can't make you, sir. But that is the price of this platter."
What happened next?
A. He thought about it, and ordered a cheaper rum sampler platter.
B. He thought about it, and said what the hell, and got the expensive rum sampler platter.
C. He and his friends got up and left, without ordering a thing.
I'll give you a hint. "Idiot" and "thought" are not two words usually associated with one another.
Now, we will occasionally give a bar customer a tiny taste of a rum. But they are customers, and we don't do it with rums of that quality and that expense. Because, you know, we'd like to keep our jobs. And because, you know, anyone ordering one of those rums knows what the price is and that they may not like it, but figure what the hell, let's try some rum.
I swear, though, if I find out some idiot local is telling people we give out "free rum," I am going to beat them bloody with a bottle of Bacardi 151.
Thanks.....PAL!
The bar has some new VIP cards for certain people working around town, usually working for one of the businesses that send us business, as it were. As a reward for steering people our way, these cards get them 20% off their tab. A pretty cool thing, if you ask me.
Well, this one guy was in with a friend/date/mistress/some chick, and they ate and drank. And the bill came, and he presented his VIP card. So I too, the 20% off and ran his credit card. And when I got the credit slip back, I saw what he had tipped me.
His bill, AFTER we had taken TWENTY PERCENT off, was about $30. The cheap little bastard tipped us $3. That's right, he tipped us 10% on the discounted amount.
Now, I know a lot of servers and bartenders feel that they should be tipped on the nondiscounted, original amount. I agree, but don't get too bent out of shape if people tip on the new, discounted amount, because I realize not everyone knows this. But to get a fifth of your bill taken off, and get good service, and only leave 10% on the discounted amount? Bitch, please. I know you have an accent and are from somewhere else, but if you have one of those cards, you live here, and you know how things go. So again, bitch, please! It's a bad, bad, BAD idea to piss off the bartenders. After all....
We control your booze.
That's a New One
On our wall, we have a giant chalkboard listing the craft beers we have on draft, and on that board, it lists their state of origin and their ABV, or Alcohol By Volume percentage. People often ask us "What's that percentage mean?" That is a fair question. But a guy today had a new version:
"Why do each of those beers have different sales tax?"
You Did Not Just Ask That, Did You?
So this group is ordering munchies. And one of the women is asking about the nachos.
WOMAN: "So if we get the plain nachos, they still come with all this stuff?"
JESTER: "Yes ma'am, they come with guacamole, sour cream, salsa, and jalapenos."
WOMAN: "Can we get them without the jalapenos?"
JESTER: "Of course."
WOMAN: "And they come with melted cheese on them, right?"
JESTER: "..."
WOMAN: [expectant stare]
JESTER: "You did NOT just ask me that, did you? They're nachos. Of COURSE they come with cheese!"
WOMAN'S FRIENDS:
WOMAN:
JESTER: [throwing hands in air and walking away] "That's it, I'm out of here!"
The sad thing is, I mentioned that to my manager, and she said someone else asked her that very question that very day. Seriously? The very definition of nachos is that they are chips with melted cheese on them. Otherwise, they are just chips!
Respect Mah Authoritah!
This wasn't annoying or even stupid, just funny. Guy and girl sit down at the bar and order drinks. I ask for ID. The guy hands me a Key West Police ID card, saying, "I'm a cop." So I look him in the eye and say, "Then you know I'm gonna need to see your license." Turned out to be a cool couple of people, but considering he was born the year I graduated high school (1988), yeah, need the ID that is valid for alcohol purchases in Florida there, pal.
Scammer Alert
So a guy is sitting at the bar eating food and orders a beer from me. I ask my coworker what tab he's under, and she says he's not. Huh? Where'd he get the food from. Well......
It seems that this pinhead had called ahead and ordered food to be picked up, and had given a credit card number over the phone to my manager. When he got there, he decided to sit down at the bar and eat. And he wanted us to add his beer to the tab that my manager still had open for him. Okay....
And since it was happy hour, he actually got two beers for the price of that one. But the weird part is, when asked to produce the card, he didn't have it on him, and told my manager to just run the number. Being that she is a relatively new manager, she was a bit flummoxed, and did so. The card went through, but we are pretty sure he's a scammer, because apparently he's done shit like this before. We've taken card numbers over the phone before for deliveries, or if Aunt Martha wants to buy her favorite nephew and his wife a round of drinks on their honeymoon (happens more often than you would think), but for pickup? No.
And now New Manager knows to never do this again. And had Scammer tried to order another round from me or my coworker, we would have asked for cash or an actual credit card. We will not be taking just the card number from this guy again.
And does anyone want to guess what kind of tip he left for sitting at the bar, taking up space, and getting two beers from us, one of which he put on his "tab" with the manager, one of which was free for the happy hour special? If you guessed a nice round number that rhymes with "gyro," you would be very, very right. I am so waiting for this guy to try this shit again. Or better, try to order something from us and pay with a credit card number. Sorry pal, you need your ACTUAL card.
You're Not Prepared, So We Should Be
This is actually a general observation. I cannot count how many times bar guests will ask something along the lines of "Do you have an iPhone charger back there?" Or whatever phone the have. To which I have some questions.
1. It's 3:15 pm. Why is your phone dead already?
2. If you knew this would happen, why don't you have your charger?
3. What do you think the odds are that the staff will have the same type of phone you do?
4. What do you think the odds are that the BAR will actually just have random chargers behind the bar for this use? If we were Radio Shack, I could see it. We're not. We have a far better happy hour than the Shack.
5. Even if I happen to have the same phone as you, I rarely bring my charger to work. Normally it is at home, where I charge my phone. Except for my car charger which, shockingly, I leave in my car. Why do I never bring my charger to work? Because I don't load up my phone with eight thousand apps and leave them running constantly so that my phone is dead at 3:15 pm.
I am especially amused by non-customers that come in off the street and inquire about phone chargers. Not where they can find them, but if we have any that they can use. Riiiiiiight.
(The next two didn't happen yesterday, but I do think they need to be posted, and I've just been too busy to post them at the time. Of course, I have no idea if either of these happened on a Thursday or not, but given my schedule, there is a 25% chance one or both of them did!)
Free Rum? But of Course!
Somehow people seem to think we give out free samples of rum. I think I know how this happened, actually. We do do sampler platters of rum, usually sipping rums, that you can get at a discounted price, so that you can try different rums. It is our thing, after all. And I believe some of the local tour guides/taxi drivers/concierges around town have mentioned this to people when mentioning our establishment. And somehow either these informative types have mistakenly thought that such things were free (unlikely), or the tourists just decided that the word "free" was somehow in there (more likely). Either way, on a rather consistent basis, we will often have the following conversation with people coming in off the street....
THEM: "We were told that you do samples of rum?"
US: [explain the rum sampler platters]
THEM: "Oh, so they're not free?"
US: "Um, no."
THEM: "Oh. Okay." [They leave.]
Well, a couple of weeks ago, this one guy took it to a new level. He and a couple of woman came in, sat down, and asked about rum samples. Not realizing that these people thought they were getting something free, I explained the sampler platter to them, and showed them the list, on which we have several that are predesigned, and also the option to make your own by choosing your own rums. The predesigned ones all have prices marked next to them, and I explained their options, including how the pricing works.
Well, this guy ordered the most expensive one, with four of the FINEST sipping rums in the world. These rums are each so awesome, that I joke with people that BY LAW, if anyone orders these rums with coke, I must punch them in the face. Also, the cheapest one of these rums goes for $24 a shot.
As I start to set up the platter, the guy says not to fill the shot glasses all the way, he just wants a little.
JESTER: "Well sir, the price is still the same, either way. You might as well get your money's worth!"
I am thinking I am being cheerful and helpful. And please, note my phrasing.
Apparently he noted it, too.
IDIOT: "Wait, you mean it's not free?"
JESTER: "Um....no, sir. It's $X.xx, as listed right there." [indicating the price that is clearly marked on the list]
IDIOT: "But I just wanted to try a little taste of each."
JESTER: "Sir, these are four of the finest sipping rums in the world. We don't just give out free samples of them."
IDIOT: "But I was told that you do."
JESTER: "Sir, I don't know who told you that, or what they told you, but either you misunderstood them, or they were wrong."
IDIOT: "Well I don't want to pay $X.xx to try rum!"
JESTER: "And I can't make you, sir. But that is the price of this platter."
What happened next?
A. He thought about it, and ordered a cheaper rum sampler platter.
B. He thought about it, and said what the hell, and got the expensive rum sampler platter.
C. He and his friends got up and left, without ordering a thing.
I'll give you a hint. "Idiot" and "thought" are not two words usually associated with one another.
Now, we will occasionally give a bar customer a tiny taste of a rum. But they are customers, and we don't do it with rums of that quality and that expense. Because, you know, we'd like to keep our jobs. And because, you know, anyone ordering one of those rums knows what the price is and that they may not like it, but figure what the hell, let's try some rum.
I swear, though, if I find out some idiot local is telling people we give out "free rum," I am going to beat them bloody with a bottle of Bacardi 151.
Thanks.....PAL!
The bar has some new VIP cards for certain people working around town, usually working for one of the businesses that send us business, as it were. As a reward for steering people our way, these cards get them 20% off their tab. A pretty cool thing, if you ask me.
Well, this one guy was in with a friend/date/mistress/some chick, and they ate and drank. And the bill came, and he presented his VIP card. So I too, the 20% off and ran his credit card. And when I got the credit slip back, I saw what he had tipped me.
His bill, AFTER we had taken TWENTY PERCENT off, was about $30. The cheap little bastard tipped us $3. That's right, he tipped us 10% on the discounted amount.
Now, I know a lot of servers and bartenders feel that they should be tipped on the nondiscounted, original amount. I agree, but don't get too bent out of shape if people tip on the new, discounted amount, because I realize not everyone knows this. But to get a fifth of your bill taken off, and get good service, and only leave 10% on the discounted amount? Bitch, please. I know you have an accent and are from somewhere else, but if you have one of those cards, you live here, and you know how things go. So again, bitch, please! It's a bad, bad, BAD idea to piss off the bartenders. After all....
We control your booze.
(Drink it? Are you crazy??? I may not particularly like my liver, but I do like my taste buds, thank you very much.)
or any mixer for that matter. I had a sampler and would not really care for a mixer in those...especially the sweet one
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