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Argh, last night was *bad*. I was the head judge on the panel for an 8 hour fuckwit talent show. Oh, right, language warning.
867
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC""If its in stock…..xxxx-xx"
Me: "Ok, I only have that item in stock in small."
SC: "………."
Me: "…..hello?"
SC: "Yeah?"
Me: "I only have that item in small."
SC: "You won't have any in till 1?"
Me: "….pardon?"
SC: "When will you have more?"
Me: "I'm not sure, unfortunately it-"
SC: "Ok, what about xxxx-xx"
Me: "Ok, I only have that in stock in small and medium."
SC: "You don't have it?"
Me: "I have it, but only in small and medium."
SC: "But the book says extra large."
Me: "Yes, but I only have small and medium in stock."
SC: "Then how come the book says extra large?!"
Me: "I. Only. Have. It. IN STOCK. In. Small. And. Medium. We. Don't. Have. Any. Extra. Large. LEFT."
The book says extra large because the book IS NOT MADE OF MAGIC AND PIXIE DUST. It is not intimately tied to product availability and cannot remotely update itself according to our stock. It is mere paper and cannot possibly perform the miracles you're demanding of it. I am unaware of the name of the fantasy world in which you live but I hope it has the standard requirement of a heartless Ancient Evil™ threatening its very existence. Because if you're the only hope it has I can take solace in the fact you and your entire beer can fort town will fall under the unrelenting dark hordes that even now as we speak surely march towards you.
867
Me: "Ok, and what's your name please?"
SC: "Winstin."
Me: "Winstin?" ( Caller is clearly female..... )
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "ok....and your last name?"
SC: "<fantastically long last name that is pretty much another first and last name onto itself>"
Me: "…ok, are you ordering FOR Winstin?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "May I speak with Winstin, please?" ( I smell….stupid. )
SC: "Huh? Ok…..<muttering ensues in the background.>"
Me: "……….."
SC: "<more muttering> Come talk to him! He wants to ask you somethin'<more arguing>"
Me: "……….."
SC: "<dead silence>"
Me: "………."
SC: "Hello." ( The same woman, but now she's trying to make her voice deeper. )
Me: "Hi….is this Winstin?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "…….and its alright for her to place an order for you?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "……your name is REALLY Winstin?"
SC: "………<click>"
I'm not sure what's more idiotic here: The fact you thought you could pass for Winstin by trying to talk lower or the fact it sounded like Winstin was actually there but he was just too much of a lazy ass to come to the phone for a second. That's double failure. Usually I only get singular failure. It’s not often that I can score additional failures from other members of the same household in one call. Do you have a slack jawed cousin or something you could have phone back and try to pretend to be Winstin too? I want to go for the hat trick.
Sigh....
Me: "<obviously not a taxi company name in fact its a PIZZA chain's corporate line>"
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "…no"
Yeah, <company> Pizza Taxi…..direct competitor of <company from yesterday's post> Roofing and Drainage Taxi.
SIGH....
Me: "<company> Pizza"
SC: "Can I get a cab at blah blah street"
Me: "This isn't a taxi company."
SC: "Wha? Oh."
You begin to try my patience…...
$*@&$&(
Me: "Good evening, <company> Pizza"
SC: "…uh…..<click>"
COME BACK HERE SO THAT I MAY BRAIN THEE.
867
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "Rammer."
Me: "Rammer? R-a-m-m-e-r?"
SC: "No, R-a-m-u-e-l-s! Rammer!"
Whatever you say, cheese beast. Tragic as it is, its not my fault that years of huffing Koolaid mix has left you unable to form words properly.
( Names changed to protect, well, my job. =p )
Wrong.
( We have a series of clients with similar toll free numbers. They're only one digit off from each other. So the occasional mistake happens.... )
Me: "Good evening, <company name that obviously has nothing to do with binoculars>."
SC: "Did you guys git the binoculars I sent back last week?"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "The binoculars I sent."
Me: "I think you have the wrong number."
SC: "oh…<click>"
It is 4:45am. What the hell are you doing calling anyone let alone me to ask about you're binocular return at this time in the morning? I get the unsettling feeling you were trying for <The 867 Line> too as the number is only one off from <This client's name>. You just *sound* like a <867 client> caller. Your name isn't Winstin is it? Come over here for a sec. I still have one speaker left from yesterday and its lonely. I'm afraid much of my patience has run out though so this speaker is going in the opposite end from its companion. Try to relax and think happy thoughts. Oh, and bite the pillow, its going in dry.
Uninformed
Me: "What system are you using?"
SC: "Oh, they ask me that every time and I never remember…."
Me: "Alright, I'll have to page a hardware tech for you so we can ID your system then. What's your phone number?"
SC: "Oh, what is my phone number…….<to background> hey what's our number here?"
Ok, maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. What DO you know about your place of employment? By some fantastical miracle you seem to have managed to find your way there. You also seem to know the store name and your own name. Either that or you managed to read your own shirt and name tag in the mirror in the bathroom you accidentally stumbled into thinking it was the sales counter. Perhaps you could do us both a favour and scrawl "<System it ended up being>" across your forehead in permanent marker.
Kara's Fuckwits.
Me: "Good morning, <company>"
SC: "Is this the <Kara's company> representative?" ( Oooh, big words )
Me: "No, sorry, this is <company>"
SC: "What's <company>?"
Me: "We handle the bill payment kiosks that you can pay your <Kara's company> bill at. But we're not <Kara's company>."
SC: "Oohh…ok, well what about changing the plans on my phone?"
Me: "…..that too would be <Kara's company>."
Yes, any company at random can help you change your cell plan. Your cell phone options and personal information are global to every company in North America. In fact it’s the first thing we receive the second we land a job. Congratulations! Here's your training manual and a copy of all of Rob's personal info and cell phone plan should he ever call. In fact you don't even have to call me. Just stumble your way down the street and walk into any building that has lights on and an unlocked door. They'll be able to change your cell phone plan for you. In fact if you just sat down in the middle of a crosswalk and *willed* it to happen I'm sure the universe will be listening and make the appropriate arrangements.
Hurk..
Oh God. Does everyone in North Carolina talk like you? Because we only spoke for 2 minutes and I forgot everything I learned in 4th grade.
( With apologies to those of you in NC...but Christ this man was an inbred ditch beast. )
Time...leap?
Me: "Alright, well the office will be open at 7am our time. So in an hour and a half if you’d like to call back."
SC: "Ok, I got 8:24 on the clock here. So call back at 9?"
I must bow down to your superior abilities. I myself can only leap ahead 3 seconds. You however seem to possess either far more formidable skills then I or a far less formidable grasp on math. Either way, bravo.
Grrr...
Me: "Good morning, <company>"
SC: "I'm calling about the job you have in the paper?"
At 4am? Because that’s a fantastic first impression to make on a potential employer: Hello, I have absolutely no grasp of time or manners! Hire meh.
Oh for..
Me: "Good evening, <My company's name.>"
SC: "Yeah, can I get extension xxx"
Me: "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, but I want extension xxx"
What you want is irrelevant and meaningless to me. You may leave now. Swiftly.
GRR
Me: "Good Evening, <company name>"
SC: "Huh? What was this?"
Me: "<company name>" (…..I suddenly have a sense of déjà vu.)
SC: "<company>? What's that?"
It doesn't matter what it is! You're WRONG. Now GO AWAY. Jesus Christ, people! I know I'm not Christian but taking Buddha's name in vain doesn't have the same impact! So Jesus CHRIST, people!
Kara's Fuckwits 2
( This sounded so much like one of Kara's calls that it was eriee. )
SC: "Hi, I lost my phone in my house somewhere. How do I get a new one free? Would there be a fee or anything?"
You lost it. In your own house. Now you want a new one for free? Perfectly reasonable.
Yes I did ask if he tried calling it to find it but apparently he had the foresight to turn it off before he lost it. Bravo, fuckwit. Bravo.
Day Two: Complete. May not survive Day Three.
867
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC""If its in stock…..xxxx-xx"
Me: "Ok, I only have that item in stock in small."
SC: "………."
Me: "…..hello?"
SC: "Yeah?"
Me: "I only have that item in small."
SC: "You won't have any in till 1?"
Me: "….pardon?"
SC: "When will you have more?"
Me: "I'm not sure, unfortunately it-"
SC: "Ok, what about xxxx-xx"
Me: "Ok, I only have that in stock in small and medium."
SC: "You don't have it?"
Me: "I have it, but only in small and medium."
SC: "But the book says extra large."
Me: "Yes, but I only have small and medium in stock."
SC: "Then how come the book says extra large?!"
Me: "I. Only. Have. It. IN STOCK. In. Small. And. Medium. We. Don't. Have. Any. Extra. Large. LEFT."
The book says extra large because the book IS NOT MADE OF MAGIC AND PIXIE DUST. It is not intimately tied to product availability and cannot remotely update itself according to our stock. It is mere paper and cannot possibly perform the miracles you're demanding of it. I am unaware of the name of the fantasy world in which you live but I hope it has the standard requirement of a heartless Ancient Evil™ threatening its very existence. Because if you're the only hope it has I can take solace in the fact you and your entire beer can fort town will fall under the unrelenting dark hordes that even now as we speak surely march towards you.
867
Me: "Ok, and what's your name please?"
SC: "Winstin."
Me: "Winstin?" ( Caller is clearly female..... )
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "ok....and your last name?"
SC: "<fantastically long last name that is pretty much another first and last name onto itself>"
Me: "…ok, are you ordering FOR Winstin?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "May I speak with Winstin, please?" ( I smell….stupid. )
SC: "Huh? Ok…..<muttering ensues in the background.>"
Me: "……….."
SC: "<more muttering> Come talk to him! He wants to ask you somethin'<more arguing>"
Me: "……….."
SC: "<dead silence>"
Me: "………."
SC: "Hello." ( The same woman, but now she's trying to make her voice deeper. )
Me: "Hi….is this Winstin?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "…….and its alright for her to place an order for you?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "……your name is REALLY Winstin?"
SC: "………<click>"
I'm not sure what's more idiotic here: The fact you thought you could pass for Winstin by trying to talk lower or the fact it sounded like Winstin was actually there but he was just too much of a lazy ass to come to the phone for a second. That's double failure. Usually I only get singular failure. It’s not often that I can score additional failures from other members of the same household in one call. Do you have a slack jawed cousin or something you could have phone back and try to pretend to be Winstin too? I want to go for the hat trick.
Sigh....
Me: "<obviously not a taxi company name in fact its a PIZZA chain's corporate line>"
SC: "Is this a taxi?"
Me: "…no"
Yeah, <company> Pizza Taxi…..direct competitor of <company from yesterday's post> Roofing and Drainage Taxi.
SIGH....
Me: "<company> Pizza"
SC: "Can I get a cab at blah blah street"
Me: "This isn't a taxi company."
SC: "Wha? Oh."
You begin to try my patience…...
$*@&$&(
Me: "Good evening, <company> Pizza"
SC: "…uh…..<click>"
COME BACK HERE SO THAT I MAY BRAIN THEE.
867
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "Rammer."
Me: "Rammer? R-a-m-m-e-r?"
SC: "No, R-a-m-u-e-l-s! Rammer!"
Whatever you say, cheese beast. Tragic as it is, its not my fault that years of huffing Koolaid mix has left you unable to form words properly.
( Names changed to protect, well, my job. =p )
Wrong.
( We have a series of clients with similar toll free numbers. They're only one digit off from each other. So the occasional mistake happens.... )
Me: "Good evening, <company name that obviously has nothing to do with binoculars>."
SC: "Did you guys git the binoculars I sent back last week?"
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "The binoculars I sent."
Me: "I think you have the wrong number."
SC: "oh…<click>"
It is 4:45am. What the hell are you doing calling anyone let alone me to ask about you're binocular return at this time in the morning? I get the unsettling feeling you were trying for <The 867 Line> too as the number is only one off from <This client's name>. You just *sound* like a <867 client> caller. Your name isn't Winstin is it? Come over here for a sec. I still have one speaker left from yesterday and its lonely. I'm afraid much of my patience has run out though so this speaker is going in the opposite end from its companion. Try to relax and think happy thoughts. Oh, and bite the pillow, its going in dry.
Uninformed
Me: "What system are you using?"
SC: "Oh, they ask me that every time and I never remember…."
Me: "Alright, I'll have to page a hardware tech for you so we can ID your system then. What's your phone number?"
SC: "Oh, what is my phone number…….<to background> hey what's our number here?"
Ok, maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. What DO you know about your place of employment? By some fantastical miracle you seem to have managed to find your way there. You also seem to know the store name and your own name. Either that or you managed to read your own shirt and name tag in the mirror in the bathroom you accidentally stumbled into thinking it was the sales counter. Perhaps you could do us both a favour and scrawl "<System it ended up being>" across your forehead in permanent marker.
Kara's Fuckwits.
Me: "Good morning, <company>"
SC: "Is this the <Kara's company> representative?" ( Oooh, big words )
Me: "No, sorry, this is <company>"
SC: "What's <company>?"
Me: "We handle the bill payment kiosks that you can pay your <Kara's company> bill at. But we're not <Kara's company>."
SC: "Oohh…ok, well what about changing the plans on my phone?"
Me: "…..that too would be <Kara's company>."
Yes, any company at random can help you change your cell plan. Your cell phone options and personal information are global to every company in North America. In fact it’s the first thing we receive the second we land a job. Congratulations! Here's your training manual and a copy of all of Rob's personal info and cell phone plan should he ever call. In fact you don't even have to call me. Just stumble your way down the street and walk into any building that has lights on and an unlocked door. They'll be able to change your cell phone plan for you. In fact if you just sat down in the middle of a crosswalk and *willed* it to happen I'm sure the universe will be listening and make the appropriate arrangements.
Hurk..
Oh God. Does everyone in North Carolina talk like you? Because we only spoke for 2 minutes and I forgot everything I learned in 4th grade.
( With apologies to those of you in NC...but Christ this man was an inbred ditch beast. )
Time...leap?
Me: "Alright, well the office will be open at 7am our time. So in an hour and a half if you’d like to call back."
SC: "Ok, I got 8:24 on the clock here. So call back at 9?"
I must bow down to your superior abilities. I myself can only leap ahead 3 seconds. You however seem to possess either far more formidable skills then I or a far less formidable grasp on math. Either way, bravo.
Grrr...
Me: "Good morning, <company>"
SC: "I'm calling about the job you have in the paper?"
At 4am? Because that’s a fantastic first impression to make on a potential employer: Hello, I have absolutely no grasp of time or manners! Hire meh.
Oh for..
Me: "Good evening, <My company's name.>"
SC: "Yeah, can I get extension xxx"
Me: "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Oh, but I want extension xxx"
What you want is irrelevant and meaningless to me. You may leave now. Swiftly.
GRR
Me: "Good Evening, <company name>"
SC: "Huh? What was this?"
Me: "<company name>" (…..I suddenly have a sense of déjà vu.)
SC: "<company>? What's that?"
It doesn't matter what it is! You're WRONG. Now GO AWAY. Jesus Christ, people! I know I'm not Christian but taking Buddha's name in vain doesn't have the same impact! So Jesus CHRIST, people!
Kara's Fuckwits 2
( This sounded so much like one of Kara's calls that it was eriee. )
SC: "Hi, I lost my phone in my house somewhere. How do I get a new one free? Would there be a fee or anything?"
You lost it. In your own house. Now you want a new one for free? Perfectly reasonable.
Yes I did ask if he tried calling it to find it but apparently he had the foresight to turn it off before he lost it. Bravo, fuckwit. Bravo.
Day Two: Complete. May not survive Day Three.
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