Is it ever OK...

[PizzaDrone]

to ask someone out or for their number while they are working? I only ask this because recently in my new job a guy decided to do just that. I've never dealt with it before in work so was taken aback, particularly as we'd only spoken once before this and only within the confines of my job description. I was also carrying some heavy stuff at the time and I'm pretty sure that in my new job there would be strict rules about staff/customer dating. I told him politely, 'no, sorry, I don't give out my number', being careful not to say something like 'oh no, I have a boyfriend' or anything that might make him want to try again. Ever since he's taken a bit of an attitude with me so I'm hoping that changes soon.

So, what do you guys say? Any similar stories or have you ever been the one to ask someone out while they're working? I'm sure there are instances where it is acceptable, but haven't yet thought of one.

[EricKei]

It can be kinda pushy to ask in the first place -- tho, if you are CW's, it is NEVER appropriate for a superior to ask for a supervised employee's digits (still kinda weird going the other way, as such relationships are generally frowned upon for obvious reasons). As for other situations -- I really only know for sure that, if someone does ask and is told no, they should stop asking, period.

For your particular case -- Up to you how you wanna handle it (maybe ignore, maybe take the other person aside and explain that you're not looking to date anyone at the moment, and that it was nothing personal, etc).

[PizzaDrone]

Yeah, totally agree that wherever there is a difference in power it is a big no-no. As for my case he did not take it well and even was waiting where I'd go when finishing (somewhat naively told a group what time I finished so they knew on that night for how long they could get help from me) work. I spoke to my parents, boyfriend and a few friends about it and they all agreed it was intimidating. Again I can't really give full details which is annoying I know and difficult to get an idea of if it was inappropriate or not. I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt once but if it happens again I'm reporting so not worried thankfully.

I guess its kind of a little weird in any work/customer situation as there is the likelihood you'll see each other a lot and the person working there is sort of trapped because they can't easily walk away from the situation. I guess that's why I'd imagine lots of people would be put off by someone asking them out in work because that person has to know they are putting that person in a difficult position.

[Seshat]

Hm. I'd suggest taking him just aside - NOT out of sight of others, but just far enough away that it's obviously a private conversation.

Give him an opportunity to explain his behaviour - tell him you've noticed him behaving differently around you, or something.

If he's like I think he is, he'll probably hit on you again. In which case you tell him that you are not interested, and you wish to have only a staff/customer (or whatever) interaction with him. You would prefer it to be a pleasant one.

NOTE NOTE NOTE: if he gets nasty or pushy; this is why you stayed in sight and shouting range of other people. DO make a scene if he starts anything. And make sure the scene is clearly one of him pushing onto you: lift your hands defensively and shout 'I said no!' or some such.
Plan what you will do if he gets nasty or dangerous, ahead of time.

Immediately you are done with this conversation, document it. Document any other instances of unacceptable behaviour from him.

If he makes you uncomfortable but not in any way in which you can quite put your finger on, organise to have any dealings with him in sight/shouting range of other staff: perhaps say 'certainly, sir. We'll handle this at the customer service desk', and start walking.

I wrote a piece on harassment and handling it, in one of our advice sections: I think it's in the subforum under General Work Chat. I modified it with input from several of our members, including one who was a policeman at the time.
If he continues beyond this point, follow that advice.

[PizzaDrone]

Thank you for the advice and that thread is an excellent idea. I work nights so am the only member of staff apart from a security guard. I don't really want to engage him any further but have made a note of it so that if something happens again I have something to take to my manager, who thankfully takes things like this very seriously. Was careful not to show I was intimidated and just stayed on for 10 minutes so I think he thinks he got my finishing time wrong. I'm thinking that because of this he likely won't try anything again but if he does I've read up on the workplace protocol for such things. Thank you so much for the advice though.

[MoonCat]

I usually agree completely with Seshat, she's a very wise lady. But to be totally frank, in this case I don't think taking him aside to talk to him is a good idea. If he's the type that finds it hard to take NO for an answer (and it sounds like he is), then he's probably the type to take that conversation as a kind of encouragement to keep trying. Instead I would speak to him only as necessary for the job, in a polite, business-like way, and not engage him in any personal conversation. When and if he tries to approach you again, you repeat that you are not interested, and walk away. If he does anything that could be taken as aggressive, that's the time to approach HR and explain the (documented) situation.

Again, just my opinion. Good luck on however you choose to handle it.

[Seshat]

I can be wrong!

[icmedia]

I know this is playing Devil's advocate but, with the vague manner in which OP describes the scenario, I'm imagining some poor guy at PizzaDrone's workplace thinking, "I only wanted to be able to trade shifts...why was she so mean about it?"

Or, conversely, some poor soul FINALLY built up the courage to ask an attractive girl out, and was shot down immediately...

LOL, I know those are the opposite of what you are all thinking, but I have worked in plenty of places where dating within the ranks was perfectly normal, and I would never jump right to the conclusion, "OMGwhatacreepgetaway!" like some of you seem to be doing...just saying.

[wagegoth]

It sounds like it was a customer asking her out, which can get ugly. It's much harder for management to deal with that situation.

From my experience, including working by myself at night in a convenience store, do not give him the benefit of the doubt. If he's a regular customer it gets harder.

You should report this immediately to your manager as a heads up. If there are video cameras, make sure they are working and recording.

If the customer purchases from you as a representative of his company, then other issues may arise, but it may be easier to resolve.

However, it happened, it was completely inappropriate for him to do this at your job. The fact that he later showed up, basically stalking you, is a HUGE RED FLAG. Do not ignore this.

[PizzaDrone]

Sorry I should clarify further as I understand it is so difficult to see the full situation especially as I've had to be stingy on the details. The guy in question is a customer and not a coworker. I had met him once previously and have not worked there long so it isn't a long drawn out thing of us getting to know each other. I don't even know his name!

I spoke to a coworker about it and was told that if anything further happens to go to security. I've also not seen him since so am fairly confident now that the situation won't escalate and I can continue to treat him as a regular customer. I've also been told that if it happens again and I want to avoid potential unpleasantness I can just say I'm not allowed to date customers so can't be blamed haha.

Thanks so much again for everyone who has given advice. It has really helped and even if I don't need to use it this time it may well come in handy again or even for someone else.

[MoonCat]

It's certainly possible that he is harmless. It's just that I tend to go with my gut feelings on this, and if I'd been in your place, that would have made me very uncomfortable.

Confession: I may be a little paranoid here. When I was 16 I met a kid about my age on what could be considered my first job - one of those horrible door-to-door magazine selling gigs. I only lasted two days & never got paid. Ugh. Anyway, the first day I worked with this kid, he asked if I might go out sometime. I said maybe (I was very, very shy then & didn't know what to do). He gave me his number with "call me" written next to it. I was too shy to call him, and then I never went back because the work sucked & I was bad at it, so I never saw him again.

A few years later he was in the paper for raping and killing his girlfriend.

So I tend to look with suspicion on guys asking for dates and/or a girl's number that quickly.

[Seshat]

LOL, I know those are the opposite of what you are all thinking, but I have worked in plenty of places where dating within the ranks was perfectly normal, and I would never jump right to the conclusion, "OMGwhatacreepgetaway!" like some of you seem to be doing...just saying.

The reason I'm tagging him as creep:

and even was waiting where I'd go when finishing

It's possible that it's just someone socially awkward who doesn't understand how that can freak someone out. But it's more likely to be a creep; given this particular bit of info.

[sms001]

A quick aside from the main issue here, PD. Keep thinking and let me know if you come up with one, but I absolutely can not think of any time it's ok to ask someone out at their place of work when you're a customer. It's too fish-in-a-barrel, really, and anyone who doesn't see that is gonna be inappropriate in other ways as well. Anyone who does see that and proceeds anyway is an ass.

[PizzaDrone]

That's a terrible story MoonCat. Can totally understand why you might be more concerned than most having had that experience.

sms001 - yeah I've yet to come up with anything either. Even with the best intentions its unlikely that people would have spent enough time together to know even the slightest amount about that person. I guess people might ask someone out in order to get to know them better. Yeah, I think I consider it inappropriate because if you ask someone out during their leisure time, they say no and they react badly, they are able to move away from you, whereas in a work situation it is bound to be awkward as they still have to serve you and you still have to go there.

However, I'm sure there must be people who have met in that sort of situation and it has worked out for them, otherwise I'd imagine no one would try.

[Kheldarson]

I can think of one time a customer might ask for a personal number and get it. All I can think is in your small game store where the owner can spend his time playing and is going to be running games on his day off that you're invited to join. That would be the only time it might be appropriate.