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  • The Golden Screw

    So one day, a young boy named William (though he preferred to be called Billy) was taking his first Big Boy bath, one with no parents and all, and as he was cleaning he decided to check out the old navel. So there he was, testing how much water fit in his navel, and finding out which toys would hang from his belly if he stuck the pointy end into his navel, and seeing how much washcloth he could push into his navel when he caught a glint from it as he rolled over and it caught a bit of light. This got his attention, so he started poking into his navel and feeling around a bit, but it felt like it always had so this did not do him much good. As the water was getting cold, and mom was hurrying him, he decided to wrap up this bit of exploration and promptly forgot all about it.

    A few years passed, and he was getting up in years as it were, finally hitting that big growth spurt we always hope for around 12 or so. On this fine day, as he was checking very closely for any signs of hair that might indicate manhood, as well as checking his manhood for any signs of hair, and flexing at himself to determine if that arm muscle had grown any since he was doing pull-ups in P.E. all the time, he again caught a glint from his navel. In a rush, his memories came back to that day in the tub, and rather than jamming objects in his navel, this time he chose to use his newfound height to see what might be going on in the mirror. He strained and bent and leaned to try and get a position where he could get light into his navel, open his navelular opening, and still be able to see in the mirror. Eventually, after many tries and the loss of a particularly rancid smelling aftershave (unbeknownst to him, that after shave had cost him two dates already, and its loss was only mourned by the goat the neighbor two doors down had penned up to keep the lawn trimmed) he finally was able to see that at the bottom of his bellybutton, centered perfectly and glinting shinily, was what looked like the head of a tiny golden screw! He proceeded to try and dislodge it, or pick it out, but it was flush to the skin and seemed to be set. By this point, all thought of manliness or musculature are gone, and in a panic he rushed out to exclaim to his parents that something is terribly wrong! After calming his hysterics, and getting the story out of him, his parents share a grim look with each other and then turn to him and explain what they can.

    His father spoke, "Son, before you were born we had an ultrasound done to determine if you were a boy or a girl and to see if you were healthy. On that ultrasound image, the doctor pointed out the screw you have found. He said that it was no cause for alarm and that it was probably just a ghost image, but that otherwise you were a healthy baby boy."

    Then his mother said, "After you were born, we waited until the cord bit had fallen off and then one night while bathing you we checked and found the screw just as you see it now. We called the doctor and asked him what we should do, and he said that unless something serious occurred to just ignore it, as he had checked and found it to be rare but harmless. We have, and until this day we had forgotten all about it."

    As they finished, the young man realized that they knew nothing about the screw, but that maybe the doctor did. He decided to look up the doctor first thing in the morning and ask him about this screw. The next morning he awoke as most teen males do, groggily and head still filled with images of the cheerleader professing some sort of vaguely promising emotion to him while breathing deeply in a tight low cut sweater, and completely forgot to call anyone. He then proceeded to completely forget for quite a while after as well.

    Eventually it came that he turned 18 and was ready to go into the world. He had done well as a student, and had earned a scholarship to the local college, as well as having met a young lady (library aide, not cheerleader, but still capable of filing a sweater nicely and causing images) with whom he had become smitten. As she had been accepted at a rather far off college herself, they chose to spend one last night together and perhaps work out what the dream images had been trying to say and do for the last few odd years. They found the nice out of the way place that only a few dozen generations before had found, and after congratulating themselves for finding began in earnest to discover if biology class had been right. They started with the usual finding of hidden weapons and then as they noticed it was unseasonably warm of a sudden, they began to remove clothing to help cool off. This did not seem to work, so they kept trying, occasionally verifying the other was still there and stable through use of touch and various holds. Eventually the librarian seemed to have lost a contact in the young mans lap, and started to bend down to retrieve it, and as she passed his stomach, she happened to glance at his belly button and saw a golden glint. (Pretty good for one contact!) She immediately decided that this was more important than her vision, and sat up to discuss it at great length with the young man (who by now had decided William was more mature sounding, which is probably why everyone still called him Billy). In the end, neither ever found out what dreams may do, and William had determined that finding out about the screw was pretty darned important, at least as long as he dated girls with contacts.

    The next day he looked up the number to the doctor that had delivered him, and found he had since retired. He left a message, and a week later they called and gave him the gentleman's address and told him he was looking forward to meeting Billy, and that he remembered his birth well. He went round to the place the following weekend (as he had a job at the local grocers, trying in any way to find the extra cash to follow the librarian to her college of choice, even though of late she had been rather distant) and after the usually pleasantries (shant bore you with the tedious bits) proceeded to grill the old man about golden screws. The doctor explained that he had done some research at the time, and had not found any cases involving screws in navels. He had found a few rare cases involving either objects that had been present in the womb or growths, and all those cases had been benign and ended in happy lives for the individuals or near instantaneous death within hours, thus his answer to his parents at the time. He had not thought about it much after, though he did occasionally bring it up at various doctoring get-togethers, usually after a few drinks, and had not heard of another case.

    William thanked the man (Doctor Peabody, by the way. Odd name, but his nonetheless) and went home to ponder. At certain times in life, we are given choices that can alter the course of our destiny. Often, these choices seem trivial at the time, and only after our lives are over is it possible to see the immense importance of the choice we make. This was his choice, and unbeknownst to him it would alter his existence on our planet forever. The choice, quite simply, was to let it go or find out about the screw. Well, he went to bed pondering. He woke up and was still thinking about it. For the next week, he was distracted, browsing the web at night for information and checking out medical books from the library. No luck.

    Eventually, the day came to decide on his major in college. He had studied his way through the literal arts, mostly to get the AA, and he decided to go into medicine and become a doctor. He stated his choice as a desire to help people, to earn riches, and al the things parents and others want to hear, but as we know his real motivation was a small golden screw in his navel. He sent years studying, specialized in gastric medicine, and became well known as the go-to physician for odd gastric issues. He researched every odd case he could find, spoke to al the greatest doctors of his day, and studied the notes of those who had passed. After ten years of working and studying, he was no closer to an answer. In an epiphany, he realized that medicine did not hold the secret for him. He gradually lost interest in his career, and carefully set about retiring from it. While doing this, he still went to school as he had become a fervent believer in the search for answers. While there he happened to hear a lecturer on religion and philosophy mention the 'eternal quest' that we were all on.

    The lecture struck a familiar chord, and he thought that perhaps where medicine had failed philosophy might hold the key, so he enrolled in a course of study that would take him too many new and exciting places. He started by studying all he could at school, gaining a degree in theology, and started once again to be known in his chosen profession. His scholarly ways helped him to read and retain dozens of religious works and very often he would be asked to comment on various esoterica in this work or that. He began to work out common threads and themes, trying to unify the writings of dozens of faiths to find common ground, and his work was referenced by many to try and solve disputes and foster peace and understanding. He eventually started travelling, going to far of places ostensibly to research the material at its origin, but invariably he would seek out the wisest and most learned men and ask them about the screw. None had an answer for him, and eventually this too left him disheartened and disillusioned. He came home, and sequestered himself, withdrawing from the community and once again started to study on other topics to relieve his melancholy.

    As fate would have it, he stumbled upon a paper written by a discredited scientist that mentioned the theory of inherited memory. As he read, he started thinking about how, if memory could be assed on in genes, then somewhere there might be a person with wisdom that transcended the ages and had the intelligence to parse that information into great ideas and, more importantly, answers to formerly unsolvable problems! Here was a quest hat might be fruitless, but if he succeeded he would find the answer he had long sought!

    He started by referencing all the great inventions of his time, as well as previous times, and searched with an eye towards a possible 'secret benefactor'. He knew that if this person existed, they would be almost impossible to find as they would have the wisdom to know what their existence could do to the world, and the intelligence to avoid being found. He started clandestinely sending obscure references in dozens of papers, as well as encoding his question in his routine correspondences, taking out ads that could be decoded in the newspaper, all with the same question 'What is the golden screw?'. He reasoned that no matter how hard he looked; the only way to find this person would be if they wanted to be found as well, and that they would be one of the only people other than the sender to be able to find the reverberating question he had created. For the next 12 years he created his strange missives, he earned a degree in computer science and took up programming just to create the programs he needed to sift and search for any hint of the existence of this person. Over the course of this research he created dozens of powerful searching algorithms, which he then sold off via third person to various worthy individuals. Thus were Yahoo, Google, and Ask Jeeves formed among others, and still he searched.

    On his 75th birthday, and about the time he was thinking of taking his own life for his failure, he finally found the bit he was looking for. In the last cross reference of inventions, when parsed through his own algorithm for creating his messages, instead of gibberish it said 'I have the answer'. He was ecstatic! He checked and re-checked and it came up the same every time! He immediately started going through the day’s information, and found many more messages! 'Happy birthday', 'Golden screw solution is here', and last 'Peru, two days'.

    He booked a flight, and flew to Peru, two days later he went through the day’s data again. 'Huascaran' was all he found. A simple Google search showed it to be a mountain right there in Peru! He immediately set out for the mountain, travelling across Peru and asking locals what they knew. As he got closer to the mountain, the tales grew darker about the mountain. Many started shunning him for even mentioning it, and there seemed to be a feeling that it was almost cursed. Eventually the guides he had hired left him as well, calling him loco for wanting to scale the mountain. He continued on, alone, trekking up the side of the mountain for days. IT grew cold and cloudy, the sun seemed to have vanished leaving him in and eerie endless twilight as he climbed. He ran out of food, and fresh water, and only the sparse pockets of unmelted snow kept him alive. Eventually, he collapsed and closed his eyes, near the top and yet still alone and unanswered.

    When he awoke, he was in a cave by a fire. There was a fresh animal on a spit roasting, and a bowl of clear cool water next to him. As he looked around, he saw that the cave was lavishly decorated; with images he recognized from al his professions. Drawings depicted some of the worlds most argued philosophical debates, others showed medical procedures that were thought to be impossible, and yet others had algorithms and proofs that would make his searches look like random grabs. Still more objects came to him, books, scrolls, the amount of knowledge here was immense! Eventually his eyes settled on a little old man at the other end of the cave, busily ticking away on a laptop. As he approached, the old man looked up and smiled at him, then went back to his typing. William waited patiently as the old man finished up.

    'Sorry, the ideas seem to come exponentially faster with time. I fear we may need some of the newer technologies I've thought of just to keep up with my storage needs!’ the old man said with a chuckle. 'But, you've come to find me, William, for an answer. One that has eluded you through all the knowledge that man possesses. Truly, as you have found, no one knows the answer to the golden screw that is in your belly button. Even I, sadly, do not have that answer.'

    William was devastated! 'But your messages said you had the answer! You are the only one left, if not you then my life's work is truly meaningless!', and with that William began to sob.

    'I do not know why the screw exists, or what its purpose is.', continued the old man, 'When I first saw your question I tried for many weeks to find an answer, I must have done research that has been untried since the dawn of man and there was no answer.' 'But!’ he exclaimed, 'I did find something that will help you find the answer, from the only source you have not tried, yourself!'

    And with that, the old man reached into his satchel and pulled forth a small, elegant, golden screwdriver. 'I have found this, lost through the ages and pondered by greatness as to its purpose, and now at last it has been united with its destiny!'

    William gazed upon the screwdriver, a blank look of shock in his eyes. This was it; the moment he had waited for his whole life. He had but to take the screwdriver and use it and the answer would be his.

    Gently he took the screwdriver. Carefully he settled it into his navel, twisting it slightly until it mated with the screw. It was a perfect fit, he felt a rush of adrenaline, and as he had wanted to do for ages he gently turned the screw.....

















































    And his butt fell off.

  • #2
    "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

    Comment


    • #3
      GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAN

      Okay, I chuckled.

      Comment


      • #4
        I laughed so hard I cried.

        I also spit rootbeer onto my screen.

        *Cleans monitor*
        Now a member of that alien race called Management.

        Yeah, you see that right. Pink. Harness.

        Comment


        • #5
          Laaaaameeee!
          Ridiculous 2009 Predictions: Evil Queen will beat Martha Stewart to death with a muffin pan. All hail Evil Queen! (Some things don't need elaboration.....) -- Jester

          Ridiculous 2010 Predictions: Evil Queen, after escaping prison for last years prediction, goes out and waffle irons Rachel Ray to death. -- SG15Z

          Ridiculous 2011 Prediction: Evil Queen will beat Gordon Ramsay over the head with a cast-iron skillet. -- FireHeart

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          • #6
            5 minutes of my life I'll never get back.


            *but bonus points for being the looooongest joke ever!!!!*

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            • #7
              Disappointing.... it did however, elicit a groan.

              Comment


              • #8
                Boooooo! *throws a tribble or ten*

                Mind if I repost this on a NG that is known for long (and bad) jokes?
                "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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                • #9
                  And then he took his butt back to the store and returned it on the grounds that it had a crack in it.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I cheated.....

                    hey it saved me wasting 5 minutes of my life!
                    I wasnt put on this earth to make you feel like a man ~ Mary Bertone

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                    • #11
                      I just rememebered, my dad has a small statue of a guy holding his butt in place with a screw sticking out of his navel. I only see it when Dad changes workplaces and cleans out his office.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Dreamstalker View Post
                        Boooooo! *throws a tribble or ten*

                        Mind if I repost this on a NG that is known for long (and bad) jokes?
                        Feel free. I warn you , this one tends to get longer every re-telling though.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          There's nothing quite like a well told (or written) "shaggy dog" story.

                          Bravo!!

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