Fantasy closing announcements *one swear!*

[Ocelot Girl]

Actually, 'buggery' is a vulgar term for sodomy.

[Broomjockey]

Bugger is I think a form of verb used to describe ... ahh.. how do I put this the right way an... action between man and animal.

My Grandad just about drove into a powerpole when I said it once as a child.

correct me if im wrong?

Actually, I'm fairly certain that bugger is the forcible violation of a man's bottom.

Anyway, my fantasy closing announcement would be fairly simple:
"Everyone go home to the people who love you, 'cause we sure don't. All registers are closed, so put your stuff away. We've got cameras and can tell if you don't. Those who don't will be charged a $20 restocking fee."

[Worker-Intellectual]

"Attention customers, the time is now 8:50, and all of our employees are armed. Hunting season starts at 9:01. Thank you for shopping at crappy tire and have a nice night. But make sure you are having a nice night somewhere else. I have to go to the beer vendor and don't want to have to throw your bodies in the cardboard baler. So hurry the hell up."

[Rubystars]

.

I'm going to go up to each and every one of the customers that are still hanging around in Famous Footwear at closing and tell them "The stores closed, you need to leave now so we can finish cleaning up and go home ourselves." I have more freedom in what I can do there now since I'm close to quitting anyway. If they get an attitude, I'll just tell them "You're not any more important than anyone else, you don't get to shop after hours when we're not letting anyone else into the store."

[Lace Neil Singer]

"Bugger" is a swear for Brits; not for Americans tho. Same goes for "bloody" and "bollocks".

That's enough for the swear lesson, and hopefully the mods won't edit my post.

[Tito]

"We're closing. You have 5 minutes to finish your shopping & get the f' out of here, or else you'll be locked in for the night. Just because you have no lives does not mean that we don't!'

[XCashier]

I always wanted to play that song "closing time"

Yeah, I did alternate lyrics on the last board incarnation. Wonder if I can remember them...

"Closing time, time for you to go back to the houses that you came from.
Closing time, this store will be open with the rising of the morning sun.
Closing time, one last call for shopping now, so pick out your last bits of gear.
Closing time, we'd all like to go home, so you can't stay here.

I know that we all want to go home,
I know that we all want to go home,
I know that we all want to go home,
Please go home!"

Of course, you can always go on the PA and announce, "Attention, customers. The store is now closed.
[switch to Exorcist-style demon voice]GET OUT!!! "

[KayEm]

"It is 10:45 and Fred Meyer will be closing in 15 minutes, please do not delay in bringing your purchases to the front of the store as the woodchipper is, as we speak, cycling up. Stray customers found on the floor at closing time will be summarily tossed into the woodchipper. Why do you think our ground "beef" is so cheap ? Have a nice day and come back soon"

[ShockQueen]

Not so much a fantasy closing, but always thought it hilarious when our Hasting's store would start playing "Happy Trails" starting at about 10 minutes to closing and it just-kept-playing with pre-recorded announcements interspersed. I knew the manager was way cool, so it was always funny to hear it.

Although.......I'm glad I didn't work there. Hearing that night after night would have me about ready to commit hari-kari.

[Rapscallion]

A place my brother used to frequent played 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' as a 'get out' song. Now, if they'd played the spoof version (The Devil went down to Jamaica), they'd have a time clearing the place.

Rapscallion

[lordlundar]

"Attention customers, the store is now closed and snipers are taking their positions. Anyone here in 5 mins will be summarily shot and the body disposed of."

[AmericanZero8503]

This guy we work with has a deep voice, and when he makes announcements it sounds like god is talking. So if he were speaking...


"This is God...you don't want groceries...you want to persue your life dream of being Rock star. Go and live your dreams"

It could work...it might even make me leave the store...lol.

[Tria]

Stand at the entrance in grey robes and a fake beard shouting, "You shall not pass!"

[moekosowl]

Stand at the entrance in grey robes and a fake beard shouting, "You shall not pass!"

Drat it, Tria, that almost cost me a keyboard! Good one!

[Imogene]

A place my brother used to frequent played 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' as a 'get out' song. Now, if they'd played the spoof version (The Devil went down to Jamaica), they'd have a time clearing the place.

Rapscallion

"Devil went down to Georgia,
Lookin for a soul to steal.
He was in a bind, he was way behind,
He was willin to make a deal."

Bring me into the store, I'll sing along with it, at least to about halfway through.

A line given by Walter the Vietnam Vet in Jeff Dunham's stand up "Talking to Myself": "*clears throat* Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your sh*t and get out."